Arthur returned to reality screaming. If he had thought returning memories little by little had hurt, it was nothing compared to this.
His scalp felt like it might burst. His brain pounding in his head. Black dots danced in front of his eyes. Scratch that, his entire vision was black. The dots were pieces of reality that hit his see nerves. And caused immense pain.

The pain stretched from his head through his nerve system down to his guts. Making him wonder if a heart was allowed to race that fast. His stomach clenched and none of this felt in any way pleasant, like falling in love might feel.
Arthur felt sick, as his legs gave out under him and he had to steady himself on the new sword he had already stuck back into the ground.
He was heaving, not even sure whether he was grabbing the handle or the blade. He couldn't make out if the pain from his hands came from being cut open or from the pain in his entire system.

He could hardly keep it in him, as Lancelot tried to help him. Not that Arthur noticed his presence at all. Arthur threw up. It must mostly be water, because hadn't eaten anything yet.
He heard someone jump back in surprise, probably trying to avoid the radius of poor pain that Arthur felt. Or the vomit. Probably the latter.

It felt like the pain wasn't just in himself anymore. It was outside him. Punching him again and again. Forcing him to remember a past that even without physical pain – broke him in half.
Slowly – far too slowly- the pain ebbed away.
Leaving only the mental pain.

His only waking thought was Merlin. But for once – the thought didn't make his stomach flutter. For once it didn't brighten his day.
It did the opposite. It made him feel sick.
Merlin had lied to him. Merlin had murdered his father. Merlin made everyone forget about him. Merlin had tried to kill him too. Merlin sneaked back into his life. Kept him away from Camelot. His throne. His responsibility. His destiny.
Merlin was at fault for the pain he had just felt. Merlin had betrayed him. Merlin had magic.
Arthur was breathing heavily.

In theory he knew this wasn't fair. That Merlin didn't remember either. That Merlin had been ordered to do this. But Arthur was human. And humans are irrational sometimes. All this knowledge so sudden and so painful, it erased everything else. Right now, there was only pain and betrayal.

Merlin had kept secrets from him. Merlin had made him believe he could trust him. All this pain that had been neglected for him. All these things he had a right to know. That he needed to know – Merlin had sweet talked them out of his mind. Made him believe it was better not to remember.
Made Arthur trust him. Made Arthur love him.
No.

Arthur shook his head. Merlin must have enchanted him.

He felt hot wet tears falling from his eyes, felt the heaving of his chest more than he heard his own whimpering sound.

Slowly – the feeling calmed and ebbed away too. The pain washing away slowly. But it left a throbbing sensation everywhere in his body.

Someone touched his shoulder, but he slapped it away. He turned his head, anger in his eyes.

"Arthur. Can you tell us what you saw?", Lancelot said calmly, but Arthur's eyes just narrowed in his hatred.
This wasn't Lancelot's fault. He didn't remember either. But -
Arthur felt another stabbing pain in his heart. Lancelot had married Gwen. And if Katie's letters had told him anything – Gwen was pregnant with their second child.

Arthur closed his eyes again. The betrayal of magic – it had even drowned out what else was supposed to be important to him. He didn't blame Lance. He didn't blame Gwen. But they could never get back to the way things were.
He had loved Gwen. And that feeling had just returned and made him feel hurt and betrayed as well. Yet – being rejected didn't feel as bad as feeling used.

"Magic is evil.", Arthur whispered. How could he have forgotten all those incidents when magic had corrupted the people he most trusted?
How could he have forgotten how many people had been sentenced for their crimes, for good reason?

"What?", A scared voice said, but Arthur didn't care who it belonged to.
"Sorcery is evil.", Arthur repeated himself. "All of them are monsters."

Someone slapped him. Arthur almost fell, as he looked up at a crying face. The air was filled with electricity at Katie's anger.

It wasn't the slap that made Arthur flinch away. Neither was it the magic that surrounded the girl and made air twirl around her. Arthur had seen it many times. She was holding herself back. Her magic was just a protection. Arthur blinked, surprised that he knew that. Surprised that the magic didn't make him shy away completely.
No – it was the hurt in her eyes.

She felt betrayed. By Arthur.

"How -", she hissed in a quiet sob. "How dare you.", she whispered. Her hand still raised. And Arthur could see from the corner of his eyes Lancelot holding Gwaine back. If to stop him from hurting Katie – or from Gwaine shielding her – Arthur didn't know. Right now, that wasn't important.

Arthur felt himself unable to respond. He was too absorbed in his own feelings that had halted as he saw them mirrored in the young sorceress' face.
And he felt regret. Why? Because she was a sorceress? Because he knew her? Because he had helped raise her? Because he had helped her learn magic, even?
Because she had always treated him fairly? Always been nice to him? Always saw him as a brother rather than anything else?

Arthur himself had conspired with a sorcerer. But even now, as she was angry at him for saying what he said, he didn't hate her. He didn't blame her. She wasn't evil. And that confused Arthur more than anything else. 'Maybe -', his mind tried to save him. Protect him. 'Maybe she is like Merlin. Maybe she will betray you when you least expect it. Maybe she will lure you into false security and -'
'But she is twelve.', Arthur thought helplessly. The part of him that had always doubted his father's accusations against magic. 'She has never hurt me.'
The one part that was trying to keep him sane right now said. To keep him reasonable.

"How DARE you condemn magic like you know ANYTHING about it!", she said trembling.
Arthur wanted to respond. Wanted to tell her that he had lived with a sorcerer. Had protected a man that wanted him dead.
Merlin had even said so himself. Should he ever find out who Arthur really was – he would kill him.

Arthur tried to forget that Merlin had warned him of this. Had reminded him almost every time their relationship had slightly changed. The day they got together. The day Arthur proposed to him. The day they got married.
Arthur blinked a few times. 'Right.', he thought, sobering slightly.
'I married him.' And the betrayal itself now felt confused. Because Arthur knew – marrying Merlin had been HIS idea. It had been HIS choice. Or was that part of Merlin's magic too?
He desperately wanted to say -
Arthur frowned. Did he want it to be an enchantment? Or didn't he? Right now – he wasn't sure anymore.

Katie was still heaving with emotion. "I don't know what's gotten into you – Arthur.", she said and was holding back even more tears.
"But this isn't you.", she stepped back. She was afraid of him. Arthur noted blankly.
She was a sorceress, why the hell was she afraid of him?
Was it the sword? Was it the blade? The magic blade? The one that could kill even the undead?
No. She was staring right passed it. Right into Arthur's eyes.
She was afraid of his hatred.

"Sorcery has brought nothing but pain to Camelot.", Arthur said slowly, but didn't dare raise from his spot. His body still couldn't support him.

"No.", more tears fell from Katie's eyes. "You don't mean that. YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE!", she almost screamed and branches fell from the trees at the force of her magic.
Arthur blinked. He had seen THAT before.... he shook his head.

"Sorcerer's have attacked Camelot since I can remember. They have never done anything but.", he said and wondered why he even did this. He was giving her a chance to respond. To argue. She was a sorceress. He wasn't supposed to let her speak. His father had taught him better than this.

Katie closed her eyes, her dove trying to comfort her, when she vehemently shook her head.
"Knights keep attacking our village, every time they pass through.", she whispered and Arthur blinked. Wondering – what the hell that had to do with anything.
"But not all knights are bad."

Arthur blinked and held his head. That was true. In the year that Arthur had lived in Brieldier – knights kept robbing the people of their possessions. Arthur had hated them for it.
But when he met Merlin – when he saw Leon again – he had changed his mind about them without a second thought.
When he saw how honorable Lancelot was – he had hoped there might be more knights like him.

"Bandits keep attacking wanderers with swords. But you've never said anything against the sword. You always taught me, it's the man holding it I should be afraid of.", Katie said, and the wind was rising up again at the prospect of her emotional outburst.

Arthur blinked – still wondering where she was going with this.
"How can you condemn magic, when it's the user who attacked you.", she said, and her hands balled into fists.
"How can you blame all sorcerer's for actions few people committed against the kingdom."

Arthur opened his mouth to respond – but Katie cut him off before he had the chance to say something. To tell her that, fine, it's not magic that's evil. It's the sorcerers. All of them.

"How can you blame those few who attacked you – when it's the king who provoked them. Who made them live in fear! Who made them fear their every day – because someone they love, maybe they themselves could be killed for having magic!
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME THAT!", Katie was furious. Angry. So so angry that Arthur felt taken aback.

He remembered that conversation. When he had learned that Katie had magic – had learned how good she was despite it. Maybe because of it – Arthur had stopped being afraid of magic. And had began wondering WHY Camelot was being attacked in the first place.
He had heard the stories after all.
Katie was shaking now. She had been afraid back then as well. She had been so afraid when Arthur had learned of her magic. No matter how reckless she might have been.
The ban on magic had just been repealed. She had still been afraid to use it. She was terrified now too.

"After everything we've been through – how can you call me a monster?"

Arthur's eyes widened and he felt his own tears spilling yet again. How on earth did Arthur only realize now that he had called her a monster too? He had been thinking of Merlin earlier. Of the sorcerers who had attacked Camelot. Not really of her. He hadn't realized calling every sorcerer a monster meant Katie as well. And he knew how Katie felt about her magic.
Speaking of which.

The magic was ebbing away, as Katie covered her face in her hands.
Arthur felt – regret. And confusion. "I didn't call you a monster.", Arthur tried to say, lied to himself, but Katie shook her head angrily once again.
"I am a sorceress, Arthur.", she was calm now. But something inside her must have been broken.
"I grew up fearing for my life.", she continued and Arthur felt worse with every word.
"I believed I was dangerous. I believed I was a monster for my entire childhood.", she said – like she was an adult already. Then again – for as long as Arthur had known her – she had always acted older than she was. She grew up faster than any child he ever knew.
Maybe her childhood was really long past her. She was twelve. Arthur felt himself trembling at that.
"You were the first person who told me I wasn't.", she said. And now the regret really hit Arthur where it really really hurt. He closed his eyes. How could he have been so absorbed in his memories and his fear and his hatred that he had forgotten all those nights and conversations when he had comforted Katie for feeling like this?
"I'm going home.", Katie said, her head sunk low and she turned around.

"Katie, wait.", Lancelot said. But it should have been Arthur who stopped her. The prince, however, was too weak to even talk her out of it. She had every right to be mad at him.
Lancelot grabbed for her shoulder, but she shook it off as easily as though it were a fly.

Katie didn't say anything else. She just left. Gwaine and Freya and Lancelot and Arthur staring after her. None of them moving a muscle.
Arthur couldn't say anything. He wanted to stop her. He wanted to apologize, but his head was filled with conflicting emotions.
'It's better this way.', the part of him loyal to his hatred said. The sane part however, feared to have lost her.
'She could kill you, you know.', it reminded him. 'She chose to go home instead.'

'Maybe she just wants you to suffer. Maybe she's going to build up a force to attack you.', the irratic part warned him. But the sane one replied with disbelieve.
'I know her.', he said. And it was true. Katie had never lied to him. Even now, she never denied her magic. Never denied her feelings. Never denied the fact that if it were anyone else, she would have used her magic to hurt him.
It was proof of their history together, that she didn't use it. Maybe it was also proof of their friendship that she didn't need to.

"Arthur – you shouldn't have -", Lancelot began, finally. But Gwaine stopped him.
"Arthur is right!", he said – but something didn't sound right. "She is – she is dangerous.", he said weakly, but he stared after her. Lost in his own disbelieve and mistrust of magic. Like he was still contemplating what she said.
"How many good sorcerer's do we know, after all, right?", Gwaine turned to Arthur. Daring him to name one single person. By the looks of it, he had a certain name in mind. And he dared Arthur to say it because it was the only name Gwaine needed to believe her.

"She is probably the only one.", Arthur said, but even he didn't believe it.
Gwaine looked stunned.
"Didn't you say Merlin was Emrys.", he said slowly. Completely contradicting himself. Maybe Gwaine too was stuck with conflicting emotions.

Arthur's mood darkened immediately. "He used me.", he said immediately and without hesitation.
"He's the one who made all of us forget.", he said sternly.
Arthur wasn't even sure if he wanted to hate Merlin. Maybe he did. And this was a fact. It wasn't enough to keep out the doubt in his head that maybe Merlin was still a good man, though.
But it was enough to ravel in his anger.

Lancelot was quiet for a moment, while Gwaine's shoulders slumped at Arthur's accusation.
"What of Morgana.", Lancelot finally said. And Arthur turned around. He had completely forgotten about her.
"Merlin poisoned her.", was the first thing that came to mind. He had once vowed to kill the person who did this to her.
Now he knew who it was and once more, his hatred against Merlin grew a bit.

"I meant – she is a witch.", Lancelot said, but was baffled at Arthur's words. Gwaine looked from one person to the other.
It was quiet between them now as Arthur realized – Lancelot was right. But Arthur didn't remember learning that Morgana was a witch. That happened after their escape from Camelot.
How was he to know that Morgana hadn't conspired with Mordred as well?
Right now she was helping Mordred after all. But she clearly hated Merlin.

Freya stood between them. Watching. Listening.

And finally. Ironically, Gwaine seemed to be the first of them who had made up his mind. Because quite frankly – they were all stuck to make a decision about Merlin.

Lancelot – not because he hated magic. Quite the opposite really. But because he had trusted Merlin and Merlin had forced them out of their homes. Out of Camelot. Because a man he had trusted before had become a murderer and slaughtered people in the name of a king Lancelot didn't support.

Arthur because, well, you know his entire dilemma.

Gwaine however, he had feared magic. And did so, despite what everyone else had said. What Katie just said would never have changed his mind.
Neither would anyone else who had magic. No matter what they used it for. He would see them as people with a powerful weapon. A weapon they might not use. But a weapon non the less. A weapon they would never put to the side. Much like he disliked royals for the simple fact they had power.

His dilemma shouldn't be so confusing to him. After all – Emrys was a sorcerer who was treated as royal in court. This should be easy.
But Gwaine made this decision anyway.
Though he knew what Lancelot knew now, about Merlin's magic, he knew something Lancelot didn't. Gwaine remembered Arthur. Gwaine remembered everything Merlin had ever done in his presence. And who for.

And Gwaine's opinion on Merlin was stronger than his conviction about magic.
If Merlin and Emrys were the same person – as Arthur had so kindly told him, shortly after they met again. Then Gwaine knew only one truth.

"If Merlin has magic.", he began slowly, only waiting for someone to interrupt him.
"Then she is right.", he said as a matter of fact. Though Katie had long left.
'How is it so easy for him to trust in Merlin?', Arthur wondered helplessly. Even Lancelot seemed worried and confused.
"You have no idea how powerful he is.", Lancelot said weakly. And thought of the betrayal he knew to be true of Merlin.

"That doesn't matter.", Gwaine shrugged. "I know him. Merlin would never, under any circumstances, hurt anyone he cares about. Not in his right mind would he ever hurt the princess. I don't know what has gotten into the two of you.
But Merlin is my friend. The very least I owe him, is that he gets the chance to explain what the hell is going on."

And that was that.

Lancelot blinked. "Merlin was my friend too.", he said and closed his eyes. "And I saw him kill the king.", he said.
Gwaine shrugged. "If Merlin killed Uther, than he deserved nothing but."

Arthur frowned. "You're talking about my father here.", he reminded him.
Gwaine blinked. "No. I'm talking about Merlin.", he said. "No offense, princess. But I met your father once. And I would rather like to pretend I never did."

Arthur took another deep breath, while Lancelot contemplated all of what Gwaine just said. The blatant loyalty he displayed towards a man he only an hour ago had wanted to kill.
With every sentence, Gwaine's confidence in his own decision and opinion grew. And Lancelot knew this was a fact very hard to ignore.

"I really don't know why you guys are still considering. But look around, guys. The sword Arthur is holding in his hand was made by Merlin! FOR Arthur. If that's not proof enough of his loyalty to you, then I don't know what is! You've been LIVING with him, Arthur.
Only minutes ago you were ready to give up your entire destiny, your kingdom for him!
What the hell did you see that you hate him now!"

Arthur had no response to that. "Merlin tricked me.", he said slowly. But Gwaine looked like Arthur just physically hurt him with that.
"How.", Gwaine said. But it wasn't a question. "By taking care of you? By spending time WITH you? By doing everything YOU wanted him to do?"

'How on earth does he know what my life with Merlin looked like?', Arthur wondered embarrassed. Did Gwaine really know Merlin that well? Or did he know Arthur's and Merlin's relationship that well?

"Look. Mate.", Gwaine continued.
"When we arrived here, you said you had just realized you were the prince. And you KNEW that Emrys had killed Uther. You must have KNOWN that Merlin killed your father.
And still you told us not to tell Merlin. Because you wanted to stay with HIM.
You told us Merlin doesn't even know you're the prince!"

Arthur opened his mouth, but Gwaine cut him off. "You remembered more than the murder of your father, didn't you? What exactly do you remember that now you suddenly changed your opinion of one of your closest friends?"

Arthur didn't answer this time. How could he explain to Gwaine that he had thought he loved Merlin? That even now his guts burned from knowing that he had married a liar.
Someone who hid his true self from him for years!
Who made him forget the people he really loved! For what? His own benefit? His own -

'But Merlin was forced to do this.', the sane voice in his head replied again.
Arthur shook his head. 'He wasn't forced to marry me! I have every right to be angry with him. He killed my father and I never had the chance to actually grief for him. He made me forget about my feelings for Gwen. He made me fall in love with him. He -'
The sane voice sounded hurt at that. Was Arthur going insane?
'You're right. He was never forced to marry you. But he did so anyway. You've spend a year with Gwen. You never fell back in love with her.', it reminded him.
'He never enchanted you.'

'And how can I be sure about that?'
'...', There was no response anymore. His sane voice unsure about that part.

'He took over my kingdom. He served a monster. He became one, when he slaughtered innocent people.'
Arthur wondered why he continued right now. Why he kept asking his sane voice to tell him again and again that 'Merlin never had a choice.' Arthur wanted to hear that Merlin didn't enchant him.
That he realized that desire made Arthur stop in his thoughts.
But the voice kept quiet. And Arthur's heart stayed in shambles.

Arthur shook his head. Gwaine looked disappointed.

"We should talk to him.", Lancelot finally spoke up. Certainly surprised that right now, he was the only one capable of defusing the situation.
Freya was keeping quiet still.
"He needs to remember too.", Lancelot said. But Arthur shook his head.

"He would kill me.", he said and grabbed his sword tighter.
Gwaine was being furious. "He would never."
"He tried before.", Arthur said, staring at the sword. Remembering his last vision.

That seemed to have shaken Gwaine a little. And Lancelot as well.

Now, it was Freya who spoke up. "We need to get going.", she said softly. "Or rather, you three need to, before Merlin notices your absence.
Camelot awaits."
She turned to walk back to the lake, so Gwaine stopped her.
"You're not coming with us?", he asked. Not even sure what they were supposed to do in Camelot. Or how they were supposed to continue at all – since they were all stuck in this conflict that none of them knew to resolve.

"No.", she said weakly and locked eyes with Arthur.
"You know.", she said. "What you said earlier – Katie is not the only one who grew up feeling like a monster."
Arthur turned his head to her. He felt like he had seen her before. But only briefly – in Camelot...

"When I was alive -", she said and Arthur gaped, surprised to learn that she was dead. Because somehow he had never known that.
"I was cursed to become a monster every night.", she said. "And to kill.", she added, like that made it any better.
"Merlin made me believe that I could change. He made me feel loved, even though I knew what I was. And that my curse couldn't be broken."

Arthur remembered her. Oh and how he did now. He had seen her pained face exactly one time.
The day he killed the basted.
She WAS the basted.
Arthur didn't know what he was supposed to feel about that. This was one story too much for his bruised everything.

"I didn't realize then that Merlin was magic itself. That he was much more like me than anyone else I ever met. We wanted to run away together. Live at a lake. With a forest and wildflowers. Far away from any civilization, so I could never hurt anyone.", she said sadly and looked in the direction of the hut that her ex boyfriend lived in.

"You killed me before I ever had that chance.", she said and Arthur heard the two men catch their breaths.
"I don't blame you, really. But I am jealous.", she said quietly. "That you got to live the life I could never have."

"Is that why you talked to me? Why you wanted me to remember? Because you never wanted me to have that life?", Arthur said. But he wasn't really angry at her. Not now, not when that life was in shambles anyway. Not when he still didn't know what to make of Merlin.

"It's part of it.", she said quietly.
"But -", she said and closed her eyes. "You've treated him so much better than I ever hoped I could. I wish I could have just watched him be happy with you forever.
I hated that I knew it had to change one day."
There was another beat of silence, when Arthur never said anything.

"Merlin felt like a monster, too.", she said and Arthur looked up again. "You made him feel loved enough to know better."

Arthur bit his lip. "Our life here was nothing but a lie.", he said and felt like the grasp around his heart tightened again. Freya shook her head.
"That was before.", she said and then – for the first time since they came here – she smiled.
"He always loved you. Even back then.", she said. Those were her last words before she left. Maybe to find Katie and lead her home the way they came.
Maybe she was just going home herself.