(CHAPTER FOURTEEN :
UNDISCLOSED INTENTIONS)

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HE ALMOST LOOKED GENTLE — in a psychotic, tried to kill my best friend type of way. It was weak to glance back, I knew that because it triggered a chain of unwanted emotions, like guilt. His unconscious body made him seem helpless, defeated, and the way his almond eyes had glazed over ripped into my tainted soul. This was my fault, I did that to him, I don't know if the impending repentance was due to my actions or the twisted, bizarre sense of satisfaction that came alongside it. Although I killed an Original, albeit temporarily, I couldn't hold my pride without thinking of the consequences. None of them were notorious for their mercy, especially not the Kol Mikaelson.

"Do you love him?" Jeremy left me taken aback, his sudden appearance leaving me startled.

Easily, I intimidated the young boy with a hostile glare, I adored his sister, but didn't take well to interrogations. "It would be in your best interest to leave, Jeremy." I advised, not to scare him, rather save him. Kol wouldn't be out much longer. "Shouldn't you be in the car, anyway?" I expertly shifted the topic, pointing an accusing nail at him.

"I'm not dumb." He told me, though he could have fooled me because he seemed to have a death wish. "You can't avoid the question. Do you love him?" Jeremy repeated, stronger this time, more assertive than before.

"I don't know." I realised, staring at the palms of my hand, searching for the answer. "I wish things were how they used to be — I only just found out about Alaric and the White Oak!" I exclaimed. "They exclude me now. Ever since they found out my 'epic love' was an Original, I'm barely in the loop. I can tell, none of them trust me." I ranted, failing to blow a strand of hair out of my eyes. "It's ironic how I longed for these memories and now I would sacrifice anything to lose them again." With a long sigh, I vented to him.

The brunette boy leaned in closer, pushing the defiant blonde behind my ear. "You know, there's always a way to fix the crap that happens to people like us." He revealed, my eager grin dropping a fraction when he uttered the word 'us.' We were totally different people, there was no unity, nor similarities. "Bonnie could get rid of the memories." He suggested, wanting to be helpful because he knew that his sister's means of protection left people hurt. Elena meant well, but distancing those she cared about from the supernatural circuit meant they were ignorant to the danger ahead.

"A part of me knows it would be wrong, I must have saw something in him. I loved him, I think." I closed my eyes tightly. Thinking back, I could almost physically recall the tender touch of lips and ravenous hands of the vampire. "Anyway, I don't want to bother everyone with my issues when Ric is on the edge of insanity and our lives are on the lines of our sires." I snapped out of my fantasy — it was wrong, wasn't it? "There's problems bigger than my train wreck of a love life."

"I went to a therapist once. Jenna made me." Jeremy blurted whilst my moon eyes bulged, unaware of the relevance. "She was a real bitch." He laughed. "But, the thing that did stick was when she said that keeping it all bottled up would lead to disaster. It's no good for anybody — not even century old vampires. My method to cope was drugs, wouldn't recommend it." Somehow, I found myself smiling at the boy. For a teenager, he had a refreshing perspective on things.

I shifted my gaze, reminding myself that I shouldn't be happy around him, I shouldn't be finding more people to hurt when I leave. "My method is to run away." I found myself saying, the sentence slipping from my lips before I comprehended it. "When it gets too much, I leave. Damon won't be happy, we haven't been apart for decades, but I want to go to Europe. Mystic Falls isn't suited to someone like me." I emphasised the 'me,' hoping he understood that isolating myself was effective. In my experience, getting attached was always a mistake.

"It isn't suited to any of us, but we still manage to stay." He scoffed, unappreciative of the shift in atmosphere. "None of us want to stay, we need to stay — for the clueless, oblivious and ignorant of the town." He explained with such a convincing point that I almost re-evaluated. Almost.

I grunted in annoyance at his persuasiveness because if there were no good vampires there, the wrong ones would run riot. "I don't want to be in a town with Originals and werewolves and witches." I divulged, a little breathless. "I followed Damon to Mystic Falls for normality, a new start. Is it crazy that I like the ordinary sometimes?"

"It isn't crazy at all." Jeremy disagreed. "If you had the chance, would you want to be human?" Randomly, he fired the question at me.

"I would." I didn't take but a second to answer, yet paused momentarily to wonder why that was my initial response. "Don't get me wrong, I love the perks that come with being a vampire, but I can't help but be envious of humans." I breathed out. "They get to have a family, grow old, die and peacefully move on. I know they have losses too, but when I do die, I'll be the one trapped to an eternity of watching others live from behind the veil." I whined, probably sounded very selfish to the boy. "For a century, I lived to the fullest and suffered to the fullest. I've made friends and enemies. With every pro, there is a con. Like the bloodlust, God, that is hard to control and then the idea of 'forever' can go to Hell with me." I flailed my hands for the flare. "Forever is far too long." I stated.

"I wanted forever once." He announced. "I wanted to be a vampire, came close too." He divulged.

I wrinkled up my nose. "Well, I came close to ending it all in the 90s. I did something bad and thought that killing myself could amend all that I did." I confided in him with the only other person knowing of what I did being the man who saved me, Damon. "Since then, I decided, if I were to die, I want it to be doing good by somebody else." It didn't sound as ridiculous in my mind and I didn't want it to be admirable either. To me, I thought that if I could leave the world clean of blood, like how I entered, I'd always have a slither of redemption to hold onto. Not that anything could make up for the countless of atrocious acts I committed.

Jeremy shook his head. "Stop doing that, stop pretending you're the same person you were back then." He demanded, knowing that I had reigned in my wild ways and put the extra effort in to ensure the safety of the citizens.

"You're right, I'm not her. I'm no better either." I confessed darkly. "I can't do this anymore, please go to t——" I was cut off by a kiss. It wasn't in the cliche, movie-style where the boy did it to shut the girl up, it was done because he wanted to.

At first, I was clueless and didn't return the kiss until I heard a stir from inside Mary Porter's home. The reality that Kol was awake set in and I took action, deepening the kiss and slyly manoeuvring the Gilbert towards safety, near the car. I did it to protect him, and the kiss was nice — it was comforting and familiar, above all innocent. Oh, I hadn't experienced such bliss innocence in a long while.

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LAS VEGAS, NEVADA [1994]

Yesterday, I turned on my emotions. In the past, I massacred small villages, painted little towns red and ravished big cities. Now, I finally had a reason to want to feel again. Of all places, I never imagined to have found love in a Casino, but there he was, watching me. If it was any other man, I would have took him out for dinner — with him being the main course — but Cole was different. He had high cheekbones, full lips and soft, brown hair that I only ever could wish to run my hands through. In fact, he was more than his above average appearance, he was a mansion with a view. There was an air of mystery to him, his careful avoidance of questions and sharp tongue left me curious. And I never thought that a human, of all people, would make me love again, but the two of us had just clicked. Until I killed beloved Cole, of course.

"Darling," the unsuspecting boy had began, testing out the pet name for the first time. However, it struck me the wrong way and before he could utter another word from his sweet lips, I'd attacked him. Half-dead, unable to control my blood lust, I walked out onto the streets and left him to bleed out.

Humanity brought love and love brought pain. It was only after I abandoned Cole did all the blood on my hands sink in. When over eighty-years of pain shot through my body, I considered switching it off again, but that would have been too easy. Emotions were fickle, above all, they were inescapable. No matter how many times I soothed the pain by erasing it, an electrical storm would always be raging and raging and raging inside of my broken bones. So, I made a choice — a choice to put an end to my sinner ways.

Once I stormed away from a frail and dying Cole, I exhaled in disappointment to realise it was a mere one a.m. For four hours, I tried to force my body against a wooden pole and compelled multiple humans to murder me. Except, I didn't have the courage to do the act. Each time, I have the wood just scrape my heart or flee from the unwilling humans because the intense idea was a enduring process. To consciously kill myself was difficult, as pathetic as that may sound.

When it came five a.m, the sky had lightened to an intimate grey, the first sun beams daring to peak through. Thoughtfully, I stared at the silver band on my finger, the lapis lazuli sitting tightly in the centre. Damon knew a witch, had the ring especially made for me, and I was aware the extent of the power it held. The line between my life and my death, if I just...loosened the ring, then slipped it off my finger, all this would be over. Hell was beginning to sound appealing.

By five-oh-eight, the sun had grown higher and I spun the accessory around on my finger, taking a deep breath. "Stop!" Somebody had yelled, their voice deep, cracking in a desperation that seemed out of place alongside the strong projection. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually liked you." He, it was definitely a he, murmured.

"I want this." I said, shielding my eyes from the blinding sun. Now or never.

He stepped into my view, I choked. "Too bad, I don't because I tend to get what I want." Damon Salvatore, none other than, grabbed me by the waist, zooming me away from the scene before I did anything ludicrous.

Slightly disoriented, I softly gazed up at him. "Day." I whispered, I never thought I would see him again, he was adamant that it was better if we parted.

"I—" He wanted to be stern with me, argue about how stupid I was, but he noticed how defeated, how human I looked. "Go get some rest, I can't imagine you had much. We can talk later." Damon never had seen me with humanity, it was a rare sight and was not one to indulge in. Exhausted to the point I refused to fight, I spun on my heel, until I was stopped by the vampire once again. "And, if you ever try something like that again, you'd wish you for a fate far worse than death."

"I'm sorry." I said, the two words nothing but a dead weight.

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Knowing the state of grace was temporary, I broke the kiss apart quicker than he had anticipated. More so because Damon was nearby, I could smell his cologne. "I didn't mean to do that." Jeremy defended suddenly, having the urge to apologise.

"But you did."

"I did." He confirmed, smugger than I expected of him. "I, uh, enjoyed it. And I think you did too." There was an air of awkwardness surrounding his brave accusation.

"Maybe." I hummed, my eyes darting to see if Kol abandoned the scene or was prepared for round two. "But, I think we'd need to get to know each other first. Or, I could refer to you as Elena's little brother throughout the rest of my time in Mystic Falls?" I teased, having gathered that it was my duty to stay in that backwater town until the threat of the Originals disappeared. My relationship put people at risk, I had to see the end of it through.

"You're coming back to Mystic Falls?" I nodded and his eyes glistened with hope. "Do we go on a date then? To get to know each other? I haven't dated a non-ghost before." Jeremy mentioned, his relationship with Vicki being very much strings-attached. Again, I didn't trust my voice and nodded, climbing into the back of the car.

Did I love Jeremy Gilbert? Not at all. Would I ever love him? Extremely unlikely. However, I cared for him deeply and needed to be the one guard him from the wicked ways of my ex. Perhaps there was an ulterior motive there too, I wanted to feel something again, love or not.

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A.N: This was such a change from the original arc I had between Jeremy and Lottie, but tell me how you feel. It's a little of a new side to her, a manipulative one. Does she have cruel or genuine intentions? How do we feel about the fact she had a relationship with a dark haired man called Cole too? Hmmm.

Were you satisfied with the ending of The Vampire Diaries?