Adam's POV

I almost choked when she told me her condition. I swallowed the lump in my throat and let out a heavy sigh.

"Mama". I dragged.

"Don't even. I am not welcoming any contrary opinion from you. It's high time you do the needful. I suppose your father already gave you the hint."  She said in a breath and resumed reading her Qura'n leaving me no choice than to stand up and take my leave. I crouched by her side and gave her a brief kiss on the forehead, said my Tasleem and left.

She whispered an "I love you" quick enough for me to hear before exiting the room.

I got out of the building without biding Hayman goodbye and ordered for a ride.

The rider was close by so it was a very quick pick up. I kept thinking of my mom's word and repeatedly heave heavy sighs.

Is this really happening? Am I completely healed for this? Numerous questions hollering for answers but none gotten.

I guess the time has come and I can't keep up with the hide and seek game. I have no other choice than to obey her wishes.

The drive home was a terribly long,  silent one coupled with a hectic traffic. I knew I would be too weary to cook dinner so I ordered some food instead.

I got home, had my bath, prayed and proceeded to devouring a well spiced chicken. It was savoury.

Dinner was quick and filling, got me burping around the house. I picked up my brown leathered journal as I got comfortable in my couch cause I have so much to pour out of this heavy stale heart of mine.

I flipped the pages to a fresh, blank one and uncap my pen.

"The past few years had been more than crazy. Life happening at unexpected stages, learning coping mechnism to live through some and live with most. If there is something that have stuck with me in those times, it would be the pains and parody of existence that we don't talk about. Life has constantly happened to us. Some heal from it while some of us don't. Remember, it all started with a woman, and yet again, leading to a woman.

I wish I could defy life's supposed rules and follow my heart cause it's heavy, petrified of what the future holds, uncertainty forming swarthy cloud in my vision's path. I wish there was a way out, of all these mess.

I wish there was a way to dodge the future, or move swiftly past it, enough to avoid its calamities. Life is already chaotic enough to look for more. A part of me blames me, another blames my family and the rest on the world.

Dear younger self, I am here again with a little request and a few questions, that I hopefully pray to get answers to and of course the right advice.

Should I take a step forward, or have I had my fair share of the seemingly endless insane loophole? I think I still need some more time to find my bearings and take my healing seriously. Maybe when the necessary steps are put in place and placed right, I could move forward. So have you any advice for me?

Either ways, I pray my heart leads me to something beautiful this time. Thank you though, for accomodating my thorns in your embrace."

I stared at the freshly inked words before closing the brown leathered piece.

I pray my heart leads me to something beautiful this time.

I really can't wrap my head around the insane fact that I am entering another commitment. But it's not as though there's another favourable option on ground.

I left my study room for my room. The dark shade of the green painted part giving it a warm, shady  and natural feel.

I got under my biege coloured duvet and drapped the big fluff over half of my head. I stared blankly at the ceiling thinking of life. I really wish I had someone that understands me. Someone I could unleash my worries to. I hate this heaviness and darkness hanging around my heart. I hate the tick of the hands of the clock, cause I can't stop thinking of the just passed second everytime I hear the ticking sound.

I hate the pain that comes with falling asleep. I hate how those raw, fresh memories invade my mind when I close my eyes. I hate how she haunts me even after she's gone and I wish she didn't have so much effect on me.

How do you unlove a loved one? How do one fall out of love? Why does the past hurt so much, why does the present feel stuck, why does the future look scary?

Just as I was mentally asking those questions, I jerked off the bed, and threw my duvet to a side. I fell off the bed in the process and whimpered. It's one of those nights again.

I hollered holding my throbbing head. My vest was soaked in no time. I started panicking and managed to crawl to the table opposite my room couch. Each crawl worsened the pain, making me grunt.

I reached the table and yanked it open. I sat there horrifed. My panick increased and I went into major crises. I got violent and turned the whole room while screaming violently.

I continued like that for some time before I clumsily hit my head on the closet wall. I staggered back and forth, holding my bloody head. The only thing I remembered seeing was a splash of blood on the white area of the wall before passing out on the cold, tiled floor.

Here we go again..

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