[017], aera and her bitter hunger for self-destruction

AERA sat on her bed, her back pressed up against the cream-colored walls as she watched Yena stare into their small shared closet, Sunoo talking her ear off to help her pick out the best outfit for her date with Heeseung tonight. Riki's head was heavy in Aera's lap, but she didn't mind it. Her hand gently cards through Riki's hair as he plays Animal Crossing on his Nintendo Switch, and Jungwon sat on the floor, his back pressed up against Aera's bed, writing away in his diary. ("It's a journal!")

Yena groans and slumps down onto the floor, Sunoo joining the older girl on the floor and patting her back gently. "You can use my clothes too, Yena," Aera says, "we are the same size."

"What's the catch?"

"You do the laundry for two weeks."

Yena groans again but stands up and finally, some weight is lifted from her shoulders, and she interacts more with Sunoo who offers his advice.

"Where is Heeseung taking Yena?" Jungwon asks.

"To the beach to watch the sunset. They're ordering takeout and then driving down to the beach. Sounds romantic, and apparently, they have a thing for beaches ever since winter break," Aera replies, her eyes darting from Yena, to Jungwon who was listening to her as he wrote away in his diary ("It's a journal!), then to Riki who was moving around on his island.

"Sound like something Heeseung would do," Jungwon mutters absentmindedly. "He thinks the beaches are the most romantic places of all."

"You don't agree?" Aera asks.

Jungwon shakes his head, "I think, wherever I am with Yuri is the most romantic place I could be."

Riki snorts, "say, you were at a garbage disposal lot throwing away an old T.V, would that be a romantic place?"

"If I was with Yuri? Yes," Jungown responds without any hesitation. "Nothing is more romantic than just spending time with your significant other." 

"Bitches get a girlfriend and then suddenly they're an expert on love," Riki mumbles bitterly, his attention back on Animal Crossing. Aera shares a look with Jungwon and giggles, her attention turning back to Yena who was stalking over to the group of three.

Yena poses a couple of times for them, then punches Riki in the shin and poses again after gaining his attention. Riki squints, his thumb absentmindedly pushing down on the control of his Nintendo and Aera watches his Animal Crossing character walk in a circle, "isn't that top too thin, Yena? You're going to the beach and it's windy at the beach. Wear a coat or something."

"Why should I? I mean, being cold is like the first step of a date. Don't wear another layer so your date can offer you his jacket. Men don't deserve to be warm while a woman freezes her ass off! Women are far more valuable than men. I am expecting Heeseung to give me a jacket or hoodie."

"Bring one and then accidentally leave it in his car or something," Jungwon says, frowning as he writes away in his journal.

"Jungwon you're so smart," Yena sighs and turns to Sunoo who was practically shoved in Yena's and Aera's shared closet, "Sunoo! Jacket me up!"

Aera watches, with a heavy heart, as Sunoo and Yena fuss over what jacket to wear, how her hair should look, and what her make-up should be. Aera allows her hand dragging through Riki's hair to be her anchor to reality in case she got so far out of her own mind that she began to second guess every word spoken to her. (No, Yena wasn't flaunting her date in Aera's face! God, not everything is about you, Aera.)

"I'm so nervous," Yena pouts as she adjusts her look in the full-length mirror Aera had put up in their dorm a couple of days ago in hopes it would get the Australian soccer player out of her mind. ("Out of sight, out of mind," or something like that.)

Aera's smile is warm, "there's no reason to be nervous, Yena. He loves you and that's all that matters."

Yena turns to Aera and mirrors her smile. "God, it sounds weird hearing you say that. Heeseung loves me." Yena vibrates on the spot and pulls out her phone. "Oh! I should probably head down and wait for him to get here."

"Are you sure you don't want any of us to go down with you?" Aera asks even though she was quite comfortable with Riki's head on her lap. "I can easily shove Riki off my lap, just say the word!"

Yena laughs. "It's fine, I think I need some alone time before I sit beside Heeseung in his car. A car that makes him look sexy as fuck." Yena fans herself and Aera giggles, Sunoo joins in too.

"Make sure to give us all the details after, okay?" Sunoo says to Yena, waving his index finger in her face. "I don't want a single detail left out. Unless it's sex."

Yena blushes and shoves Sunoo. "Shut up."

"The color of your cheeks match Sunoo's hair, Yena," Riki tells the older girl without glancing up from his Nintendo Switch.

Yena gives Riki the finger, assesses herself in the mirror one last time, and then opens up the door to their dorm. "Wish me luck — oh. Hi!"

Heeseung stands in the corridor, his hand raised into a fist. He stares wide-eyed at Yena, and then he visibly gulps. "Hey."

Aera stifles her snicker. God, she felt like a background character in one of the many k-dramas she, Yena, and Sunoo all watch together when they've decided to stress over one of their many essays later on in the early morning.

Suddenly, Riki's Animal Crossing background music blasts loudly through the small dorm and it snaps Heeseung and Yena out of their stupor. Heeseung offers Yena his hand, which she takes and they walk away, sharing shy giggles and soft grins. Aera's heart soars at the sight, she's happy for Yena in every way possible.

Aera's phone rings and she shuffles around on the bed, careful to not let Riki's head slip from her lap. "Mom? What's up?"

"Hey, honey, how are you?" Aera can hear faint chatter in her mom's background.

"Fine. Thanks for letting us use the beach house again."

"My pleasure! We needed to see if there were any spiders and you and your friends were perfect for that! I'm glad there weren't any poisonous spiders, and I'm glad none of you got bitten."

"Mom, what the hell?"

"Oh, I called to let you know —" her mom cuts herself off and Aera feels her heartbeat skyrocket. Oh no. What happened? Aera prays her father didn't lose his job. Or maybe they're cutting Aera out of the will because she can't get a good Korean boyfriend. "Your brother, Seokjin, died."

Oh. Aera wasn't expecting that.

"What? How?" Those words gain Jungwon's and Sunoo's attention. Riki was too absorbed in cussing out Tom Nook. "Don't tell me it was because of Jungkook. That bitch."

"He was flying over a bit early, and his plane went down." There's still loud chatter in the background of her mom's phone call and Aera hears familiar laughter — but then again, Aera's just received earth-shattering news, so clearly she's just going through the stages of grief right now.

"He's gone? Just like that? There's no body or anything? I don't get to say goodbye?"

"I'm sorry honey," her mother says gently. There's some more laughter. "If you want, you can say your goodbyes to him now! I'm sure he'll be glad to hear your kind and affectionate words. Hold on."

"Huh? What? Mom?" Okay, now Aera thinks she's going insane because how the hell can she speak to a dead body?

"Aera! I'm disappointed in you. Since when were you this gullible? I'm literally indestructible." The familiar goofiness of Kim Seokjin's voice rings through the phone and it takes everything in Aera to not chuck her phone across the room.

"You're a little bitch, Jin," seethes Aera, her grip around the phone tightening, "when I see you at the family reunion I'm going to choke you out. If you ever die, it'll be by my own hands."

"Looking forward to it. I'd love to see your puny ass try to take me on. Anyway, do you want to go grab a coffee? Maybe you could bring that hottie Australian boy along and I'll scare him with my good looks and broad shoulders."

"I am not puny, you're just inhumanely tall," Aera defends herself. She hates being insulted by Seokjin because he knows her weak spots better than anyone else — or so she thought until she meet Jake and he allowed himself to enter her heart and tear everything apart with a few words. "And sure, let's get coffee in three years. I don't want to see your face ever again."

"Come on," Aera can just picture her older brother pouting, "I want to meet Hottie Jake!"

"You never will meet Hottie Jake," Aera scowls, "because we're not talking at the moment."

"Boo! Just go and talk to him. Do it for your brother who you love earnestly."

"No. Bye Seokjin."

"Wait —"

The dial tone sounds and Aera chucks her phone on her pillow, finally looking at the three pairs of eyes digging deep beneath her skin. "That was my brother. He wants to meet Jake."

"Seokjin, the rich dude?" Riki asks.

"Yeah."

"Do you think he could buy whatever company Animal Crossing came from?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"I want to know all the cheat hacks."

Jungwon scoffs. "You're such a loser, Riki."

"At least I'm self-aware, unlike you! Mr-I-Am-In-Love-With-A-Girl-Who-Is-So-Out-Of-My-League."

"At least I have a girlfriend."

Riki turns his attention back to Animal Crossing, "I'm working on it."

◾◾◾◾

Aera ends up at the familiar apartment that's become like a second home to her. Her face was buried into one of the many pillows adding decoration to the couch that was way too comfortable to be called a couch. Riki sat on the floor with Jay laughing loudly as he relentlessly murders Jay on some killing game over and over, and Jay does nothing but pout and does his best to not get killed within the first few minutes.

Jungwon and Sunoo were out on the balcony, Jungwon was watering the plants and Sunoo was taking selfies, and then mumbling to himself over the lighting and wishing for golden hour to get here sooner — Aera checks the time on her phone, there's only five more minutes until golden hour begins so Aera believes Sunoo can hold out a bit longer.

Sunghoon was sitting on the couch beside Aera who had her legs resting over his lap. The now platinum blonde (it kinda looks silver to Aera) boy scrolls through TikTok and laughs at random intervals. It was a comforting environment to be in, one where Aera didn't need to mull over her many worries and fears, and everything that falls in between. (She was especially happy in knowing Jake wasn't around. But that also brought bitter disappointment because in knowing that, Aera also knows Jake is probably with Nicole.)

Kicking her legs up, Aera gains Sunghoon's attention. "Get me a glass of water, Hoon."

Sunghoon pinches Aera's calf and the girl yelps, her legs wildly swinging through the air in hopes of hitting the boy's picture-perfect face. "No. Get it yourself."

"Rock-Paper-Scissors?"

"Fine."

Aera grins and turns around, tucking her feet beneath her and she calls out the familiar tune, her hand creating a fist — rock — and Sunghoon's index and middle finger creating a peace sign — scissors — and Aera cheers happily. "Get me water!"

Sunghoon scowls and pushes himself off the couch, maneuvering around Jay and Riki. Aera grows bored a few seconds later and decides to follow Sunghoon into the kitchen. She knows he'll complain about Aera getting up a few seconds after him, but it'll blow over when they find something to bicker about seconds later.

"You could've gotten it yourself!" Sunghoon grumbles as he pushes the glass over to Aera who takes a seat at the counter with the bar stool everyone has designated as Aera's seat. No one else sits there except for Aera. (That's how far Aera's weaseled herself into their lives).

"I could've, but I didn't." Aera sips the water and smiles when she tastes lemon. Sunghoon must've squeezed lemon into her water after finding out that Aera likes the taste of lemon juice paired with water. "But, thank you."

Sunghoon rolls his eyes, but Aera knows he appreciates her words. He turns to their pantry and stares at the shelves of food before grabbing a Tupperware box of shortbread cookies Jay had made a few weeks back. He pushes the box to sit within reach and Aera helps herself to one after Sunghoon.

Sunghoon clears his throat, "how are you doing, Aera?"

Aera sips her water. "I'm. . Fine? Why do you ask?"

Sunghoon shrugs. "Being friendly. Don't friends ask each other if they're doing well?"

"Well, yeah," Aera says, "but we're not the classic definition of friends, in case you haven't noticed."

Sunghoon grabs another cookie. "You can be honest with me, Aera." His eyes hold a different kind of gentleness Aera's seen in them before — especially with her, Sunghoon's eyes are anything but gentle and reassuring, they're usually alight with flames and annoyance.

Aera's legs swing back and forth as she sinks further into her inner turmoil. "Jake —" Aera's words slip away from her and the pair fall into silence again. Aera finishes her cookie and reaches for another one. Her glass is half-empty.

"He's a dumbass," Sunghoon says, reaching for his third cookie. "The biggest dumbass on planet Earth. Maybe in the universe. He's the biggest dumbass in the universe."

"Are you even allowed to say that about Jake?" Aera asks, her eyes wider than usual.

"Yes. Because even though Jake is my friend, I don't have to agree with all of his life choices. And, you're also my friend and you're hurting more than him." Sunghoon smiles a rare smile at Aera who feels as though she's traveled to an alternate universe.

"I didn't know what I was expecting," Aera says gently, "I mean, we were never clear about our relationship so I don't understand why I'm hurting the way I am when it comes to Jake and Nicole, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder if Jake just. . Lead me on. Knowingly or unknowingly, it all hurts the same."

Sunghoon hums and nods his head which encourages Aera to continue on. All Aera has longed for is to be allowed to talk without interruption and Sunghoon's giving Aera that.

"I think. . . Love is universal, Jay told me that love is different for everyone. For me, I thought love was like a fairytale, perfect with no problems, you find someone you fit with like two puzzle pieces fitting together without any pressure. But, after allowing myself to get walked over, the definition of love became skewered — so, love wasn't just doing what the other wanted of you or from you, love isn't perfect harmony with the other, and love isn't simple. Love is a challenge, love can be uncomfortable at times, but that doesn't mean you don't fit with that person, you know?" Aera adds a shy shrug at the end of her tangent, "love is wild and free, it's imperfect yet perfect, and I think I found that in Jake."

"Love is when you stay up talking until 3 AM," Sunghoon adds on, a faraway look in his eye. "Love is pairing deep talks with light-hearted bickering." Sunghoon grins at Aera knowingly and winks, "love is what you feel when all of our friends hang out."

Aera grins and rolls her eyes. "I think I fell in love with Jake too late."

"Love is never too late, Aera."

Aera smiles wanly, "I think it's best if I try and let go of these feelings. I don't want to ruin Jake's happiness for the sake of my own."

"No," Sunghoon says sharply, "don't let go of those feelings. Hold onto them for as long as you can. Ruin Jake's so-called 'happiness' because he'll be happier with you, Aera."

"Sunghoon, my biggest fear is loving someone now, but falling out of love in the future. I don't want to lose whatever Jake and I have now, in the future. All my relationships have been fleeting — you know this."

"It may seem like that now, but you're wrong," Sunghoon says, a determined look in his eye. "Don't give up. That's the worst thing you could do."

Aera eyes Sunghoon sharply, "why do I feel like you're projecting your past into this conversation?"

Sunghoon rolls his eyes. "I had a girlfriend, once."

"Shocking. Who could put up with you?" Aera exclaims sarcastically.

"Fuck off. I had a girlfriend for a few years. I loved her a lot, and then I got scared."

Sunghoon looks for comfort in Aera and she gives it to him. "I broke up with her because I was scared I would stop loving her in the future. She was the one person I wanted to protect the most and so did what I thought was right at the time — I broke up with her to protect her from inevitable heartbreak in the future."

"Oh, Sunghoon."

"We were becoming two different people, and I got scared. I still love her, Aera," Sunghoon says, his voice sullen, "I don't think I ever stopped. Breaking up with her is the one thing I regret the most. So, don't give up on Jake, Aera, that's the worst thing you could do."

"Okay," Aera says after a few moments of silence. "I won't give up. But that doesn't mean I'll fight for him. I don't think I have a lot of fight left in me, I'm just exhausted at this point."

Sunghoon smiles and reaches out for Aera's hand. Aera notes how soft Sunghoon's palm feels against her own. "That's okay, Aera, as long as you don't give up on your love for Jake."

"WE'RE BACK!" Yena's voice suddenly shouts into the apartment, breaking the peaceful spell that resided over the group of six. Aera and Sunghoon share one last smile and a hand squeeze before normality takes over and they jerk away from each other, both scowling.

"This doesn't mean you can be nice to me," Aera warns as she finishes off the last of her lemon water.

"I think I should be the one telling you that," Sunghoon rolls his eyes as he puts the shortbread cookies back into the pantry, on a shelf Aera definitely can't reach.

Jay's high-pitched shriek cuts through the air and both Sunghoon and Aera dash into the lounge, fearing the worst — like maybe Riki finally gave into his murderous tendencies, but instead they find Jay fist-pumping the air and Riki burying his head into the couch pillow.

"I won!" Jay cheers.

Aera finds herself smiling.

◾◾◾◾

Aera was ready to punch someone. She's never felt this annoyed, this frustrated before in her life. Aera has never felt this ready to get up and provoke someone into throwing the first punch just so she has an excuse to throw one back.

There was so much flooding Aera's brain as she stared at Jake sitting across from her in a busy restaurant, with Nicole by his side. Not even Yena's hand on Aera's knee beneath the table could anchor her to a placid environment.

Aera felt on edge, she felt betrayed in a way. She was told this was only going to involve their friend group, that there is going to be no significant others or outsiders of any kind but Jake had shown up with Nicole and sat across Aera as if he had something to prove.

What was there to prove? That he was happier with Nicole, no matter what Sunghoon has said about Jake being happier with Aera. Or maybe Nicole was everything Aera had tried so hard to be for Jake — or maybe Nicole is everything Aera isn't. Nicole is well-mannered, she is a girly girl through and through, she doesn't have a multitude of relationships pinned to her name that have only lasted a mere two weeks. Nicole isn't the campus slut. Aera was searching for reasons to hate Jake, searching for reasons as to why Jake chose that seat.

Nothing makes sense to Aera and she feels as lost as ever.

Their food arrives and Aera remains silent, only opening her mouth when she takes a bite of her dinner. Yena does all the talking for Aera while staring longingly at Heeseung whenever he talks. Aera feels something bitter spawn in her gut and works its way through her bloodstream the longer she sits across from Jake and listens to him flirt with Nicole way too loudly.

Sunghoon nudges Aera, "enjoying your food?"

"I am," Aera scowls bitterly as she eyes Nicole giggle.

"We didn't know he would bring Nicole," Sunghoon assures Aera for the hundredth time that night. "He's the biggest asshole known to man."

Aera scoffs, "you're wrong. No one can take that title from you."

Sunghoon laughs a bit too loudly and Aera's scowl only deepens at the thought of being Sunghoon's source of entertainment. Glancing back over at Jake and Nicole, Aera finally catches Jake's eyes and everything fades to white. Her breath, along with her heart, stills, and Aera's transported out of her body.

Aera aches to reach out and caress Jake's cheek, then tell him he looks beautiful tonight with a familiar teasing tone. Aera aches to bicker light-heartedly with the boy and steal bites of his food from his plate and sips from his drink. Above all, Aera aches to have her place beside Jake once more.

Aera looks away and everything fades in. The noise, the people, the smell. It overwhelms Aera. She wants the night to be over with. She wants to crawl into her bed, shove her face into her pillow and cry. That's what Aera's nights have amounted to ever since winter break, ever since she saw Jake and Nicole together for the first time.

"Hey, baby," Jake's familiar voice, and the familiar pet name brought Aera out of her head. She gazes at Jake expectant and with hopeful eyes, only to see him looking at Nicole who burns red at the sound of the pet name. Aera looks back down at her plate. Another reminder of what was once hers.

"I told you to stop calling me that, Jakey," Nicole whines all cutely, "pet names embarrass me."

Aera scoffs a bit too loudly and looks up from her plate to find Nicole staring back at her. "What?"

"Do you have a problem?"

"Nope." Aera gives her best pleasant smile and shoves the last of her pasta into her mouth, letting Nicole watch the pasta turn to mush into her mouth. Not Aera's proudest moment, but at least it got Nicole to look away. (Aera wishes she missed the slight smile on Jake's face.)

The night passes and soon Aera's standing outside the restaurant, watching and listening to Nicole whine about having to leave Jake behind. "Can't she leave any quicker?" Yena complains, glued to Heeseung's side, "she's giving me a major headache."

Aera rolls her eyes and Heeseung smiles fondly at Yena's words. "How does Jake even put up with her?" Yena adds bitterly, "she reminds me of nails scraping against a chalkboard."

Aera snorts at that and pulls Sunghoon's coat tighter around her small frame. Nicole leaves seconds later and takes all the tension with her. Jake turns to the group with a smile on his face and they all begin their walk back to the apartment.

A shoulder bumps Aera's. "Hey." It's Jake in all his blond-haired glory.

"Hey."

"How are you?" Jake's grin could easily melt Aera's heart if she let it. If she gave in to her longing. But, Aera feels bitter and betrayed, and mislead. The wall around her heart is strong and will not bend easily.

Aera scoffs in response and sticks her hand into Sunghoon's coat pockets. Tense silence surrounds the pair and Aera makes no move to respond to Jake's inquiry. He doesn't have the right to Aera's friendliness anymore, even if it destroys Aera too.

"Aera, how are you?" Jake tries again, his voice straining.

Aera gives in too easily. "Why do you care, Jake?"

"I'm asking a simple question, Aera, it doesn't require much effort to answer," Jake responds and does his best to lighten the tension between them.

"Whatever." The conversation dies there and Aera searches for a way out.

Jake sighs, "what did I do wrong, Aera?"

Aera's not ready for this conversation. "Nothing, Jake." She needs to deflect it for as long as she possibly can. Aera's not ready to shout her love out because what happens if she has to beg for Jake to love her back? Aera's not ready for disappointment by the one boy she truly believed would never let her down.

"There must be something I did to make you defensive like this," Jake carries on and forgets himself.

Aera also loses herself. "You did a lot of things, Jake," Aera hisses, finally turning her firey eyes onto Jake who flinches away. "First, you brought Nicole to a friend hangout. Why do you feel the need to be with her every second of the day? Are you really going to be her dog?"

"Aera, what the hell?"

"Jake, no one but you likes Nicole."

"Aera —"

"You're a dumbass. You're an asshole Jake. You've never considered my feelings into any of this — ugh, you frustrate me so much. It's so annoying seeing you spend more time with Nicole than with us — than with. . Me."

Aera's chest rises and falls. Her cheeks burn red and her stomach yearns for more angry chaos. Aera steps close to Jake, noticing they had stopped walking, and pokes his chest harshly. "You're a fucking dickhead and I don't deserve to spend my time thinking about you when you probably never even think of me."

"Aera, that's not true," Jake says in a hushed voice. "You're all I ever think about."

Aera groans and tugs at her hair. "You're so confusing, Jake. Why her? Why Nicole? You could've chosen anyone else but you still chose Nicole! What does she have that —" Aera cuts herself off before she reveals too much, before she confesses her feelings and waits for the inevitable rejection Jake will hand to her on a silver platter.

"Aera, is this coat Sunghoon's?" Jake runs his hand along Aera's shoulder, frowning.

"Yeah, he gave it to me a couple of days ago when I got cold — why does it matter?"

"I just —"

Aera shakes her head and steps away, the fire still eating her stomach. "Jake I'm so frustrated right now and it's all because of you. You're a dumbass and you make my head spin." Aera tries to control her quickening breath. "So, please, continue on doing what you're doing — spending more time with Nicole than me. I think it's best for the both of us — since we're too obsessed with each other — to have some space."

"Aera, are you not going to let me have a say in this?" Jake asks, still frowning. "Because you've never taken my feelings into consideration either."

"Stop acting like you had any feelings in the first place." Now Aera was just acting petty, but she enjoyed it as she watched Jake's facial expression harden.

"No. You don't get to say things like that and get away with it. I understand you're frustrated at me, but you don't get to invalidate my feelings."

"You invalidated mine first," Aera seethes, seeing red.

Jake scoffs, "how, Aera?"

"You toyed with my feelings for months only to end up with some bitch!"

"And you didn't toy with my feelings?" Jake retorts, "you still hooked up with other guys while we had our things going on. Don't give me that shit, Aera."

"We were never mutually exclusive, Jake!" Aera all but shrieks, her hands clenching at her side, her heart pounding, and her mind a mess.

"Well there you have it," Jake says, his tone colder than Aera's heard it before, "we were never exclusive so I don't see why my relationship with Nicole is affecting you."

"You told me you were going to ask her out before we had sex, Jake!"

"And you had every opportunity to back out, Aera. To push me away."

"No, I didn't."

"Aera," Jake growls, "don't. It was mutual, don't try to make it seem one-sided — you wanted it the same as me. I would never force you to do anything you don't want to do."

Aera glares back at Jake and then glances away to find their friends looking back at them, worry evident in their stance. And then Sunghoon starts forward, his pace quick. Aera turns back to Jake and notices how angry the boy got. Jake Sim got angry and it was because Aera Kim provoked him. Aera didn't know how to feel about it.

Aera steps closer. Her finger pokes Jake in the chest harshly again as she decides to become self-destructive once more. That's all Aera knows. Aera knows how to be so self-destructive every relationship around her crumbles into nothing. "Fuck you, Jake Sim. I'll be praying for your downfall."

How could a relationship once so happy, and full of laughter, turn into one of nothing but torrential rain and infinite gloominess? How could Aera let the bitterness she had somehow worked up for Jake overtake her entire being? How could Jake, the patient, happy pill, and golden boy turn into a mess of anger and frustration? Nothing makes sense to either of them anymore as they swim deeper into the waters of frustration, fear, and miscommunication.

Aera can't stand it. She can't pretend like she's okay with what they have become, so she steps back from Jake and with one last glance she preserves Jake's figure and turns away, her heart heavy.