5-14-17
Just went to see Noah, and it felt right.. It's funny. This guilt still catches in my throat, still makes me drift when I should stay in place, makes my mental state go to people my physical state isn't with. But his family feels like family to me even though I know it won't be mine and I'm scared as fuck to put that kind of trust. Nobody fills that hole, I can't pretend he can do it.

God, I was watching the new CUFBOYS vlog and they looked at Landon and said he was gonna be a legend and his smile was something I just resonated with. And idk. It's crazy. You can do anything, this life is only a oneshot, one take, no editing.

It's weird, it's all hitting me, I feel inspired by the future. Maybe even close to a mania state, thinking about it. They (mania episodes) don't come around often when you turn cold and stop feeling shit, for other people. It's like I'm at this place where my life is moving on and I'm not holding onto the past but it still hurts to let go, but I don't have to. It's just shit that's living with me, you know, and idk. And I think of somebody, a freckled somebody I don't call mine, and I know he'd listen, like the words were supposed to mean something and maybe I threw it away on a drunk promise of what three words mean. Maybe I regret it. Maybe I can't get out, maybe I don't want to. And maybe, he'd wait. He shouldn't learn how I talk with knives in my mouth this early but everyone learns it. Everyone sees it. Just depends who you are and what the circumstance is like. And I can't let him go, if I'm being honest. Tonight with Noah was the first time it felt like it should, I come home and I'm happy I saw him and I want him here more and more. Noah is like a drug, I need it most when I'm running low on it, but I ruin my own high, because my mindset is caught up somewhere else. And I do him dirt. And I don't fix it because I can handle it. I don't give a fuck what it does to me, if it hurts, drives me up a wall, whatever. Because I don't give a fuck about anything lately. Wow. Honesty. But the poem I wrote last night was a representation of me letting go, forcing myself to, and I can't guarantee it'll work. But I've got a few more weeks to look at him, study him, whatever. And then summer is a big mess of "I have no fucking clue what's happening". But I'll see where life goes. I have to focus. I'll spend a lot of time with Noah over summer too and we'll do some cool shit.

It's a lonely road. And it's something you couldn't save me from, because if you could, you should've done it a long time ago. This is who I am, now, pain is a part of me. Highs and lows.

I'm a shit human. News flash lmfao

I think too much, drink too much and everytime I breathe, I think I sink too much. Never enough never enough - lyrics? Rap? Who knows? Not Meranda

Lights be lit

I worked out today guys be proud. Holy shit I should light a candle bc I'm cold xD that'll warm up my room! Wow I'm genius holy Fuck

Anywaaaaayyys I should listen to music and pretend I'm doing my homework and being responsible. So yeah. Dueces. -Randyyy 🤘