"There are so many things I've realized in my life that I feel like not everyone my age goes through," she said to the woman. "It's like..." She shook her head and leaned back. "It's so strange. You think that your life should be stable with your family, and then you see that you literally can't trust them with something that's bothering you so much.

I've been told my entire life that I shouldn't lie to my mother because she's the one that would help me through my life and my problems. But I didn't know that well as a kid. I never told anyone anything bad about my life, but I did say that I didn't like my dad. I actually use to stay in my room and play games all the time while my mom tried to call me down to talk to her. 

But how much does a kid have to talk about until they get bored? I always got bored about my family talking about things that were ten steps ahead of me in life. Plus, I didn't want to listen to all the yelling that echoed through the house. 

Sadly, I think as I got older and I actually needed her to be there, karma hit me in the face and dragged her away from me. I also learned about her beliefs and realized that she would just get dragged away from my more if I told her my issues. Even when my issues weren't red flag questions, she would get frustrated with me when I said that 'it's not like that' or 'that's not how you should deal with problems.'

So I ended up leaning on friends for support. But only a specific group of people. I actually became a part of someone's family before we separated. Yeah, it was that person that you were talking about before. His family. And to be honest, I never imagined that I'd get that close with his family. It's like having that other family was normal, and it was what I needed to give myself a break from all the stress.

But I distanced from that person. So every time I see him there, I end up leaving. His grandmother always tells me not to leave, tells me to stay for longer. But I can't stay longer. My parents would question my whereabouts. They always do, but if they found out I was staying at someone's house, they'd be... pardon my language, but pissed.

I've learned to trust certain people. It's not normal to not trust your family. You should be able to to some degree. Whether it be for stress at school or work, or telling them about everything that's happened in your life, you should be able to tell them something or once have been able to. For me, I couldn't trust anyone with anything. 

I cry alone in the dark. I scream when no one's home. I fall in love with women when no one's looking...

I can't trust them. Not when they don't know how to help or even not attempt it.

I realized that what they told me about friends knowing my issues was a lie. You can look to friends for support. They're your peers, maybe people around your age that are going through the same thing. But be sure to not just tell anyone. 

I think that's what they got wrong. You can tell anyone you know 100% isn't going to rat you out to anyone. That's what made me so confused. And then I got older. And then I started learning more. And then I... I started wishing for things I knew weren't going to come back.

I wished for my old mother back; the one that used to call me downstairs to talk with her when I didn't need it. 

I wished for my friend back; the one that used to call me best friend when we were forced to separate.

I wished for my innocence back; the one that used to tell me 'I love you' even if I did the worst thing possible."

A tear fell from her eyes as she sighed.

"I constantly tell myself that you're never going to be the same person you were last year, no matter how much you miss them. You can never go back, and you need to accept that and move on. There's no stopping life, and it'll move on without you because that's just the way it is. If it's going too slow for you, too bad. You've gotta slow down with it. Is it going too fast? Sorry. Just gotta run faster.

Heh... I usually keep this mind to myself. These thoughts and ideas that I've learned overtime. I've told people that they don't want my mind. I don't even know how to control it. It makes up stories and scenarios that seem so real to me that when I realize they're not real, it hurts. It hurts because I realize that it's what I want in my life and don't have and never will have. It's all just in my head. It's all fake. It's not real...

If someone created a machine that could look into someone's mind, I would be the first person to sign up. The only reason is so that way I can see what the hell makes me so crazy? Why do I have these insane ideas that are like psychological thrillers to people when I should be focusing on chemical bonds in chemistry? Why do I always feel like I'm trapped in my own home when I should be finishing reading chapter 7 of this novel? Why do I feel like I don't belong in this world when I should be focusing on how to graph the solutions to x^2-6x+8?

I've... I've never in my life felt like this. Maybe it is because I'm a teenager, and teenagers have powerful hormones that can make them snap in two seconds. Or maybe it's because I'm stuck in this body with a mind that doesn't belong where it should. Maybe I was just born to be different.

I'll know at one point— when I'm older and no one can blame my hormones for my issues anymore. I'll know if I need the professional help or not. I'll know when I'll be free of my prison within my own freedom. 

And I have regrets that probably reinforce the bars in my cell. 

I regret not talking to my mom more when she even warned me that she would forget about me if I stayed that way. And look what happened. 

I regret never telling that person how much they meant to me before we separated because of our separate paths. And look what happened.

I regret hating not knowing everything to the world because now that I know, I wish I never, ever knew about anything. And look. What. Happened."

The woman looked at her as she stopped talking and just stared at one spot in the room. "Honey, if you had one wish, what would you wish for?"

She was confused by the certain question, but she had an answer. "I would wish for a do over of my entire life." She looked at the woman. "I would wish to start over from when I first started school. I would love to be the child that was good my whole school like and worked hard for everything. I would love to talk to my mother before she got to that phase in her life of ignoring me the way she does now." She smiled as another tear fell form her eyes. "Maybe she wouldn't even be ignoring me now if I had done something in the past." She took another tissue and patted the bottom of her eyes. "I would love to..." she looked at the ceiling and chuckled sadly, trying to get the other tears to not fall. "I would love to just go back to when I first met that person and just try to keep him close and tell him that I'm sorry for being such... a bitch. Even if he isn't the best person right now, he was amazing before, and I want to cherish that and not take it for granted..."

She took a deep breath. Silence filled the small room. The ticking of the clock was the only thing that kept her in check of where she was. She looked down to the woman's face, and it held remorse. 

"Ky, you know that everything you regret is not your fault, right?" the woman said. 

She nodded. "I know. But I don't know how to wash it off."

"You have people you can talk to. Have you told them about this?"

"I have limited time with them before that person that used to be my friend comes in and breaks the mood for me to talk."

"And about this person... is it the young man that we were talking about before?"

She stared and looked back and forth between the woman's eyes. Her own eyes were red and glassy from the tears. She smiled and nodded without blinking in order to keep the tears back. 

"He was my best friend; his family took my in because my own family wasn't very accepting."

"So do you live with his family?"

"No. I live with mine. I just go over after school and tell my mom that it's for a club or something. They've been a great help in the past year or so."

"I think that you should talk to them more.  Call— you said his grandma helped you, yes?"

"Yes..."

"Call her. Say that you need to talk. If you need a safe place to talk with her on the phone, then you can come in here while I'm not in and close the door."

"I appreciate it, Ma'am. I really do, but I don't want to disturb your work."

The woman waved it off. "I'm usually not in here by the end of the school day. Just come in and I'll let you stay for up to two hours. It's all I can give you before someone becomes concerned."

She smiled. "Is this what help feels like?"

The woman smiled and nodded. "It's a great relief off your shoulders, right?"

She nodded. "I think I should get going before my friends think I got kidnapped."

The woman smiled. "They really care about you, huh?"

"They do. I couldn't be more grateful for them."

"Keep those kinds of people close. It'll take one regret off your list."

She chuckled at the joke. "Don't worry. I've stopped taking those kinds of people for granted."

***************************

She walked through the halls as the students had finished flooding out of the school, eager to go the comforts of their homes and just take a nap because of the long weekend that arrived. She was just fixing her bun that was situated on top of the layer of dark hair that wasn't in the hair tie when she caught sight of a familiar face. He was holding a text book for some class, texting on his phone and looking a little tired, but his eyes held the same energy as he always did when they were younger.

She quickly finished her bun and grabbed his arm as he was passing by. He looked a little confused by who had stopped him, but he blinked in shock when he realized it was her.

"Hey!" He said, a small smile appearing on his lips as he looked at her like he hasn't seen her in decades. "Haven't talked to you in a while."

She pursed her lips. "You told the woman about me..."

His smiled slowly deteriorated and he looked down, feeling a guilt that she knew he shouldn't be feeling. "Did she call you in? Are you mad at me?"

His voice was quiet, almost small in front of her. But she sighed and made him look at her.

"No," she said in a small voice like him. She gestured him to walk with her. "I'm actually... here to say thank you."

She looked behind her to him, and he looked a little surprised. He then smiled again as he walked next to her but kept a small distance between them. The distance seemed too much for her and reminded her of one of her regrets.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked, looking serious.

She nodded, and she became nervous because she already knew what he was going to ask.

"Are... are you keeping away from me because of my antics?"

She blinked her eyes eyes slowly as she looked forwards and turned to walk to the band room where her instrument was located. "Yeah."

He huffed out a small laugh. "You always were brutally honest."

She shrugged. "I don't know how else to answer." She looked to him. "I've just never felt comfortable around people who... hook up with girls all the time and get drunk every weekend when they're underage."

She could see the subtle pain on his face with what she said. "So are we no longer friends then?"

That hit her heart worse than anything she's ever heard or said in her life. She closed her eyes as she walked into the band room and to her locker where her violin was. She put in the combination, messing up a couple times and swearing under her breath, and opened the locker to get out her binder and black case which held a passion of hers. She closed it just enough so it wouldn't lock but seemed like it was closed completely.

She then looked to see if he was still there, and he was. He was just staring at her with curious eyes, waiting for an answer.

She closed her eyes, taking in a shaky breath as tears were forcing their way out. 

He recognized the movement and slowly walked over to her, concerned. She felt him wrap his arms around her and bury her head in his chest as he patted the back of her hair.

"Don't cry," he said in a hushed voice. "Please. I don't want to be the person that makes you cry."

She dropped her violin case, knowing her favorite thing would be safe in there, and she wrapped one arm around him, starting to feel the tears roll off her face. 

"You're not..." she barely choked out. "I just don't know what to do anymore..."

He pulled back and looked at her face. He wiped the tears from her cheeks as he made eye contact with her. 

"What's going on?" he asked. "I've never seen you like this."

She sniffled as she got out of his embrace to pick up her violin and wiped under her eyes for the nth time that day. "Just had a few epiphany moments in the past year or two."

The concern only grew on his face. "Is that why I've seen you at Nana's house so often?"

She looked back and forth between his eyes. "Yeah. My family can't handle these kinds of moments well."

"If you need to talk to Nana, I'll just go into my room if I make you uncomfortable."

"You've changed."

He blinked from the sudden comment. "Meaning?"

"Are you moving on from your antics?"

He realized what she meant and sighed. "I've done a lot of shit in my life, and I want to be a better person for not only my family but also myself. I've got a lot of regrets that I feel like I could've prevented if I weren't so stupid."

Her heart wrenched when the moment his words matched her own earlier that day.

"Maybe it wasn't you fault," she said as she gestured him to walk with her. "Maybe it was meant to happen so you could grow."

He looked at her from behind as he tried to catch up to her fast walking pace. "What's gotten into you? You're talking like Nana."

She laughed and smiled with her teeth showing. "Maybe she's rubbing off on me." She looked to him and slowed down so he could be next to her while walking. "You... don't mind if I go and talk to her, do you?"

He shook his head. "Why would I? I was always confused because as soon as I'd come in, you'd leave in the middle of your conversation. I never minded it."

She pursed her lips. "You mean it? For real?"

He nodded and held his pinky out. "I mean it."

She looked at his outstretched finger, the small inside joke they had that meant a million things to her. She smiled sadly as she linked her own with his.

The two walked together, even if the distance between them was a little too much.