Being nervous wasn't something you were trained for as a knight. How to be brave, yes. How to murder people, sadly most definitely, yes. How to protect, how to serve, sure.
But to be nervous? That was a trait you were naturally required to have to become a knight.
A knight who wasn't nervous, wasn't careful.
A knight who wasn't nervous was rash instead.

Leon prided himself with his ability to cancel out most of his nervousness. That was how he had survived this long.
He had grown up in Camelot under Uther's reign. And he remembered – let's say most of it.
He barely remembered how times were before the purge. As he had been maybe five when it began.
But he remembered the wonder his parents had held for magic before things changed.
He remembered how his own views shifted, when Uther declared it evil. And how it changed again, when Merlin killed the king against his own will.

The memory was blurry, as it was for almost everyone. But Leon remembered it had been a council meeting. He remembered a goblet and Merlin speaking of poison.
And he saw someone being insistent that it wasn't. Something happened and then Merlin was forced to drink from it.
After that he lost control of his magic. It was so obvious that whatever the goblet contained was what had Merlin under his grasp. But to this day they didn't know exactly what had been in it.
It must have been enchanted.
Then again – that day – no sorcerer had been present. Apart from Merlin, of course.

Leon sighed. No really. Not even the one who called himself king today.
The man who was sitting on the throne now was the one who enchanted the goblet - that much was true. But he was hardly the man in control of the kingdom.
That man was another. The one who held the strings over the kingdom – the man who demanded wars and kept killing innocent people. Regardless of magic for once -
Was the royal advisor.
Not that it was a surprise, really. Often, kings were deluded in their actions. Manipulated by snakes and rats who invaded the Castle's like pests.

That was why Leon was still here. Mordred was king. And he was a sorcerer. He was young. He made many mistakes. Rash and uninformed ones. He used Merlin for decisions he made based on falsely placed advice from Agravaine. Because of course it was Agravaine. Who knew the kingdom and it's rulers better than Agravaine? Who was practically raised to usurp a king, since he was never meant to inherit a throne?

Leon had to keep as many people safe as possible. He needed to give the king reasonable advice to counter the toxic input Agravaine had to give.
It helped to have Merlin on his side. As the former court physician apprentice had a way to get to the king. Try and balance him out. Merlin knew things most people didn't. And Merlin did his best to help Mordred in any way he could. Mordred's trust in him was devided. Which is why he made Merlin unable to lie to him.

Merlin still helped him. Because they were kin. And Merlin understood his struggles. Merlin was too empathetic for his own good.
It was difficult to support him, especially on Merlin himself. As he tried to help the very man who took his freedom away. And who ordered him to kill against his nature.

Leon and Merlin had managed to evade some wars that Agravaine was trying to plant. But they had lost many other verbal battles.

Another factor that made Leon's life so much more difficult – was the only person Agravaine trusted. And that person was the most difficult of them all, because Mordred loved her.
Kara was the poison to Merlin's antidote. She was the dagger to his shield.

She was even more dangerous than Agravaine himself. Because she reached Mordred were no one else could. At his heart.
Agravaine had made the plans to overthrow Uther Pendragon. But it was Kara who convinced Mordred to do it.

Merlin and Leon both hardly slept anymore. Merlin kept having nightmares of people dying because of him. More than just him killing them. No – it was more than that.
Merlin kept thinking he had abandoned his people. Camelot. The king.
Though it was still a mystery to Leon how Merlin ever came to protect Uther in the first place.

Leon had been ordered to keep an eye on Merlin and make sure the king knew when something was up.
Right now – Leon was about to lie to the king. And not only that – he had to do it alone.
He had to fight the wars against Agravaine and Kara all by himself. It was a risk. Only to get Merlin away from here. They didn't even have a plan to get Merlin ready to fight Mordred.
No, far from it.
Getting Merlin away from here was throwing away the kingdom's most powerful weapon.
Leon knew it would be a pain to explain all this.
And he knew their little lie was far from flawless. At the very least – Leon should have accompanied them. To make the lie more realistic.
Since it was Leon's job to look after the runaway sorcerer.

But Leon couldn't leave the kingdom unprotected. He couldn't leave Mordred to Kara's and Agravaine's manipulative ways.

"Sir Leon.", Mordred nodded as he saw his first knight hesitantly approaching.
"Welcome back." The man smiled. But Mordred's smiles, though genuine, never failed to make Leon shiver in his position.
He was the first knight. And yet he was completely powerless.
Well – not completely.

Agravaine already stood next to Mordred, sorting through the reports Leon had send to Mordred.
Leon bit his lip. To convince Mordred of their little lie was one thing.
To convince Agravaine – that was on a completely different level.

"I see your mission has been fruitful. You have found a lead to find prince Arthur?", Agravaine asked. But his frown was tilted in doubt.
Leon swallowed. This was the moment he had dreaded.

"Yes, my lord. We believe he might be on the run. Emrys and I have discussed it would make the most sense for him to chase after the lead. Since he is the only one equipped enough to find him. Of course, if you decide this choice unwise, we will send a letter to him to make him return immediately.
We just feared we may loose our lead, if we left no one behind."

Agravaine grumbled displeased, while Mordred's eyes lit up a bit.

These rumors about this boy were so far fetched. And varied so much – it was hard to keep track of all of them. Some said he was the one who killed the king. Some said he made Emrys do it. Others said Emrys was his friend and made the choice for him.
Again others said he wasn't involved at all. Other said he himself was Arthur in disguise. The last one made absolutely no sense, but the conspiracy about it was quite popular.

"How long do you think he will need?", Mordred asked. "I'm sure he'll come back soon?"
Mordred had taken a strange liking to Merlin. To Leon's irritation, Kara's disappointment and Agravaine's annoyance.
The other way around was much different. Then again – who would blame Merlin for it, right?

Leon inhaled a deep breath. "According to how vague the lead is – well. I believe it will take a while."

Agravaine shook his head, as Mordred's head sunk into himself. Like a turtle, Leon thought.
"My lord, I am sure he will soon find out how pointless the lead is. As Arthur Pendragon never existed."

Leon sighed again. Leon hoped that was wrong. He really hoped the man they had found was really Arthur Pendragon. And as soon as he regained his memories he would find a way to get back to Camelot and become a decent king.
And he liked that Agravaine didn't feel threatened by the prince. Because Agravaine was Ygraine's brother and therefore had been in Camelot for a very long time. If he didn't feel threatened, that meant Arthur might actually have a chance to come back and safe them all.
Then again - If anyone should know if Arthur existed at all, it was Agravaine. And that was exactly what worried Leon. Because Agravaine claimed he knew nothing of him.

Mordred sighed. "Are you at this again? We have found the birth certificate between Uther's things. We have portraits that claim his existence -"
"Yes. And he looks far too pretty on each and every single one of them.", Agravaine rolled his eyes.
Leon frowned. Those portraits had been burned. All of them. So no man could come and claim to be the king's son simply by comparing his looks with the painted versions of the prince.
"Still!", Mordred exclaimed. "We have reason to believe he exists. And I will not rest until we are sure he doesn't!"

"Spoken like a wise king.", a woman said, as she entered the throne room. The guards watching repositioned their lance's to make themselves look stronger.
Kara preferred strong leadership above everyone else. Leon was fairly certain the only reason she was here was because she wanted to be queen.
He doubted her loyalty to Mordred was ever strong enough for her words to be genuine.

She sat down on Mordred's lap, like she belonged there. And maybe she did. Yet, Leon found her antics respectless and daunting.

"I know my sister. And I remember clearly how she and Uther spoke of the fact that she could not receive a child. And if this Arthur is not the son of Uther and Ygraine – then I assure you his claims to the throne are as much as invalid. An illegitimate child has as much claim to the throne as any royal. Or the Druid king.", Agravaine send Mordred a smile that the man himself must think assuring and kind.
Leon was reminded of a frog who opened his mouth to devour a cricket. And called it a smile.

Mordred sighed and kissed Kara on her cheek.
"Yes yes. I know I know. Still. We need to be certain. I will give Emrys a month. Not a day longer, understood!"

Leon nodded and bowed. A month. That was longer than what he had expected Merlin to get. And yet far less than what they needed. But right now his opponents outnumbered him.
He had a month to figure out how to outsmart them.
"Yes. Thank you, Sire. I will send word to him as soon as I am able."

"Thank you Sir Leon. If there is anything he needs, please inform me immediately."

"Yes, Sire.", Leon bowed again.
What they really needed was an ally. Or rather yet – a miracle.

-------------------------------------

Once again, Merlin was awfully quiet. Shame was written all over his face. As well as regret and self hatred and all that negative junk that didn't help them at all.
They had made camp at the border of whatever was Morgana's land and whatever came after.
Arthur was bad with orientation. Not that he would ever admit it out loud.
Just minutes ago the last letter of letter day had arrived and they reached word fromCamelot how much time they had to flee. The letter was brought by a magical pidgeon. It held the royal seal and Merlin's alternate name in fine cursive letters. Leon's handwriting.
How Arthur knew it was Leon's handwriting – he wasn't sure.

A month. They had a whole month. And Leon was working on getting them even more time.
The real question was – where would they go?
Could they even risk staying at the same place for more than a week?
Could they find save haven in Camelot or would they have to cross the border?
Was it wise to visit Merlin's mother or was that a risk they couldn't take. Since that would be the first place for Camelot knights to search as soon as the first month was over.

"Maybe I should go back to Camelot.", Merlin finally said. "Tell them I found nothing."

Arthur shook his head. This was ridiculous.
"You can't lie to the king, remember?", Arthur rolled his eyes. He was picking at the fish they were roasting over the fire. Even though Arthur was pretty sure that thing was hardly edible.
But Merlin had insisted it would be tasty.

"Maybe lying will be reason enough for them to banish me."
"Or get you killed."
"They can't kill me. I'm immortal, remember?"
"What if they order you to die?"

Merlin actually snorted at that. Yeah – loopholes in magical contracts. How did those work?
Would Merlin just – drop dead at the order? Would he try stabbing himself for the rest of eternity, failing each time?
Would he find ways to kill himself? It was all so goddamn vague.

Merlin shook his head without an answer. But there was a smile playing on his lips.
Arthur sighed in relief. At least Merlin wasn't completely determined to get himself killed yet. That was good. That was a very good sign.

"What do you usually do to cheer yourself up?", Arthur finally asked. Because he was at a serious loss for words. Then he remembered what they were actually supposed to be doing and reworded his question.
"If you had a choice to go wherever you want – where would you go?"

"Home.", Merlin didn't even miss a beat as he said that.
Arthur sighed. "Do you think visiting your mother was such a -"

"I meant Camelot.", Merlin said slowly. Arthur blinked. "You want to go to Camelot? NOW?"

Merlin's head snapped back at him. "What? NO! Of course not! Just -", he sighed.
"Before all this happened -", he threw up his arms, but somehow Arthur knew he was speaking of before Uther's death.
"Camelot had been my home. I want THAT back."

Arthur contemplated for a second, before he answered. "I asked where you want to go. Not when.", he reminded him. Though it had him wondering. Because Merlin had been hiding who he was back then. Who would want to go back to a time where they couldn't even be themselves?

Merlin looked at him sadly. "I would like to .... go to live somewhere at a lake. With mountains and flowers and farms. Where things are peaceful. No bandits. No kings. No knights. No orders. Just a simple farm life. It's what Freya and I had planned before she died."

Arthur saw the tears forming in Merlin's eyes. "Was she your girlfriend?", he asked and felt a pang of empathy in his chest.
"Yes.", Merlin nodded. "She was cursed.", he said and then frowned painfully.

"How did she die?" Arthur didn't ask about the curse. Frankly speaking – most people in this world were cursed. And Arthur didn't want to dwell on unimportant things.

Merlin stared into the fire – realization hitting him full force. "She – she was killed. By a knight. I think.", he said.
"You think? What did he look like?"
"I don't remember.", Merlin whispered. And it wasn't a – 'I wasn't there when she died'. It wasn't a – 'someone told me' kind of 'I don't remember.' It was the same kind he had used to admit that he didn't remember why he betrayed Morgana.

Arthur felt even worse now. Merlin's fate seemed to be getting worse and worse with every day they shared.
Merlin deserved better than this. Much – much better. He deserved to live the peaceful life that he wanted. He deserved to find happiness.
Arthur knew, if he could – he would do almost anything to give him that.

"Then let's go and find a place like that."
'Brieldier had been a place like that.', Arthur frowned. He remembered the lake he had visited Merlin and Leon all those days ago.
That was the lake of Avalon. It was the most beautiful lake he knew of. He would love to live there again. But turning back now was a stupid idea, now was it?

Or -

"Say, Merlin. What did you think of the lake back in Brieldier?"
It had mountains. It had fields. Wild flowers. All the kinds that Merlin seemed to love.

Merlin smiled. "We can't go back there.", Merlin said.

"No. No, you're right. I know.", Arthur said slowly. "But the lake is quite large. It reaches all the way to Kinden. It's a village close to the border of Essetir.
It's still in Camelot, and it's the exact oppisite side of the lake. You could walk for a day and you'd already be in Ealdor. Where your mother lives. We would both be close to home AND we'd be living at a lake!"

Merlin's eyes widened in curiosity. Arthur didn't need to know him to see that the idea struck a chord with him.
"Also – neither of us has literally any obvious reason to choose that village. It would be hard for the knights to find us. Not to mention that the people there are only farmers. They barely trade anything. They just do their taxes and that's all they do.
We could live in the forest at the lake. ...."
The more Arthur talked about it – the more interesting his idea sounded to him. And he could see Merlin's eyes lightening up as Arthur made plans.
Plans of living together in peace and silence. Just the two of them on the run. Hidden behind trees in small huts. Fishing and farming and just be free.

"I would love that.", Merlin finally said with a smile so bright it made Arthur's insides feel warm and giddy with excitement.

The ride to Kinden would take at least two more days. But Arthur didn't care. He knew Merlin didn't either.

What he did care about though – was the way he just felt. Giddy. Happy. Like a child.
Alive. And content with what little options they had. In fact – it didn't really matter what they were about to do.
Which was odd. Because the reason he had left Lancelot and Gwen was – that he felt wrong there. Like what he did didn't even matter.
He felt incomplete and useless. And not at all like he was himself.
It was this – this one blissful moment that made him realize just how content he was now compared to a week ago.
He hadn't done more than before. He hadn't even found himself yet. He didn't even have a home at all. Nothing had really changed....
But he felt like he existed.

Like – how could he explain that feeling to anyone?
In the grand scheme that was the world he never really mattered at all. He didn't with his landlady, he didn't now.
With Merlin – with that smile – suddenly it was the other way around. The grand scheme of the world didn't matter to him.
It was such a small moment. Such a simple gesture – and yet Arthur felt like his world was beginning to spin.
This time in the right direction.

-------------------------------------------

"Can't you just – magic the house to build itself?", Arthur asked and huffed as he tried to load the carriage with lots and lots of stones.
Merlin was helping him as much as he could. With his fragile posture, his lack of sleep and his awful habit of starving himself rather than eat the animals Arthur hunted, it wasn't all that much.
"Maybe. But it would be less fun.", Merlin retorted and actually used magic to do his fair share of work.

"Really.", Arthur huffed. They had made it to Kinden after three more days. Merlin had insisted not to rush their travel. And they even managed to evade the bandits that Arthur was sure they would encounter.
Not that they needed to be afraid. Merlin just needed to glare at people to make them go away.
Though, admittedly, Arthur tended to forget about that part.
"And what is fun about working?"

Merlin laughed. "Aren't you a farmer? You sound like a real prat."
He shook his head. Arthur rolled his eyes.
The sounds around them faded, the colors blurred. Arthur took a hissing breath and he heard Merlin do the same.
A sharp pain, which they tried to breathe through. And then an image. Arthur wearing chain mail.
A maze over his head as he attacked Merlin. But both of them were smiling, grinning, teasing.
Merlin in servants clothes. That red scarf around his neck. But of much worse quality then the one he wore now. (The new one had golden threads stitched into it.)

It was just an image. Less than a conversation. They both shook their heads, trying to shake off that awful pain in their heads.
"I'll correct myself.", Merlin finally said – but there was no regret in his voice. No apology. Just simple malice and teasing fun.
"You are a royal one."

Arthur laughed at that. "Oh yeah?", he said, but hardly needed to insult Merlin, as he already grabbed the nearest object and actually threw it at him.
Which happened to be his bag with their food.

"Thanks for proving my point!", Merlin dodged, and the bag flew somewhere into the near grass.
Random villagers watched them, as they walked by. Some of them whom Arthur recognized from the tavern they stayed in until their house was built.
Merlin had quite a lot of money for a servant. Which he used to pay their stay with. Then again – he was not a servant anymore.
Few faces had recognized him. But those who did had decided to keep quiet and wisely refused to approach them.

Not that they COULD do anything anyway.

They shared a room. With two beds. Usually they would have gotten separate rooms, but Merlin wanted to spend as little money as possible. And he didn't want to risk Arthur being kidnapped for hanging out with the shadow or something.
Merlin was a strange one. Like a guard dog. Then again – Arthur too – wanted to make sure Merlin was safe.
He slept with his sword next to his bed. Which felt kind of natural to him. Now with that new image in his head – he believed he knew why.
Had he truly been a knight? That would explain how he had managed to overwhelm Sir Gareth.
Speaking of which – hopefully the man made it back to Morgana safely.

"Next time I'll throw water over you!", Arthur grinned, hand already reaching for the water bucket that stood near the well. The same place were they were gathering the stones. Fortunate how close they were here.
"I dare you!", Merlin almost shrieked and used his magic to make the bucket fly far far away from Arthur. With far away he meant inches over his head.

"Are you serious.", Arthur snorted, as the bucket spun from side to side dangerously.
Merlin frowned, tilting his chin in thought, as his eyes followed the bucket. They were bright golden. A sight that still caught Arthur off guard every time.
"Yes. Yes I think I am.", Merlin said and a second later Arthur was soaked wet, a bucket hanging deep into his eyes.

"I hate you.", Arthur mumbled, but he didn't sound mad. It was a hot day. They had been working for hours. This one actually had a nice side effect.
It cooled him down.

"No I don't think so.", Merlin said. But Arthur already threw the bucket away and chased after him. Merlin fast on his toes as they all through the village. Startling some of the villagers and made children laugh and chicken run for their lives.
If things would keep continuing like this – Arthur thought – then maybe they didn't really need to worry.