didn't expect to see me so soon, huh? i'm telling you - college stops me from writing, but this is summer jess! going to try to write as much as i can before i go back <3

please note that darcy's journal entries have the cursive header. it is not an authors note. super big thank you to @-happybee- for the super cute cover! kindly point out any weird mistakes and happy reading xx

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"Open different doors, you may find a you there that you never knew was yours."

– Mary Poppins.

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New Year's Eve never fails to remind me that everything and everyone has a countdown. Time never stops, and we always find ourselves at the end of something. Today just happened to be the end of a whole entire year. Oh, and me sleeping at this very moment.

I tried my hardest to ignore the numerous incoming calls. The breaks in between each were small, and it didn't take long before the frustratingly annoying vibrations of my phone dragged me from my slumber. As I tugged my phone from where it charged beneath my pillow, I couldn't help the small, frustrated growl.

I answered without thinking. "Hello?" I bit into the phone.

"Woah. Sorry to wake you, Sleeping Beauty," the voice on the other side said. "Actually, no, I'm not. Get up."

My eyes fought a little harder to fight the slumber. This wasn't the voice I was expecting at seven in the morning. "Bryson?"

"Yup, yup. Happy New Year's Eve!" He sounded so awake – cheerful, even. How could anyone be in such a state this early in the morning?

I pulled myself into a sitting position, taking in the signs of early morning, like the faint hue of blue in the sky barely illuminating my room, and the sounds of Papa's snores still vibrating through the walls. "Why are you calling me so early? Everything okay?" I asked.

"Everything's fine. But we're going to all hang out right now. Bagels and some indoor fireworks I got online. I'm going to text you an address, okay? Meet us there."

"Us?"

"Yup," he continued. "You, me, Cooper, Marissa, and even Philip, if we can drag his ass over here. Cooper's calling him now. It's New Year's Eve, and we're going to have some fun. Countdown's begun. Seventeen hours left and time's ticking, so hurry over!" It didn't even sound like he was giving me a choice.

"Wait, but –"

"But what?" he laughed. "Yeah, I know, it's fucking early. But c'mon, Darcy! I'll feed you."

"It's just . . ." My toes curled against the bed. The words, "why are you inviting me?" were stuck in my throat.

Ever since the dance, I've only seen Chris's group a handful of times, occasionally eating lunch with them at school or stopping to talk to them in the halls. All this interaction was prodded on by Chris. But now, Chris wasn't here. He and his family were celebrating the holidays with Rebecca's parents in California. Did he ask them to invite me over knowing that little Darcy would be holed up in her apartment watching holiday movies all month? That's surely what I've been doing, anyway.

But, of course, this was typical Darcy behavior. To question when something good comes along. His asking to come hang out was as normal as asking a new friend to grab a cup of coffee with you. I took in a deep breath in and out, as if I was inhaling confidence and exhaling anything but.

"Text me the address. I'll be there."

✿❀✿

"This totally blows."

Marissa and I exchanged pitying glances as the boys stared down at the disappointment that was the indoor fireworks kit. It held nothing more than a couple small sparklers and a single stick that lit into high, bright flame like that of a sparking birthday candle. It didn't live up to the promised expectations advertised on the box.

Cooper's head dropped. "What a waste."

"It was your idea to get this stupid thing," Bryson muttered, throwing the empty box onto the floor beside him.

Cooper tossed a glare at his friend. "No, it was my idea to get some cool indoor fireworks to do, not crap indoor fireworks," he retorted.

Philip sighed from where he rested on the couch, head on Marissa's lap. He covered his eyes with his arm and said, "Can't believe you dragged me here for some stupid sparklers."

"But sparklers are pretty, aren't they?" Marissa offered, running a hand through his unruly curls.

"Always." I reached out and took one from the plastic wrapping. "You can't go wrong with some sparklers."

They weren't the most exciting thing in the world, but they were pretty to do all the same. Too bad it didn't satisfy the boys' desire for something more exhilarating. Cooper let out another disappointed sigh and stood. "I'm making hot chocolate. Anyone else want some?"

"Coffee for me or I won't stay awake to ring in the new year tonight," Phil muttered. His eyes still drooped with exhaustion.

The rest of us agreed on hot chocolate, and Marissa rested Phil's head on the couch as she joined us on the floor. "We might as well light these sparklers, right?"

We shut the blinds, trying to block out as much sunshine as we possibly could. It was still early, but the winter morning light was approaching fast. Once we made it as dim as we possibly could, Bryson lit his sparkler first. I touched the tip of mine to his until tendrils of light began its wild dance of life. Marissa lit hers against mine.

They weren't jaw-dropping, but they were mesmerizing. Even with the faint sunlight filtering into Cooper's living room, the small but strong light emitting from the sparklers lit up the faces of everyone in the room. I saw Bryson's grin and the way Phil observed Marissa's awe. Cooper came in bearing drinks and he, too, smiled at the sight.

"We should've just gotten a load of sparklers instead of this whole kit," he said rather woefully, setting the mugs down on the table.

Bryson shrugged as the sparklers died much too quickly. "Lesson learned. Maybe I'll see if I can get some before I head to my mom's tonight. The kids will like it, I'm sure."

"My family will make due with last year's noisemakers and hats. Dressing up and being hella loud is their idea of a good time," Cooper laughed.

"Will you and your dad be coming to celebrate with us tonight?" Marissa asked Philip as she joined him back on the couch. He nodded, brushing back a piece of her red hair.

Cooper added a heavy heaping of whipped cream to his drink. "Your mom working at the hospital tonight then?"

"Yes, she is," he answered. He looked at me. The others followed. "What about you?"

"Yeah." Marissa tilted her head, curious. "What are you going to do tonight, Darcy?" she asked.

"Oh, I think my dad and I are just going to chill tonight. Watch the ball drop on TV and all the chaos down at Times Square," I replied.

Bryson nodded, leaning back on his arms. "So, it's just you and your dad, huh? I get it. My parents are divorced, too."

My heart began to pick up pace. I could see where this conversation was heading, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. Everything – the bullying, the rumors, the years of isolation – rattled my brain. I squeezed at my braid.

Caught in the act. Catastrophizing again.

It's not a big deal. We're not kids anymore. I repeated internally, over and over.

I wonder how much Chris told them about me. He may have talked about me to them before, but has he told them about how he met me? How he made friends with a little orphan girl on one crazy night? It's the truth. It's my truth. Why should I be ashamed?

"Not divorced. Adopted." I forced a smile, then focused my attention on collecting everyone's dried up sparklers so I didn't have to see their reactions. "Um, I was in an orphanage when I was six. My dad took me in ten years ago. He's old – seventy this year, but he's the greatest dad I could have ever asked for."

The words showed less resistance coming out when they were about Papa. I could boast about him for hours, to anyone. I could tell them about how he would buy me sugary cereal for dessert only, not breakfast. The little bedside fan that he likes to sleep facing towards. All the British movies he likes to watch. How he'll pay any amount of money for tea that tastes like soap (to me).

"I was bullied a lot for it when I was a kid, but I guess some kids don't know any better. He's the best thing to happen to me, so I shouldn't be ashamed," I continued softly.

I was afraid to raise my eyes and survey their reactions, but Marissa was the first to reach out and squeeze my shoulder. "Sorry to hear that, Darce. You really shouldn't be ashamed," she said. "He sounds like a lovely dad." The others smiled and nodded, and I released a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"Yeah," said Cooper. "And some kids are actual devils. Trust me, I would know. Lots of them in the family friend group."

"This is why I don't want kids," Philip whispered to Marissa, to which she dismissed with a "we'll talk about that later" look.

"Sounds like you guys are really close. I'd like to say hi to him some day," Bryson added.

"We own a place called Brewing Café. It's where we first met and now we own it. You guys should come visit. Just look for someone who kind of looks like Santa Claus and that's him."

"Got it." Cooper winked. "We'll drop by next year."

✿❀✿

As the rest of the world was still waking up, the four of us were nibbling on left over bagels and playing games connected to Cooper's TV. By the time I wished everyone a happy new year and left the apartment, I was feeling light as air. Those four lifted me to clouds I rarely ever reached. Just like Chris, they raised my spirits so high that my anxieties and insecurities failed to find me, and I was left smiling and untroubled.

I took that feeling and ran to one of the only other places that I knew would nurture it: to the café. With that dynamic bunch running this place, how could I ever feel like I didn't belong? The Brewing Cafe was a local restaurant. It's a small business with a small staff, but they were the extended family I never had. I could always count on Ben to hug and crack a joke whenever I felt down. Ronnie will surely be one step behind, bearing menacing threats to anyone who dare hurt me. Evan felt like an uncle I could confide in, and the chefs spoil me rotten with treats. They had all my love.

We were open for only a short time today. Everyone came into work to help with the hustle and bustle that came with the last day of the year. I was helping Evan and Ben man the register and tables when Papa came in, bundled in a thick coat.

"Hiya, boss!" Ben greeted as he placed a lid on a steaming coffee cup. He called out the man's order before asking me, "Did you happen to mention where you went this morning?"

"Of course, I did." With a post-it note resting on my bedroom door. I was fortunate enough that Papa had such a relaxed and easy nature. He didn't kick my butt very often (not like I give him much reason to), but obviously his leniency was not to be abused.

I rounded the counter to greet him and wound my arms tightly around his waist. "Good afternoon, Papa," I chirped.

"Oh, she's cheerful today," Papa mused aloud, patting my back as he did so. "Does that mean you had fun with your friends?"

"The best time." I proceeded to tell him about the good time, rambling on and on about how wonderful I felt when I was with them. Papa, being the good ol' Papa that he was, sat and listened to everything I had to say, all while taking bites of his sandwich silently.

"She's in one of the best moods I've ever seen her in," Evan noted as he took Papa's plate away. "What a treat to have you smile so brightly today, kiddo."

His comment only served to make me, and Papa, smile more. "I'd say the same. It's wonderful to see you smile, honey," he said, tapping my cheek. "I think your moods are improving at an incredible rate lately. It's all thanks to that boy, isn't it?"

I answered him honestly, with no hesitation. "It is. Him and his friends. They make me so happy."

Chris himself was enough to brighten my life significantly. But it's also the people and lessons that have come along with him that's been pulling me even farther away from the dullness of my previous ways. I was a little hermit emerging from her shell, experiencing the world bit by bit. It was all so unexpected.

He's been away for nearly the whole break, and I'd be lying to everyone and myself if I said I didn't miss him. This entire day, I have surrounded myself with people who liven up my world up like the holidays. The boy who does it almost effortlessly was all the way across the country, and I couldn't help but wish he were here to bask in my sunlight today.

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Luckily for me, technology has come far throughout the ages. All I've got to say about that is thank God communication was one of the many that benefited from these advancements. Video chatting was not, nor will it ever be, as good as having Chris here beside me, but with him at his grandpa's house and me at Evan's, it was as good as we were going to get. I was able to see and speak to him from across the country, and it was enough for me.

Papa and I ended up spending the evening with Evan and his family. I even begged Ronnie to come along, knowing that she lived a very solitary lifestyle. There was no way I would allow her to be alone today.

I was sitting in Evan's wife's office, away from everyone still finishing dinner. Chris was, well... hiding in one of the guest bedrooms with his laptop on the floor and half his body hanging upside down from the bed.

"And after that, I went to work back at the café," I finished as I twisted around in the rotating chair. "It was a smart idea, having everyone get together so early in the morning. We were able to spend the rest of the day with family and other friends."

"If it was a smart idea, then it probably wasn't Bryson who came up with it," Chris teased. "I can't believe you thought I secretly ordered them to ask you to hang out."

I threw my hands up with a cry of, "I don't know! I just didn't expect them to. It's not like we're super close friends or anything."

He shook his head at me. "That's kinda the goal, Darce, if you'd sit with us at lunch, meet us more in the mornings before school starts, invite them to the café, reply more in the group chat..."

He began to count the list off his fingers and I waved him off with a loud, "Okay, okay!" I pressed my hands against my cheeks and groaned, "It'd be easier if I was more like you."

Chris frowned and pulled himself upwards again. He settled onto the floor and pulled the laptop closer. "More like me?" he echoed.

I brought the chair to a stop. Even if my whole world was tipping in dizziness, I could see the need to hear more was written on his face.

"Calm, cool, and collected Chris. That's what I've always though, ever since we were kids," I explained, resting my forehead down on my arms. "You get along with everyone so well and always find a way to make the best of a situation. I learned that the first time I met you."

Chris was no more than a complete stranger when Reece took me with him to his apartment. I was already rattled to begin with because of everything that happened that night. Honestly, I wanted nothing more than to go back to the orphanage and seal myself under a blanket so tightly that nothing dangerous could take me away again. I'd feel safe. Chris, on the other hand, didn't bat an eye when he walked in on a bleeding Reece who'd brought home a little girl. Nope. He offered me a drink, took me to his room, put on a Disney movie, and taught me to play his favorite toy. Calm, cool, and collected. Then and now.

"I like you just the way you are." I pulled my face from my arms and rested my chin on top. Chris stared back at me intently. "Doubtful, down-to-earth, and daring when need be. That's the Darcy I know. You don't have to wish to be like me or anyone else. You're you, and that's perfectly perfect."

At this, not only did I try my hardest not to hide my face, but also the reflexive urge to doubt and deny. Chris is sincere. I should take his compliments and keep it close, not send it back at him with a stamp of more self-doubt. Still, while I struggled to do both, I failed at only one.

Chris laughed heartily as I hid my face back in my arms. "I would add adorable to the list, but it would kill the first letter trend we have going on."

"Well, I could easily add charming and charismatic to your list," I mumbled into my sleeve.

"What was that?" he asked, sounding amused and smug.

"I should've known not to inflate your head any bigger," I replied back, pushing against the table with my foot so that I did one more spin on the chair.

He leaned his head back against the bed. "Listen, let's stop ignoring the world now. They're all celebrating right now. Let's go join them. You'll hit midnight before I do, so go have fun."

Though I couldn't help but feel down that he wasn't here to celebrate with me, I smiled all the same. We had our own little celebration right here, together. "Thanks, Chris. You always say exactly what I need to hear."

He winked. "See you next year."

And at that original knee-slapper of a line, I logged off and joined the others in saying goodbye to this year and hello to a new one.

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Lol like High School Musical.

Today was the best. Literally the best it could have possible been. This morning I had the best time with Chris's friends (Bryson, Cooper, Marissa, and Philip). I know I've talked about it in here before – about how I was just overall anxious to make "new friends." But they're just as cool as Chris. Maybe I'll tell them one day how much it meant to me that they invited me to hang out with them this morning. I feel more comfortable and closer to them now that I had this experience with them, even without Chris there.

I really miss him. We talk every day, and we were able to video call today, but I still really miss being with him. He comes home soon, though, and I can't wait. He was being all sweet to me earlier ... i'll have a stupid smile on my face if i think about it.

Plus, Happy New Year! We spent today with Evan, his family, and Ronnie (because I got her to come hehe). Most of the just adults drank a lot. Ronnie even tried to give me some champagne. I took a sip, but it tasted gross. So I ate most of the cheese platter. And now it's a new year!

Today was a reminder about all the great people that have come into my life. Papa's my literal forever hero. And Chris can make me smile without even doing anything. His friends are so nice, and I hope to get closer with them this year. I've got London just right across from us. I work with the best people in the world with some of the nicest customers, too. And Jessica texted me today that she and Reece were going to come see me once they get back from Florida. I haven't seen Reece in so long, it'll be so crazy to see him again.

I'm just super excited! Just writing this has me all pumped. I don't know, today just made me hopeful and ready for this year. We'll see how long that lasts. Life's unpredictable that way, but at least I'm heading into the New Year with a promise of something good.

-DH

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this was one of the previously written chapters that i rewrote/edited. there's only ONE more chapter from the previous draft, and then we'll be back to new content, which i'm excited for. i'm trying to do a bi-weekly schedule, but i'm also trying to stash up some chapters so that when i do go back to school, i'll have some content for you and not leave you hanging for 5 months :/  we'll see. i'm doing my best!

i forgot to do a c.q. (chapter question) in the last chapter, so for this one: do you remember when you met one of your really great friends? i used to play roblox when i was younger and i met a girl that i still talk to now! talk about online friends, huh?

also note: that i made a new twitter account since my old one has morphed into a personal one. it's still the same handle as the old one and as my instagram, which i'm having so much fun posting on stories and interacting with you all. do follow me on my socials if you'd like to keep up with me/chat in between updates! i often let you guys know when i'm writing, when i need opinions, etc.

please let me know what you thought about the chapter <3 see you soon!