Chapter Sixteen:
Michael's Journal

I waited impatiently for Michael. The nurse told me that he agreed to come here and talk to me. Now, I was waiting for him, impatiently and anxiously.

And nervously.

And about fifty other emotion-ly's.

And when I finally saw the red curly hair that I had come to always associate with my boyfriend, I literally jumped up and ran to him. He caught me and gripped onto me as I hugged him, tears coming to my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Mi-cool. I'm so sorry," I cried, pressing my head into his chest and inhaling deeply as he held me. Good, he still smelled the same.

"Gav, people are starting to stare," He whispered.

When I pulled away I noticed about six people staring at us and a few others discreetly eyeing us. I felt my anxiety begin to rise as I let Michael take us over to a table.

"Okay, so you're sorry," Michael said.

"Yeah... I... I overreacted. It's just... I'm so scared, Michael. I feel trapped. And when you went behind my back to lock me away here... I felt betrayed," I told him, looking down.

"And, I can understand that. I couldn't even begin to imagine the type of betrayal you felt. But... I have to ask. Why are you so scared?" He asked me.

I paused and looked at him for a moment. I took in every perfect detail of his face, as if I'd never see it again. He would never understand the type of pain I suffered everyday... And explaining it only made it worse.

"I can't explain it... I just feel so alone and trapped. There's no way out for me at this point," I told him.

"Gavin, yes there is. Getting better is your way out. If you just worked at it and developed coping skills, you'd be out of here as quickly as you came in. I can promise you that," Michael told me, reaching over and squeezing my hand lightly.

"It's harder than it looks," I muttered grudgingly, wondering if Michael actually thought I could snap out of it.

"I know, but nobody said it was gonna be easy. Gavin, you are so strong. I know you are. Maybe you aren't physically, but mentally and emotionally, you're stronger than me, and Geoff, even Ryan. Hell, all the guys put together. Please... I know you can do it. I don't want to lose you, Gav," Michael told me.

I processed his words for a moment, taking in every tiny detail. I'm strong, mentally and emotionally. Even though I usually don't believe it... I am strong. Michael has faith in me and he doesn't want to lose me. He's probably the first person who's ever actually said that and meant it.

I slowly nodded my head and looked up at him, tears slowly going away. Michael smiled and stood up, coming around and hugging me as tightly as he could. I hugged back, clutching him like I would a pillow after a nightmare. I didn't want to let him go, because once I let him go, I'd have to go back to my demons.

"Don't let go," I whispered to him. Michael sighed and squeezed me a little tighter before loosening his grip and pulling back slightly, arms still hanging loosely around my waist.

"Please get better, Gavin. I believe you can do it," Michael pleaded with me, pressing his forehead against mine.

He then pressed his lips against mine and my eyes fluttered shut as I relinquished the moment. How long had it been since I'd gotten a kiss from Michael anyway? Too long.

Once the moment was over he pulled away and stroked my cheek before grabbing his backpack again.

However instead of leaving, he pulled something out of it and handed it to me.

Another journal?

I was about to question him about it but he simply walked away without another word. An emotion I hadn't felt in a long time surfaced into my mind.

Curiosity.

As I walked back to my room with the nurse, I was anxiously anticipating to see what was inside the journal. I already had mine, so this obviously was a different one.

I began to think of the possibilities of what it might be. Maybe it was just a new one that Michael got me just in case I finished the other one. That idea surprisingly disappointed me as I realized there wouldn't be any excitement in that. Excitement... wouldn't it be great to feel that again.

Once I was back at the room, I immediately walked over to my bed and sat on it, crossing my legs over each other. I took a deep breath before opening the journal.

It wasn't empty.

I felt a burst course through me as I realized this. Excitement... I forgot how much I liked this feeling.

June 1st, 2015

So, since Gavin has began writing a journal, I have decided to do the same. Not for my own depressing thoughts (but believe me I've had my fair share), but so I can keep track of how he's been recovering. I hope that I'll be able to give this to him someday, when he's recovered, and he'll be able to see the progress he made and perhaps even realize that he's a lot stronger than he looks.
Lately he has been making a lot of progress. Geoff, Griffon, and the other's couldn't be prouder of him. But, honestly, I think I'm the proudest. I don't know what it's like to fall that hard and that deep into depression, and I hope I'll never have to know, but from the looks of it, it's hard to get back out after falling. And to think he was mere minutes away from committing suicide last month and now he's smiling and laughing like he doesn't have a care in the world.
Of course, he's not fully recovered yet, and he probably won't be for a long time to come, but the progress he's made is phenomenal in my eyes.
Well, I guess we'll see where this goes.

I smiled slightly at that entry. He was proud of me. Along with the others.

But that wasn't what got me the most. Of course, it did bring a whole new wave of relief to me to think that he was proud and not disappointed like I thought he was back then. But what got me the most was that Michael would actually take the time to write down my progress, just so I could have something to look at in the future. It was so incredibly sweet that I felt like I needed to see him and hug him again just so I could say thank you to him.

I continued reading the entry's. I didn't want to read them all at once but at the same time I really wanted to know what he had to say about my progress and downfalls.

And just as I figured, he had a lot to say. About how worried he was and how he feared for my life. Even after the car accident, he was still writing about how worried he was. How some nights he would stay up way past midnight just so he could watch over me and make sure I didn't have nightmares. How he would always read the comments on the YouTube videos we made to make sure I didn't get hurt by any of them when I went through and read them.

He did so much behind the scenes to make sure I was feeling mentally stable and happy. Even though most of the time I wasn't, he still tried so hard everyday to make me smile and laugh. He even began keeping track of how many times I did per day to see if the number was going up or down.

He did everything for me.

Once I made it to the last entry, I braced myself before reading it. I had already spent most of my day reading it, even skipping my group therapy to keep reading it. I felt like I was about to finish the worlds best book.

September 19th, 2015

I saw Gavin today.
He isn't doing so great, not that I'd expect him to be.
I can tell his anxiety is bad when he's around other people. The way he tried to make himself as tiny as possible when other people looked at him, it was heartbreaking.
We also got into an argument. He just can't seem to understand that he needs to be somewhere where he can recover peacefully. The world can be a very cruel place and it isn't a place that is safe for someone trying to recover from depression.
I miss him. I really do. I wish I could just flip a switch and have him get better. Gavin deserves to be happy more than anyone. He's struggled for so long in his life.
I'm thinking about giving this journal to him soon. I know I only wrote in half of it but I feel like he needs a pick me up at the hospital. At least then he can see that it is possible to get better.
So, Gavin, if you're reading this now. I have a few things to say to you;
Please get better. I know it probably seems impossible but it isn't. You've seen throughout this journal that it isn't impossible. You've gotten better slowly and then had a relapse, which is completely fine. I just want to see the real, genuinely happy, Gavin Free because apparently I've never met him.
I really care about you Gavin, and the other guys do too. We all love you and we don't want to hear that you've succeeded in killing yourself anytime soon (or ever).
Lastly, I hope this'll be a kind of motivation to get better because I really just... I just want you to get better. When you get out of the hospital, I have something important to tell you. I'm not saying anything other than that.
Please get better, Gavin.

Once I finished the last entry I looked down at Michael's signature, the way he ended every entry. For some reason, I felt a type of remorse for reading the last entry. I tried to figure out a reason for why I felt this way and I realized with a jolt what it was.

Something wasn't right about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, interesting little twist for you guys. Also, this story is about to get good (and this time I promise).
So, since it's about to get good, that means the climax is about to happen which also means the book is quickly coming to a close. I was really reluctant to write this chapter since I knew I'd be another step closer to finishing the book.
However, I have a question for you guys.
I have an idea for a 3rd book, but it'd be going in a completely different direction that the past two books have gone in. It'll still be dealing with depression and stuff however I'll be introducing a new character as the main protagonist of the story. But don't worry! I'll still have Gavin's POV if I do make the 3rd book.
If you guys would like to know more about it, please comment and ask. I'll be more than happy to explain it a bit further.
Thank you for reading and please let me know what you thought.