4-1-17

I'm really in need of a good rant and I guess I wanna get everything out because I don't know when it'll be gone.

This spring is different, new, and strange. I'm not even close to where I was a year ago. I don't desire drugs (not even the high. The bad part of it. The withdrawal and the tweaking and the everything. Pain was the real drug I was after. I love the depth of it), although drinking is a thing and I might be putting down cigs for at least a little while for somebody. I'm not sure their reasoning behind disliking it and we've hardly addressed it between him and I, but it's that respect that he's obviously not fucking around. He wouldn't make me drop them but you know. Idk. I also don't feel a purpose to anything, and it's weird. I see myself planning to do great extraordinary things in the future but I'm not doing anything right now to make that happen, and I hate that I could waste away like that when I know what I'm worth and it's not even negative because I'm got time and no worries. I saw the change in my life a year ago with moving and everything and I feared it and I knew it was coming but God it played out so differently than I expected. It's funny. Some part of me is just a little idk about knowing I'll never get back the things I felt a year ago, but I'm holding onto it coming back around, things don't quite leave forever when it comes to me, and I'm still sorting out why. I'll meet those emotions in those measurements and we'll collide again. It's crazy how much I've learned. I have a shot at being a good person towards other people. I can list good characteristics about myself rn and that's weird. I've learned so much from my mistakes, and that's really worth something. My brother, he tells me I shouldn't fuck up like he did (his old house got tore down recently. Funny how things change in my home town. Guess some kids kept breaking in and smoking and shit in there and it was just a fucking wreck. A part of this towns history just sorta fell down), because then his mistakes are worth something. Like why the fuck do you need someone else to get it right so your mistakes mean something? Why can't you do that for yourself? People are flawed and imperfect and we fuck up and we shatter things and we have the power to destroy each other, and unless you can accept the power of that, you're fucking stupid trusting people. Not that I do that. So maybe I shouldn't talk. But it just feels foolish, when I see people putting their world and all of their emotions and their literal everything in the hands of someone else, and then they destruct when that hits the ground.. Anyways. Went off on a tangent. Also, don't you ever reflect on a month and just sort of realize how much you can fit into it? How many emotions and advances and discoveries and conversations and highs and lows and nothing's and experiences and how much life you can just fit into a month? What if we took every day and made something out of it, where would that get you in a year? Progress isn't worth it until you're looking back on it, and I really need to get a better work ethic sometime.

I went to my old house today, and walked across the parking lot of Safeway, and the atmosphere was just right and it was all deja vu and fuck. It's just weird how different it all is. I never could've anticipated this much change. I'm not gonna say I'm at the best I've ever been. I'm not gonna say I'm never gonna change, and I'm not gonna say there's nothing better than right here right now. Work is always to be done. And tbh it's taken me this long just to find my way in the world with the given circumstances. I've really fucking changed and I was telling that to somebody the other weekend when I was in town and they asked why I had changed, but in reality, I just don't have to hide everything. I hide everything, still, I just know how to share in pieces, and keep safe my reputation. I won't be the same, I think I've experienced certain quantities of loss that won't allow me to reverse it. And I wouldn't if I could. I used to worship pain at a temple and I still do, for all of its fucked up dynamics that work like blessings, but I'm smart about it all and I say it like it means something but it really doesn't. Nothing does. But I'm sitting here on a bed that I made out with destany on, and it's April, and I don't have to fear losing anything rn, because I'm gonna live everyday like this, day in and day out, and I'm gonna make bad decisions and I'm gonna waste my time away and I'm gonna watch the world and I'm gonna kick it with people and I'm gonna walk streets and chisel my appearance away in debatably healthy ways and I'm gonna keep improving and keep working at myself because if I haven't done much work wise, I'm the art I can reflect on, and goddamn, we've come a long way.

I guess it's almost inspiring that the years change, that everything changes. Keeps things interesting. Gives a certain hopeful element. You've gotta love and record today for today, you're not gonna get it back too easily, or at all. Things will be different down the road. But keep going.

God I want to write music. I want to film shit. I want to be more independent. I'm hoping to get a job this summer, because it'll drive me up a wall to have too much free time and I said I'd make some money last year but that didn't even end up happening so. And last summer ended shitty and I just fucking hate thinking about it. I hate quite a lot of things I guess haha. It happens.

I really don't want school to end, honestly. It was weird. Prom sort of made me feel slightly closer to these people, mainly because I actually felt like I at least looked like them, I could blend in to the world. And I never imagined having a reason to get up in the morning that didn't float in my head but I've got it and I know The Crew will be different next year and idk where me and that dude I'm into are even going but I'm almost positive he's into it and I'm turning down shit for him. He doesn't know this. We've been getting lowkey flirty lately though and yes I'm probably initiating most of this but idk his depth of experience. Our town is absolute shit and I highly doubt he's had a girl worth keeping come his way and especially not considering what the girls in his class are like compared to what he's like. If it were fall, still, id have fucked it up before it even started. I've got all the time in the world to fuck around though. This kind of commitment is terrifying though, but oh well. I've got options. Always got options.

People for me are weird concepts. Like I hate people and the way they operate yet they fascinate me nonetheless. I want to appreciate emotion the way I used to but things are off. I think it's the Everything Is Pointless thing. Idk. Anyways. And I don't trust hardly anyone, people are snakes. I've learned that, too. But people have very unique dynamics and there's something you can learn and get from everyone you meet. People are the reasons for their downfall as a whole yet if we had pure isolation, we'd go batshit. It's funny how people bring out certain sides of you, too, like aspects of you are drawn to them like magnets.

And how does falling in love work? We don't particularly choose it and what we're into isn't something we just decide to have a preference for. Is it fate? Whatever that even means, because even in fate, some power has to pull you together. Is it an individual thing, that you have to have certain experiences because they'll shape you, and it's something you see along the journey of your life? How can you fall in love based on attraction, making no strings attached into something harder to let go, even when you've done the same thing with other people? What determines love? Why is love a different word for everyone who's seen or hasn't seen it? Does love start at home or does love start at you?

So I'm intellectual, dtf, and in an almost reflective, mainly just kinda spacey mind set and I feel so full of a lot of things. This is a long ass update sorry guys xD

Calcium - Bones
Sorcerer - White Katana
The water fountain nightcore
Thelema - ØF DREAM

^ thanks Internet. I just love that picture so much. Ugh. I should start sharing music and photos with you guys more. I can even give you my Pinterest if you'd like to pm me for that. If anyone else uses Pinterest. And yes, there's a side of it beyond mom recipes and DIY shit 😂 I promise 👌

💩🌌👌😂

- Randayyyy