long time no see, my friends. i've missed you guys so much. grad school's been super killer, but more on that later. in a rush to post this, so kindly let me know of any mistakes or typos. enjoy! x

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"Far better than any dream girl is one of flesh and blood. One warm and caring and right before your eyes."

– Grimsby, The Little Mermaid

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CHRIS POV

"And... There's the last of it," Reece announced with one last forceful zip of his luggage.

"Awesome," I said with a huff, demounting from said luggage with a salute. "Glad to be of service, oh struggling zipper. Now we can throw these suckers into the trunk." The rental car was due to be returned in just a little under an hour. Reece and I made good time finishing up the packing as Jessica and Darcy were out having one last coffee with some of their friends.

I helped Reece sweep the room for any lingering belongings. Any hidden charging cables, fallen jewelry, misplaced socks. I placed a mental checkmark on the bathroom, all clean besides some dirty towels in the sink. When I returned to the room, I let out a groan of horror. Reece was down on all fours, ass up, head practically under the bed.

"I can see your asshole, man, can you put that away?" I said with a kick to the area.

Reece swatted my foot away with a grunt and brushed off the area. "Knock it off. I gotta be thorough. I accidentally dropped and left the ring Jessica got me after our engagement in Japan once." He cringed at the memory. "Yeah, it was not a good flight back home."

I nodded, matching his cringed expression. "How did you forg– oh, shit!" Striding quickly over to the couch, I dropped to my knees, covered my ass with one hand (just in case), and reached underneath with the other.

"What's that?" Reece asked, peering over my shoulder as I stood and shook off the dust from the large sheet of paper. He leaned a bit closer, then slapped my shoulder with a holler. "Oh, hey! That's not half bad, little man! You and Darcy went drawing in the park or something?"

"It's what I drew in the competition this weekend when me and Darcy went to the festival. But..." My face scrunched the longer I looked at it. I really caved under the time pressure, and it shows. The rush was evident. It was messy, but not in a good way. The proportions of the buildings in the skyline were wrong and awkwardly spaced. I didn't have time to clean most of the lines. The absence of shading and detail made the whole thing flat. Hell, there were even large streaks of pencil from where crushed lead had fallen and I tried to swipe it away. "We didn't have a lot of time to finish it. Looks kinda shit. And basic. No wonder it didn't win."

I didn't expect it to. I was so thrown off from being thrown into the audience participation thing that I was grappling for something decent to draw and took too long to decide. My first and only thought was Darcy. I left her without warning and my phone was in her backpack, but it was too late to back out. I wasn't one to cower under the eyes of an audience – I even loved to volunteer for the school assembly activities and goof around in front of the whole grade. But this time, I stood on stage with dozens of strangers waiting to judge me on a skill – a hobby – I tended to keep to myself. The pencil in my hand was an unfortunate victim to my sweaty palms. Precious minutes were wasted on the time my focus kept flickering from the crowd scattered across the park's field and my blank sheet in front of me. More people trickled in from the festival than those who trickled out, filling the space with more and more curious eyes and judging minds.

Was Darcy among them?

Darcy... That's it!

The thought of Darcy and the expanse of the view brought back one of the most recent memories from before we left New York. After the weight of some exams off our chests and Richard's birthday coming up, we used our moment to breathe and started focusing on everything we wanted to do for the surprise. Darcy and I took one of our dance practices up to the room after a burnt pizza had stunk up the apartment and Richard vacated us. We found the space on the rooftop to be a better alternative to the cramped space of Darcy's bedroom and living room. The air, the privacy, and the space to move were perfect.

A bold orange sunset blazed the sky that day. I, admittedly, had a blast holding and twirling Darcy during practice. After practice, we sat with a shared Domino's pizza between us, talking until that striking orange turned into a calming navy blue.

This is the memory I tried – and failed - to create. The urge to crumple and destroy the thing spread intensely to my fingertips

"Maybe I should just throw it away," I muttered. I began to fold the sheet, ready to crumple and destroy it, when Reece snatched it from my hands.

"Woah, woah!" he cried out. He laid the paper on the bed and smoothed out the few crinkles I had created. "C'mon, little man. Yeah, okay, this picture didn't win some stupid contest. But can't you see that this picture won you something else?"

I didn't even need to look at him. I knew the exact face he'd be giving me. He's been pulling it often enough since I admitted my feelings for Darcy to him several weeks ago. Still, I reached out and pushed his face away.

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Man!" he whooped with a huge grin on his face and a pump of his fist. "I wasn't expecting you to really go for it on this trip – but nicely done. You fuckin' kissed her, yeah?"

He didn't need a response to know the answer. Warmth pulsed through my body in an electrifying rush at just the thought of her lips against mine.

It only happened the other day, but I've thought of that moment more times than I care to admit out loud. The memory was still so fresh, I could still feel the ghost of Darcy's touch on my entire body. Her legs wrapped around my waist. Her chest pressed against mine. Her fingers running through my hair, my jaw, my neck. Desire hummed through my veins, but I felt fondness for her in every heartbeat.

The night was amazing, but so was the entire day. It was reinvigorating to be somewhere new, somewhere exciting, somewhere with just me and her. Darcy could be so expressive – her face was like a diary if she didn't keep it locked up with a key. But during the fair, for just that one afternoon, I could see all the pages of her. I loved reading the expressions on her face, taking note of what made her feel what. She was elated by the food – we both were – but her eyes were extra wide with bakery and pastry booths. She was always awed by all the craftsmanship, but she was drawn more towards decorative household items and art pieces than jewelry or accessories. And when something slow and melodic came from the stage's speakers in the distance, like a cello solo or a children's choir, she'd turn her face toward the tune every time.

I loved it. I loved seeing her openly bask in life's pleasures when for so long she's been dealing with life's cruel realities. Death has had a strong grip around her heart these past few months. Not just with the death of Sylvia, but also with the tangle of thoughts and feelings she's been working through surrounding the death of Richard's wife and kid. And, of course, all this thinking about death has her fearing for the day it's ultimately Richard's turn. Hopefully this weekend's funeral and us getting back to dance rehearsals for his birthday can help urge her to take steps forward and away from this dance with death.

But now, it was time to head home, and I'm left to wonder what she'll be leaving behind from this weekend.

I thought I felt the tides shift between me and Darcy before, but I didn't expect this trip to rock some serious waves. But when the ripples of this weekend finally settle, what's left? Where do we stand? What will the best friend duo look like when they head back to New York?

I sat on the edge of the bed, blowing a breath through pursed lips. "Hey, Reece? This isn't a stupid mistake, right? Tryna be with Darcy?"

"If you're stupid for trying, then me and Jessica are stupid for wanting it to happen way longer than we should've," Reece answered wryly. "What's up?"

"I don't mean it's stupid for me to like Darcy because Darcy's... Y'know."

Reece snorted knowingly.

I touched my burning neck. "Anyway. Y'know how it is with best friends to lovers. It can be kinda... messy, right?"

"You're talking to the wrong dude." He pointed a thumb to his chest. "Me? Enemies to lovers."

I made a face. "You know I never really bought that."

"I know you didn't, but it's true. Jessica and I were definitely on the other end of the spectrum compared to you two when we were in high school. I'd push her buttons, she'd press mine. Things changed as I got to know her beyond this picture-perfect image I created for her in my head," Reece explained, twisting his engagement band around his finger absentmindedly. "But you and Darce? You have chemistry without an ounce of lethal poison. I know what you're thinking. There's a risk. But that risk you're worried about is always going to be there no matter what relationship you get yourself into. If Darce is the girl, make her your girl. Go for it."

I needed this. I needed another voice to battle the one in my head – the same voice that's been at war with my heart since these feelings for Darce started to get very real. But I wasn't convinced yet. "This risk is different, though," I said, standing to face him. "This risk, this relationship. It's not like it was with Bridgit. It's deeper. There's history. Darce is the girl, but she's already my girl in a completely different way. She's my best friend, Reece. And I don't want to lose her a second time if things get fucked."

Darcy and I were young when she moved away. Still kids. I still thought of her from time to time, but there was a lot to occupy my mind and my time back then. I made new friends, developed other relationships. We both didn't do the best job keeping in touch. But now that she's back, what we have is good. Great, even. But it could be better... Or turn to shit.

"Well," Reece said with a cross of his arms. "This is a risk for the both of you to decide."

I didn't hear from Darcy for the rest of the day after we got back to the city that afternoon. She was ready to be home with Richard. After the weekend she just went through, those two needed to spend some quality time together. And I had to admit, I was happy to be home, too.

Mom had prepared my favorite mango smoothie when I got back, which helped curb the annoyance I had after she forced me to unpack thirty minutes after walking through the door. Dad ordered us food from our favorite Thai place for dinner, and Camryn roped all of us in for a round of her new favorite board game that our grandparents sent her for Christmas. A lot of censoring and cutting of information had to be done as I told them about the trip. The same happened later that night as I hopped on a Discord call with the guys to play some Final Fantasy. Nobody needed to know the soft or heated moments between me and Darce this past weekend – especially since we were now floating between the line of friendship and something more.

Where do we stand? What should I do? These two questions and variations of it kept me in my head all night. But come the morning, as I stood outside Darcy's front door, I felt tongue-tied and at a loss for any course of action. Do I kiss her good morning? If I hugged her, would my body language scream to Richard "I really like your daughter"? Should I stick to a friendly pat on the shoulder good morning?

Instead, I knocked on the door and shoved my hands into my pockets.

"Coming!" came her muffled voice. A second later, the door opened. My hands balled into fists.

Beneath a mint beanie, her hair was loose and wavy from her usual braid. Almost half the strands were caught beneath her black puffer coat that she wore over a chunky white cardigan and leggings.

She's so pretty, I thought, an ache of longing blooming across my chest. She's the best start to my mornings.

"Morning to ya, Chris!" My eyes strayed from Darcy to over her shoulder, where Richard stood watching. At this rate, the stupid grin on my face was damn more telling than any hug would be. I gave him a little wave.

"Richard! Hi, how's it going?"

"Good, good," he replied with an amicable smile. "Speaking of good, my Darcy said you both had a really good time at this festival you two attended this weekend."

I willed my facial features to stay still as my mind immediately flashed to his daughter's body on mine in that god forsaken pool. "Y-yup. It was a lot of fun. You liked the quilt she picked out?"

He nodded. "I'm going to rest my bones under it right now before heading to the café in a little while. Thank you again for going with her this weekend. I'll see you two later. Off to school now."

I nodded and with a quick goodbye, we made for the elevator.

On the way to school, nothing of our kiss or our relationship came up. She recounted her night with him. I recounted my night with her. Neither of us reached for the other's hands – in fact, we both kept our hands very much to ourselves, tucked within our respective pockets. The weight of the unsaid was there, yet neither of us took the step to lighten it. Not then and not during school as we sat with the gang at lunch. Details were skimmed on both our ends as we told them about the trip. The sinking feeling in my stomach deepened as the day went on.

I should bring it up. I know I should. Man up or some shit. But a man can still be nervous, damn it!

I'll ask her tonight, at rehearsal.

We found ourselves on the rooftop again later that evening, our new designated practice dance floor. The whole gang was up there tonight, with the boys idling, watching, and doing homework as Marissa began teaching us the steps to the ending sequence. At this point of our dancing journey, Darce and I found the footing to be something we've done before or just a lot less technical. We seemed to get it down pat within the forty minutes we were out there. Things were going great. Everything unsaid was momentarily forgotten as Darcy and I moved across the rooftop together.

That is, until Cooper had to open his fat mouth.

I should have expected it. For the finale move, I had to bring Darcy down into a dip. As I lowered her slowly into the position, Cooper's voice rang out from behind us, "Now, kiss!"

Goddamn it.

To make things worse, Bryson followed him with a loud whoop of his own. "Do it! Kiss!"

My face was ready to go up in flames as the two idiots began to chant relentlessly, pairing each word with a pound to the table. "Kiss, kiss, kiss!"

My eyes were wide. So were Darcy's. We were frozen in position.

But I could do it. I could kiss her right now and let everyone know exactly what was going on here. But as I stared down at Darcy, I saw it clear as day – the panic and indecision.

Her face made the decision for me. The will from a moment ago slithered back into the shadows of my heart and I straightened, bringing Darcy with me until she stood stable on her two feet. Then I stepped back.

"Knock it off, guys!" I shouted, turning to the guys where they sat at a beat up wooden table. My chest tightened as I added, "Not going to happen. You know it's not like that."

"Yeah, yeah," Bryson said with a wave of his hand. Philip slapped both of their shoulders wordlessly.

"I-I think that's enough for today," I heard Darcy say. "We can practice again maybe this weekend."

I couldn't look at her as I sat down at the table, watching the guys pack up their homework and collect their trash. Marissa came to stand behind Philip, and my lips tightened. It wasn't hard to catch the suggestive faces Marissa gives Darcy sometimes when we're together, but today there was none of that. No sign that Darcy had told her privately what happened on our trip. Nobody seemed to know. And maybe, it was going to stay that way.

I collected my things with the rest of them, avoiding Darcy's gaze as I did. Maybe it's too early to talk about it. Or maybe, this thing between us wasn't going anywhere at all. As we headed towards the exit, the slightest brush of Darcy's hand against mine as I walked past her made me freeze.

Oh.

Marissa turned to us, using her foot to prop the door open. "You guys coming?"

"I..."

Again, there it was. The faintest touch, Darcy's shoulder against mine.

"I left some of my mom's containers at Darcy's apartment, and she asked me to grab them for her," I answered. "You all go ahead. We'll see ya in the morning."

Marissa looked between us for a beat, the quirk of a smile turning sly as she nodded and said, "All right. Keep warm, you two."

And then, we were alone. The weight was back. None of us spoke for a moment. That moment turned long, then excruciatingly awkward. To make it more awkward, I turned to her and said, "So..."

"So..." Darcy echoed. She turned to face me, too, but kept her head down. She played with a strand of her hair, just like she would if she had a braid on. A strong, sharp wind rose up suddenly, pounding into us and dousing us with air so cold it felt like a bucket of water had been thrown over us. "Oh, God! Where's my jacket?" Darcy cried, grabbing at her arms for warmth.

I whirled around and jogged over to the table where her puffer jacket had been twisted around the strands of her backpack. "Here, put it on."

"Should've worn a different outfit today," she said as she slipped on the jacket I held in position for her.

"I like this cardigan on you, though. You look beautiful..." The words were out of my mouth without me thinking.

You look beautiful.

Darcy froze. I froze. This was a constant thing today and it had to stop.

I blew out a breath. "Darcy, listen–"

"Do you want me?" she suddenly blurted, turning to me with cheeks ablazed from more than just the frosty air. "Sorry, that sounded stupid. I mean... You know what I mean."

Her lips wobbled in embarrassment, and I breathed out a laugh. She really was the cutest.

I leaned down and rested my forehead against hers. Touched her nose to mine and nuzzled it gently. When I brought a hand up to cup her cheek, her eyes drifted closed and she pressed back against my palm.

"I do," I answered in a whisper. "Want you. Want this."

To prove my point and leave no confusion behind, I closed the distance and kissed her. The feeling of her lips against mine was akin to the flame of a single candle. Soft and comforting, yet still able to make me melt. It felt so natural to hold her like this, to kiss her like this. I wanted to do it more — everyday and in front of everybody and nobody.

Hope that this could really happen bloomed as Darcy broke the kiss and said, breathless, "I want it, too." But as her eyes fluttered open, she gripped my hand and leaned back to look at me. The same look of panic and indecision had returned. "But..."

"You feel worried? Nervous to ruin what we already have?" I guessed. At her nod, I smiled, pressed a kiss to her forehead, and pulled her into a fierce hug. "Me too, Darce. Trust me, I've thought a lot about it, too. I don't want to lose you a second time."

Her grip around my jacket turned fierce, and she buried her face deeper into my chest. "Please, never again," she whimpered.

"But y'know what I thought?" I murmured into her hair. "As much as I don't want to risk a future without you, I'd hate losing a future where I couldn't love you the way I need to."

Darcy's body tightened beneath me. She pulled back sharply, her eyes wide. "You... love me?"

At that I had to laugh. I took hold of her waist and lifted her, twirling her around and around in my arms until she was shrieking and laughing with me. "Do I love you? Of course I do!" I exclaimed. "I always have. You're my best friend, Darce, and you always will be. But the big question is, when did that love start looking like a different color?"

And when did it? When did the color of my feelings for this girl shift from yellow to the most beautiful shades of pink and red? I shook my head. I didn't know when, but I did know that I wanted to experience life with her through this new lens.

I put Darcy back down to the floor and led her to where our backpacks still were. "What's wrong?" she asked me, peering over my shoulder as I rifled through my bag.

"I wanted to give you this." I produced the familiar large, folded up paper and handed it to her. When she opened it, her hand flew up to her mouth in a gasp.

"Chris!"

I smiled and took it from her. Walking over to the edge of the building, I positioned the paper up right up to where the sun was beginning to set behind the line of buildings. In comparison to my drawing versus the actual skyline, the buildings were completely wrong besides one large apartment building on the left and a billboard near the center. The color of today's actual sunset was the most underwhelming shade of orange compared to the brilliant orange I had colored the sky in my picture. But in the middle of it all, standing at the edge of the roof, was the centerpiece of it all.

"Is that me?" Darcy asked, reaching out to trace a finger over the figure that was, indeed, her. Instead of catching any sleep last night, I took the picture from the contest last weekend and fixed it up. Cleaned the lines, made some adjustments, added the colors. I put Darcy right in the middle, positioned with her arms bracing the roof's edge as she gazed out into the city she called home. From this position, it was as if someone had snapped a picture from behind her.

"I had you wear that dress your aunt sent you. The black one that used to be Evellyn's."

"It's absolutely perfect," she whispered, shaking her head. "You're perfect. And... you've made it extremely hard not to fall in love with you."

"R-really?"

My heart was thundering against my chest as Darcy placed the paper down and stepped closer. This time, it was me leaning into her touch as she took my face softly into her hands. "I love you, too, Christopher Radley. Always have, always will. How could I not when there's just so much of you to love?"

The overwhelming joy mixed with this sense of relief and disbelief made for an indescribable feeling as I took Darcy into my arms and kissed her again. We practically melted. Desire and fondness coursed through my veins. My head felt so light that I grounded myself by pressing Darcy against the wall of the building's exit. I reveled in the press of her lips and body against mine. After spending weeks getting to know the way Darcy moves and feels in dance, it was electrifying to explore her in a whole different way. We kissed until not even this closest of contact could keep us warm from the evening air. The two of us were practically shivering as we collected our things.

"So..." Darcy murmured, touching her fingers to her swollen lips. "Where do we stand now?"

I considered this for a moment, then took her hand in mine and brushed a kiss against the knuckles. "Well," I said, "For right now, let's just say we're just two kids in love."

hello, hello, everbody!!! AH how i've missed you guys. i know it's been a while :( as many of you know, i started graduated and then started graduate school back in the summer of last year and it's been nonstop hectic stress since then. i don't even wanna rehash on it lol. but when you're reading this, i'll actually be starting up my spring semester. it's also a day before my 23rd birthday! school's been killer and my mental health is still a struggle, so i'm pretty nervous to go back, but i've made some really great friends that help make ever day a bit brighter. shout out to my locas.

these far and few in between chapters are the reality of being a stressed out college student, so thank you for sticking it out with me. the ball will continue to roll as we get closer to the end! but it's definitely not over yet!

okay, i really have to sleep now. the best way to keep up with me, as usual, is to follow my instagram trxblehearts. i'll try to do better at posting some of the cool things we do in grad school (but also part of my is like lol does anyone even care LOLLL pls let me know T-T)

leave your questions, comments, reactions down below. i read every single comment and i love chatting. today's chapter question is: what's your favorite memory from 2021?

alrighty - time to go back to school and turn ~23~

see you when i see you x