6-17-17
Okay guys my addiction to Lil Peep, Bones, and $uicideboy$ is legit almost dangerous I need help 😂 and I have all this freetime and my YouTube suggests the shit and I can't even handle myself lmfao I just LoVE tHeM sO fUckInG MuCh

I've spent the last two days alone in my room watching Brandon Rogers on YouTube and yeah xD I'll go hiking tomorrow. Or something.

I have this crazy desire to spill my guts to Noah but I know it'll probably only push him away. Maybe I'll leave a note bc I'm a pussy. I don't know exactly

6-19-17 it's 2am, I'm snapchatting and eating chocolate frosting fuck it I should be drunk my cat is asleep life is weird

I went for a hike today! I'm gonna work on the fact that my weight is going up a bit, which shouldn't bother me but fuck, it kinda does. I just don't wanna lose control. I guess. Idk.

I have a plan on how to fix shit with Noah, and I'm just gonna do it. If it works, you'll probably hear about it here. But idk what's gonna happen. I'm nervous as fuck. But I know if it doesn't work, I know where I'll go. And I'm trying not to talk like I have blades in my mouth but words are worth so much. And I'd be lying if I said Im not scared. Scared for next year, alone, but less alone than I was, starting this year. Scared to put my trust on the line for Noah and actually fight for him because I know how cold I can be, I know how easy I can lose it. And I'm afraid I don't have much sanity left, like idk. I worry that maybe I never build myself back up, that eventually my life is just gonna keep swinging and hitting these skyscraper highs until I have nothing but ashes and a lighter, so I'll kill myself trying to build back the cities that crashed. Yet I know there's one thing I can count on- myself. Tired of life testing me, yet it only pisses me off to the point I have to make them wrong. I have to be better than I was. I have to do this. Idk.

I'm scared he'll push me the fuck away and I'll lose him for good. And I don't want to fuck anything up.

I'm listening to EDEN and reading poetry on here like i am one with 2015 Meranda xD

Holy fuck this frosting is giving me diabetes and I'm tired but I fucking hate sleeping. I think I'll sleep on the floor today though. I also miss winter help me lmao

Kind of occurred to me today that my life is kinda cool 😎 lmao just kinda reflecting on the type of memories I have and the shit I've done and it's just cool. I've kind of become something I never really aimed to be, but it was a natural thing. Well it's like two pm and imma head over to Noah's later, and the plan may take like a day before it works, and I'm just hoping I don't get caught at his house while I do it. And maybe it won't fix anything. But I really don't give a shit.

Okayy guys 😂 it's 9. And I did it, sometime before six. Lmao I called an Internet friend while I did it bc I was really nervous. Essentially, here's what happened: I rode my bike to town with scotch tape, the envelope with his dad's name on it (boy howdy am I a wreck. Inside was a note explaining shit to his dad, and asking for advice, also leaving my number and then there was a separate note for Noah, ranting my feelings in a dangerously trustful manner? Yeah I'm definitely shooting for death here), water, Chapstick, and I'm wearing chains and my good luck bracelet (it's got jade in it and is legitimately supposed to mean good luck. Funny this is, it hasn't entirely worked all the way aside from not getting pulled over. But idk. I keep my faith around, because I kind of relate to it, in a really stupid way. Like fuck it. I'm bound for bad luck anyways, it can't hurt. I think xD). So I leave my bike at the school and proceed to walk to his house, and see that a couple of the cars aren't there. Which means his dad is still at work or the gym. Soo. Good sign. But I was still afraid that Noah and his homies would be inside (bc he walks out like hey Meranda wtf are you doing here like I have no explanation and the plan is ruined) and I'm just praying that he didn't get to it before his dad bc I don't think he'd read it all. He'd probably burn it halfway through. Anyways. I'm shaking and I get to his weird side door thing and tape it there and casually walk away, proud of my success. So I then I ride over to the gas station, to grab energy drinks for me and my twin bc I'm a cool sister like that. So I get them and I'm still slightly shaking. well I ride home, and the bag breaks halfway, and yeah. Basically, I lost a pencil, and one of the energy drinks broke and leaked all over my hand the whole way home to which I had to show up and tell my sister I really tried but this is why we can't have nice things 😂👌 I'm so fucking great Jesus Christ lmfaooo

I'm still awaiting a call from Noah's dad which sounds.. Weird lol but yeah. Either way, I feel Noah needed to know how I feel about him. Regardless, I just need to be able to know we left it like it was, and I didn't leave shit unsaid. Bc then, I can keep going and move on. Or he'll come back and we'll be stronger than we were.  I feel like this was right. Like I need to know, if there's a chance we can do this over again rn, I'll take it, no doubt. But if there isn't, then we move on and stay as friends and I wanna be there for him no matter what, and fuck knows what the future will bring. I just need to know I can move forward.

God I wish I could montage this school year out, I've made a shit ton of cool memories. Maybe I can try to write it out.

It's pills swimming in my palm, spacing out at a wall, and cuts all up my arms in gym class and then it's in the backseat of a Chevy, that smelled amazing, drunk on wine, the music feeling way too right on a Halloween and I'm smiling while we speed on a dirt road, drifting around the turns. It's potatoes on roofs and kicking pumpkins and shotgunning kisses, getting my white laces dirty in puddles.And afterwards, at a park with Ashley while she got out of her stripper costume and left it underneath the swing. It's countless times drew was over, sneaking out to smoke and her getting caught on that fence. And then it's December and I dyed my hair darker and finals are over, we go and slide on the ice at the river, and fuck around in the snow. Then we show up to the winter formal, the only ones not dressed up, dancing with the only couple of guys who said fuck it and danced with us group of loners (oh yeah and the individually rolled ham slices!! 😂👌). We had to walk home in the freezing cold, because we told my mom I had a ride, and we laughed off the fucking hypothermia and came inside to a warm house, made apple cider, ate tacos and heated my room with my hair dryer. And then it's sneaking out to bring Alex (in my old town) inside while 8 Mile was on, my dad out like a light on PM's and he gave me a beer and we kissed and smoked outside and it was cold but it was nice, and I remember how the streetlights sparkled off the snow, while we just laughed and blasted old school rap. Then February and Wine Night, and how fucking good it felt to be so shitfaced, and I fought a door with crayons and stripped and woke up cold on the floor without a shirt on, smiling to myself bc goddamn that was hilarious. Then it's group chats and starting to talk to paxton, and falling way too hard. He brought the Saint out me, and I'm kind of made of sin. He's taught me so much about sacrifice and morality and I've written so much about him. And then prom, when I was in Drew's moms backseat, telling myself to remember how the fields looked with the rainbows and mist. We went around the side for pictures. And afterwards, we stole a bottle of their apple cider, and went cruising with Kade and mattysen and everybody, playing Congratulations with the subs in their truck, Alex (new town) found out I smoke that night (in my prom dress 😎), and Noah was high off his ass in the frontseat. Me and drew stayed up all night talking about it and I met Alex at the park the next day to fuck around on the court for awhile. It's getting high outside my window while we spilled water on the lawn. And then it's Noah kissing me in my room when we snuck him in while my fairy lights dripped white light and then he kissed me in front of everybody on the bus that Friday, and I hardly could keep my shit together bc goddamn. And then walking home after drinking a shit ton of vodka, not remembering how I got there, but acting straight in front of my mom and then sneaking drew and Noah in, minutes later in broad daylight. He came back later and drunk snapchatted and she threw up on my floor and him and I were on my bed, kissing the fuck out of each other and I told him I loved him. And then it's every cigarette and cigar outside my window, thinking spring is something golden for me. And then it's the art show and paxtons ocean blue eyes and sarcasm and Alex stole my phone again and I was running through the hallways and jubil smiled at me a few times, playing his guitar. Piano music playing in the background where the show was. And before that, I was sitting on a railing and Paxton was talking to Connor in his old beat up truck and I saw him nod and his fingers on the dash from the other side of the parking lot and God I caught his light. And spending a weekend with Ashley, bc she was moving. And then it's more wine, driving around with Noah's sister and shit, blasting XXXTENTACION, kissing Noah, them turning on the cab light and calling me cute. And then I sneak back into my room, and got a few hours of sleep to head to school where I could've checked out early but didn't want to lol and then by the end of the week, was cruising with Kade and mattysen and cannon almost daily (despite how much trouble that was but shhh). And going 90 w smoke in my mouth and wind in my hair, listening to Elastic Heart and feeling limitless in shotgun. And then ellyza in the hospital bc she tried to commit suicide and we were there until 1. And sitting in the parking lot w Kade getting honest about shit and I was smelling a bottle of his cologne and we were sipping a beer. And smoking J's in his basement. And driving around town while it was dark as fuck, and everything looked better like that. Everything looked better hidden from light. And then rumors and Noah breaking up with me and me burning myself with a lighter. And then it's stealing wine (I'm seeing a trend xD why was this so popular) and kicking it with stoners back in my old town. It's watching Helen connect to nature so much, it brought out the parts of me so recklessly in love with earth. It's tripping in a bedroom alone, not afraid of how scary it was, bc I didn't care, and it's confession and it's a note taped to his door, because we seek new views. And yes, nothing's the same, and there are people in these memories that I may never speak to the same again, or at all. And that's fine, that's alright. Bc this is what life is. It's gonna keep going, and I'm ready. Maybe for a second, I love life a little too hard. But do that. Be passionate. If you love it- go chase it.

And on that note. I'm out.

- Randy 🤘