this chapter's dedicated to my friend emma. thank you for being my webtoon/ exercise/ book buddy <3 

kindly let me know of any mistakes/typos, and enjoy the chapter! xx

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"I was so upset, I forgot to be happy."

- Eeyore, Winnie the Pooh

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I left Bryson's place before any of the others did. Not gonna lie, part of me was relieved since Chris was trying to convince everyone to watch a new horror-thriller film that had just been digitally released. I could stand bit of horror, but it wasn't something I really wanted to get into tonight. I had to get home to Papa before he went to bed. I had to. My recent talk with Suzie was never something I brought up, and judging by the dynamic of our relationship with her these past years, my hasty note was probably not enough to quell the confusion he must have had when we woke to a box of things from her.

I arrived home to a mostly dark and silent apartment, aside from the glow coming from Papa's room and the faint noise of his bedroom TV.

"Papa? I'm home!" I peeked my head in only to find Suzie's box of things sitting on top his bed, but no Papa to be found. "Papa?"

His muffled voice called out from in the hall, "Bathroom!"

"I'll go change and come back then," I replied, but feeling a pull towards the box, I stepped inside his bedroom instead. Everything was still in there, and it was more neatly organized than when I had stuffed everything inside in my rush to get to school. The black dress was there, too, folded beneath the package of M&M's that had already been infiltrated. Then, an idea struck me.

I had just closed the door to my own bedroom when Papa came out of the bathroom. I called to him that I'd be out in a minute and quickly stripped off my clothing, ignoring the wisps of guilt that began to gather in my heart as I reached for the black dress and pulled it over my head. The bodice of the dress was comfortable in a velvet-like fabric, but it was a bit too big on my form. The sides of the dress needed to be taken in a little, and there was definitely some extra room in the chest area. Otherwise, tying the string around the waist helped to better fit the dress's hourglass silhouette to my figure. The skirt, made of a flowy polyester, landed right below my knees. I couldn't help but do a small spin and revel in the feel of the fabric gliding around my legs. The necklace, its weight something I constantly took notice of throughout the day, moved with me. The neckline was just low enough to make the necklace visible. I gripped it as I took a look in the mirror behind my door.

I let out a laugh.

My current state didn't do the dress justice. My hair was a mess from my knitted hat and just the general course of the day. Practically all my baby hairs were out, and there were strands of my hair sticking loose out of my braid. My lips were dry and cracked from my constant mouth breathing. What little makeup I did wear had all essentially been rubbed off; there were even bits of dry mascara on my cheek. I'd really have to enlist London's help to make sure I did Evellyn's dress justice during the party because my current look was definitely not cutting it.

I didn't have much time to even attempt to spruce myself up when I heard Papa call for me again. "Darce, where are you, honey? I want to talk to you."

In an attempt to not look so disheveled, I quickly wiped the flakes of mascara off my cheek and fumbled around my bedside table for some lip balm before sweeping out into the hall towards Papa's room. I stopped abruptly, just outside his door, and took a deep breath before stepping in.

Papa, with his pajamas and reading glasses on, sat perched at the edge of his bed, peering into Suzie's box. When he looked up and saw me, he lit up.

"Well, that's the pretty dress that was in the box, isn't?" he asked, holding his hand out for me to take. I took his hand and he stood, guiding me into a twirl. The skirt flowed perfectly as I spun. "It looks really quite beautiful on you."

"It was actually Evellyn's," I replied meekly. The wisps of guilt had turned to fog in my heart. My brilliant, spontaneous idea was dimming now that I stood in front of him. What was I thinking wearing her clothing? I cursed mentally to myself, but Papa's smile grew even wider. He sat back down and I kneeled down in front of him. The skirt pooled around me as I sat.

"Is... is it okay for me to wear it, Papa?" I asked him.

"Of course it's okay, honey. It's just some clothing."

"Even this?" I reached for the necklace with the branch charm. "I wore it all day at school today. Suzie sent the matching pearl earrings. They were hers, too. I know they're just clothing and jewelry, but..."

It just felt wrong to wear things that were not given to me by the owner. I closed my eyes as Papa pressed a kiss to my forehead, followed by a playful poke right in the center. "Keep worrying yourself over things like this and you'll get matching wrinkles with me by the time you're twenty. Stop it, Darcy. Don't trouble yourself over this. As you said, they're just clothing and jewelry, and I think you look lovely."

I felt the fog over my heart lift a little. He was right. I nodded and got up to sit next to him on the bed. We peered into the box together.

"Suzie sent a lot of different things over. I didn't know she knew the address." He gave me an expectant look, waiting for an explanation. I gave him the snippet of the truth (cutting out everything about the dance, of course).

"And I told her about how we spread some of Evellyn and Gray's things around the house. I guess she wanted to give us a bit more," I finished.

"Well, that's very kind of her," he said. I didn't know what to make of his somber tone and expression.

"Well, yeah. Isn't it, Papa?" I prodded. "She even sent a few photos." I reached for the envelope and pulled out the four photographs. Papa softened at the sight of them, delicately taking them from me. He flipped through them, handling them with such care, you'd think the photos would crumble with too rough of a touch.

"Yes, it was very kind of her to do that," he answered with more softness. "Do you think you can frame these, just like how you did with the other ones?"

I dropped my head against his shoulder and gazed down at the photos with him. "Of course, Papa." My eyes slid from Evellyn's smiling face to the bag of M&M's. "And I see you've already helped yourself to the candy."

"Oh, you know you can't just leave chocolate lying around. I'll sniff it out like a bloodhound."

I shook my head. "Watch that intake, Papa. But why don't you help yourself to a few more, as a viewing snack? Suzie sent me something else that you've not seen yet. You might want to put on your glasses," I said as I grabbed by phone.

It was time. It was finally time. I wasn't sure how to feel – nervous or excited? I was feeling heavy doses of both as I pulled up the wedding video on my phone and, with Papa's glasses secured, pressed play.

I had watched this video maybe five times tonight, and I was moved each time I saw it. But this time, my eyes were solely on Papa. When the video first began and he realized what it was, he dissolved into surprised stuttering and sounds of disbelief. Then, as the dance began, he fell silent in rapt attention. I could only wonder what was going on inside his head as he watched such a precious moment in his life. Maybe I had disappeared completely and he was transported far away. Did he feel like he was watching on the sidelines, or was he right there with his past self, holding the love of his life on one of the happiest days of his life? As the performance slowly came to an end and past Papa lowered Evellyn down for a dip and a kiss, a tear rolled down present Papa's cheeks. It was followed by another, and then another. I immediately lowered the phone and wrapped my arms around his neck. He hugged me just as tight.

"I love you," I whispered to him.

"I love you, my little north star."

I don't know how long we stayed like that, but I'd stay like this all night with him if I had to. I've seen Papa cry at a few sad movies, but nothing like this. It broke my heart, and I was worried that showing him the video had made him more hurt than happy. I was relieved beyond belief when he eventually perked back up and asked to watch the video again. Instead of tears the second time around, there was just an enormous, bright smile.

That smile.

That smile is what I hoped to see when Chris and I perform for him. No matter how well we'll be able to execute this, having Papa smile like that was the bar I was setting.

Later, I left Papa's room with a promise from him that he would read a few stories from Evellyn's childhood storybook. I went to change out of the dress and realized upon entering my room that I forgot to let Chris know I got home okay. Once I was in my pajamas, I took a seat by my window, a makeup wipe in one hand and my phone in the other. He picked up after a few rings, and I shook my head at myself as I felt my heart sing at the sound of his voice.

"Hey. Get home okay?" he asked.

"I did. Papa's waiting for me in his room, though, so I can't stay too long," I said. I asked him how the movie was and what else he and the gang got up to before jumping into a recap of everything that had happened since I got home.

"Man, just imagine what his reaction will be like when we perform it for him," he said once I finished.

"Right?" I let out a deflated sigh. "We'll be able to do it, right? This dance?"

"I'll try my hardest, Darce. I don't want to let you down."

The sincerity in his voice made my heart swell. "I know you don't. Thank you."

Having Marissa to guide us through the entire process was an enormous help. And after seeing the dance in its entirety, I cringe just thinking at the disaster that would be me and Chris trying to teach ourselves. Not only did we have her, but Bryson and Cooper, too? I couldn't be more thankful.

Chris let out a yawn. "Hey, I'll let you get back to your dad. I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?"

"Oh, what for? Did you need something?" I tried to think, then snapped my fingers. "Did I give you your world history notebook back? Totally didn't, I keep forge–"

"No," he said, cutting my sentence short. "You can keep that, actually. I don't need it anymore. I just..." The line went silent for a moment before he said, a bit more quietly, "I just thought we could walk together."

Every nerve in me lit up in excitement. I had to bite my lip and pull the phone away to keep from squealing like a fool. My thoughts turned to Marissa's words earlier in the day. I think Chris might like you, too. Although I didn't want my heart to run away with my caution, I let myself enjoy the thought. Maybe for tonight, I'll let the butterflies in my stomach stay.

I must have taken too long to respond because, even with the phone pulled away from my ear, I could still make out the words, "Is that okay?"

"Yes!" I answered, a bit too quickly. I dialed back my tone and took a deep collective breath. "Yes. It's almost routine at this point. I'll see you tomorrow, Chris."

I could almost hear the smile in his voice as he said, "Can't wait. Sweet dreams, Darce."

When the line dropped, I dropped.

Onto my bed.

And squealed into my pillow.

I woke up the next morning disoriented. Then I realized I had fallen asleep in Papa's bed last night as he read me stories from Evellyn's storybook. Well, story, as I can only remember hearing about four page turns before I drifted off completely.

Luckily, with my phone having been stuffed under my pillow, the muffled sound of my alarm didn't wake Papa. As I shifted, I felt something hard poking me in the back. I turned to find Papa's tablet besides me, a pair of earbuds still connected. The four pictures of Evellyn were on top. Eyes still blurry from sleep but curious to see what Papa entertained himself with last night after I fell asleep, I opened the tablet up, immediately flinching at the onslaught of bright light.

When my eyes adjusted, I was met with the wedding video, paused on a moment I've seen so many times now. A dip and a kiss. I've seen this so much, I could probably picture it behind my eyelids.

"When do you reckon' my memory will fail me?" Papa had asked me last night. When I said I wasn't sure, he said, "Well, age will catch up with me, eventually, hm? Will you save this video for me, honey? I don't ever want to lose it again." After that, I transferred the video to his tablet. He must have watched it once I fell asleep.

"Oh, Papa," I whispered, glancing at his sleeping form.

A chilling thought struck me then. The thought was so painful, I slipped out of Papa's room as quick. But the blow had been dealt. I felt so put off that, after doing the bare minimum of getting ready, all I could do was sit on my floor as I waited for Chris to come. I let out a growl of frustration as tears sprung to my eyes.

I was always crying these days.

But the talk I had with Jessica came back to me. I had permission to feel. I was sad for a reason. So I let the tears come freely.

Completely alone in the solace of my room, the words of my dad didn't haunt me here – not when it was just me. Through my teary eyes, I saw my notebook lying at the corner of my bed. I reached for it, took a pen, and wrote:

The plan is in motion. Marissa is going to help us learn Papa's wedding dance, and Bryson and Cooper are going to perform the music we dance to. I'm ready to learn. The dance is beautiful and special. It's a treasure to Papa, and I can't wait to be able to do the dance with him. But I realized something. Just another one of these depressing thoughts I've been having lately...

Every time Papa dances, he dances with the ghost of her. Soon, he'll be able to dance with me, too. But one day, it'll be me dancing with the ghost of him.

Papa is older. And I always try not to think about how he won't be around as long as some other dads will. I wish he was younger so I wouldn't have to lose him faster. I wish he could live forever so that I don't have to go through life without him...

But with death, there is life. I should be grateful for the life that Papa has given me, and I should continue to be grateful for all the time we have/had. I'm going to work so hard to learn this dance. And I'm going to embrace learning it with my friends by my side.

I'm tired of being sad or guilty.

Today, I want to choose happiness.

I underlined the last words over and over, drew a big smiley face on the page next to it, then snapped my journal shut.

Grief has weighed heavily on my heart for weeks. I've spent countless hours feeling guilt, frustration, and sadness. Since Sylvia's death, I've thought a lot about death. But today? Today, I want to focus on life. Because between the days we wish to jump to, or the days we dread to come, is a beautiful thing called life that needs to be lived.

A moment ago, I felt defeated before the day even began. But I had time to hit the reset button.

I felt a surge of energy course through me as I stood and took a good look at myself in the mirror behind my bedroom door. My cheeks were devoid of color and stained with mascara smears. My eyes were puffy and red again. I've become used to this look. This version of myself has been a frequent visitor.

"But not today!" I said aloud, meeting my own eyes in the mirror.

I traded my sweatshirt and jeans for my favorite long-sleeved yellow dress and boots. I shook my braid out and left my hair completely loose and wavy. I held Evellyn's necklace close to my heart, saying a silent thank you, before putting it on. Then, I left an "I love you" note on the wall right across Papa's bedroom and even left a thank you note for London to find when she came and checked on Papa after getting home. By the time Chris texted that he was coming up, I was already waiting for him at my front door.

"Hello there, good sir. Are you to be my escort this fine Thursday morning?" I regretted my words and my terrible posh accent the moment it came out of my mouth. Chris was instantly amused.

He stopped a few feet away and shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets. For all the dark clothing he wore, I was surprised (and internally swooning, as usual) at his choice of a sky blue hoodie today. His eyes swept over me for just a moment before he, like the cute fool he was, lowered in a deep bow.

"Why yes, beautiful lady, it would be my honor to escort you to your destination." His accent was a thousand times better than mine. I laughed. He straightened and stepped closer to me, our facade dropping as he met my gaze. "You look pretty," he murmured. "No braid today?"

I blushed. "The movies say a girl letting her hair down is supposed to make her feel more relaxed and carefree, right? Thought I'd try it today."

He nodded. "Well, it's nice to switch up hairstyles once and awhile."

"The hairstyle doesn't matter as much. It's the more relaxed and carefree part I'm trying to go for. I just..." I reached up to instinctively squeeze my braid before I realized it wasn't there. My hand dropped to the necklace instead. "I'm tired. Of being sad. I want to be happy today, if I could help it."

I saw the sympathy pass through Chris's features before it was replaced with a hint of something else. Before I could read more into it, his arm was around my shoulder, and we were walking down the hall together.

"Well then, Miss. Darcy, let's have a fuckin' fantastic day. Starting with the powdered donuts in my backpack."

hiya friends <3 hope you enjoyed the chapter. as i was editing this chapter, i found myself really appreciating what darcy's doing here. i'm finding it really difficult to stay positive throughout this year and sometimes i find myself just giving into the sadness for days. but sometimes, after we've sat in our feelings for a while, we can challenge that sadness, switch up our attitude, and do our best to have a great day! so i hope YOU'RE HAVING A GREAT DAY :)

speaking of which, this week's chapter question is: what are things you do to cheer yourself up? let's make this a thread of wholesome activities, tips, and advice <3 not sure why the thread from last chapter's questions disappeared - here's hoping this one won't disappear either.

again, next chapter will come in two weeks! chpt 17 is already almost done. and y'all ain't even ~ready~ for chpt 18 ;)

follow my instagram to stay connected/updated. if you liked the chapter, drop a vote and a comment, and i'll see y'all soon!