Chapter Nine:
Real Me

Two weeks since Michael's awakening have proven to be tiring and stressful.

I was released from the hospital a week before Michael was. Geoff didn't trust me staying in the apartment by myself so he had Rosie stay with me until Michael came home.

Slowly, I began to warm up to Rosie. She told me stories of her depression and how she overcame it. It was amazing the things that she had to go through, and how she actually eventually pulled out of it. She explained to me that I just have to start working toward it, getting there step by step.

Eventually, our conversation took a different road.

"Hey, Gavin. You'd consider yourself a role model... Right?" Rosie asked me one night. I paused the game I was playing and looked at her.

"What do you mean?" I asked her back.

"Like... Do you think people look up to you?" She asked me. I stopped to think for a moment.

"Well... I guess some people do. But I wouldn't consider myself a role model. That makes me sound narcissistic and cocky," I muttered, unpausing the game.

"What if I proposed an idea. You can decline it of course, it's just an idea. But, what if you came out to the viewers about your depression and... Maybe even your relationship with Michael. Then we can show some of the people out there that are also struggling with depression that it's possible to overcome it," She suggested.

I thought about it for a moment. It wasn't a bad idea at a first glance. In fact, it was quite a noble thing to do. However, once I started thinking about it, I began poking holes in it, realizing all the things that could go wrong. Like, what if overcoming it became too much of a struggle and I couldn't do it? Then what would happen to the people that looked up to me?

"I don't know..." I mumbled quietly.

"You don't have to make a decision now. Just think about it though," Rosie told me, getting up to finish making our dinner.

...

A few nights after that conversation, Michael came home. He was obviously incredibly tired and he didn't do much all day. I mean, I didn't blame him one bit. I was just glad to have him back.

Michael was incredibly awkward when it came to romance. Slowly, but surely he got used to it, trying his best to be the hopeless romantic he had always been.

However, I couldn't help but feel like I was hanging around a different Michael. This Michael didn't know the things he helped me get through. And... This Michael didn't love me as much as the other Michael did.

I should really stop this... It's starting to give me a headache.

One night, as we were laying in his bed, Michael was having trouble falling asleep. I stayed up with him, despite my exhaustion gnawing away at every last bit of energy I had.

"Gavin, how did you know you loved me?" Michael asked me. He was comfortably staring up at the ceiling, hands clasped across his stomach. I was facing him on my side, trying my best to keep my eyes open.

"Well, I always loved you. Since the day I first met you," I told him drowsily.

"Will you always love me?" Michael continued.

"Yes, Mi-cool. I will always love you," I whispered, closing my eyes slightly.

"Gavin... Do you... Do you think of me as like... I don't know, a different person?" Michael asked me.

I slowly blinked open my eyes and stared at him gently. I sat up slightly, rubbing my eyes in an attempt to wake myself some more.

"Why do you say that?" I asked him.

"Well, what was I like before the coma?" He asked me. I took a moment to think.

"Well, you were very noble. And you constantly looked out for me and made sure my wellbeing was okay before yours. You took care of me. You were basically like my parents and my boyfriend in one," I told him, lovingly.

"I wish I could remember all the things that happened in those two months. Like... They were obviously the most eventful in my life," Michael said, smiling and looking back at me.

"Yeah. But I'm sure you'll remember in good time," I reminded him. Michael nodded and closed his eyes for a moment.

"Hey, Michael. Can I ask you something?" I asked him. Michael nodded, not opening his eyes.

"Do you think I should tell the viewers about my depression?" I asked him.

"Why would you do that?" He asked me, blinking open his eyes and giving me a confused look.

"So, I could be like a role model to the viewers who may be struggling with depression," I told him. Michael closed his eyes again and thought for a moment. Eventually he reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing it.

"I think you should. The viewers could finally see the real you and the ones struggling with depression could use you as a safety blanket of some sort," Michael told me, without opening his eyes. I smiled and thanked him gently, pressing my lips against his quickly before curling up next to him.

By tomorrow, the world would know the real me.

...

"Go ahead, Gav," Geoff told me from behind the camera.

"Hello everyone! As you can see, I'm not in a hospital anymore! However, I still have casts and stuff on me so... Whatever. Anyway, this video is going to be a little different. I wouldn't classify it as being an RT Life or an AHWU. I guess I'd classify it as an announcement, one that some of you are gonna take harder than others," I started.

"No, I'm not leaving Achievement Hunter, or RoosterTeeth for that matter. I'm actually telling you guys a little story," I continued. Geoff nodded in approval, urging me to continue.

I took a deep breath and thought over everything that I was about to confess. I squeezed my eyes shut and blinked them open, looking at the guys for a moment, of which they were giving me approving and encouraging looks. Eventually, my eyes wandered to Michael's and he also gave me an encouraging look, urging me to go on.

"So, I've told you guys countless stories. And usually they're pretty stupid and funny. However, this story is... Very depressing and unfortunately it is also very true," I continued, still staring into Michael's eyes.

"So... I'm sure this may be a shock to some of you but... I have depression. And I've had it for a while now," I confessed.

"I can't even tell you guys how many times I had to fake my happiness in videos. Whenever I was around the guys, I had to fake my happiness. Basically, most of life, up to about two months ago was fake," I explained further.

"Remember when I was absent from all those videos? I don't know what excuse the guys gave you but I had been in a coma after my second suicide attempt. Geoff had found me trying to drown myself and he took me to the hospital where I ended up staying for a little while," I continued.

"However, my depression goes even farther back than that. If I was being honest, I'd say it started when I was thirteen or fourteen. That was when I really struggled with my sexuality and when my father started to harass me. I was bullied a lot in school which eventually resulted in the first cuts I got on my arms. After the cuts, I resorted to trying to hang myself in my room until my brother walked in on me trying to do so," I explained further. I lifted my arms up gently, revealing the scars on my arm.

"That continued all the way through school and even into college. When I decided to leave England for good, my mother and father basically rejected me completely and Dan and I decided to end our friendship. My brother and I haven't talked since then since my parents probably don't allow him such luxuries as that," I told them. "Or... They probably consider that a punishment now."

"Anyway, I've began to try and pull through my depression. I never really realized how difficult it would be. I still have my constant feelings of hopelessness and sadness and most days I have no motivation to actually get up and do something. However, I will say that even if I don't feel it yet, I do know I'm getting closer to overcoming it," I breathed in, thinking about what more I had to say.

"So, if there's anyone out there that is struggling with depression... I know what you're going through. It sucks, I know but... If I can have the courage to get through it, then you guys sure as hell can too. It just takes a tiny step and the will to get better, which you have in you even if you don't think you do," I said, letting a tiny smile spread across my face.

"One last part. I'm sure most of you who are watching this video have heard of Mavin at least once. Well, Mavin is actually official now since Michael and I have been dating for about two months," I said, smirking at the camera and at Michael.

"Anyway, I hope you didn't mind this video. I just felt it was time to let you know about this," I finished. I smiled slightly at the camera and Geoff shut it off.

The guys walked over to me and smiled, patting my back gently. They said nice, encouraging words, telling me the fans would appreciate knowing the truth.

My eyes locked with Michael's again as he smiled at me. He was propped up on crutches between Jack and Ray. I smiled back at him, feeling my heart begin to race faster.

I can do this... I can get through this.
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So, I apologize if this chapter wasn't too exciting. I'm kinda trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of the story. If you guys have any suggestions, please let me know. It'll be greatly appreciated.
Please let me know how I'm doing and what you think. I love to get feedback and it turns my day around when I see someone comments on a chapter.
Thanks for reading!