°°°

"If my painting had a name, it'd be called as a feeling that starts flaming in you when I steal the slightest thought of yours."

°°°

Tiny brunet found a comfortable place on his best friend's bed, laying down like it was his own. He played with his only teddy bear, smiling softly. His mind was kinda far away (probably in a garden of red roses instead of white ones he liked the most, with the faceless person by his side), but he would never admit what he actually thought about.

He has never been this affected with a gift by any admirer. He was used to it. Attention was what he received on a daily basis; any kind of attention. He was loved by his friends and pretty popular for having many students crushing on him or just needing him.

But the recent gift was special. And he was unable to reason out why.

"Baekhyun."

At a little louder call of his name, he got pulled back to reality. He was called several times, but previous attempts obviously were a failure.

"Did you come to my room to play with my teddy bear or to talk to me?" His best friend kicked his leg, making him wail like a whale in response. Baekhyun rubbed his poor leg as he pouted a little.

Oh, did I just find myself getting lost in my thoughts?

"Why do you even have a teddy bear when you hate plushies in the first place?" He curiously asked, missing a slight blush that colored younger's face.

"Jongin gave it to me on my birthday." He replied simply, "it's not okay to throw the gift away."

"Huh? Kyungsoo? Is that you?" Baekhyin blinked a couple of times quickly, hoping that action will help his mind clear a little. If Kyungsoo didn't like the gift, he would never have it on a place to look at it every day, especially not on his bed.
"You never put the painting I gave you on the wall or something! You just make it collect layers of dust in an old box." Baekhyun almost started screaming. He couldn't believe he called that short guy in front of himself his best friend for years!

"Baekhyun, you know I--"

"Fine, I know you are always extremely honest and that you think I'm not that talented painter... But..." Baekhyun lowered his gaze and let out a heavy sigh. Eventually, he punched the teddy and threw it on the floor. "I did it all from bottom of my heart and Jongin didn't even know you hate plushies!"

"Oh, gosh, Baekhyun, are you on your period or something?" Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. Baekhyun is bitching again. And Kyungsoo believes it'll get worse since his new roommate is Luhan. He mentally pitied himself already.

"Jongin and I weren't that close back then. Don't blame him."

Baekhyun was still silent. He just acted like he was hurt, it was obvious. But, admit it or not, he was hurt.

He is becoming softer, it's weird.

Usually, things like those wouldn't even be close to bothering him. He wouldn't show he was bothered.

"Your paintings don't match my room here, I'm sorry," Younger added.

"But you never... Nevermind..." You never take care of the colors of your room. Baekhyun stopped. He sighed as his eyes followed Kyungsoo standing up and picking up the teddy bear from the floor. He lowered it gently on his bed again, after shifting his pillow which was a perfect place for the teddy.

Baekhyun knows his best friend thinks Baekhyun is almost talentless when it comes to painting. Baekhyun knows very well and sometimes wishes he doesn't. Kyungsoo isn't the type of person to color your mind with white lies.

"It's better to hurt you now when you've just started building a tower than let someone else hurt you later. Later, when you've already made up in your head that something's good or nice. When you've already made a tower reaching clouds.
At the moment, truth hurts more than lies, but once those lies come out, they hurt more than every truth at the very beginning. Therefore, I'll never hesitate to tell you the truth.

As for you, Baekhyun, I'm not telling you this to discourage you. If I tell you your paintings aren't good enough, it's a reason for you to try harder."

He is always honest, maybe sometimes too much, but he couldn't help it. It was part of him and everyone accepted it. Others might not agree with him most of the time when it came to as subjective things as art, because the beauty isn't equal to everyone. Kyungsoo was aware but was still stuck to his own ways.

"Lu-hyung... khm..."

"Em... Luhan, I've liked you for... no, no, no..."

"Luhan, I think you are so cu-- I mean manly..."

Baekhyun was taken aback by the voice that came from the bathroom. He threw Kyungsoo a questioned look, raising his eyebrows.

"It's Sehun, isn't it?" I didn't know he was your roommate.

"Yeah. After the argument with you, almost everyone knows about now, he kept practicing to confess to Luhan in front of the mirror."

With Kyungsoo's explanation, a burst of strong laughter erupted from the depth of Baekhyun's chests. Even though he laughed like a maniac, tears pooling at corners of his eyes, he was proud of his friend taking his advice seriously (Baekhyun regretted giving it at first, but he is happy now.)

As Sehun heard it, he left the bathroom and glared at his friends. With a pout and his eyebrows furrowed he left the room slamming the door shut. Two best friends looked at each other and giggled slightly, like teenage girls and eventually, went back to what they were talking about, or more like arguing about. One of them, however, wanted to change the topic.

"What I wanted to talk to you about is that the last year's admirer hasn't given up yet." Baekhyun did, smiling, trying not to show what his actual feelings were like, feelings that were almost stabbed to the core by Kyungsoo with an action that seemed to be simple.

"I've found a red rose on my bed yesterday too. It smells the same, it's thornless. I got surprised. I almost forgot about it during the holidays," Baekhyun said.

Kyungsoo found himself being taken aback for a moment.

"Don't tell me you're affected. It doesn't suit you." He teased at the end.

"I... I don't know. Shyness of this person is kind of... cute." Baekhyun giggled. Once again, the younger male couldn't believe his friend's words.

Such a soft spot for admirers was never found in any cell of Baekhyun's body.

"Byun 'Triple B' Bitch Baek, what the fuck happened to you? You're not yourself today."

"Says you, plushie hater who has a plushie on his bed." Baekhyun ran his slender fingers through his hair and if there was anyone else but Kyungsoo watching him, the sight would be found breathtaking.

Kyungsoo decided to ignore what he heard.

"Anyways, I'm not sure do I want to know who my admirer is or not. I may be... surprised."

"Eh? Byun Baekhyun isn't sure. It's a miracle. In situations like these, I think you are sick or something." Kyungsoo said, still a little bit shocked about the entire story. "Do you have anyone in mind, by the way?"

"Not really," older admitted, locking his gaze with a pair of his white socks as his legs were lifted on the bed. "Many people are attracted by me, it could be anyone." Even if the form of the sentence itself should give off some sort of confidence, in fact, it didn't. He told it in a quiet and kind of hesitant way. Kyungsoo tried to push it away, he tried not to notice it, telling himself it was just a bad illusion.

"Do you, perhaps, secretly wish for someone to be that person?" Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes curiously as Baekhyun's small ones widened at that very moment. He coughed and tried to smash his own back.

"Huh? I may act weird today, but not to that point, you know." He said. "Whoever the person is, I'd be thankful to him or maybe her, make sure to give some pleasure if that's his or her aim, only if I find the person fine, of course, and nothing more, my dear Soo."

"Believe me, I wish the person wants a piece of my delicious ass, otherwise I'll turn the person down, by two reasons. Only my ass is available since I'm not into girls, and I'm power bottom. And I'm definitely not into romantic relationships."

Baekhyun usually doesn't care if he rejects someone, he has his rights. But that very person who keeps leaving him red thornless roses since the year before is really something. Action seems to be pure, oh-so-innocent and pretty careful and tender. He doesn't want to hurt whoever it is; but if he thinks a little better, his "no" would hurt someone, but he'd be free from any obligation towards him or her.
Possibilities tear him apart at some point and as soon as the realization of the fact they tear him apart hits him, he knows weakness is slowly crawling up his skin, again.

Maybe Kyungsoo's way of always being honest isn't that bad after all.

"Oh, that's Baekhyun I know." Kyungsoo smiled. "Good luck to that person, though. It must be a brave act to seduce a heart-breaker."

There is no luck that will help, however.

"Don't be like that, I only reject people--"

"That's enough to make someone heartbroken."

Baekhyun falls silent after that. As if I care, except--

Fuck it.

"Anyways," he stood up from the bed and removed the imaginary dust from his pants, "I should go."

"Um, okay, I have homework to do too." Kyungsoo stood up not long after and caught his best friend glaring at his plushie he abused a while ago. If it could be a weapon, the teddy would be already so far gone, leaving only a little bit of dust. Such a kid.

"Make sure not to replace me for Jongin." Baekhyun forced himself to laugh but it turned out a bit awkwardly. "The teddy is a bit ugly, by the way."

With that, he left the room without waiting for Kyungsoo to reply, and Kyungsoo couldn't help but feel relieved. If he was asked any further, maybe, he wouldn't be able to hide the truth that was actually written all over his face. Is it only what he thought, or Baekhyun was really dense, he couldn't tell.

What he knows is that unspoken words don't mean a lie, so he is going to keep some things to himself, hopefully, for a long, long time.

•••

At the table the usual group of friends was was strangely very peaceful. It was probably because the main screamer wasn't there. Others couldn't even suppose he would be missed even though he wasn't absent for a long time.

"Where is Jongdae?" Tall guy, with sort of elfish ears, asked without raising his sight from the plate of steak and rice.

"In our shared room, studying," The one beside him casually replied at what the one who asked widened his already huge eyes.

"Kris, have you heard well whose name I uttered?" He asked.

"Yes, Chanyeol. It's weird I know, but he is studying."

"What a joke." Chanyeol cracked.

Jongdae, nicknamed Chen, is careless when it comes to school. He is pretty intelligent, but he is too lazy to study. He would rather go party, practice singing all day, which was his greatest passion, play games or do anything else. Being in a music section is boring when there's is an obligation to study stupid fucking history he hated from the bottom of his heart.

"I know right?" Kris said. "When I called him to come and eat he just waved his hand telling me to go without him 'cause he has to study."

"College year barely started though. I'm in the music section like he is, and we didn't have many classes so far." A small pout formed upon Chanyeol's lips, wondering what could make his best friend act that way all out of sudden.

"That's what worries me so much, Yeol." Kris let out a heavy sigh, placing his heavy hand on the table a little harder than he should, making some of his friends wince at his sudden action.

"What's up with everyone these days?" Kyungsoo joined the conversation.
"Luhan is bitching more than usual," After that sentence, Luhan was about to complain but at his own luck Minseok shut him down by placing a hand over his noisy mouth.
"Sehun is a bigger baby than he was last year even though he is supposed to be more mature now. Jongin ate only one chicken wing since this morning and Baekhyun... He is just weird. Too weird for my own liking. And now, Jongdae." He "forgot" to mention himself.

Everyone nodded in agreement except for mentioned persons, Luhan and Sehun who was pouting with his arms crossed over his chests.

"Stupid hyung." He muttered.

Jongin wanted to complain though, but he wasn't brave enough to admit that he had already eaten almost whole chicken much before everyone else arrived.

Chanyeol, like he was sitting on fire, stood up all out of sudden, clearing his throat. Without excuse or any other word, he left the table.

Other seven males eyed each other and at that very moment, another two approached. Black haired and quite tall, with natural dark circles around his eyes what usually caused people, who don't know him, think he is scary. First impressions are often wrong and so it was with him. Except if you touch what he finds precious. He'll make sure to wushu your ass very well.

Another one was shorter, brunet with an adorable smile. A deep dimple would find its place on his right cheek whenever he curved his plumpish lips upwards.

"Is it that Chanyeol started running away due to mentions of Baekhyun?" The taller one, Tao, questioned even if it was pretty obvious already. Others just nodded as two newcomers took their seats. Tao sat beside his boyfriend Kris and Yixing right next to him.

"Oh, at least, we see that he is affected by his name. Earlier, he ignored it every time we mention him." Minseok noted.

"Baekhyun can be annoying, can be way too clingy and all. He can even be a bigger bitch than I am, but those aren't reasons to ignore everything about him." Luhan added.

"I wish we could find out what's up with Park Chanyeol and his problem with Baekhyun." Everyone muttered some words of agreement at what Junmyeon said.

Moments later, Baekhyun arrived with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Gossiping about Chanyeol and me again?" He sat down beside Kyungsoo.
"There is no use, he won't change and I can't help it." His tone was so calm, but his insides were burning with a feeling he couldn't name.

"Have you done something to him?" Tao asked.

"I told you million times that I haven't. I really haven't." There could be heard the slight annoyance in Baekhyun's voice that made everyone go silent, especially Luhan who still tried to act that he is mad. Putting blame on him was making his chest tighten and his heart beat in a way he couldn't control.

The situation is tiring every single of them out. There is always twelve of them, always together. But somehow, Chanyeol has always seen only eleven boys in their group of friends and Baekhyun, on the other hand, has always had a not-so-lovely feeling about one person.

During all those years in college they spent together, it hasn't changed a bit. Baekhyun came through a tough period. First, he tried to talk things out with Chanyeol. After he failed many times, he started hating the other male, hating his presence, his dumb smile he could never show him, his freaking big ears, his huge eyes, his scary height that made Baekhyun feel even smaller. Although, it didn't last long. Hate was never the real one, so it rather turned into ignoring game from Baekhyun's side too.

Now, Baekhyun is confused to the point he can't even sleep at nights and he wants it all to stop.

After what seemed like an eternity, Baekhyun spoke up finally, waking himself up from a daily nightmare he always had when he was thinking about Chanyeol.

"I don't care about him." He stood up angrily without finishing his meal.
"Park Chanyeol could go fuck himself with a thorny stick until he bleeds or dies!"

"He's most probably top or even--"

"I don't care, Yixing! He could fuck a freaking donut for all I care."

I don't care.

He angrily walked away and they all knew they're dead meat if they come near him. Pissed Baekhyun is dangerous and able to send you to the hospital and make sure you stay there for a long time.

Also, they knew they won't look at the donuts the same way ever again.

•••

Pissed. Confused. Angry. Frustrated. But there was one unknown feeling he hated the most.

Baekhyun threw himself on the neatly made bed of his and screamed into the pillow. He trashed from side to side, kicking his legs in the air. Fuck you, Park Chanyeol, fuck you.

Baekhyun truly, truly hated that feeling he couldn't even recognize. Feeling he couldn't name or put a finger on and say "that's what I'm feeling". All he knew is that he wished for Chanyeol to feel it too, to come through that huge mental and emotional torture, to be in Baekhyun's skin just for a while.
He wanted Chanyeol to feel something at least, to replace the feeling of nothingness that was enveloping him.

Baekhyun was kind of fucked up from the very start, but this year, it is becoming worse.
Everything he kept in himself and endured made a huge hole in him and found its comfortable place there. As days pass the hole became too small, so it all started getting more of him, eating him then mercilessly shooting him like million bullets, making him bleed almost to death.

If Chanyeol was the only problem in his life, Baekhyun would be happy.

He feared if it widens enough, there would be nothing of him left but the blood of his pained heart.

"I was smiling for a long time." He told himself. "I was wearing a mask for a long time."

He took his way towards the closet of his, taking out all the material for painting.

"I won't take it off yet. But once I do, I'll slap your ugly face with it, Park Chanyeol."

As he pulled a heavy box of oil colors and a clean white canvas, a couple of brushes and a small, colored rag, he seated himself on the floor. As a flashback came to his mind, he moved as much far as he could from Luhan's bed, ending up hitting his back on the side of his own.

Tiny reflexive "ouch" escaped his mouth, but he didn't pay much attention to a small sharp pain on his body.

He prepared everything and started throwing colors carelessly over the canvas. His hand's movements were swift and rushed matching with the crazy heartbeat of his.

Why am I affected, why? Why do I care? Why is Park Chanyeol making my life this difficult?

Red was pretty dominant over the canvas, Baekhyun noticed. If he was a little bit dizzier, he would mistake it as his blood.

He would paint stars, but Chanyeol didn't deserve. He would paint roses, but Chanyeol wasn't worth it. Chanyeol deserved darkness, and no flowers at all, but Baekhyun himself wasn't that selfish.

Chanyeol should be grateful I painted something thinking of him.

Again.

Baekhyun didn't realize he was crying until a salty tear landed on his masterpiece. He was taken aback by it. It's been a long time since he let the tear out. It was a long time since his deepest emotions managed to peek through the cracks of his body.

He was sure it wasn't just because of Chanyeol. Why would it be because of him? Why would he let out a single tear because of that dumb giant?

He didn't know. That's what he hated.

"If this painting had a name, Chanyeol, it'd be named as a feeling that flames up in you when I steal a slightest thought of yours," Baekhyun spoke up all out of blue, so quietly with his voice pitching higher at the mentions of the certain name. He stared blankly at the painting just like Chanyeol stared at him.

It had many red curves, and lines, some bigger white spots and almost invisible white dots.

He would never admit those actually resembled what he had promised not to paint.

"What I'm talking about. You have no feelings towards me. You don't think of me. Therefore, this painting is also nothing." Kyungsoo would also hate it after all.

He laughed at how pathetic he was, as tears were still pouring down like rain. At moments like those, he would claim himself as a completely insane person. A person who has lost way has lost mind and an ability to recognize what was happening inside of oneself.

He walked towards the balcony window and opened it wide after he moved curtains away. He was careless, but not to that point to color those white, lifeless curtains by waving with his painting like a lunatic. He was pretty burned when he painted Luhan's sheets, so causing more fire wasn't necessary.

He stood on the balcony for a while, letting evening's breeze caress his pale skin and take away the tears that were falling.
Just if the cause could be taken away by wind too. He would be relieved.

Letting out a heavy sigh, he dropped the painting from the balcony, feeling like a small stone was carried from his shoulders. Even small, it would continue pressuring him, so letting it go was giving him more space to breathe.

There came loud groan and row of curse words from the park surrounding the dorm, specifically, from a place under Baekhyun's balcony; but it was a little bit muffed since Baekhyun's senses were less sensitive, and he was on the fourth floor.

He decided to ignore and come back inside, throwing himself off the bed. He didn't mind to tidy up the mess he caused. He didn't fear of Luhan's reaction anymore. He was too exhausted to think properly but he still managed to hope no traces of his current state would be visible in the morning and that his mask would be still on his face, unmoving.

He cried himself to sleep.

A red thornless rose that greeted him in the morning didn't manage to make him smile either.

Were the happiness and affection he felt at first fake or he was too sad to make a space in his heart for the slightest trace of mentioned? Baekhyun, once again, didn't know the answer.

•••

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