[019], aera and her love for jake

AERA lay on the floor of Sunoo's dorm. She watches the boy scribble on a new motivational quote on the whiteboard he hung up on the back of their door. Aera was moping in her grief as she tries to think of anything other than Jake's stupidly beautiful smile. Her hands tighten around her emotional support energy drink once again and shoves his smile out of her mind. 

        "Does anyone even read those quotes?" Aera asks Sunoo. 

       Sunoo shrugs, "I do. Jungwonie does sometimes and I'm pretty sure Riki can't read." 

        "I only read at them to laugh and send a photo to our group chat, Sunoo," Jungwon pipes up from where he sat at his desk, his knees drawn up to his chest as he watches Aladdin. "There have been some good ones, but most of the time, I think of a white mom writing those words on a note she puts in her daughter's lunchbox." 

        Sunoo scowls and steps back to admire his neat handwriting. "Does that look presentable?" 

       "Yes," Jungwon says without looking. 

        Aera shrugs, "it looks fine to me." 

       "I don't even know why I asked," Sunoo scoffs, "one insults me for fun and the other is moping in the consequences of her stupidity." 

        "Sunoo! I am not stupid." 

        "Mmm, and everyone thinks I'm straight." 

        "Aren't you?" Aera mumbles, sighing when she sees how little of her drink is left. So much for emotional support. 

        "That's for me to know." 

         The door to the dorm flies open and Riki stumbles in, Yena right after. The younger flings his bag across the room and collapses on top of Aera who groans loudly. Yena slams the door shut and sinks to the floor, her back against the door. 

        The whiteboard falls on top of Yena who yelps and then rubs the top of her head. Sunoo growls and approaches Yena, tugging at his hair. "I just wrote a new quote." 

        "Uh. . Sorry?" 

        Sunoo snatches the whiteboard off the ground, glares at Yena, and stalks over to the couch to rewrite the quote since it smudged a bit after falling off the door, hitting Yena, and then landing on the floor. 

         "What was that all about?" Aera says, attempting to shove Riki off her. It wasn't working because he was clinging on tightly. 

         "We raced each other. One took the elevator, the other took the stairs," Yena explains. "I took the elevator but Riki won. I think he cheated because who the hell runs up three flights of stairs in like two seconds?" 

          "Why do you even ask?" Jungwon asks, pausing Aladdin after deciding his friends were more interesting, "it's Riki. He's otherworldly." 

          Riki finally rolls off Aera but remains as close to her as possible. An arm around her waist, and his leg wrapped around her own. He nuzzles his face into the crook of her neck and groans, "I'm so exhausted. I'm never doing that again." 

          "You learn everything the hard way, Riki," Aera says rolling her eyes, but her hand carding through his hair fondly says the opposite. 

         "I can't believe you managed to fit a mini fridge into your dorm," Yena gushes, crawling over to where the mini-fridge sat and she opens it. "Woah, that's a lot of energy and fizzy drinks." 

        "Can me, Yena," Riki says, thrusting his hand out. 

        "What drink to you want?" 

        "Any, I don't mind." 

       Yena hands Riki a Pepsi who takes one look at it and retches. "Anything but Pepsi. Only losers drink Pepsi." 

        "I drink Pepsi," Sunoo hisses. 

        "Exactly. I'd like a Mountain Dew please." 

        This time, it's Yena who retches, "Mountain Dew? Really?" 

        "Yes. It's much better than Pepsi," Riki defends, pulling away Aera and sitting up, his hands crossing over his chest. 

         "I don't think so," Yena says, still disgusted as she hands the drink over to Riki, "I'd take Pepsi over Mountain Dew any day." 

          "I'm surrounded by freaks," Riki mutters. He holds the can out to Aera and waits with an expectant look. 

          "You want me to open it for you?" Aera asks. 

         "Yes, please! I exhausted myself running here so the least you could do for your favorite person in the entire world is open their drink for them!" 

          Aera sighs and takes the can from Riki, cracking it open. Yena pulls out a can of Diet Coke and cracks it open herself, greedily taking sips and sighing loudly after. "That tastes good. Jungwonie? You want anything, Sunoo?" 

          "I'll have Pepsi," Sunoo says, pushing himself off the couch and scooting his way over to where his three friends sat on the ground, the motivational quote on his whiteboard long forgotten. 

          "Fanta me, Yena!" Jungwon exclaims, also sliding off his desk chair to situate himself on the ground next to Sunoo. 

       "So," Riki starts up, "are you ever going to stop avoiding Jake, Aera?"

         Aera tenses at the question. 

      "Riki," Sunoo hisses, "you can't just ask that question!" 

       "I think it's a completely valid question," Yena says, ever the supporter of Aera getting over her mental block and finally realizing that running away only leads to more problems instead of solving them all, contrary to what Aera thought would happen if she just left Jake alone. "When are you going to realize running away wasn't the right choice to make? Don't you think Jake deserves to be heard out instead of ignored?" 

          "I'm not doing this right now," Aera groans, rubbing a hand over her face. 

         "When will you?" Yena retorts back, "just talk to Jake. He's told everyone but you the reason why Nicole was over at the apartment." 

        "Yeah," Jungwon says, "it's because —" 

       "Don't," Yena hisses, "she can find out for herself." 

        "I'm just scared," Aera says, finally pulling herself into a sitting position, her knees pulled to her chest, "what if I fall out of love with him a week after we start dating?" 

        "You won't," Yena simply says.

        "But —" 

      "Aera," Yena says sharply, "admit it. Running away was stupid and fucked up. You're blaming Jake because it's easier to blame someone else for all your problems. Don't act like I don't know you." 

        The silence is loud and Aera refuses to make eye contact with Yena. She hates feeling small and in the wrong, but since it's coming from Yena, it hurts a little less. "I know it must feel weird realizing your idea of love was toxic, I know it must've felt difficult realizing that lustful love and true love were two different things, but come on Aera, when will you stop letting ridiculous bumps in the road hinder you from getting what you truly want?" 

        Aera's eyes burn and her heart races pathetically in her chest. 

       "Jake loves you just as much as you love him, Aera, and I can't believe you can't see it," Yena sighs, "you've always chased love so why is this any different? Why are you making it difficult?" 

        Aera doesn't have the answer to that question. She was given so much love growing up, she was given everything she wanted growing up — so why was loving Jake any different? Was it the fear of the unknown? Not truly knowing where her relationship with Jake would lead? Aera had an idea where all her past relationships would lead, they would lead to bitter endings and shattered hearts. But with Jake? Aera only has the promise of forever. Aera has too much love and sometimes she wonders if it's too much. (But then — is having too much love a problem? Isn't it better to have too much than not enough?)

         What if Jake doesn't love Aera enough? Though, if Aera truly thinks about it, this is Jake Sim we're talking about. Golden boy Jake Sim. His love is something akin to puppy love. Aera knows he'll devote his everything to Aera, he's not like her summer fling who thought Aera's love was the funniest thing in the world. He's not like her past relationships that would burn out within a couple of weeks because they grew bored of each other. Maybe Aera was feeling afraid because in her past relationships she felt safe and secure, she felt comfortable in knowing how things would end, but with Jake, it's wild, unpredictable, and sure they may promise the future, but it's never certain. 

         Being with Jake means being uncertain, but doesn't that make it all the more enticing? Being able to put your everything into one person without the looming deadline of your relationship written on your forehead in permanent marker? 

         "I don't know," Aera whispers into her knees, her voice fragile. 

         Yena sighs, "I hope you figure everything out soon. From what I've learned is that you can't expect someone to wait forever for you. It doesn't work like that." 

◾◾◾◾

Aera sat with Sunghoon in MOA cafe during one of their two-hour breaks in between lectures. It was busy in MOA cafe, but that was expected since it was lunchtime. Aera happily sips her White chocolate frappe with extra whipped cream, which took a lot of convincing from Aera for Yeonjun to add. 

      "Are you coming to the soccer game tonight, Aera?" Sunghoon speaks up, looking up from his phone. 

      "No," Aera hums, doing her usual online shopping routine — add a bunch of cute clothes to her cart and never end up buying them. 

      "I think you should come," Sunghoon says, "it's the semi-finals and I'm sure Riki and Jay would appreciate you being there." Aera can also sense another person who would love to have her there. It would be better if Sunghoon just said his name instead of letting it settle in the air between them. 

      "Maybe." 

      "Yes or no. You know how sad Riki will be if you don't show up. You've been to all of his games this season, you know he loves your support." 

      "Sunghoon —" 

      "He always looks for you after he scores a goal and he likes seeing the cool signs you make for him, and you know he always looks forward to listening to your stupid little rambles about the game after even though you know nothing about soccer." 

      "Stop guilt-tripping me, Sunghoon," Aera scowls, adding a cute top to her cart. "And my rambles are not stupid." 

      "Come to the game or Riki will ignore you the same way you're ignoring Jake." 

      "Fuck you, Sunghoon." 

      "Yes or no?" 

      "I'll come," Aera groans, "but don't expect me to talk to Jake." 

      Sunghoon rolls his eyes. "Yena was right. You are stupid and pathetic." 

      "I hope you die a long and painful death." 

      "Your threats don't scare me, Aera," Sunghoon responds, going back to his phone. "You don't scare me at all." 

      "That's what they all say," Aera scoffs, ignoring Sunghoon's judging stare. 

      "You're so. . Weird. And annoying. And insufferable." 

      "We're not talking about you, Hoonie." 

      Sunghoon raises a fist and shakes it in the air as Aera watches on in amusement. "One day karma will beat your ass, Aera. One day." 

      "No," Aera says simply. 

      "What do you mean, 'no'?" Sunghoon asks incredulously. 

      "Karma can't hit me without my consent." 

      There's a long pause as Sunghoon stares at Aera. Then he groans and shakes his head. "She thinks she's so funny." 

      "What do you mean 'think'? I know I'm funny!" Aera scowls, batting Sunghoon's forearm playfully. 

      "Whatever. Let's go to Heeseung's apartment, we're eating there before going to the game," Sunghoon glances at Aera carefully, "and if you wish, I could bring you home once the game ends. You don't have to stick around and wait for us to finish kissing the ground Riki, Jay, and Jake walk on." 

      "You're so nice to me, Sunghoon," Aera coos, reaching out and pinching his cheeks. 

      Sunghoon scowls and slaps Aera's hand away. "Come on, let's go to Heeseung's place. Hopefully, he and Yena are cleaned up by the time we get there." 

      Aera shudders at Sunghoon's words, but trails after him as they leave MOA cafe. The drive to Heeseung's apartment passes by quickly, amidst all the bickering over who should play their music before eventually deciding to just listen to the radio. By the time they reach Heeseung's apartment, it's raining heavily. 

      Beomgyu and Heeseung offer some warm clothes and umbrellas to those who were severely underprepared for the rainy weather, and then the large group all set off to the soccer fields in order to support their friends. 

      Aera's stomach churns with anticipation (of what? She didn't know) and nervousness. Nothing could keep the girl still, eventually as she realizes this game will be the first time she's properly looked at Jake since that afternoon outside the apartment. 

      The field is full of people all wearing their respective school colors and excitement is added to the mixture boiling in Aera's stomach. She grips Yena's hand tightly as they walk up the stairs of the bleachers to find spare seats that could fit them all. 

      Once more, Aera finds herself stuck in between Sunghoon and Sunoo, deja vu spreading across her mind. "Feel free to leave whenever," Sunghoon mutters in Aera's ear, "but I hope you don't." 

      Aera gives Sunghoon a weary, but thankful look. She catches Yena's stare and it says everything yet nothing. It says everything Aera's been thinking — that her love for Jake will be fleeting, but it gives Aera no answers to her uncertainty about her future with Jake if she ever ends up climbing over the wall hindering the both of them from being together. 

      The game begins and the atmosphere is tense. The ball is kicked up and down the field and each goal attempt either misses or the goalie catches the ball. Neither of the team is besting the other, they each have their own weaknesses and Jake's is the weakness of Aera's team. He's not playing like how he usually plays; sure and confident of himself, he isn't as lightfooted as Aera remembers him to be and there's no smile on his face, only a hard frown, and glazed eyes. 

      Seeing Jake does something to Aera. Maybe it opens her eyes or closes them further, but it still makes the girl shift uncomfortably in her seat, even as the opposition scores two consecutive goals, shattering her college team's morale. 

      "I feel sick," Aera says, standing, "I'm gonna head home." 

      Aera can feel Yena's worried glance, and Sunoo tells Aera to feel better. Sunghoon's hand lightly touches Aera's forearm and his stare is far too meaningful for Aera. "Don't die on the way back," is all Sunghoon says, but Aera knows he wants to say more. 

      As Aera walks past the other people sitting along the row of bleachers she sat on, she looks out to the field and her heart pauses. Her eyes find Jake's gaze and she's no longer freezing her ass off as the rain trails down places it shouldn't. His gaze warms Aera from the inside out and the sickness is replaced with burning love and desire — Aera needs to leave before she does something stupid like run out onto the field and kiss Jake senseless. 

      Breaking the eye contact, Aera pins her eyes to the ground and quickens her pace, ignoring the loud gasps and voices calling out Jake's name. She focuses on the way the rain hits her, soaking her to the bone — and then she registers everything when feet appear in front of her. 

      Carefully, Aera raises her gaze and finds Jake, just as soaking wet as she is, standing in front of her. 

      Nothing matters anymore. 

      "Jake —" 

      "Aera, I love you," Jake interrupts, his voice raw, just like when he fell to his knees in tears the night he apologized to Aera. "I love you," he says again, desperation joining the rawness of his voice. "I love you. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. Aera, I love you so much." 

       Aera didn't even care that all eyes were on them. She didn't care about the harsh rain. She doesn't care about anything — she only cares about Jake who stands in front of her, soaking, and putting his heart at Aera's feet. 

        "Nicole never meant anything to me, and I know you know it." Jake steps up onto the one step keeping distance between them. "I know you know a lot of things, Aera, and me loving you with. . .My everything is one." 

         Jake's burning desire is evident, especially when he ignores everyone calling his name to get back down to the pitch. Aera's left speechless. She's trying not to fall apart in front of the one boy who sees right through her. 

         "All I need is one last chance, Aera. Give me one last chance to love you without any regrets. Because there are many things I regret, and not telling you I loved you sooner is one of them." 

         "Jake," Aera says softly. "Jake," she repeats because that's all she can say. His name which melts on her tongue like honey. His name which sets everything in Aera on fire. "Oh my god, Jake." Aera's hands curl at her sides as the ache to touch him becomes unforgiving. 

         "Aera," Jake says again, his hand reaching out to cover Aera's fisted hand, "I love you." 

      "Kiss me," Aera says suddenly, her desire, her love, her longing for Jake seeping into her words, "kiss me like you mean it." 

        Jake does as Aera asks. His hot breath on her lips, and then his wet lips crashing against Aera's. The kiss is magical and thrilling, Aera's toes curl in her toes and warmth explodes across her shivering body. Kissing in the rain is messy and wet, but it makes it all the more memorable as everything Aera fought to keep beneath murking waters burst to the surface, free of whatever chained them to the seabed. Jake's hands warm up Aera's cheeks and she finally feels blood rush to her fingers as they slide over Jake's chest, gripping his soccer jersey tightly. 

         Then, it ends. The calling of Jake's name rushes back and the voices of bystanders rush all at once. They both jerk away from each other with dazed eyes and burning cheeks. "You should probably go and win that game," Aera says, letting her hand push through Jake's hair. His hands never leave Aera's cheeks as he stares at her with love that could easily make Aera melt to the ground. 

         "I should. Good luck kiss?" Jake questions, tilting his head to the side like a puppy. 

        If possible, Aera's cheeks redden even more. She indulges in Jake's request anyway and kisses him again. He turns to leave but then turns back, a knowing question written across his face. 

         "I love you too, Jake," the words finally spill out of her mouth. "A lot. I love you a lot." 

        Jake beams. "Not as much as me though. Don't go anywhere, we should talk after the game." 

         Aera nods, "we should," and she watches Jake bounce down the bleachers, ignoring his teammates and coaches hounding him for his little stunt. 

         Jake wins the soccer game. 

◾◾◾◾

Aera and Jake sit opposite each other in MOA cafe wearing dry clothes and hot mugs of hot chocolate sit in front of them. The silence is comfortable, but there's underlying tension. "So," Aera starts, "what did you want to talk about?" 

      Jake smiles, "I love you, Aera, you know that right?" 

       Aera can't fight off her smile. "Yes, I'm aware." 

       "I love you, but I also hurt you and it's killing me. I just. . Need to get a few things off my chest. Things you should know — be aware of." 

         Aera nods her head and sips her hot chocolate, waiting for Jake to continue. 

        "Nicole came to my apartment that day to get back together. I obviously said no because she wasn't the best girlfriend in the world. No one could fill the Aera-like hole in my heart," Jake starts with a sheepish smile, "but I think you should know why I did what I did." Jake inhales deeply and his fingers brush against the cool wooden table. 

         "As stupid as it sounds, I did everything because I was scared. I love you, Aera, and when I love someone, I love them a lot — and most of the time I end up loving them more than they love me, and when I realized I loved you I just — I got scared. You have this reputation and I didn't want to be just another. . .Victim Of Aera, I didn't want to be another disposable play-thing for you. And that just sounds so stupid of me, but I've always been insecure when it came to my love for others. Platonic or romantic." 

          Aera's eyes soften and she reaches out to hold Jake's hand. "So, I told you I was going to ask Nicole out before we had sex because I wanted to see your reaction, I wanted to feel safe in my own love for you, I wanted to know that if I ever confessed, you would reciprocate because I wasn't sure if this whole friends-with-benefits thing was just a no-strings kind of thing, but I didn't get what I wanted, which is deserved because I fucked up majorly with that. So, I continued on dating Nicole because I thought that by making you jealous we would fall into a relationship just as easily as Yena and Heeseung. And I thought that maybe with Nicole I could feel the love I felt with you." 

        Jake attempts to laugh but it comes out dry and bitter. "It didn't work and I only hurt you more. I was so — I was so stupid. My need to feel secure in my own love blinded me and I'll never stop being sorry." 

          "It's okay, Jake," Aera says gently, "because we have each other now. Because we love each other now. And, I get it. I was scared to admit I loved you because what if my love for you burnt out just as quickly as I realized it? You taught me a new definition of love I wasn't aware of. You gave love another meaning." Aera smiles at Jake, "I was scared of the future, but now, listening to you, I realize that I don't have to be scared of the future because it'll always be uncertain. I do know that. . .I want to be with you for a long time because love is a challenge and I love a good challenge." 

          Jake's laugh isn't bitter, but rather full of choked emotion, "we both fucked ourselves over in our own ways, huh?" 

        Aera laughs too, "we did, but now we're here with each other and that's all that matters. Now, we can start over fresh, but this time our love will be known." 

       Jake beams and Aera falls in love even more. "I love you so much, Aera, it's actually insane." 

       "I love you too, Jake," Aera responds, "and I hope my love for you will be enough." 

       "It'll always be enough for me, Aera. Everything you do is enough for me." 

      Aera blushes and breaks eye contact. Jake laughs and squeezes Aera's hand three times. "So, wanna be my girlfriend?" 

       Aera looks back up at Jake, her grin matching Jake's radiant beam. "I thought you'd never ask." 

         "So, that's a yes?" 

        Aera nods her head eagerly, "I'd love to be your girlfriend. In this universe and the next."