[018], aera's a mess. (but she's jake's mess)

BEFORE Aera knew it, Yena's birthday was only days away and her family reunion was only weeks away. January and February passed by hauntingly slow and it never answered her prayers of making this semester go faster, instead, it was like the world had slowed down. March was faster than usual and Aera was thankful for that, but as the month draws to a close, Aera can't help but wonder what the next few months have in store for her. 

         It was March 30th and Aera sat in the library with her usual study group; Yena, Sunoo, Jungwon, and Riki. It was anything but quiet, Riki was trying to get Sunoo to listen to some weird music beat he produced last night, "I'm gonna put it on Soundcloud!" Riki had eagerly exclaimed as he played the song on full blast in a quiet library. As Riki blasted his song, Sunoo attempted to talk the younger boy down from that idea — Sunoo feared Riki's ego would bruise far too purple so the color would never fade. 

          Jungwon and Yena were playing Noughts and Crosses, with Jungwon continuously winning as Yena dumbly stares at the paper littered with games, and wonders where she went wrong — where she was going wrong. 

          All the ruckus was enough to take Aera out of the deep depths of hell within her mind. Aera stares at her Macbook and decides to put off writing her 2,000-word essay for another day. She'll handle it when she isn't sitting in a library distracted by her friends being way too loud. She turns her attention to Yena and Jungwon and watches Yena get absolutely destroyed by Jungwon yet again. 

        Yena throws down her pen with a flourish, "I give up!" 

        "It's about time," snickers Jungwon, "how can you suck that badly?" 

       Yena glares and pinches Jungwon's cheeks harshly, not like her usual pinches to the younger boy's cheeks. "Menace Jungwon. That's your name from now on." 

      Jungwon shrugs, not caring much about the name Yena had bestowed onto him and holds out a pen in Aera's direction. "Want to play?" 

      Aera smiles and shakes her head, "no, I'm afraid you'll hurt my ego." 

      Jungwon grins evilly. "You know me so well, Aera." 

      "It's my birthday soon," Yena says, leaning back in her chair, "what are you guys planning for it?"

        "We. . . We're meant to plan something for your birthday?" Sunoo asks carefully, looking up from Riki's phone.

         Yena glares the nastiest glare Aera's ever seen. "Yes. What the fuck."

         "When is your birthday?" Jungwon asks, playing against himself in Noughts and Crosses.

       "April 4th. I told you this what the fuck."

       "Obviously I didn't listen, Yena, not everything that comes out of your mouth is worth listening to."

       Yena gasps and lunges for Jungwon's neck, but Aera pulls her back and scolds her. "Bad Yena."

        Yena pokes her tongue out at Aera. "Fuck off. Let me murder Jungwon, the world will be better off without him."

         "Yuri's birthday is April 1st," Jungwon speaks, a familiar lovesick smile that Aera's only ever seen Heeseung and Yena wear appearing on his face.

         "Lucky," Yena pouts, "the last thing I told my mother was that I wished I was born on April 1st instead of April 4th so I'd have a valid reason to call my whole life a joke."

      It's deadly silent after that and Aera struggles to hold in her laughter as she looks at the faces of Sunoo, Jungwon, and Riki. "It's okay," Yena says, amused lacing her tone, "you can laugh."

      "You have some serious problems, Yena," Riki sighs as if he were a sixty-year-old man, and shakes his head like a disappointed father.

      "I don't need therapy," Yena says, "therapy will just make me cry if I have to relive my trauma. Better off never talking or thinking about it. But then again, if I really think about it, joking about my trauma is therapy."

       "Moving on," Sunoo says loudly, "what do you want for your birthday?"

      "And don't say —"

      "I want Heeseung," Yena grins, interrupting Riki who drops his forehead on the table with a loud thump.

       "I think it's time for us to pull out Operation: Break-up Yena and Heeseung," Jungwon mutters, "they're too in love."

        "You're one to talk," Sunoo scowls, "go back to swinging your legs through the air as you read Yuri's texts. It makes me want to puke."

        "You don't have to watch me do that, Sunoo," Jungwon retorts, "you can always go sleep somewhere else or just like. . Not watch me."

       "We can never stay on topic, can we?" Aera sighs, "first we were talking about Yena's birthday, and now we're talking about Jungwon acting like a teenage girl."

      "I blame Riki," Yena says.

      "What did I do?!"

      "Exist."

      "Fuck you, Yena."

      "Heeseung's really good at —"

      "No sex talk," Sunoo seethes, "shut up. I don't want to hear it, Yena."

      "Are you okay with Jake being invited to your party?" Jungwon suddenly asks, the atmosphere immediately growing thick with tension. Jake was a taboo topic if Aera's being completely honest. She hardly ever sees him, and when she does, he's with Nicole. Sometimes even just thinking about Jake sets Aera into a moping mood and it ends with her eating about three Dairy Queen cookie dough blizzards without a break which then gives her a massive brain freeze.

      "Well. . He is our friend, isn't he?" Yena's question is met with silence. "Or not?"

      Riki glances over at Aera who is trying to immerse herself back into her essay. She can't think about Jake right now. She just can't. "Aera?" Riki's voice was soft, as if he was handling something so fragile that if he raised his voice it would shatter, "are you okay with Jake coming?"

       "Of course," Aera answers without hesitation, a bitter taste spilling across her tongue. "Don't let me get in the way of your friendship with Jake."

      "Aera —"

      "He made his choice and I made mine," Aera says harshly as if she were concluding a persuasive speech, "and even though it's painful, I still. . I don't know if respect is the right word, but I'm not putting up a fight against his decision because that must be what he truly wants."

      "It's been two months and he still hasn't come to his senses," Yena scoffs and shakes her head. "Pathetic."

      "We — he shouldn't force himself to like me back. I don't want something that's forced."

       It was almost like Aera could see the elephant sitting on the table in front of them as no one added their thoughts to the dreadful conversation. Aera instantly regrets ever piping up about how she felt for the first time in a while. Maybe it is better to keep all these thoughts to herself.

      "You're right," Riki sighs, "we suck at keeping on topic. So, is Jake getting an invite, yes or no?"

        "Yeah, but I'll tell him that if he brings Nicole, I will start up another fight and literally give him the cold shoulder for the rest of his life. I don't care if we're in the same friend group, I will treat him like trash and I will not be sorry for it," Yena says firmly and everyone took her word as final.

      "Ah, the classic blackmail," Riki hums in approval.

      "That's not blackmail, Riki," Sunoo points out.

      "Okay? I don't listen to people a foot shorter than me."

      "I hope you accidentally throw your Nintendo Switch into the toilet," Sunoo growls. "And your song is shit but please put it on Soundcloud, I want to see you get bullied and eaten alive by the Soundcloud listeners."

      "How do I accidentally throw something?"

      "Why are you asking me?"

      "Because you're the one who said it!"

      "Since when do you ever listen to anything I have to say, Riki?"

      And just like that, everything is back to normal and Aera forgets about Jake and his stupid girlfriend, and her stupid feelings for Jake.

◾◾◾◾

Yena's birthday party was a success — they went as a group with Soobin, Yeonjun, Beomgyu, Taehyun, and Kai joining them at the bowling alley and had the time of their lives. Aera enjoyed herself a lot as she was surrounded by the people she holds close to her heart, and she especially enjoyed seeing Yena lose game after game to Heeseung and Riki who got super competitive. (Jake too, but Aera doesn't like to think about Jake that much anymore.)

      It was tough seeing Jake in person and alone for the first time in a while. Aera was glad Nicole was nowhere in sight so Jake must've taken Yena's threat seriously — which is a good thing because Yena never goes back on a threat like the one she made days prior in the library. 

      Aera avoided Jake the entire night, but whenever their eyes met, Aera felt like giving in to the lull and allowing her footsteps to guide her to stand beside Jake, an arm around his waist as she leans into his side because that was where Aera truly belonged. Whenever their eyes met Aera felt like the whole world stopped, she felt like it was only them existing in that moment. 

      Aera sat in the warmth of MOA cafe, a mocha sitting next to her Macbook on the table as she reads over the feedback she was given by her tutor for the draft of her essay that's due in a couple of days. She was waiting for Yena so they could walk back to their dorm together since Aera apparently hates being alone now. 

        The door to MOA cafe is flung open and Yeonjun calls out a distracted hello as he scrolls through his phone. Lia must not be at work today since Yeonjun is taking every break opportunity to keep himself updated on Incel Reddit or something. 

          "Why are you looking at feet on Reddit?" Yena asks loudly. 

        Aera looks up and watches Yeonjun glare at Yena. "I was not. Do you want your damn Americano or not? Because I'll gladly not make it." 

         "Is Lia sick or something?" 

        "Of your bullshit? Yeah," Yeonjun smirks, proud of himself for that remark. 

        Yena scowls and orders her drink and brownie, Yeonjun pulling the finger at Yena as she turns her back to walk towards Aera. "I'm expecting you to bring it to me and not leave it on the counter like last time, Choi." 

         "Yeah, yeah, go and gossip with Aera, Kang." 

       Yena slides into the seat opposite Aera and grins, "guess what." 

       "Your pregnancy test came back negative?" 

       "Well, yeah, but also wrong guess. Make another one." 

       Aera holds up her hand for a high-five. "Negative! You go girl! And uh, I'm pregnant?" 

       Yena gives Aera a deadpan look, "you suck at guessing games. Anyway, I was in class today talking to Sieun and I overheard Nicole's conversation with one of her friends and apparently she and Jake are having fights like three times a day." 

         "What's this supposed to do with me?" Aera asks, gripping onto her Mocha to take a sip. 

        "Jake wants to have some space, Nicole said he told her he's tired of just hanging out with her for hours every day. This must explain why he's over at the apartment more often than usual, Sunghoon appears a bit happier now that Jake's sticking around. Jay couldn't care less, but he does shut his door when he sleeps now. Anyway, Aera, I think Jake's going to break up with Nicole. This could be your chance! They were never going to work out anyway, I mean, Nicole is far too clingy and bitchy and somewhat controlling and Jake is like, the embodiment of America — the land of the free, and shit like that. I don't know. I wasn't born in America." 

         "That's — that's a lot to take in," Aera says, her eyes wide as she filters through the information Yena gave her. "So, Nicole and Jake are fighting constantly?" 

          Yena nods her head, "yup, apparently they get super loud when they fight. Poor Jake, I hope he gets out of that relationship. Oh, thanks Yeonjun." Yena graciously accepts her Americano and brownie from Yeonjun who finally left the counter. 

         "Are you talking about Jake and Nicole?" Yeonjun asks curiously. 

         "Yeah," Yena hums, sipping her drink, "they're going to break up soon." 

         "Good riddance. Nicole's a controlling bitch," Yeonjun comments offhandedly as he stares down at his phone. 

          "You know her?" Aera asks. 

         "A friend of mine dated her. Nicole socially isolated him from all his friends because she wanted his attention to only be on her or some shit. They broke up a couple of years ago. He's severely depressed now." There's a beat as Yena and Aera share a look, "not that the depression and break up correlate," Yeonjun rushes out, his eyes wide. "I don't even know why I added that in there." 

        Yena snickers, "you're an idiot, Yeonjun." 

      "I thought you and Jake were a thing, Aera?" Yeonjun asks, his eyebrows creased together. "I was super surprised when I found out he was dating Nicole." 

       Aera shrugs, "sometimes you don't get what you want and you have to be okay with that." 

       Yeonjun grins and reaches out to ruffle Aera's hair affectionately. "You sound like you're on your deathbed." The familiar jingle of the MOA cafe door opening sounds throughout the cafe and Yeonjun turns out. "Yeji! Hey!" 

         Yeonjun leaves the two girls alone and Yena turns to Aera, "Nicole's a walking red flag. I think you should ruin Jake's relationship, Aera." 

          Aera sighs and glances back down at her Macbook, her heart feels heavy. If she ruins Jake's relationship what would that make her? What will others think of her? What would Jake think of her? Aera felt as if there was too much on the line, but in thinking that, Aera realizes she was protecting herself  — but shouldn't Aera do that? Shouldn't she put herself first for once? "Yena," Aera says, "I can't." 

         "Aera —" 

        "I love Jake," Aera gasps, her throat closing up, "and I can't do this to him." 

         "But this isn't what he wants, Aera, he wants you," Yena says, desperation lacing her tone. 

          "If he wants me, then why did he choose Nicole?" 

         Yena opens her mouth and then closes it. 

         "I realized I loved him too late, I realized I loved him when he couldn't be mine. I think that's what the universe is trying to tell me — I can never have what I truly desire. In the summer I gave my heart to a boy who threw it in the ocean, and now, in the winter, I gave my heart unknowingly to a boy who tied puppet strings around it and played with me like I was some sort of entertainment to him." Everything in Aera burns, if this were a fanfiction, Aera would be choking up flowers, if this were a fanfiction, Aera would get her happy ending and the flowers would wilt away. 

         "Aera, you should at least try," Yena begs desperately,  her voice quiet as Aera's pain becomes Yena's. "He loves you too, Aera." 

          "I promised Sunghoon I wouldn't give up, but why should I keep holding on when — when Jake —" Aera molds her lips together and holds back the pained scream scratching at her throat, desperate to be let out. "If he loves me, as everyone says, then why is he doing this to me?" 

          Yena didn't have an answer, and Aera realizes that there was no answer — no cure for this kind of pain. 

◾◾◾◾

Aera stands in front of Sunghoon's apartment, waiting for the door to open. She sent Sunghoon a text saying she was here so he better put his moisturizer away and clean his hands before she sees him otherwise she'll tell everyone his dark secrets. Sunghoon told her to fuck off. 

        Aera's mind had been stuck on that conversation in MOA cafe ever since that day and it was getting harder to shove the pain out of her chest. Aera just wants to feel sane, she wants to feel normal, she wants to give up the chase for love. Every day it's getting harder to breathe, some days, Aera wants it all to end in flames so Aera has a reason to move on and hate Jake for the rest of her life. 

          The door opens.

         "Aera?" 

        Aera takes in the soft blond hair of Jake. Everything about him looks the same, everything about him speaks safe and warm. The familiar yearning and craving fills up her heart and Aera wants to throw herself into his arms and whisper the truth, Aera wants to ruin Jake's relationship just so the world call look yellow and blue again. 

        "Is — is Sunghoon here?" Aera's voice feels weak. Her hands tremble and Aera shoves them into her hoodie pocket. 

           "No," Jake responds, shifting on his feet. It's awkward. 

         Aera pulls out her phone and with shaky fingers, she sends him a text message. fuck you sunghoon. where tf are u. I'm alone w JAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and two seconds later, her phone lights up with Sunghoon's name. 

          "Aera, I'm so sorry, but my professor asked me to stay behind to talk about my grades because apparently, I've been doing really bad in his class which just doesn't make sense so I kinda fought him over my grades, but I'm about to win this argument so I'll be there in thirty minutes —" 

          "Ten minutes or I'm eating all the cookies Jay made." Aera hangs up and steps forward, "I'll raid the pantry while I wait for Sunghoon," she tells Jake absentmindedly as she slides her shoes next to Jake's without realizing it. 

           "Oh, okay." 

         The silence is loud as Aera walks further into the apartment. She hears the soft click of a door closing, and then gentle footsteps pad after Aera who ever-so-slightly quickens her pace. Upon reaching the kitchen, Aera immediately enters the large pantry and stares at the shelves full of food, her eyes wide — she's still not used to how stocked their pantry always is, perks of being rich Aera guesses. 

         Aera stands on her toes, cursing Sunghoon for always placing them out of her reach. It took a lot of effort but Aera manages to take the cookies down and place them on the counter. She glances over and watches Jake walk into the kitchen and her heart jumps. Aera can't contain her heart which works on its own, and works without any restraints. 

         Aera turns back around and grabs the container of brownies to eat while she waits for Sunghoon to rush through the door and beg for her forgiveness. Taking a brownie and biting into it, ignoring Jake's eyes, she turns to the refrigerator and opens it up, grabbing out the apple juice she had written onto the boys' grocery shopping list they were making last week. She also grabs out two glasses and pours some juice. 

          Aera tries to ignore everything her heart is telling her, Aera is trying to ignore Jake and his gentle yet intense stare, she's trying to ignore everything about Jake. His smell. His eyes. The soft and familiar curve of his lips, the familiar feeling of his fingers all over her body, tainting her in the best way possible, his fingers that had burned their touch into Aera's waist and now she can't go a day without feeling the ghost of his hands squeezing her waist the way he used to. 

         Aera watches as Jake reaches for the glass. Her voice cuts through the loud and tense atmosphere. "That's not for you," a beat, "it's for Sunghoon." 

        Jake withdraws his hand and looks away. "Oh." 

       Aera tries to smile, but she can't. Her fingers curl against her sides, and then reaches out to nudge the Tupperware container towards Jake, "you — you can have some brownies." 

        Jake raises his eyes and smiles softly. Aera's heart flops and demands to feel Jake's skin against Aera's. Aera restrains herself. She can't give in to the overwhelming lull of Jake, especially as she watches his hands stretch out and take a brownie. Aera gulps and looks away. 

          Jake clears his throat, "are you and Sunghoon. . .?" 

        Aera frowns, "are we what?" 

        Jake shifts uncomfortably, It takes a second, but then Aera's reeling back, a disgusted scowl on her face. "Dating? Are you insane, Jake? I would never date him. He's gross, and I'm pretty sure he's still hung up on his ex-girlfriend." 

          "Oh, okay." 

          "I can't believe you would even suggest that, Jake," Aera scoffs, grabbing another brownie, "has being around Nicole dumbed you down?" 

           Jake doesn't respond and Aera takes a sip of her apple juice. The silence becomes loud again and Aera can hear every sound — Aera swears she heard a fucking bird breathe. That's how silent it was, that's how suffocating Aera felt as she tried to ignore the craving her heart pumped out of her body. 

          "Aera?" Jake sounds nervous. 

        "What?" 

      "Can. . Can we talk about that day?" 

      Aera raises an eyebrow, "why? We said what we needed to say. Let's just leave it at that." 

      "Aera," Jake sounds desperate as if he's trying to grasp onto something that's not there. He flounders for his words. "I — I didn't —" the sound of his phone ringing cuts through the air and Aera glances over, a bitter feeling in her stomach boiling as Nicole's name comes up on the screen. 

        Jake ignores it, "Aera, what I said was stupid and I regret —" 

        "Aren't you going to answer that?" 

       "Why?" 

       "Because she's your girlfriend?" Aera says, creasing her eyebrows together, "you should give her your attention, Jake." 

         "She doesn't deserve my attention, Aera." 

       "Jake —" Aera feels a punch to her gut, "you can't just say that —that's cruel." 

        "It's true," Jake stands his ground, "I don't. . I don't like her anymore. I don't want to be with her anymore." 

          "But Nicole's the person you want the most Jake, you made that very clear when we last talked." 

          "I don't want her — I never wanted her." 

       Aera can't breathe and her hands grip the edge of the kitchen counter as she maintains heated eye contact with Jake. Her stomach swirls with a feeling she hasn't felt in a long time and it isn't drowning beneath the waves of pain. She forces the next words out of her mouth, hoping his answer is one Aera wants to hear. "What do you want, then, Jake?" 

         "You," Jake says, his voice raw with emotion. "I want you." His breath stutters, "I've only ever wanted you." 

          "Then why, Jake?" Aera asks, agony seeping into her voice, "why choose her?" 

       "Because — because," Jake vacillates, deciding if he should speak the next words swimming through his mind or not. "Because I was scared, and I wanted to make you jealous." 

         Aera can't breathe. The whole world tumbles and tilts around Aera. Nothing is the same — her world has never been the same when it came to Jake who consistently kept Aera on her toes, who consistently kept her longing for his words that simultaneously soothed her heart and kept it racing ten times the normal speed. The Jake who always called Aera baby, even when she asked him to stop. The Jake who Aera wants to continue calling her baby until he can no longer speak. The Jake who gave Aera a new meaning of love without even knowing it. The Jake who Aera is so fucking in love with it's painful to think about. 

         "Jake, what does that mean?" Her hands tighten around the edges of the kitchen counter, her knuckles going white. "What do you mean?" 

         Jake doesn't get to answer because Sunghoon's voice shatters their heavy atmosphere. "I'm here!" Sunghoon shouts, "Aera! Put the knife down! Don't kill Jake! I'm here! Don't eat the cookies!" His voice grows closer and his footsteps thump against the carpeted ground, a sign he was racing down the hallway to reach the bathroom before Aera murdered Jake. 

        Sunghoon gasps loudly as he pauses, resting his hands on his knees to catch his breath. "Aera — Jake —" Sunghoon sucks in sharply, "don't kill —" he gasps again, "each other." 

         Aera snorts, her knuckles still white. "And you say you're an athlete?" 

       "Shut up," Sunghoon scowls. 

        Jake steps away from the counter and walks out of the kitchen silently. Aera allows her eyes to trail after Jake's figure, her heart racing ten times its normal speed. Her mind races and Aera can't decide what she wanted to hear from Jake. Did she want to hear a confession of his feelings or a weird type of rejection?

        "Aera?" Sunghoon asks around a mouthful of chocolate-chip cookies, "are you okay? You look constipated — or is that your thinking face?" 

        Aera glares at Sunghoon. "I hope you choke on your cookie and die." 

◾◾◾◾

Aera sat on her bed, staring at her Macbook, scowling deeply. It's been a week since her encounter with Jake, and within that week, Aera's spent most of her days tucked away in her dorm, only being coaxed out with the promise of food. And now, Aera was all alone because Heeseung took Yena away on a surprise holiday, leaving Aera all alone which then also meant Aera would be turning up to the family reunion without Yena and that's like, a hate crime. 

     Aera didn't have anyone to depress to, because The Three Musketeers had all gone to eat ou after Jungwon and Riki lost a bet to Sunoo who demanded the two boys pay for his dinner when they went out to eat on Friday. 

     Aera had called Sunghoon earlier and it went a little like this: 

     "Wanna hang out, Hoonie?" 

     "No. I'm busy." 

     "With what? Being an asshole?" 

     "No. Writing an essay." 

     "For what? Your anthropology class?" 

     "I don't take anthropology, Aera." 

     "Isn't that your major?" 

     "No? I'm majoring in Environmental Science? Oh, I have to go. Bye Aera!" 

     "Wait —" 

     Aera curses Sunghoon out. She knew Jay was busy doing fashion stuff and Jake was definitely out of the question, which meant for the first time in a long time, Aera was alone. She was attempting to do her assigned readings but she just couldn't focus. It was hard to focus when Jake's words swam through her mind, when his words plunged into the deep end and rooted themselves there, letting Aera suffer through the overwhelming pain. 

     Aera picks up her phone and checks the time. It was a little past eight in the evening. She then unlocks her phone and finds herself face to face with Jake's contact profile. Her finger hovers over the call button, her loneliness overtaking any logical thought flooding Aera's brain. 

     Aera needs company and Jake always gave that to her. 

     A knock on Aera's door shakes her out of her thoughts. Her mind races and Aera wonders if it's Sunghoon coming over doing whatever he was doing, or maybe it was Riki inviting Aera over to their dorm to watch some scary movie that'll leave Aera tucking her head into Sunoo's neck while Riki laughs at both the movie and Aera. 

     Aera did not expect to see Jake standing on the other side of the door, looking beautiful as ever. God, when will Jake stop stealing all the air from Aera's lungs? 

     "Hi," Jake says, his lips bit red and raw. 

     "Hi," Aera parrots, her hand gripping the doorknob tightly. 

     "I broke up with Nicole," Jake blurts, his eyes blinking in astonishment — the same bewildered look he got whenever Aera said something he wasn't expecting. "I — that's not what I wanted to start with," Jake mutters looking down as his foot rubs the carpet. 

     "Do —" Aera clears her throat, "do you want to come in?" 

     Jake snaps his head up, "yes," he sounds breathless, "please." 

     Aera opens the door wider and steps aside allowing Jake to enter. The door shuts softly and Aera leans back against the cool surface, inhaling and exhaling softly. This was all too much. Her loneliness had gotten the best of her, and now Jake stands in the middle of her dorm, frowning slightly. 

     Jake suddenly whirls around, eyeing Aera with a determined look in his eye that doesn't quite match his physical appearance; raw, distraught, wild. "I'm sorry," Jake starts, his voice hollow, "I'm so sorry Aera, from the bottom of my heart. What I said that day is something I regretted from the moment I said all those awful things. I never meant it, Aera, I never mean any rude things I say to you. I — I'm sorry, Aera, for hurting you when it wasn't my intention, I just — I just wanted to make you," Jake bites at his red lip and Aera's hands clench at her sides, "I just wanted to make you jealous because I was scared." 

      Jake swallows and his chest heaves, and Aera swears his eyes glisten beneath the low yellow glare of the dorm lighting. "God, I'm so sorry, Aera," his voice wavers and Aera holds her heart together, "I was such a dumbass and an asshole and you were right. I never considered your feelings because I was scared of them and I was scared —" Jake does his best to hold back a soft sob, but it doesn't work, His legs tremble beneath the weight of his body and then he's falling onto his knees, his head bowed towards the ground, his hands clenching at his sides. "And — and I know you and Yena don't forgive easily, so I'm willing to do whatever to get you to forgive me because — because —" more tears trail down his face though Aera couldn't see it. "Aera, I'm so fucking sorry." 

      Aera's heart pushes against the tape trying to bind it together and Aera practically trips over her own feet to reach Jake in the center of the room, falling to her knees harshly, she's sure to get a carpet burn, and throwing her arms around the boy to pull him into a bone-crushing embrace. Jake's head drops onto Aera's shoulder and his entire body shakes. 

      "Oh, Jake," Aera says gently into his hair, feeling his hands squeeze her waist, and her heart leaps. "Jake, I'm sorry too, I should've never said you didn't feel anything because you do Jake, you feel  so much  I sometimes wonder how you're okay with having to shoulder the burdens of others." Aera holds Jake closer to her body not wanting to let him slip through her fingers this time. 

      "I was such an asshole," Jake murmurs through his tears, his lips grazing Aera's neck. "And I'll forever beat myself up for causing you so much pain." His body shakes again and Aera feels like she's suffocating the boy with how tightly she's holding him. 

      "Are you okay, Jake?" Aera asks gently, "it takes a lot to make you cry. What happened?" Drawing away, Aera holds Jake's face in her hands as the tears continue to stream down his face, creating wobbly lines. Her fingers brush them away gently. "Jake?" 

      "Nicole —" Jake chokes out, his chest heaving shallowly, "she —" Jake melts into Aera's hands as he squeezes his eyes shut harshly as if he were trying to remember something from the past. "She told me I was unlovable. She said I'll never be able to find someone who loved me the way she did." 

      Pure, unadulterated rage grows through Aera's chest and her eyes tighten. "Jake that's not true," her voice was shaking with outrage, "you're the most lovable person know. You're so easy to love Jake," her fingers desperately rush to wipe away Jake's tears, "don't listen to her Jake, you'll just be wasting your time — Nicole only ever speaks lies. Believe me, Jake, believe me when I say you're lovable." 

      "Really?" There's raw hope in Jake's eyes and Aera's hands tighten softly around his face. Her heart burns for Jake's pain, her mind still can't comprehend what Nicole said to him — that was something more unforgivable than what Jake did. 

      "Of course, Jake, you're a lot of things and lovable is one of them. I think — I think you'll find someone out there who will love you more fiercely than Nicole did." 

      "Does this mean you forgive me?" 

      "Yes Jake," Aera whispers, wiping more tears that trail down his face away, "of course I forgive you. Do you forgive me?" 

      "I forgave you the moment you walked away, Aera." 

      "Jake," Aera says softly, her fingers ghosting over his cheek.

      "Aera," Jake whispers back, "can we start over? I don't want to hurt you anymore." 

      "Of course, Jake," Aera says, "we can start over, but just promise me one thing." 

      "Anything." 

      "Stay," Aera says, her eyes holding Jake's glistening ones, "stay with me for as long as possible." 

      "Yes. Of course. I promise." 

      Aera smiles, "let's start over, Jake." 

      Jake stares at Aera, and then he's surging forward, the warmth of his lips on Aera's, who is stunned for a moment. Jake pulls away abruptly and Aera breaks out into quiet giggles. "I'm sorry — Aera, I'm sorry —" 

        "Hey," Aera giggles, resting her forehead against Jake's their noses brushing, "it's okay, Jake," her breath tingles Jake's lips, "it's okay. We don't have to start over now, we can start over later. It's okay." She presses her lips against Jake's and the world bursts into color for the first time in a long time. Her hands remain on Jake's face, wiping away the last of his tears trailing down his face, and his hands squeeze Aera's waist. It was familiar, yet new. 

        Aera and Jake travel from the floor to Aera's bed, her Macbook laying on the ground as Jake trails kisses down Aera's neck, his hands still gripping onto her waist as Aera melts into her bed with the familiar pressure of Jake on top of her. Jake returns to Aera's lip and kisses her with such passion, that Aera almost lets the three words slip past her lips. "I missed you," Jake says against Aera's lips, "so much. And I'll never stop being sorry for what I did." 

         "Jake," Aera pushes her hand through his hair, "it's okay." 

       "I'll make up for it," Jake swears solemnly. "I'll make up for all the time lost." 

       Aera smiles and kisses Jake with equal passion, "you being here is enough for me." 

        Time passes as the passion continues, and now Aera's curled up beside Jake, her hands tracing random shapes on his bare chest, his hand splayed out against her waist. "Jake?" Aera whispers. 

         "Aera?" Jake responds, his lips moving against her head. 

        Aera raises herself slightly, resting all her weight onto her arm as she lies sideways, looking at Jake, her heart racing. "I have a question for you — you can say no if you want, don't feel pressured to say yes." 

         Jake raises an eyebrow, "what's up?" 

        "I have a family reunion on Sunday so I'm planning on leaving tomorrow and coming back on Monday, and Yena usually comes with me because she's basically a part of my family but she can't go this year because Heeseung nabbed her away from me, and I don't really want to spend six hours on a bus alone, so I was wondering if you wanted to come with me because you're good company Jake, and you have a car — oh, and my family kinda wants to meet you." 

        "That's. . A lot," Jake states, amusement flickering in his eyes. "But, I promised to stay with you, didn't I?" 

         "That's a yes?" 

         "Of course, baby." 

         Aera's never felt more in love. 

◾◾◾◾

Driving with Jake is officially one of Aera's favorite things to do. After Jake agreed to join Aera, they stayed up for a few more hours carefully curating a playlist for the drive to and from the family cabin in the woods. Aera felt at home as she listened to Jake's honey-like voice sing along to the songs they both picked out, and even more when she fell asleep a few hours later to the sound of his voice. 

       Aera was shaken awake an hour later when they were taking a break to use the toilets and maybe get something to eat if they were hungry. It felt nice entering a grocery store with Jake again, and it felt even nicer as they got back on the road to watch and feel Jake's hand travel from the steering wheel, to Aera's thigh. Aera worked up the nerve to link their hands together and she did everything in her power to push away the blush creeping up her neck and the butterflies storming her stomach. 

      They arrive at the cabins a little after dark and as Aera stares at the cars parked outside the cabin she can easily pick out the family members that were already there and her stomach squeezes. 

       Aera doesn't know why she's nervous but she guesses it links to the boy sitting beside her as he parked the car. Aera was nervous because Jake came instead of Yena, which her whole family was expecting to turn up. Aera also knows showing up to a family reunion with a boy, unannounced, speaks volumes within her family. 

      Her phone buzzes with a text from Moon demanding to know how far away Aera is. Aera snorts and texts back a, we're here, and then pockets her phone as the car dies. She smiles at Jake who smiles back, "nervous?" Aera asks. 

      "Not in the slightest. Are you?"

      "Very." 

      Jake reaches out and pinches Aera's cheeks. "There's no need to be baby! You know everyone here, I don't." 

         "Yeah, but," Aera fumbles for the right words. "They'll...they'll think we're dating." 

        "And that's supposed to be a bad thing?" 

       "Apparently not," Aera mutters. 

      Jake laughs, "you're so cute, baby. Let's go and face the crowd, yeah?" 

      The pair climb out of Jake's flash car, and the lights flash one to signify the car was locked. Aera stretches out her hand and grasps Jake's warm one, desperately needing some kind of support before the front door to the cabin is thrown open, lighting spilling over the porch and the steps leading up to the front, and noise breaks through the silence of the woods. Aera finds Moon standing in the doorframe and behind her a tall figure shields Aera from looking into the cabin. 

      "Aera!" Moon's voice shouts out into the night, the younger girl dashing down the slop steps and into Aea's arms, making the girl lose grip of Jake. "Took you long enough." Moon eyes Jake out of the corner of her eye and turns to Aera with a grin, "I don't blame you though!" 

      Aera scowls and whacks Moon, "you're so dirty-minded. Guess this just confirms what I've always known: Jin's the worst older brother." 

      "I heard that," Jin calls out as he gracefully makes his way down the steps. 

      Aera snorts, "good. And stop making a show, we all know that's not how you walk." 

      "Just admit you're jealous of me, Aera." 

      "Never," Aera says, and then pulls her older brother into an embrace. It felt nice, to hug Jin after three years. They've only ever seen and talked to each other on facetime or skype. "Nice to see you in person, Jinnie." 

        "You too, Aera. Now, are you going to introduce me to your lover-boy, or?" Jin draws out of the hug with a pointed look and Aera scowls, ignoring the blush on her cheeks. 

        "Jin, this is Jake. Jake, this is my older brother Jin. He's not as intimidating as he looks." 

      "Shut up, Aera. And this is Jake? The boy you weren't talking to the last time we talked?" 

      Aera's scowl grows deeper, "things change, Jin. Now go on, shake hands. Let's get the introductions over with, I'm tired." 

        Moon makes a hissing noise and Aera lunges for the youngest of the Kim's, which Moon easily evades. "Nice to meet you," Jake says, reaching his hand out for a handshake and bowing politely. 

         Jin laughs and wraps Jake up into a soul-squeezing hug. "You're the Jake that makes Aera happy! A pleasure to finally meet you after being at mercy to all my sister's long-winded stories and rants about you. You keep Aera on her toes, that's for sure." 

      "Um, thank you?" Jake struggles to breathe, but he hopes no one can tell. 

      Aera is Jake's saving grace. "You can let go Jin, you're suffocating him. God, you should stop going to the gym with Namjoon, it's only making your tailored suits stretch more." 

        "Yeah, but it makes me look good!" Jin puffs out his chest and both Aera and Moon snicker into their hands like little gremlins. 

      "Yeah, that's if you're into your buttons almost falling off and flashing all of our relatives!" Aera cackles, grabbing Jake's hand and pulling him up the steps. Jin scowls and brushes past Aera with Moon tailing him, her voice loudly teasing Jin about his appearance. 

         "You ready?" Aera asks Jake as they stand in the doorway. 

         "Yeah," Jake nods his head, "this is nothing to stress out over, right? I'll just. . Be my usual charming self. I mean, if I can make you fall for me, then how hard could it be?" 

      Aera wishes Jake knew what he did to her. But later. She'll tell him later, when this reunion is finished. When they're in the safety and confines of their own world and no one can come and pull them away. When Aera confesses to Jake, she wants it to happen without any distractions, because distractions can cause miscommunication and that's the last thing Aera wants. 

         Aera spends the night talking with her mother, father, and cousins. She keeps a watchful eye on Jake who charms her aunties and uncles in under a minute, and Aera, her siblings, and her cousins all decide that's a record. Aera decides it's true — Jake is so easy to love. 

       "I'm jealous," her cousin, Deji sighs, "your boyfriend is so hot, Aera. And charming, and perfect and — ugh, you're so lucky, Aera." 

         "Oh, thank you — we're not dating, though. We're friends." Aera blushes. Jake really is perfect, isn't he? He makes all his flaws, perfect. 

         "Oh?" Deji says, her eyebrows raising. "Really?" 

        "Yeah, but I'm planning on confessing to him after the reunion," Aera's voice lowers to avoid Jake hearing her, even though he was across the room and laughing loudly with Jin and his wife. 

        "Oh," Deji says knowingly. "Good luck. He'll say yes, I'm sure of it." 

         "Mmm," her other cousin, Soo-Ah hums, "he looks at you like you're the only person on the planet." 

           Aera wishes her heart didn't skip a beat the way it did. 

      The night draws to a close and Aera can't help but wonder how she's supposed to last all through tomorrow with Jake ingraining himself further into her family, especially as Jake fills up their shared room with only his voice. "Your family is really cool, Aera, I would've never guessed they were all multi-millionaires." 

          Aera chuckles and shoves her moisturizer back into her toiletries bag. "Yeah, we get that often," she slips beneath the comforter of their shared bed and instantly curls up against Jake, enjoying the familiar comforting smell of his cologne wash over her. "I'm glad you had a fun time though, my little peanut." She playful runs a hand through his hair, dodging his hand that comes out to whack her. 

      "My little peanut?" Jake asks, incredulous, "come on baby, give me a better pet name." 

       "No," giggles Aera, "I like giving you random funny ones. It makes my day better and you don't want to see me sad, do you?" Aera pouts for emphasis and pokes Jake's nose. 

        "No," Jake says softly, oddly serious, 'I don't want to see you sad ever again." 

       "Aww," Aera coos, running a hand across Jake's cheek gently, "my Uranus is so cute!" 

       Jake scowls. "What the fuck, Aera." 

       Aera giggles, leaning down to peck Jake's nose and curling up against his side, an arm wrapping around his waist. "Goodnight, Jake." 

        "Yeah," Jake reaches out to turn off the bedside lamp, the whole room plunging into darkness. "Goodnight, baby." 

        Aera fell asleep in seconds and she wonders if that was because Jake was next to her, keeping her close, holding her like she was the most precious thing on this earth — which, she probably was in Jake's eyes. Apple of the eye, or whatever they say.

      Morning comes and Aera feels light. She feels on top of the world, nothing can stop her now, she's surrounded by her friends and the boy she loves with her whole heart. Aera's right where she wants to be, and there's nothing that could tear her down. Morning is spent in laughter and soon it transitions to afternoon. Aera's mom and dad are the only ones walking around the outside of the cabin, while the rest sat patiently indoors with all the blinds and curtains shut.

      "Wait," Jake was saying, "we're meant to search for chocolate outside?"

       Moon nods her head, "yep, it's tradition. A weird one, but a fun one. The winner with the most chocolates gets to pick what movie we watch tonight, so it also gets quite competitive," Moon holds up her hand, "that's why I always make sure to get acrylics before any family reunion."

      "You must have these often then," Jake muses, leaning into Aera.

      "No," Jin says, "it's usually once every three years. We may look like a cool family, but everyone here is secretly scoping out their competition."

      Aera snorts, "ignore Jin. He's got a family, so naturally, he's threatened when there are more talented kids around his own."

       Jin's glare is scathing. "Shut the fuck up."

      "Don't make me get your wife, Jin," Moon warns, "then you'll have to skip out on the chocolate hunt."

      Jin pouts and crosses his arms. "You're both meanies. I'm going to go find my children who love me." He stalks off and the remaining three burst into giggles. Moments later, Aera's parents return and the chocolate hunt begins.

      "Let's stick together," Jake says to Aera, grabbing her hand, "I don't know the area well."

       Aera squeezes Jake's hand. "Alright! Another set of eyes, we're bound to win this hunt!"

       They didn't win. In fact, it was a total shit show for both of them. Aera stumbled over her feet many times which lead to her dirtying up her jeans. They both tripped over a branch as they ran away from Jin and his child, which lead to their chocolate scattering across the ground. Jake had walked into one of Aera's younger cousins' trap, which lead to their chocolate getting ripped away from them. Needless to say, it was one of Aera's worst chocolate hunting tournaments. 

       Jake pops chocolate he got from one of Aera's younger cousins into his mouth and grins at Aera, "you know, it wasn't too bad. It was a lot of fun."

      Aera smiles, "I'm glad."

      "I especially love the food," Jake says, practically drooling as the table in front of them was full of homemade Korean cuisine. "It's been ages since I've had homemade Korean."

        Lunch is shared with laughter, and soon everyone is getting ready to head to the lake. "There's a lake?" Jake asks as he lay on their shared bed, eyes focused on his phone as Aera gets changed.

          "Yeah," Aera says, "through a trail in the woods. Hey, could you tie up my top for me?"

         Jake discards his phone and scoots to the edge of the bed, his fingertips lightly skimming Aera's back which sends shivers down her spine. Jake's fingers move in tandem and soon she's all tied up, but Aera doesn't want Jake's fingers to leave her skin. "Thank you," Aera breathes, gaining control and stepping away. "You should get changed too."

         After rounding up the group they all travel down to the lake together to waste the late afternoon away. Aera lies out on her blanket next to Moon and Jin, while Jake is pulled away by Aera's cousins. He calls out to Aera to save him, but Aera being the nice friend she is, ignores him and relaxes on her blanket placed in between Moon and Jin.

         Soon, she gets bored cloud watching and instead focuses her attention on Jake, her stomach coming alive with butterflies and her heart pulsing love through her bloodstream. Love is tough. Love is a challenge. Love is something that shouldn't be played with because it's a force to be reckoned with.

          Here's the thing: you don't know when you'll fall in love, it just happens. But when it happens, you'll never feel more alive. When it happens, you don't want to lose that feeling because then nothing will ever be the same. The sun won't shine as brightly, the sky won't look that happy, bright, blue anymore. When you're in love you feel as if you're on top of the world.

          Being in love is the best feeling in the world, but it also brings pain — something Aera knows all too well.

         Being in love with Jake is like clouds on a hot day, being in love with Jake is like some company finally made ice cream that never melts in the heat, being in love with Jake is like. . being in love with Jake is everything good and perfect in the world, being in love with Jake is realizing that nothing's impossible. Being in love with Jake Sim is just so right.

      Aera smiles as she watches Jake smile after getting splashed in the face with water. There are no words to describe the kind of love she feels for Jake. It's nothing like the many love Aera's experienced before. It's new, and fresh, and exciting, and Aera never wants the feeling to stop. She never wants to give up this love because it makes Aera whole. Unknowingly, Jake's love built Aera up from the ground. His love was wild and unpredictable — Aera wasn't expecting to fall in love with Jake, but now that she is in love with him, she wonders why she didn't look past the persona that was, Jake Sim: The Campus Golden Boy Who Gets Girls Whenever, because he's so much more than just that.

       Without realizing it, both Aera and Jake experienced a metamorphosis, they broke out of their shell and became something bigger and brighter, they became something everyone now stares after and longs for. They became free and in love, they became who they've always longed to be. They went through a great change, only to end up in each other's arms.

       To put it bluntly; brazenly; Aera's so in love with Jake she wouldn't change anything about herself because she believes he loves her just the way she is.

        "Did you have fun today, Jake?" Aera asks later that night as they slide under the comforter together, seamlessly melting into each other.

         "Of course," Jake says, his hand moving through Aera's hair gently, "I always have fun when I'm with you."

      Aera hums, "I'm glad. You always make everything ten times more enjoyable. I think the younger kids had more fun than ever because of you."

      "You're making me blush, baby," Jake says and without looking, Aera knows he's playing around with her.

        "Fuck off. Look, just — thank you for coming with me. I appreciate it a lot."

        There's a feather-light kiss to Aera's temple, "of course, baby," Jake murmurs, "I can never say no to you. You're my everything."

      Aera almost pins Jake to the bed and kisses him senselessly, but she restrains herself and opts for a giggle to tumble out of her mouth. "Then, I suppose, you're my everything too, Walnut."

      "Walnut?"

      "Trying out some Nut pet names, Jake, thoughts?"

      "Try harder."

      "Of course. Anything for you, my love." 

◾◾◾◾

When Aera arrived back at the dorm, she flung herself onto her bed, shoved her face into her pillow, and squealed like a little girl, before beginning to giggle uncontrollably. She just had the best weekend with Jake, and now she's going to confess her feelings for him tomorrow. Her heart pounds and Aera's stomach churns in a mixture of nervousness and excitement. 

      After squealing about the weekend with Yena well into the early morning of Tuesday, Aera decides to head over to Jake's apartment during lunchtime. For the rest of the day Aera hypes herself up. She's finally going to be the one confessing her feelings. Her honest feelings. The feelings that leave her breathless. Her feelings that are sometimes too painful to handle.

      Lunchtime rolls around and Aera's a mess, but she still presses forward. The uber ride to Jake's apartment is long, and the elevator seems to move slower, and the hallway seems longer but Aera still pushes forward.

       Aera knocks on the door. She waits a minute and knocks again, the nerves never settle and she knocks again, frowning. Jake told her he would be home at lunch, so where is he? Aera knocks again and finally there's some movement.

      "Jake, hey," Aera says, a wide smile spreading across her face.

       "Aera," Jake grins back, "hey. I'm sorry, but I'm a bit busy right now, could we reschedule our hangout?"

      "Why?"

      Jake inhales sharply, "look, before you decide to yell at me, please let me explain —"

      "What's taking you so long Jake? — Oh. Hi." Nicole's voice rings out and Aera can't breathe.

      "Aera," Jake says, reaching out to grip her wrist, "please believe me when I say it's not what it looks like. Aera, please."

      Aera's unable to speak. She can't speak. Did Jake ever love her? Aera rips her wrist away from Jake who desperately called out to her, but Aera ignores him and carries on walking away in order to protect her heart from inevitable heartbreak.

      At the end of the day, it'll always be the same cycle when it came to Aera and Jake. Nothing will ever change, that's certain. Aera will fall more in love with Jake, only to end up heartbroken. Only to end up with devastation swallowing her whole.

      It's clear to Aera now: she wasn't made to be loved back. 

author's note,

hey, i thought a chapter as long as this one (its 9K WORDS??) deserved an author note, so here i am apologizing from the bottom of my heart. i cannot describe the anguish i felt writing this at 1 AM in the morning like it PHYSICALLY hurt me. 

me: I HATE miscommunication but also me: uses miscommunication as a plot device <3

if u want tell me ur thoughts, let out all ur rage, idk tell me anything!!!

four chapters plus an epilogue left!!!!!!!!!

(this next chapter is one ive been wanting to write from the start, in fact, it's the chapter that basically made me write this fic :oo)

ily all <3