hello, friends xx

i'm so sorry this isn't a regular update. and i know it's been so very, very long since i've last updated. but i missed you guys a lot, and i know people may not have been keeping up with me on my profile or on my instagram, where i've been most active. 

lots has happened in the past couple months. i've entered therapy for my grief, trauma, and anxiety. i finished off another semester of college and have just oneee more left (woohoo 2021 grads!) i also went through the highly stressful process of applying to graduate school, and i've been offered an invitation to interview for a position in the occupational therapy program so wish me luck... i'm very afraid lol. it's all just been a lot of downs and some ups, and i'm taking it all day by day. 

if you didn't know, i hosted a reread along, where i invited you guys to reread memory documentation with me to say a big fuck you to my anxiety and encourage myself to come back. i'm happy to say that on 1/6/21 at 3:31 am, i just finished rereading this entire story as if i was just a regular ol' reader. i've left comments of my own, and i've seen all the comments you guys have left. i hosted this reread-along with me because i knew that this story would be difficult  to come back to. the parallels of losing someone in a horrific way, the grief and healing process, learning to move forward, just all of it, is going to be a hurdle i must deal with as i continue writing this story. but i've come to realize that this story is a blessing in disguise. never before would i be able to have related to my characters and this story as much as i do now. not in such a deep, painful level. how surreal was it to have my own characters – past me – say things that i didn't know i would need to hear later down the road. 

it will be difficult for me to relate so heavily to my characters moving forward. but how beautiful and maybe even healing it can be to have this at such a time in my life. i've always poured my heart into my stories, but it'll really be present now. i'm hoping to find some healing as i come back to my characters and move forward.

it was so lovely to reread this story with you guys. i loved seeing all your reactions. i was right there laughing, crying, swooning, and fangirling with ya. and now that i've done the reading, it's time to get to writing. i've been fangirling over chris and darcy for at least 5 chapters now, and i'm so excitedddd for what's to come next chapter. so i'm going to write damn it – taking little steps, baby steps. the upcoming semester is also approaching (on my 22nd bday, jan 19, woohoo T-T) and y'all know how much i fucking struggle to write during school. but i'll continue my baby steps. even if it means writing on my phone, snippet by snippet. 

and thank you for all your love, prayers, and well-wishes. i've read them all. i'm so grateful for you, you don't even know. don't think i forgot about you these last couple months. my therapist had said the 2 things that have made me light up in session was my boyfriend (lol) and writing – you guys. 

i'm excited to be back. i'll see you soon. 

and megan, again, this is for you. we miss you, angel. the clock hit midnight on 2021, and you played this song on the TV. i hear you. you're somewhere over the rainbow, way up in the stars. love you.