I woke up from a nightmare only to face another. Or maybe I never woke up; maybe I was cursed to sleep for eternity, just like sleeping beauty.

When I opened my eyes and realized I was lying on your laps, I knew I was still dreaming.

But I wouldn't let this go to waste, even if it was just a dream.

You were so close to me, our heads just inches apart. You looked different, maybe twenty years younger, and you were knitting. Your hair was let loose, messy, but the way they cascaded down your shoulders so naturally was beautiful to me.

I wish time could stop.

Everything were so nostalgic because I remember just how often we did this. We were both busy after we got married, but we never failed to spend time together.

We just sat in the same space, doing separate works, occasionally stealing glances at each other and laughing when we caught each other staring. When one of us got tired, we would snuggle a little, in a way that wouldn't interrupt the other's work.

We were happy. Despite not talking, going on dates or doing any other romantic things. We were so happy just by being together.

I wonder what the past us would think if they know what would happen in the future.

Perhaps they would appreciate this more. Because I knew I would.

In the silence, I could hear your breaths and I could see all your little movements. They are all so important.

The way your fingers moved, the way your lips would curl up in satisfaction when you finished knitting, the way your hand gently rested on my head, patting me while I slept.

I missed this.

When you caught me staring, you set aside your knitting tools and your face broke out into a bright smile. You pinched my left cheek lightly and giggled. It sounded like music to my ears.

"Awake now, sleepyhead?"

Your eyes. Your smile. Your touch.

"I missed you." I blurted out.

"Silly, it has only been fifteen minutes." Your hand left my face and the warmth lingered behind. I craved for that warmth.

"It felt much longer than that," I reached out my hand towards your face and gently stroked your cheek. Warm. "Much, much longer."

I sat up immediately, but not too abrupt as to surprise you.

I pulled you into my embrace and tried to hold back the pain in my voice as I whispered, "I missed you so, so much."

"Alright, alright. I missed you too," You chuckled and returned my hug.

No. Don't tell me you miss me. I can't take it.

I closed my eyes, succumbing to the warmth I had longed for so long, blocking out every possible distraction.

Everything wasn't real. Nothing was ever real to me anymore. But I wished I could bask in this moment for just a little while more.

Just a little.

It was like real warmth, like I was hugging the real you, in this fake, delusional world.

I was completed absorbed until this warmth slowly turned hotter.

So hot that I felt the urge to pull away. But I resisted, I hugged tighter even when the heat was unbearable, as though it was burning me directly. I wouldn't let go even if I was burned alive. I wouldn't.

But when you vanished from my hold, and I was left with nothing in my embrace, I opened my eyes. And I stared.

Fire.

The room was on fire.

No.

I was in such a hurry to stand up, I tripped over my own leg and stumbled to the ground. It didn't hurt, but I was really scared. I had a hunch of how this dream would end up. And I wouldn't like it.

When I got up on my feet, I snapped my head at all direction, looking carefully for every corner.

You weren't there.

Then where?

I ran to the door and tried to turn the door knob, but it was locked. No matter what I did, it wouldn't budge. Without another way, I looked out of the window.

Dread pricked on my skin and I was terrified.

Not because of the fire. But because I saw you.

You were there, sitting on the floor, knitting like there wasn't fire burning the whole house down.

Dread clamped on my insides again and my legs felt weak.

Everything around you were burned completely into ashes and you were just sitting in the middle of the sea of fire.

No.

Please, not again.

I pulled as hard as I could on the door knob, but it didn't even budge. It was unshakeable, unmovable like a huge mountain. I tried everything I could, until I was gasping for air, but nothing.

This wall separated us.

From reaching you.

From saving you.

The fire started to burn you.

"Run, dear. Run!" I screamed with all my might.

You stood up and I was half relieved. That was until you walked closer to the window. And now we were just staring at each other, with a wall between us. Time froze and everything stopped. All I could see and concentrate on was your eyes.

The look on your face was killing me. Why were you so calm? Yet, your eyes held so much pain and sorrow. And even without words, I could somehow guess what you were trying to say.

You were blaming me, wasn't it? You were so calm, because you knew I wouldn't be able to save you anyway. You looked so pained, because it was my fault.

Because the only one person you could depend on had forsaken you.

"Dear-" I stopped my own words when I saw tears trickling down your cheeks.

Your lips moved.

And it wasn't hard to catch you said.

Why didn't you save me?

The fire engulfed you in a wave.

Then you were gone.

And I woke up.

From this dream turned nightmare.

Why didn't I?

~

I didn't even realize tears were streaming down my cheeks like upstream river flow.

I couldn't stop them.

Was that how things happened?

Was that what you thought about then?

Was I that powerless?

I turned towards you, and even though what I was about to do next was meaningless, I still tried.

I spoke.

I talked to you.

And I wanted answers.

"Do you blame me? Do you hate me? Were you angry at what I did? Did you curse me when you were...in...that fire?" My voice was so rough and raspy. I sounded whiny too, just like a child. A lost child.

"Dear, answer me."

Silence, silence and more silence.

"Answer me!"

"Let me know!" I cried out.

You didn't even flinch.

And the silence that filled the room right after was painful. It felt as though it was mocking me.

I started laughing. Laughter mixed with a few sobs. It would have sounded hysterical to others, but no one except me could hear them now.

"You wouldn't ever let me know, right? Look at me, talking to myself here, expecting an answer from someone dead and her spirit that might not even exist."

I buried my face into my hands, stifling my sobs and sniffles.

I was a huge mess, crying like a newborn baby, trying to talk a spirit, and now I might just have a breakdown.

Why did I have to dream about finally being able to touch you, only to have everything taken away right in front of my eyes again?

Was once not enough?

Out of breath, my mind went blank. I was hyperventilating and I was crying even harder.

I needed to talk to someone.

I needed answers.

I looked at you.

No.

Then who?

I was all alone now.

I used to think I was always alone, even with you around. But now that I had lost you, I was utterly alone. Alicia and Erik didn't count. How could a father look for his own children, crying and breaking down in front of them? A father has his own responsibilities to hold.

I have to be strong.

But my heart throbbed.

Alone.

I hugged my knees closer to my chest and rested my head on them, closing my eyes. I should stop. I needed to get ahold of myself. After a few deep breathes to calm myself temporarily because I knew I could break down anytime again, I glanced at the clock on the table beside me.

2AM.

I didn't think I could sleep again. Not after that.

Then what should I do? I turned my head towards you and immediately looked away. Tears formed at the edge of my eyes.

I can't.

My gaze fell upon the mobile phone lying beside the clock. A thought flashed across my mind. I picked it up and searched my contact list for that one number I had in mind.

When I found it, I hesitated for a few minutes. I watched as the screen turned black as I switched on my phone again and again.

After a few deep breathes, I finally pressed the dial with trembling fingers.

It rang a few times before it was picked up.

"...Tom?" My voice came out so dry, so broken, so desperate.

I needed someone to talk to.

Anyone.