Merlin was surprisingly quiet during their travel. Which was odd. Not because Merlin had been real chipper or talkactive before – well he had been, but how would Arthur know that?
But there was an anxious air around him. Like he was scared that any second the king would just appear around the next corner or from behind the next tree and kill them.
Or worse. Order Merlin to kill Arthur.

Arthur still wasn't sure what Merlin meant, when he said he couldn't refuse those orders.

But he guessed that was a problem they would have to face another day. They were going to face it. Arthur was not so oblivious that he didn't expect it. But he knew they could postpone it for some time.
Leon would tell the king something about a "lead", that Merlin had in finding Arthur Pendragon. (Which – to be fair – wasn't even a lie.)
And where he couldn't need any knights as distractions.
He would return as soon as the prince was found.
That was their story. And it may buy them at least two weeks to change location before the king may get wary.
And if Merlin send letters regulary, they might be able to postpone it for another – let's say two or three years. Should the king permit his stay somewhere on the country side for that amount of time.

They traveled. Mostly at night. And at first Arthur thought about leaving Camelot for good. But Arthur had decided on visiting Morgana instead.

Arthur didn't know exactly where she was. That was a secret she kept from him. Like the cryptic she was.
However, she always knew where to find him. Or how. Or when he'd come.
Arthur knew the vague direction of where she currently lived and he knew that should they get close to her location – SHE would send HIM a letter and tell them where she was.
Bloody sorceress.
Unnecessary precaution. Then again, when he looked at Merlin... it wasn't that unnecessary was it?

They made camp for the third time since they left Brieldier.

And once again, Merlin was awfully quiet. Had been the previous day as well. And the day before that. And before that one too. And it gnawed on Arthur's insides. It just seemed – wrong.

Arthur sighed. "Come on, Merlin. What are you so gloomy about?!", he jabbed him in the side, but Merlin ignored him, erratically trying to make a fire with two stones he had with him.
Arthur had mentioned it the first night they camped. That Merlin could just use magic to make the fire. But Merlin insisted that he liked doing it the traditional way.
It was probably just a habit.
A habit of when? When he was still hiding how powerful he was? More than a year ago. Probably.
Why the hell did Merlin hide anyway? He was powerful enough to kill Uther Pendragon with a flick of his wrist. Why on earth would someone like him have to hide?
Merlin didn't tell him. He had just looked a bit stunned at the question, like Arthur was the unreasonable one of the two.

"Come on Merlin, I haven't seen you smile those past three days."

Merlin's head shot up. An incredulous look in his eyes. "What?"
Was it weird that Arthur was counting? No. Definitely not. It was just obvious. Merlin always smiled. Or – should. Arthur would have thought he did.
Then again, Merlin had not been smiling most of the days Arthur now knew him.

"I hardly have any reason to smile these days.", Merlin said, and sadly poked around in the fire that was slowly rising now.
Arthur's own grin dropped, as he decided to finally sit down next to Merlin.
Maybe Merlin regretted traveling with Arthur already? Arthur felt a low feeling clench in his guts. He ignored it reasonably.

"I think you worry too much. We'll be fine." Arthur sounded more firm and confident than he felt. Then again – had had always swallowed down his insecurities. At least – he thought he did. He never knew for sure if it came to the person he used to be.

Merlin shuffled in his seat and sighed. "It's not that. I always worry about everything. Since I came to Camelot – so much has happened.", he paused, waiting for Arthur to nod at him to continue or tell him to stop talking.
But Arthur send him a reassuring smile, so Merlin felt free to continue.
"I've seen so many executions...
My first girlfriend died shortly after we met. My best friend died, right when I was trying to safe my people. My father died, soon after I found him. I released a dangerous Dragon on the citizens, Chaos happened to the king and the kingdom just because I was there.
So many people have died who I never even knew! And my guardian told me to let them, because it was better than getting killed myself. Which was a bullshit excuse by the way.
I've hid who I was, I had to let people die in order to keep my secret. And then I went and killed the king and fight wars for the new one and now -"
Merlin swallowed, not managing to look at Arthur anymore.
"Now I'm running away."
He didn't say it, but Arthur knew what he meant. Running from the consequences. Running from his mistakes, from his punishment. From his duties.
'Much like that bloody prince.', Arthur thought, but never mentioned it.

He didn't know how to respond to that – so he just stared at Merlin. This was -

"That's not fair and you know it." Finally he knew how to talk again.

Merlin laughed. "Yeah. I am not being fair. Abandon my friends like that. My family. Everyone who ever mattered to me. I'm a tool is what I am and I am a coward."

'You seem pretty brave to me.', Arthur couldn't help but think. But he wasn't sure what he based that impression on. So he kept it to himself.

Arthur wondered, if Merlin had ever opened up like this to anyone. It didn't look like Merlin did. He looked burdened. So heavily burdened. Arthur wondered how Merlin had come to the conclusion that opening up now and to him was a good idea. So spontaneously as he had begun. Then again, Arthur had seen him these past few days. It hadn't been THAT spontaneous. Maybe Merlin had been contemplating to confide in him the entire time. Perhaps that was what had bothered him so much.
Anyway. Arthur felt touched at how much Merlin already trusted him.

"Then – how about you tell me what happened? I know you must have had your reasons."

Merlin slowly perked up again. Eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Isn't it bothering you? I thought I was -", he turned away and hugged himself tightly. How come, people who've lived through so much trauma always believed they had to keep it to themselves?
What was wrong with society that we never dare to share ourselves with others? What do we have to loose? But the answer is quite obvious, isn't it?
As obvious as the meaning of life.
The answer is everything and nothing. Reasons are different for everyone and yet for all the same.
We all know the answer and yet we don't. We doubt it's existence and yet it is there. It's all and nothing. And sometimes –there was never even a question at all.

Arthur shrugged.
"Come on, Merlin. We're going to spend the next couple of years together if everything works out as we planned. If you don't start annoying me now, you might never will. And you'll regret that sooner or later."

Merlin snorted. It wasn't even that funny. But Merlin relaxed a little at his comment.
"I have a destiny you know. To bring upon the -", Merlin's eyes dazed out for a moment.
"To bring upon the -" He paused again. Like there was a nasty image in his head that blocked his view on the topic at hand.
His eyes widened. "Oh my GOD! I don't remember!", he gaped. Then his head snapped to Arthur, who was completely confused now.
"I had a DESTINY, Arthur! And I don'T REMEMBER!"
Merlin was panicking. Oh that was NOT good. Arthur hadn't planned for this. Merlin stood up, walking in circles.

"Merlin, it's alright, it'll come back. we'll -."

"No, Arthur, you don't understand! That destiny made me kill people. It made me betray my friends. It made me deny magic as a whole! I HAVE to remember!"
His breathing increased, as did the speed in which he paced.

"Merlin – trust me -"

"No, listen! You have no idea what it's like to have a destiny -"

They both froze as words popped into their heads. This too, was not exactly something new. The past three days, whenever they actually DID talk – something triggered a memory.
The pain in their heads had synchronized, as they memorized the very same things at the very same time. Well, not exactly the same things. Sometimes one of them remembered more than the other. Depending on how important that certain memory was to each of them.
Sometimes they saw different memories about the same topic.

This once, they shared the same length of the same memory.

So they both heard Arthur say: "You have no idea what it's like to have a destiny, you can't escape."
"Destinies, are troublesome things." The memory Merlin was slow in his advice, but so confident like he knew exactly what he was talking about. You feel trapped.", is what Merlin had answered.
It was more painful and louder than anything else they had ever heard in their entire lives. And it held a meaning to their hearts no other words could ever compare.

"Like your whole life has been planned out for you and you've got no control over anything. And-", he gasped for air. "- sometimes you don't know if what destiny decided is really the best thing at all."

"How come you're so knowledgeable?", memory Arthur asked. Like he couldn' understand how Merlin of all people understood destinies. Ridiculous. The guy was Emrys. If anyone had a destiny, it was him.
"I rode a book.", Memory Merlin replied, like it was the most natural lie that had ever come to him.
Arthur and Merlin both knew what this meant. This was a memory, when Arthur hadn't known about Merlin's magic yet.

The memory was fading out now. But there was something else within the conversation that stuck out. Clear as day, while the rest of the conversation turned into a mumbled blurr.
"I think you're mad. I think you're all mad. People should marry for love."
And this was all Arthur could focus on right now. Who cared about the magic. Arthur had known for quite some time now. But the other bit. The last bit – that tugged on his heart.
What that had to do with destiny – Arthur wasn't so sure. But it felt important.

The silence was palpable. As Merlin tried to regain his balance and Arthur tried to make sense of the words in his head.

Merlin was the first one to speak again. "So – you didn't know I had magic.", he said slowly. Like there had ever been any doubt to it. It was clear from the way memory Merlin had pretended he had no idea about destinies. They could feel Arthur's obliviousness in that scene.

Arthur, however, was hardly listening.
"I – what now?", he asked, already grabbing for his scrolls and handing one over to Merlin as well, so they could share their burden with the memory jar. Arthur had crossed out his own name the moment he realized he wasn't the only one so blind to his past.
Well – the moment he realized Merlin as well had lots of holes in his memories.

"I said – you didn't know anything about my magic. You were clearly clueless about it.", Merlin said, and held his head as he made a wincing noise at the aftermath of the headache.
"Is this really going to continue like this? Will I have to get used to these migraines?", he cursed under his breath.

Arthur nodded slowly, barely grabbing the question. He didn't care about the magic. He didn't care about the bloody headaches (alright, that last one was a lie.).
He wanted to know why Merlin advised him on his love life. 'people should marry for love.'
Why was that even a concern of his?
"Who – what do you think we were back then?", Arthur asked, feeling a little overwhelmed by the feelings he remembered. Almost more than the words that had hit him full force in the head.

Merlin blinked. "I don't know? You said I was a servant. Maybe you were a knight or – I don't know. Probably a royal person of something."
Merlin took it to literal. This wasn't about them individually!
"No. I meant ...", Arthur paused. Unsure of how to ask this again.
"What were WE. As in – our relationship." Because servants were no advisors to nobles. Servants didn't tell you who to marry.
Servants weren't supposed to question you at all.

And there was more. Servants didn't need to drink poison for nobles. Most wouldn't do it for their own family members! Even if they were friends – that was a loyalty beyond comparison!
They must have had a deep connection for that to make any sense.

"Relationship?", Merlin's eyes widened. "You don't think we -", he never ended that sentence. As the thought must have finally reached him as well.
Then he shook his head, laughing nervously.
"Nah – I don't think so. That would be -", he shook his head again, slightly amused. But not funny amused. But threateningly amused, if that's a thing.

"I think you convinced me to break up with my fiance.", Arthur said. And tried to write that down with his shaking hand. He vaguely remembered a beautiful blond and clumsy woman. And the feeling of distress whenever they met.
She didn't seem to like him that much either.
"You told me I was mad for agreeing to an arranged marriage. And you looked – very determined to stop me." That sounded about right, Arthur decided.

Merlin opened his mouth to say something. He had seen that too after all. But he had no explanation for it. The conversation fell completely flat, as neither of them dared to look at each other.
"Huh.", Merlin made at some point and blushed furiously.
"That's not what I -"

"Expected?", Arthur finished his sentence. "Yeah. Me neither."

"We – we could be wrong about that though.", Merlin pointed out. Rather eagerly, actually.
Arthur fiddled with his thumb.
"Yeah – but it kind of makes sense, doesn't it?", he said and saw Merlin press his lips together.

"I mean – we both thought the other was familiar, when we met. I even remembered your name. And I won't lie – that never happened before. I forgot everyone's names. The memories came back after they told me. Never before.
But with you – it was different. That was the first thing that popped into my head.
And we share so many lost memories.
And we keep triggering each other. It – it doesn't seem too far of, don't you think?"
Arthur felt his insides clench a bit. Not unpleasant, but not pleasant either.

Merlin considered that for a few moments, before he kept fidgeting with his hands again.
"Maybe -", he said and bit his lips once more.

Maybe they were meant to meet again. Maybe they were destined to find each other again?

Arthur felt a bit trapped right at this moment.
"You know – we don't – we don't have to talk about this right now. I mean – we barely remember anything. We shouldn't set ourselves on expectations or destinies or anything.
It's – just a possibility. At least we know we're not running of with a complete stranger now, right?"

God, the atmosphere was so awkward. So goddamn awkward.
Arthur wished he had never -

"Hey-!", he finally exclaimed, as he realized something. He almost sounded offended. Causing Merlin to jump at the sudden noise.

"What? What did I say?", Merlin looked at him with wide eyes.

"You just changed the topic! You were panicking earlier! We were talking about your traumatic past and then you just went and triggered a memory! Don't think we're done with your struggles, young man."

"I'm barely two years younger than you!", Merlin was dumbstruck. Clearly taken aback by Arthur's attempt to redirect the conversation. Far – far away from love and all that junk.

"You are basically a child!", Arthur shook his head. And finally, Merlin laughed. Loud. And wholeheartedly.

"You are ridiculous.", he said but the smile didn't really leave his face. Maybe he too, was glad for a distraction.

Arthur grinned back and couldn't help but feel a little lighter on the inside. That was the look he had been hoping for.
"See, that's better.", he nodded and pointed at Merlin's face.

And for a second he thought there was something flashing in his eyes. Just like a small memory, of the two of them sitting on wooden floors. Talking almost just like this, while Merlin was cleaning some boots. But that could't be a real memory, right? Because there was a significant difference to the other memories.
The difference was – this memory didn't hurt. Quite the opposite really.

-----------------------------------

Day four was letter day.
In a weird way. Because two letters arrived at almost the same time. One was brought by a knight whose name neither of them knew until he introduced himself as Sir Gareth.
Another letter came with a dove.

So both Morgana and Katie had send their letters today.
Morgana because of her foresight. Katie because of her impatience.

Morgana's letter was rather short. But it told him a lot about their situation.

"Dear brother," she began. But the dear was scratched through, like she hadn't been certain of how to address him correctly. Maybe it was intentional. Maybe she wanted to taunt him.

"I saw you want to visit. I send Sir Gareth to fetch you. But beware. I saw a shadow following you. Don't come until you got rid of him. I don't trust him.
I know you can do it.

'Gana

P.S.: Keep the flower"

Arthur frowned. Morgana loved to keep things short. He send Merlin an uncertain glance. While Sir Gareth practically bored holes into him with his eyes.
Merlin was the shadow. That riddle was practically a joke.

But what did she mean by "keep the flower?" Did she mean the flower Merlin had given to Katie... who in return had given it to Arthur?
If Morgana didn't like Merlin – why would the flower be okay?
Confusing, really.

The other letter contained less serious topics. It was basically just a lot of scribble about how much Katie missed him already. And how she wasn't so sure how to address someone in a letter. And that she had named the dove Dave. Because she thought it was a funny name for a Dove.
Arthur had assumed the Dove was female earlier. Why had he done that? Was that just a random instinct of his? Did Katie know something he didn't? Did she even care?
Did it even matter? Probably not.

When he read out the letter to Merlin, he heard the boy laughing every second sentence.
The letter was long. Very long. At least fifteen times as long as Morgana's had been.
And much more heartfelt. And decorated with dried flowers and leafs and small drawings of deformed unicorns and stars.
In the end, they settled on writing back before they would follow Sir Gareth into the unknown.

"My dearest Katie,"

Arthur began and earned a bright smile from Merlin that made him awfully conscious of that one memory they shared that might have lead to a much different future. Back where they still had their memories.

Arthur had to admit, he wasn't so good at writing letters, but Merlin helped him out a bit. So they wrote about their way to the forest and that a knight would accompany them to Arthur's other – much much older - sister.
In the end, Arthur tried to scribble a small picture of Merlin, him and the knight. Because he believed Katie would appreciate the effort, no matter how awful the drawing looked.
Merlin would tease him endlessly for it later, but the warlock also enchanted the drawing so it would move around a bit. The figures waved at them.

Soon after that, Dave set off into the distance and disappeared from their path and their minds.

"So. We can go. ", Arthur finally decided and brushed of the ink from his hands. Bloody ink, always stuck where you least want it.
He was almost certain he had some in his hair. Merlin's attempts at stifling his laughter surely spoke volumes for that theory.
Still.... Arthur thought it was kinda nice that Merlin had somehow managed to relax a bit. Maybe he should spill the ink all over his face next time, to stop Merlin from getting into a depressed mood once again.

Sir Gareth looked between him and Merlin.
Which was Merlin's cue to stop laughing. Because the knight (traitor knight, by the way, since he ran away with Morgana and abandoned the new king.) wasn't moving, but crossing his arms.

"What's wrong?", Arthur asked curiously. But also a bit worried.

"Milady gave the order to lead you to her alone.", he sad and nodded pointedly at Merlin once more.

Arthur frowned. "Merlin is my guest. If he won't come, then I won't either."
That had the knight baffled.
"But –", then he frowned and walked around Arthur, as if to check for something.
"You are not enchanted, are you.", he said. Would he even be able to recognize an enchantment? Had Morgana taught him? Admittedly, that would be impressive.
"You do know he's the Shadow, right? Camelot's doom?"

Ah yes, another beautiful name for Merlin. Wonderful. Nothing about Merlin was doomy.

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Yes. I know. I'm not enchanted. Not more than before, at least. If my memory loss has something to do with magic. Who knows?"

Merlin flinched under the gaze of the knight. Which in itself was utterly ridiculous, because Merlin was far more powerful than any knight.
But that single knight looked very determined. A bit put off by the unusual occasion and certainly not unimpressed. But Merlin's person didn't completely set him into a state of internal and possibly external panic. Like it did to farmers. (Best example were currently Katie's parents.)

Merlin despised violence. Arthur had only known him for a couple of days, and yet he already knew this. It was hard to miss in the way he flinched away from Arthur's jabs.
Or smiled at randomly passing animals.
Or frowned at Arthur for demanding they hunt for some meat.
Merlin was the most pacifistic murderer he ever met. It was strangely endearing. And also very irritating.

"You wouldn't be able to tell.", Sir Gareth said and placed himself between Merlin and Arthur.

"Look, mate. If Morgana won't accept the both of us, then we'll go somewhere where we're welcome.", he slowly stated. There was no need for Morgana to be so suspicious.

Then he saw Merlin pale and gape at Arthur.
He looked awfully pained. It was then, that Arthur realized this was the first time he had mentioned Morgana's name out loud.

"Your sister is Morgana?", Merlin asked, and his eyes were wide and utterly terrified.
"Yeah, why?", Arthur asked. And expected nothing but the worst. What had Morgana done to this innocent boy that he looked so frightened?

Merlin didn't answer, so Arthur shove Gareth to the side and asked him again.
"Merlin, do you know Morgana?"

Merlin nodded, then swallowed. "Arthur, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry for what?", Arthur was getting mad. That was not a good sign. He didn't like getting mad. But he hated not knowing things. Being left out of important discussions. Being withheld information. Being lied to.
Not remembering. It was the worst.
But Merlin looked to the side with an apology written all over his face, as he decided to be honest.

"We were friends." He paused. Then took a deep breath, before he confessed.
"And I poisoned her."