Gwen, Lancelot and Katie were sitting in the kitchen, as Arthur returned. His head was elsewhere. He felt a little dazed, like something was knocking on the back of his head.
It was a pounding feeling, which he knew would turn into a very nasty headache sooner or later.
Or something else. Something much more painful. He frowned.

Lance and Gwen were whispering among themselves.
"Have you seen him? Do you think they know each other?", Gwen said quietly, and frowned awkwardly, as soon as she noticed Arthur.
"Do you know him?", she asked immediately. So maybe it wasn't Arthur whom she tried to exclude from the discussion. Maybe it was Katie, who was still a bit in awe at the flower in her hands.
Arthur would be too, if he was honest.
Then again, he hadn't gotten a flower from an infamous murderer.

Arthur shook his head. "I'm not sure.", he admitted and rubbed his pounding head.
"He seems ... familiar.", Arthur finally admitted.

"He does?", Gwen exchanged a look with Lancelot.
"Do you know his name?", she asked further.
"Or maybe what position he had in the royal household before all this happened?", Lancelot added.
'Position in the royal household?'

Lancelot – Arthur still wasn't too sure what the man all knew. He certainly knew more about the past few years than Arthur did. Everybody did.
But he seemed privy to information that even Gwen or others of his friends had never even heard of.

"Everyone knows his name.", Arthur said, almost annoyed. "It's Mer-"
He stopped himself. He had wanted to say Emrys. Instead he said the name that had popped into his head earlier. "-lin.", he concluded lamely.
He shook his head. "Sorry, I – I was just -"
Then he noticed Lancelot staring at him.

"What?! Sorry. I know his name is actually Emrys. I just got confused for a second.", Arthur pointedly said. But he felt embarrassed. That much was evident in his tone.
Lancelot, however, exchanged a look with Gwen.

"Arthur. The name Emrys was given to him by the druids. The nickname the shadow was given to him by the new king.", he said slowly and stood up in curiosity.
"Only those who served Uther Pendragon know his real name. Gwen does, because she was Morgana's servant. I do, because I saved his life once and he tried to help me become a knight.
How do YOU know his name?"

Arthur froze.
"You mean – you knew him before the king died?" Perhaps Arthur should be more worried about the name thing. About everything else that Lancelot had just said. But Arthur tended to avoid questioning things that felt – too personal.
The two of them liked to be secretive about their pasts. And Arthur, who rarely had anything to share, tried to avoid pressuring them into things.
Also, new information tended to overwhelm Arthur now and then.

In the past year, Arthur had never asked Gwen what she'd been doing in the Castle before he lost his memories. But he knew she was a servant. That much had come back in one of those rare instances, when he regained a memory. As painful as those moments were.
Though he knew one of those was coming up soon. They always started with a headache.

And he also knew that Lancelot had wanted to be a knight. But he didn't know he had actually tried to become one.
Arthur blinked, as a sharp pain flooded his senses. Of course. Bloody now!
Like a small hole in a dam that offered him a glimpse of a memory.

He inhaled sharply as he remembered. Lancelot, who was fighting him. Dressed like a squire. How did Arthur know what a squire looked like?
Lancelot had been really good, especially for a rookie. Again, a judgment that Arthur didn't know the basis of. Then he saw Uther Pendragon call the man out for faking his heritage. Lancelot in a cell.
A random glimpse of a Wilddeoren who was about to eat both Lancelot and Gwen. A young man following them into a cave. Merlin.
A fire.
And then Arthur stumbled.

He blinked back a tear from the sharp pain. Those were – a lot of memories at once.
Holy moly. His usual flashbacks weren't half as long.

Lancelot and Gwen immediately rushed to his side.
"Did – did you just remember something?", Gwen asked concerned.

Arthur hissed a breath, as he let himself fall on the next chair. Gwen hurried to give him a piece of paper and a bit of ink and a feather. As Arthur once instructed.
Arthur hated this part, but he knew it was important that he wrote down exactly what he had seen.
He was afraid to loose the few memories that his mind provided him with.

Lancelot was reading over his shoulders. They had practiced this. Arthur allowed them to read his memories, quite literally.
As soon as Arthur wrote down something about a fire that saved them, he leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hands.

Lancelot was gaping at the words. "How on earth do you know this happened?", he asked, reading the words carefully.
"You weren't there. You shouldn't be able to remember this!", he added, studying Arthur's face in wonder and shock.

Arthur groaned. "How do I know?", he asked, watching as Gwen put some sand on the small Pergament rolls. As soon as she deemed them dry enough, she rolled them up and bound them together. Just to but them into a jar on the top of the shelf.
'Arthur's memory Jar' was written in fine ink on a label in front. The jar wasn't very full. Maybe about a third was filled with tiny scrolls.
It was testimony of how far he had gotten to find himself.

"I do remember Gwen and Morgana fighting in a small village somewhere at the border of Camelot. How would I know that? Women usually don't fight. What were they even doing there?", Arthur reminded him.

The memory of the battle of Ealdor had come to him weeks ago. As Morgana visited them once. She had run away with a couple of knights as her personal protection. At some point during their escape, Morgana and Gwen had to be separated and visiting each other was a hard risk.
Morgana defied the warnings many times. And so far, they had been lucky. But even she was unable to determine who Arthur really was. She as well, had no memories of him whatsoever.
She was the one who gave him the idea for the memory jar.

But all this was unimportant, as his mind was still focusing on the fact that Merlin – the boy from earlier – the shadow – had been in most recent memory.

Gwen bit her lip. "We were helping a friend.", she said and looked outside the window again.
"Merlin?", Arthur asked and cursed himself. He had called him that again! Just when he had thought his mind would be sensible enough about it!
And yet, I strangely felt like he was right. He was guessing the means of the battle of Ealdor. How the king's ward and her servant had gone to protect a village that wasn't even part of Camelot.

She startled at that. Then nodded in pain. "Yes. Merlin."

"His name is really Merlin.", Arthur said, though it was more of a question. His head was still pounding.
"Yes.", Lancelot said. "He used to be the court physician's apprentice. Who happened to have magic. He was never evil. Until -", he shook his head. "At least I thought he wasn't.

"Until what?", Arthur asked curiously, ignoring the last part.
Lancelot frowned. "Until the day he killed the king.", he said as a matter of fact.
Gwen looked down equally ashamed. "I – personally – never knew he had magic.", she said quietly. "I trusted him. Morgana trusted him. I think everyone did."

"Can you two please tell me what happened that day?
I was there but I don't remember a thing! You guys were there! The knights and Morgana were there! I need to know what exactly happened! I'm the only one who doesn't -", Arthur's voice fell.
It really wasn't fair.

Lancelot bit his lip. "Actually, you are wrong about that.", he admitted and ignored the warning glance his wife send him.

"Wrong about what?", Arthur asked curiously.

Lancelot sighed deeply. "Arthur, even Gwen and I – we don't remember much more than Emrys turning dark. And the king falling to the ground. Everything else of that day is a blur.
It's a vague memory. For everyone we asked.
And the thing is – it's the same with you! Nobody remembers you. Nobody even knows your real name. You just disappeared from our minds. Even from your own mind! And yet you seem to recognize some of us. It doesn't make sense!"

Arthur's eyes widened. "You think – you think everyone lost some of their memories?", he asked irritated.

Lancelot nodded. "In fact – I think everyone lost their memories regarding to you! And I would love to know how and why."

Arthur looked to Gwen expectantly. While Lancelot was often the voice of reason, Gwen gave amazing advice.

"When you talked to Merlin – what did you think?", she finally asked. A bit worried. A bit curious.

Arthur wondered for a second, before he decided to answer.
"I think – he doesn't seem like a bad guy.", he admitted. And it was hard to admit. Because up until now Arthur had always complained about the rumors about the shadow.
Now that he met him – his entire opinion had changed in a matter of seconds.

The married couple mirrored each other, as they sighed.
"I had hoped to hear this.", Lancelot said and smiled painfully. "That means, whatever has happened back then – he might be able to explain it."

"Do you think that is a wise idea?", Arthur asked.

"I'm not sure. It depends on what your instincts are worth, Arthur. But so far, you've proven to be a just and fair man. If you're willing to give him a chance. So do I.
You should talk to him. I have a feeling he will listen to you. Do you know where to find him?", Lancelot put a reassuring hand on Arthur's shoulder.

Arthur bit back a comment. "Actually, yes.", he answered instead.
"I do.", he added for emphasis.

Lancelot smiled weakly. "That is good. When will you go?"
It wasn't a question of "if". Arthur wanted to point that out. Then again, he had already made up his mind, hadn't he?
"Tonight.", he said. "When they've made up camp.", he explained.

"You should take this with you.", finally Katie spoke up. How on earth had they forgotten about her? How much did she understand?
She was holding out the flower to Arthur.

Confused, Arthur took it and stared at the bright red thing. "Thank you?", he asked curiously.
Katie smiled. "I have the feeling it was meant for you.", she said.
Arthur blinked. "Why do you think that? He gave it to you!"

Katie tilted her head, a bit sadly. "Magic is an emotion, Arthur.", she said cryptically. Arthur knew better than to question it.

----------------------------

When Arthur went out that night, he did it with an intention. He had been a lost memory cause for a year. If he could find answers now, then he would gladly do so.
The nights were cold in Brieldier. They usually were. Even in the worst summers, the nights could be freezing. That was mainly due to the fact that Brieldier was close to a lake.
The lake of Avalon they called it. Rumors said a woman watched over the lake and send out fairies to keep the world cold and fresh. So that plants would grow quickly and fruitfully.

Arthur didn't think about rumors much, but the story briefly touched his conscience, as he found the camp close to the shore.

Knights were roaming around, carrying weapons. And Arthur wondered if it was such a good idea that he had come here. Each and everyone of them could kill him within a second!
He was no soldier. Weapons or no weapons. Arthur had never fought in his life.
At least he thought he didn't. He couldn't imagine a reason as to why he would.

His hesitation was what gave him away. A knight, tall with long blond hair, immediately drew his sword upon seeing Arthur.
Arthur gulped.
"What do you want!", the man said. What was his name again?

Arthur blinked. The man looked familiar. But this morning he hadn't even noticed him.

Arthur flinched a little. "I – er – I came to say hello.", he said weakly. What else was he supposed to do? Fight an armed man? Certainly loosing more than just his dignity? Yeah, right.

The man frowned. "Who send you! If you are here to tell us where Arthur Pendragon is, then do so at once! Or else I may run you through!"

Arthur was sweating nervously. "I – I don't have information, sorry.", he said quietly. Just loud enough to be heard. 'I'm actually here to get some myself.', he didn't dare say.
"The sha– Merlin invited me." Arthur gulped. If this man truly knew the shadow – he would know his name right?
Or were Lancelot and Gwen messing with him? Ridiculous thought. They would never endanger him like that.

The man frowned. He didn't lower his sword as Arthur had hoped.
"How do you know his name? Only a traitor would know!"
'Okay, maybe I should have reconsidered my word choiced.'

"Leon! Let him go." Arthur sighed a breath of relief. There he was. Merlin. The boy, smaller than the knight walked towards him from where he had been cooking at the fire.
Why was the shadow cooking? Shouldn't a servant be doing that?
'Again?', Arthur's head began pounding again. Twice in one day? That had never happened before! Arthur had barely recovered from his last memory blast!
And here was certainly not the place.

"I invited him.", the shadow explained further. Studying Arthur up and down. "Though I would like to know how you know my name!", he asked, head tilted.
"I think you muttered it, as you left us this morning. How do you know? Did someone tell you? If so – you must tell me who it was, so they can be arrested."

Arthur bit his lips. "Nobody told me.", he said and saw Merlin's eyes flash. Man that sight made him nervous. He knew his thoughts were being invaded right now.
"I – remembered."
Merlin frowned. "Remember from what?"

Arthur took a deep breath. Then he decided, lying was no use. He should probably start this conversation honestly.
"I don't know.", he said. Hoping that Merlin could see the sincerity in his eyes.

"Bullshit, I don't -"

"Leon, wait.", Merlin said and held the knight back once again.
"Why don't we go sit at the fire and then you can explain?"
Arthur had come for answers. Not this throbbing pain in his head. And certainly not to be questioned by a mere -

The vision hit him full force this time. Enough to make his breathing hitch and black dots playing painfully in his eyes.

There was a woman with a loud but beautiful voice. A dagger, directed at Arthur. A man pulled him to the side. A kind announcing a boy to be a servant. It was too blurry to actually see or know whose servant he had become.
He saw two kings meeting. One goblet that he knew was poisoned. A boy – Merlin – drinking it willingly.
The same boy was dying now. In small chambers. A flower. A blue orb.

Arthur took a deep breath. Two memories. Those were two separate memories. He held his head.
He must have fallen to the ground, because he couldn't remember where he was for a second.
And then blue eyes pierced into his. The knight from before crouching next to him in worry.

"Sorry, I – I should write that down first.", he mumbled and grabbed for a piece of Pergament that he always carried with him. Well – almost always. Not when he was asleep
They moved towards the fire, where Arthur tried to recollect exactly what he had seen.

Merlin watched him curiously. As did the knight. And some others who had seen him faint like a wimp.
As Arthur was done and pulled away the small scroll, he held his head uncomfortably.

"What was that?", Merlin asked, worried. Why would he be worried?
Then again, why would he drink poison in that memory of his?

"A flashback.", Arthur said shortly. Speaking hurt.
Merlin blinked back at him. His head tilted to the side again. So it was a thing with him then. Where his eyes flashing or was that the fire that reflected in them?

"A flashback.", Merlin repeated confused.

Arthur nodded. "That's kind of why I'm here.", he said.
"I've – I've lost my memories. Everything that happened up until a year ago – gone. I sometimes have these moments that I remember things. They are mostly short and very painful.
I usually have them round about twice a month. If I'm lucky.
I've had them twice today.", Arthur said and looked directly at the shadow now.

"And in both vision's... I saw you. And your name was Merlin. Not Emrys."

He waited a second, as Merlin contemplated what he said. "You saw me? In your memories?"
Arthur nodded, with a side glance to Leon, who seemed just as perplexed as Merlin was.

"But, I don't remember you.", Merlin said. "You look familiar, I think. But nothing more."

Arthur nodded. "Yeah, I figured as much. It's the same with my landlord and his wife. I remember them from these flashes sometimes. But they can't remember ever having met me.
It's like I never existed to others. Only ever to myself. If you can call it that."

Merlin and the knight were silent after that. "You thought I may have answers for you.", Merlin said sadly. "I'm sorry. But I don't know you."
Arthur smiled. "That's okay. I expected nothing less. It was worth a try."

They sat in silence for a few moments.
"I have another question though.", Arthur said. "You know – just so I can understand why you guys are here."

Merlin shook his head. "We are searching for Arthur Pendragon."
"I know. But why? Why here? Why him? I mean – I get he's the prince and all. But he left. He ran away. Nobody knows where he is. That doesn't sound like something a future king should do."

Merlin bit his lip. "The thing is – we don't know if he even exists."

Arthur's answer fell flat to that.
Merlin seemed to contemplate, if it was worth telling Arthur all this. Then he must have figured that Arthur had already shared some vulnerable information with them. Now it was his turn.

"Ever since king Uther died -", Merlin paused, fumbling with his fingers at that. "We have found recordings of a son Uther was said to have. Other kingdom's ask about him. Neither me nor our king has ever heard of him. Or ever met him.
It's like tales are spreading about him from all around Camelot. Only Camelot doesn't know.
Our king wants him dead. Simply because he may become a threat to the kingdom.
But we don't know who we are searching for. It's strange."

Arthur almost grinned. "Seems like I'm not the only one whose existence was forgotten, huh?", he joked. "Just imagine I was the prince. Pretty stupid of me to walk right into your arms then."

Merlin looked up once more. His eyes were bluer than before.
"Gosh, I hope not. I don't want to hurt either of you.", Merlin said, considering Arthur's joke as though he seriously meant it.

Arthur frowned. "I thought your king wants him dead."
"Yes. But I don't.", Merlin said and closed his eyes. Once again he looked old. Much much older than he actually was.
Leon was rubbing his back in comfort.

Arthur thought that maybe – he shouldn't ask about this now. People were ready to do a lot of things for their king. Merlin looked devastated at the mere thought of acting out his orders. More like horrified.
It was better to not press the subject.

"Say – in my memories...", Arthur started instead. "You're not a – what are you now? A knight?"

"Court sorcerer.", Merlin answered shortly. "That's what the king calls it."
Arthur could imagine Merlin felt more like a weapon than anything.

"In my memories you were a servant.", he said. Because he knew, this didn't make sense. Arthur knew the boy was a servant. It was an information that had come with the pictures. And yet, Gwen and Lancelot said something about court physician's apprentice.
Both were jobs that required lots of time and practice and basically stole all your freedom.
One person couldn't do both.
Gwen was very persistent about it for some reason.

Merlin looked up in confusion.
"Me? A servant?" He looked shocked at first. Then he was searching his mind to try and find something that would give him a clue what Arthur had meant.
And then, Arthur could see it. Merlin holding his own head. Him gasping, as something must be flashing in his mind.
And then he shot up, eyes wide. He turned back to Arthur slowly.
Arthur sat up straighter.

"Did you – did you just have a flashback?"

But the memory itself had Merlin irritated and his response came out as a question rather than an answer. And it was such a specific question, so in tandem to the flashback Arthur just had, that Arthur knew they were about to unravel something big. Something very big.
Still, there was one part of those specifics that Arthur hadn't seen in his vision.

"Why would I drink poison for you?"