°°°

"I wasn't alone, plenty of them were with me. Still, I felt so lonely."

°°°

"You don't have to talk to me. I want you not to look through me. I want you to look at me and see me for who I am. As I remember, I haven't done anything bad to you. If I remind you of someone who did, please don't involve me. If you like me, by any chance, what's the point of avoiding me? To get my attention? Such a stupid strategy. My attention is on you, yes, but I don't feel like liking an idiot."

"Why am I bothered? I'm Byun Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun works on himself. But if you find me non-existent, is there something to work on? You want me to change entirely. Why would Byun Baekhyun do that? I'm not sure and I hate it. You enjoy it, don't you? You enjoy breaking unbreakable just like this - while doing nothing. You're so smart, Chanyeol, but Baekhyun... Baekhyun is smarter."

Baekhyun remembered his own words he had told Chanyeol before, as he finally found himself outside the room, walking down the hallways with a sort of relief filling his heart. Which wasn't complete.

Words he told once were so effectless, and he finds the situation of touching Chanyeol's precious stuff to make him speak up finally so funny. So weird. So crazy.

They didn't speak after they brushed their teeth and sat down on the bed. Nothing. Both sides were silent, as expecting the other one to speak first. But nothing happened.

It couldn't last long because Jongin was there to interrupt by unlocking the door and breaking the silence that was the most intense one two caged boys shared.

Baekhyun didn't waste any second as he rushed out of the room, wordlessly, without minding Jongin's presence.

But dark-skinned boy did good job indeed. It'd be fair to let him know.

As Baekhyun grabbed the door knob of his very room, he knew something was off, or more like - normal.

Luhan was locked in the room, Baekhyun could swear.

"Luhan, open the damn door!" He shouted and called, but nothing could fight Luhan's stubborness. What a bitch, Baekhyun thought as a sigh of disappointment and annoyance left his parted lips.

Hesitantly, with a little bit of hope that Luhan will open the door, he took his way towards the lounge where his first lesson is held. He didn't have any notebooks but he always takes notes. A bad day indeed. Partly.

He took a seat in the back of the class, ignoring all the whispers and longing stares. If he was in a little bit brighter mood, he'd throw some flithy phrases and teasing winks. But he was so done with everything and he only wanted his small bed, warm coffee and some more time to recall what had happened.

Chanyeol talked to him.

Even if those were just a few words, he couldn't help but repeat them all over and over again, making them sound so melodious even if they were more like broken CD actually.

He wanted more words directed to him. Although they're cold, firm and almost emotionless, although they might somewhat hurt or break him, Baekhyun wanted them. He was so desperate for more. Being ignored would do worse anyways. Being ignored felt so bitter.

Everything made him so afraid about his own self and his mental state but it was too early for him to admit that. He is supposed to fine at least in front of others, but what was he like? Hiding away from everyone's stares. He didn't want that and he had just a little bit of strength to keep himself up as he used to be.

But Chanyeol does magic to his mind, directing it his way every single moment. It was crazy.

Baekhyun wondered what was up with the box of shoes. Obviously, box didn't keep what was supposed to be there, but something else, something important. Something that even Baekhyun, who was no one and nothing, shouldn't know about.

No matter how curious he is, he wouldn't even try to find what was it about.

Chanyeol's voice, when he ordered him not to touch it, was stern and serious. His gaze was frightening, almost shooting bullets. His grip on younger's hands was firm and unmoving, until Baekhyun let his guard down, closed his eyes and lowered his head down in obedience.

Everyone could tell Chanyeol was more than serious.

Baekhyun is honest: he'd gladly push his nose into Chanyeol's life just if Chanyeol hadn't witnessed his seizure which was the one to group in bigger ones. He couldn't risk his stable image that easily. After all, it already started swaying  like a fragile rose petal that threatens to fly away from others any second.

He should be smarter than that and patiently wait for the moment it's all revealed by itself. He could be patient.

He sighed heavily one more time, rubbing his palm against his chest as if he was trying to erase all of those unwanted and unnecessary feelings. They were taking his breath away by creating enormous tension that weigh so much that Baekhyun is almost unable to hold it up.

"Hey, Baek, how was the last night?" Unexpectedly, Sehun lowered himself on the seat beside Baekhyun's taking latter by surprise. Sehun decided to talk to him. Finally. A slight triumphant smile got drawn on Baekhyun's lips, but it quickly slipped down. He realized what Sehun was shooting at. Last night.

"You all know that we were stuck in the room, right?"

"Mhm," Sehun nodded. "The rest of us was in Kris' and Jongdae's shared room. We had pretty good time. You have no idea what kind of possible scenes of you and Chanyeol alone we had thought of." He wiggled his eyebrows as older rolled his eyes at how dumb he was, as if he didn't know what's Chanyeol's attitude towards Baekhyun.

"Jongin's plan wasn't successful at all, thank you very much." Baekhyun pulled Sehun's notebook to his side of desk and began drawing weird stickmen, trying to drift his mind away from the very moment of self-harming and crying unstoppably so openly in front of someone else. "But," he continued, "In the morning, Chanyeol talked to me. Kinda."

"What?!" Sehun exclaimed way too loudly as his eyes popped out of his sockets. "Are you fucking serious?" There came a hard slap on the desk which caused commotion he wasn't even aware of.

It was the most unexpected thing to come out of Baekhyun's mouth. Sehun was stunned.

"Mr. Oh, you're disturbing my lesson again. Please, be kind enough and leave the classroom. Make sure to bring Mr. Byun as well." Professor Min ordered as she knowingly glared at the two through thick pair of round glasses. With sighs of annoyance, they left the classroom just like they were told. Sehun closed the door painfully slowly on purpose, with a small audible click.

"You couldn't keep quiet, could you?" Baekhyun half-shouted, because really, education was important.

They found themselves in the main hall and took their seats on the neat wooden benches positioned by the glass wall near the entrance.

"Her classes are boring anyways. Everything good she has is that booty that's still nothing compared to mine. I have no plan to stress because I'm not attending her class." Younger shrugged.

"Blah, blah..."

"Booty aside, tell me more about this morning's miracle." Pleading eyes were burning holes in Baekhyun's own and he had no choice but to give in and talk to Sehun about it.

"That's why you started talking to me all out of sudden after our small argue? You want more material to gossip about."

"I never took the argue seriously, but that's not the matter right now. Don't avoid the topic and talk about Chanyeol."

Baekhyun released a sigh and rolled his eyes again. "I guess he just doesn't want some precious things of his to be touched."

"Oh, what did you touch? Gosh, sounds kinda dirty. But knowing you..."

"Box of ugly shoes. Dirty enough."

"What? Seriously? His precious shoes? What an idiot." Sehun stared at Baekhyun in disbelief. Smaller one didn't want to say that the shoes weren't there actually. The box was too light in his hands for it to be a pair of shoes, as if more than a half of the box was actually empty.

Once shoes are used, who uses their box for them anyways?

Baekhyun leaned his head back on the glass and closed his eyes. Sehun stared quietly and could tell Baekhyun looked really beautiful like that, with autumn's scenery behind and weak sunlight coming through his honey locks. He seemed peaceful and calm which younger didn't want to destroy by opening his mouth again. Instead, he imitated Baekhyun's position, clueless about what a mess Baekhyun was inside.

"Yeah, idiot."

•••

With door bell ringing, two friends entered small yet pretty decent flower shop. Baekhyun's favourite.

Older looked around with sparkles shining in his eyes while other one kept sighing, giving off an image of someone who isn't interested at all. After all, he was dragged inside. He couldn't name any flower of those and didn't even mind. They were nothing special and definitely not worth his knowledge.

"I can't believe you're poker faced in front of bunch of those beautiful flowers, Sehun." Baekhyun commented as he approached the shelf of roses he adored so much himself. Gently, he caressed fragile petals and smiled almost unnoticeably. Roses were special. Roses were precious.

"You love roses, don't you, Baekhyun?" Voice of a boy who Baekhyun didn't expect rang in his ears and he raised his head to meet curious small eyes of the owner.

"You smell of roses. Strongly." A boy  continued as he took several steps towards Baekhyun and ruffled his hair in a friendly manner. Baekhyun stepped aback and brought his hair back to its previous, neat state.

"You know it very well, Taemin." He said mockingly referring to the night two of them almost became too close to drink in each other's scents and keep them at least for a day in a memory.

"Sorry about that, Baek," he chuckled. "Who are you buying flowers for? I might help."

"Why are you even here?"

"It's my new part-time job. I have no classes until afternoon so I'm doing my best to be good worker right now." He smiled softly. Taemin was good guy, Baekhyun could tell. "I love flowers and I know a lot about them. So, mind to answer my question?"

"I'm buying them for someone special, but I know what flowers the person likes so I'm just gonna take yellow tulips and yellow roses." Baekhyun said.

"Too much yellow, it turns mainstream, Baek. I suggest you to take heather, white one, as well, which symbolizes protection and indicates that wishes will come true. It goes along with 'the promise of a new beginning' and 'sunshine in your smile' you chose with the choice of yellow for tulips and roses." He explained and already began picking up mentioned flowers. Baekhyun was amazed at how Taemin pointed, out of all the meanings certain flowers have, correctly at every meaning Baekhyun himself had in mind.
"I'll take tulip with three red lines, I guess you have nothing against it. And I'll wrap them in a sky blue paper." Taemin did what he wanted without even waiting for Baekhyun to approve.

"Do you always act with customers this way?" Baekhyun questioned as he carefully eyed how Taemin arranges the bouquet and wraps it with red ribbon.

"I don't like--"

"Stay quiet, Baekhyun, let me do my job properly. And no, only special customers get this treatment and dedication." Taemin smiled warmly once again and picked up tiny wooden ladybugs and glued them at the edge of the wrapping paper.

"If you consider choosing everything alone a good treatment, I don't want to be special anymore." Older rolled his eyes but did nothing to stop Taemin. He watched curiously and actually admired the final outcome. He never tried with that combination of colors, but in the end, he liked it and already imagined it spilled over his new canvas in the messiest way possible. 

"I'd try with more colorful options, but I guess you don't want the meaning ruined. So, I'll just add baby's breath. Always good option." Taemin ignored Baekhyun's words and kept talking about what he wanted. Baekhyun didn't complain the slightest even though he was pretty hesitant at first.

All out of sudden, something really important came to his mind.

"Taemin-"

"No, Baekhyun, I won't add more yellow--"

"It's not that." Taemin stopped and eyed other male. "I forgot my wallet. Luhan didn't let me enter the room this morning." He lowered his head in shame and cursed himself for coming there in the first place. How thoughtless of him. Desperation and need were faster than his mind. It became usual thing. 

"It's okay, you can pay the other day." There came one more reassuring smile and the bouquet was handed to Baekhyun. He though about accepting it or not, but he took it anyways. He needed it. 

"Speaking of Luhan, he won't let you in tonight either." Sehun, who was invisible until then spoke up and approached the two and muttered quiet "hi" to Taemin.

"And Jongin will be in my room at that time, so..." Taemin added teasingly and picked up pieces of the cut paper and threw them in the bin.

"Wait, wait. Do you seriously think I'd end up with Chanyeol in the same room again?" Baekhyun's eyes widened in the realization what was on their minds and almost slammed pretty bouquet against the counter. It was so unfair. His relationship with Chanyeol was his relationship with Chanyeol and even though they wanted to help, it, somehow, was too much. Signing in annoyance, he sat down on the nearby chair and lowered his gaze on the flowers he held in his hands.

They were calming. He'd gladly exchange places with Taemin, at least, just for a day. Just to look at those colorful shelves and water beautiful plants that needed care and dedication he could give, and distract himself from everything and everyone else. He wanted to smile sincerely and he knew a day in a flower shop could grant it. But also, he knew a day without any disturbance won't come. Not soon. He knew it was too early to daydream about sincere smiles and bright days. Even in the longue with three glass windows and stunning scent of what should be appreciated and taken care of. It was too early and he was slowly growing tired of being patient. He did his best to correct things and lead easier life, but, in the end, he realized that in his case, patience was the key.

If the solution was a meadow, Baekhyun could do nothing except not to touch and not to pick up any flower from it. He could be water, but he needed sunshine and vice versa. Every problem of his couldn't be solved untouched by the other side. 

That's why he had to wait, count seconds, minutes, days until his flowers bloom and drop honey. 

"Taemin, give me one postcard and a white paper." He pointed at the bunch of them in the white basket on the counter. After he yelled, Sehun and Taemin decided not to deal with angry Baekhyun and stayed silent until he calmed down and spoke up again. 

Wordlessly, Taemin gave it to him along with a blue glitter pen. 

Curiously, Sehun spared a cautious glance at what Baekhyun wrote, but smaller was faster to hide it and secure his privacy.

🌹🌹🌹

Happy birthday, sunshine. 

I hope I'll come and see you soon. I think of you every day and I hope you're doing fine. One more time, I'm sorry for being useless back then. Even though you were never angry with me, I still feel guilt eating me alive.

So, as every year, I wish for a good new beginning and your smile to shine brighter than ever. This year, a friend of mine suggested me new flowers.
Heather. I was unsure should I take it because I wasn't the one who could protect in the past. But since it's new beginning, I want to correct my mistake.
Baby's Breath. My friend may think I took it for the meaning of undying love, but it wasn't the only meaning I associated it with. I want us to reconnect. 

I hope you'll like this year's choice and take care of those flowers while thinking of me.

I love you so much,

Baekhyun, your star that decided to try to shine again.

🌹🌹🌹

When he was done, he folded the paper and put in between the pages of the postcard. He stood up and thanked Taemin telling him he'd pay as soon as he gets a hold of his money.
He dragged Sehun outside who, same as him, lost the sense of the time and forgot they had a class they were supposed to attend. They ran across the street and almost got hit by the car whose owner seemed to press the horn way too hard, but they weren't there to care. 

"Go without me, I have some things to solve." Baekhyun said pushing Sehun away. 

"Okay, but don't be too late."

With that, their roads parted. Baekhyun stood on the sidewalk and waited someone's arrival while kicking random tiny stones that were near. He sent him a message before he even went to flower shop, he must be there already. Minutes passed and Baekhyun knew it was one more class to be skipped, but that time, he was skipping it for a valid reason. It was important. Her birthday was important. 

"Finally." He sighed in relief and smiled when he caught a glimpse of a person he was waiting for.

"Long time no see, Baek." A boy who came with a bike smiled back and hugged Baekhyun. He was wearing blue turtleneck and leather jacket over as his cheeks turned rosy because of the wind and his rushed ride. 

"You've grown up, Mark. We're same height now." Baekhyun noticed ruffling younger's hair. "Straight to the point, thank you for helping me. I appreciate it."

"No problem. I'm not your favourite cousin for no reason." Mark, a boy with beautifully emphasized cheekbones and nice eyes, chuckled cutely and took a bouquet from Baekhyun's hands and put it in the front basket of his bike. "My family is gonna visit yours tonight, at your sister's birthday, and there is really no need to thank me for doing something along the way. I'm sorry you can't come too."

"I'll come on holidays."

"I hope so."

"Say hi to my sister and kiss her forehead for me."

Mark nodded while biting his lower lip and sat down on his bike again.

Baekhyun watched at his cousin pedaling away while wind was playing with his hair and probably making his cheeks even redder.
He was happy to still have someone to help him without pushing it right into his face every following day and any other deed that's done afterwards.

Sometimes, having someone not so close to you turns out to be better than having people around you on a daily basis. Sometimes.

•••

The night has fallen.

He was counting the stars. Spread on the cold grass and dead leaves: a perfect autumn colored canvas of beautiful hues of orange and red, yellow and brown, transparently tinted with dark blue.

He loved the view, but he'd love it even more if the wind wasn't that chilly and strong. Luhan was really mean. Pride doesn't always show you as a strong person. As for Luhan, it turned him into the bitchiest bitch Baekhyun has ever met. Luhan complained about the roommate? Baekhyun's sure it should've been other way around.

Baekhyun could sleep in someone else's room, at least on the floor, but he didn't want to. When Sehun asked him whether or not Luhan had let him in, Baekhyun lied because he didn't want to be pitied. So, no one knew and decided to mind their own business. For once.

Baekhyun could find a partner for that one night, but it would be against his principles - he never stays nor uses people that easily. 

Being in the park under the infinite sky was the most acceptable option. He needs peace, but his mind never agrees.

Scenes keep repeating anyways, voices keep ringing inside his head like an echo. People keep falling right in front of his eyes and he falls too. Stars hide behind clouds and flowers don't smell the same.

He doesn't want to remember.

He feels like bleeding his soul out. His head was throbbing - a headache was strong and almost unbearable but Baekhyun bears with everything. He tries. 

He needs peace and believes he should be alone for that. 

Little he didn't know that having accompany could always be peaceful - inside and out. It could bring better. He was just too exhausted to hope and too tired to admit. 

"612, 613... Ugh, let me go, will you?" He screamed in frustration wile counting stars, with unwanted thoughts filling his brain. Unwanted person. On top of all of his problems, why does Chanyeol's dumb face keep appearing in his mind? Right, Chanyeol was a problem himself. 

On such a special day, Baekhyun felt so weak and cracked as if he was a statue. Why did he start revealing more and more? He had to be able to keep it all in, still. But it was too difficult and painful too keep everything neatly caged and squished in such a small body. 

He wonders when the feeling of being so fucked up ends? It eats him day by day more, takes his inner light away and replaces it with the darkness not even counted stars could enlighten. Shadows in his soul are way too prominent and dark which are the perfect fuel of his daily struggles to keep himself how he wants himself to be, or more like, other people to see.

But he still tries to hide in front of people.

He couldn't stand it anymore, not only under the sky. Hidden from everything else, he knows it was the time to blow up.

He believes he'd feel better if he screamed, but it'd be too much even if he tried. People will hear. He'd ruin himself that way. Or what he wanted himself to be.

He embraced his knees and pulled them closer to his chest. Quiet sobs were lining one after another and beside the fact he was alone in that dark park, he felt so unbelievably lonely snd he gradually began thinking of it.

His friends were there - but they weren't.

Kyungsoo was slowly drifting away from him. He changed, he became more distant. Even if he stayed the same, he still lacks knowledge about his best friend. Baekhyun simply can't share everything. But he was still there same as Baekhyun was for him. But things change, people change. Roads that are taken don't turn out to be same and the aim is still unknown. 

Kyungsoo decided to change the direction without knowing Baekhyun can't follow. He finds other people more amusing, but where is Baekhyun's right to be jealous or mad? He has always be the outgoing and the one who goes out more and meet more people. But they were then and never again, unlike Kyungsoo who remained standing in that one special place in Baekhyun's heart.

Honestly, Baekhyun worried that someone else would take his place in Kyungsoo's. That one man who gifted his best friend with a stupid stuffed toy.

Baekhyun was too dense to realize that, a new, untouched place was reserved for that very person, and that he, as a best friend, should open his eyes more and notice small things. 

He isn't the one to blame, having bunch of problems pressed tightly against your throat isn't easy especially when you won't share them and let yourself breathe properly instead of having ragged inhales and obstructed exhales by swallowing your own tears and bitterness you didn't want to talk about.

Baekhyun was like that. He wasn't friend to himself.

That night he fell asleep on the cold grass, hugged by even colder wind and soaked with tears that resembled melted ice. A beating muscle in his chest kept aching while faces of the same people he thinks about every night kept flashing in his mind as if they were glued at the back of his eyelids.

He wondered how can someone feel so lonely with bunch of people around, bunch of people in his mind, and stars, he wasn't sure that were more than 613, silently watching down at him.  

With everything and everyone, with tears and smiles that forgot the meaning of truthful, with brushes and colors, Baekhyun was a lonely person. One small, really lonely person.

🌹🌹🌹

::020418::

Count: 4.1K

DEDICATED TO G.M.

It was supposed to be published on your birthday and sadly, I couldn't make it. I'm really sorry. 😭😭💗💗

And I'm sorry there is no ChanBaek at all in this very chapter. (I know who is happy about it, though xD)

If you're curious which Mark is used as a character, it's NCT's Mark Lee. I'm SM trash. 

Once again, thank you for reading.

Your Last Wish🌹⛅