The hardest person to forgive isn't your enemies, the one who wronged you, but yourself.

From across the table, Alicia flashed me a small, nervous smile -- nothing like her usual bright and confident ones -- as she took a sip of her coffee. I returned the smile, knowing very well why she was so antsy at the moment.

Sitting closely -- a little too close -- beside her was a man -- Xavier, as she introduced earlier on -- who looked much more anxious than she was. Alicia once described him as someone who could always carry himself well in conversations. Yet, he was stuttering when he talked to me and his smiles were a little awkward, even though I could see the sincerity lying beneath them.

I knew Alicia had a boyfriend for some time now, but she never brought him to meet us nor told us much about him unless we probed about him. I wondered if it was due to the sudden change in the house, as you were diagnosed with dementia and caused her to become more closed off and reserved about her matters. But then out of the blue, she told me he wanted to have a meal with me and talk to me. Of course I knew what was coming.

Deep down I was aware that there was no way this could be avoided but it didn't mean that I was ever going to feel ready for this.

What kind of father would readily accept that his daughter was going to get married and leave his side?

Definitely not me.

If you were here, you would probably hold my hand, reassuring me that it's fine and there comes a time where we as parents have to let go of our hands. It would have been the most reassuring feeling. Letting go of Alicia's hand, yet knowing you were still holding mine.

I wish I could turn back time. Carrying her in my arms was an easy feat years ago, but nan easy feat years ago, but now? My daughter was here, asking for my approval of her marriage. With a guy I barely knew.

"So, dad," Alicia stared at me, biting her lips, "about Xavier -- about us. What do you think?"

I glanced at him and then back to Alicia. Her arm moved a little. I knew they were holding hands tightly where I couldn't see it. It was what I did then too. There was no way I wouldn't know how they feel now.

Asking for your parents approval and blessings for our marriage was the most nerve-racking day in my whole life.

They weren't very accepting then and acted quite hostile towards me. It was very unpleasant to be rejected by the very people who raised you and feel unwelcomed in their presences. My heart sank when they were against us. But I knew yours sank even deeper. You must have been torn. After all, they were the closest people in your life. The people who loved you and had shaped you into who you are.

So I held your hand even tighter in my own. When the world is against us and we are abandoned by the people who are important to us, I'll be there for you. That was what it meant.

Instead of answering Alicia's question, I glanced at the seat beside me. We were sitting in a square table for four people in a restaurant. It would have been just right if you were still here.

Alicia's our daughter. Was it really okay for me to make this decision on my own? What if he wasn't the right one for her? Despite knowing what you would say if you were here, I still wished with all my heart that you were here with me, witnessing and going through this moment together. It was selfish of me but I didn't want to do this alone.

I may be an adult, a father to our children, but without you, I was just a lonely old man.

I looked at Xavier once again. Even though his nervousness were showing blatantly today, he presented himself well enough when he asked for her hand in marriage. His voice was firm and he did not waver.

The longing for our parents' acceptance in my heart nudged at me. Years had went by, but it didn't mean it had vanished. I wanted to believe in my daughter's judgement.

"Go ahead." I smiled fondly at her and then at Xavier, who she had decided to walk down the rest of her life with.

Their faces were first showing shock and then they looked relieved, ecstatic and happy. Alicia turned to Xavier and flashed him the kind of bright smile that she used to only show me.

Warmth filled my heart, but at the same time it was laced with a thin layer of sadness.

I'm glad you found someone you could entrust your heart to.

"Thank you, dad!" She reached out for my hand, firmly grasping it.

---

Later that night, Alicia followed me home instead of going back to her own place. We sat together in the living room, casually talking. I asked a lot about Xavier and she was okay with answering my questions. We also touched on the details of their wedding, since they already have some plans in mind.

She took a sip from her glass of orange juice as silence filled the room. Alicia ran her finger over the rim of the glass a few times, put it down on the table and glanced at me.

"Hey, dad. Can I ask you a question?"

From the look in her eyes, this question must have been on her mind for some time now.

I nodded.

"Can I know why you've come to accept us? I wasn't exactly open with you from the start and this is a little too fast, don't you think?" Alicia stared at me. Not nervously this time, but curiously.

I could understand where she was coming from. Over the years, I was always an overprotective father to her. I set many rules and stopped her from dating too early. I was strict with the people she was seeing. I knew she wasn't too happy with me but I could only do as much to prevent anything bad from happening to her.

For me to have accepted their relationship so easily was definitely a shock to Alicia. Well, the me few years back might not have agreed this easily. But now that you were gone, it reminded me of our past so much, I just couldn't help it.

"Well," I started, "Just as I found your mom and deemed her the right one for me when everyone else said the opposite, I knew better than anyone that only you yourself would know. It was painful to be rejected by the people you call family. Even though we loved each other, we desired to be accepted.

"I don't want you to go through what we did. I want to believe in your choice. I want you to be happy." Though my heart was still filled with reluctance of letting her go, I couldn't be happier for her. Inevitable things occur in life. No one were exempted from going through them and learning how to adapt.

Alicia scooted closer towards me, giving me a smile so wide, the edge of her eyes crinkled.

Leaning against me, she then asked, "Tell me more about you and mom?"

"Sure. But it's a long story--"

"We have time." She looked at me with soft, warm and expectant eyes. Ah, much like yours. Except with some childlike excitement, like from when she was a child, asking me for a bedtime story. My worries and sadness were taken away just like that. It did feel like we had all the time we wanted then.

Wrapping an arm around her shoulder, I smiled fondly at her.

So I told her everything. How we met and the feeling I got when I realized you were definitely the right one for me. How we maintained our marriage and what happened along the way. The happy times that would push her to go further and the hard times when we would even question our decisions.

And lastly, I told her how I felt towards you now, after you had left my side.

It certainly took a long time telling her everything, since it was basically the story about our lives.

In the end, Alicia fell asleep on my shoulder and I dozed off after her too.

As my consciousness slowly faded, I prayed to the same god that had let you remain by my side even now, that she would be able to be like us while avoiding the mistakes we did.

***

The days that followed after were filled with helping Alicia out on planning her wedding. I told her she could decide what kind of wedding she wanted -- be it simple or grand. At first she said she wanted a grand one, but after hearing our story, she decided that she wanted a simple one where Xavier and herself will only invite their family and closest friends.

Even though I tried convincing her that she could make it slightly bigger if she wanted to, since we were able to afford it, she still insisted. Her stubbornness was something I had gotten used to, so I didn't try to make her change her mind anymore.

A simple wedding, too, wasn't easy to plan for. The less people invited, the more details to look after for them.

Weeks passed by relatively fast and before we knew it, two months were gone.

I had attended their engagement ceremony with Erik, but it was just between two families.

"I love it simple." Alicia had said to me.

And now it was just two nights before the wedding day itself. Alicia came over to finalize some details, like what time should I reach the place. When all the important discussion was done, I tried to relax and take my mind off this matter. I failed. It still felt a little hard to accept that she was going to be married in three days' time.

Trying to get it off my mind, I found myself getting the ironing board and iron out, wanting to iron my suit. You were sitting at the other end of the room, repeating the actions alike to folding clothes.

Even if I had properly sorted out how to face my guilt, it still didn't lessen how much I miss you. If only you were still here. We would had sat here together, talking about Alicia as you ironed my suit swiftly.

Would things have turned out the same way if you were here?

Or maybe not. If the fire didn't happen at all, in this room, perhaps nothing would have changed.

I don't know which was a better option. Living until the day we die without realizing what I should have done or realizing it after you have died without being able to change a thing.

The door creaked open and I turned my head towards it.

"Dad? What are you up to?" Alicia came into the room, her hand still on the door knob.

"Ironing my suit." I said.

She stood there staring at me while I took the suit that was hanging in the closet. I sat back down in front of the ironing board with a huff. Alicia was still standing by the door.

"Do you need help with that?" She offered with a smile. Somehow, I could hear a tinge of reluctance in her voice, but since she was suggesting it, that couldn't be possible. I must be tired.

Staring at her, I was immediately reminded that we would spend less time after she got married and start her own family. So, why not?

Alicia sat down on the floor after I scooted aside, putting out the ironing board properly and then switching off the switch of the iron to adjust everything to her liking. Oddly enough, her actions were a little sluggish. Not just slow but awkward and a little...painful?

I continued to observe her, watching her closely.

She fumbled with the sleeve of the suit, then smoothed out the creases with her palms. Turning on the switch of the iron, she started ironing. Repeating the same movements for a few times, the creases were still there. It was plain obvious to both of us that not enough force was used even if no one pointed it out.

Trying to use a different approach, she flipped the suit over, trying to start from the back of the suit.

I caught a glimpse of the iron that wasn't placed properly back on the metal frame and was instead lying on top of the hem of the suit.

"Alicia, it's going to get burned!" I called out.

Alicia picked up the iron right away but it dropped on the floor instead with a thud. The iron lied there quietly.

Maybe my voice was a little louder, but was that enough to surprise her that much?

I looked up to see her shaking hands. She was trying to hide it, with a smile while clasping tightly on her skirt, using so much strength that her knuckles turned white. "Sorry, I guess I'm still as clumsy as usual."

Alicia picked the iron up and tried to smooth out the crease on the sleeves of my suit again. It still wasn't working. Something was definitely off. She wasn't herself.

Silence hung heavily in the air. It grew more and more uncomfortable with every passing second.

My heart stilled, like a ship when the anchor was thrown down into the sea. In this case the anchor was in the form of worries and confusion.

I glanced at your direction. You were looking down at your laps, unknowing of anything.

What should I do, dear? You would probably deal with this much better. I'm afraid of making the same mistakes when it comes to my family again. I don't want to hurt them like I did with you, by saying the wrong things.

The guilt was clawing at my heart. The fear that I hid deep inside was slowly leaking out.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, calming the hurricane of emotions in me.

Fear had a firm grip on me, but it wasn't unshakable.

I did say the wrong things back then, but the one thing that I regretted the most wasn't that. When you utter the wrong words, you could still apologize and make up. But when you walk away and not reach out when you should, there was no second chances.

No running away. No more.

"Alicia," I called out carefully, "What's wrong?"

This time, she flinched hard, nearly dropping the iron again. She put it away on the metal frame, but refused to answer or look at me.

Reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder, I gave it a light squeeze.

"You can always talk to me. About anything."

Even though her gaze was fixed on the floor, I could see her lips quivering.

I waited. I didn't push anymore. It was a small gamble, but I didn't waver.

Then, as I expected and much to my relief, she slowly turned to me. She didn't take her eyes off the floor like she didn't dare to look at me. It happened a lot whenever she was guilty of something and was confessing what she did.

"I..." she bit her the bottom of her lips, breathing harder as her chest heaved up and down, "I'm scared."

"Of what?"

She remained silent, eyes still glued on the floor as she fiddled with her fingers.

"You can tell me anything, Alicia." I probed, "I won't judge. You know that, don't you?"

She nodded hesitantly, her gaze finally making its way up to me.

Shock coursed through me as the back of my neck went cold.

Alicia looked broken. I could recognize it. It was the same look I had on the day after your funeral. Colourless, dead and broken.

My heart throbbed with pain. Just one look and it was already hurting me. What could possibly hurt her so much?

"On that day," she finally started, albeit very slowly, "the day the fire happened,"

The day you died.

"I was with her. She was ironing some of our clothes, in this room. I sat a distance away, looking at my phone. It was just like any other day, really. It felt that way. Then I got a call from Xavier. I thought it would be fine. I thought it wouldn't hurt." Her eyes started glistening with tears as her voice shook. She took a small break to breathe in, before continuing, "I couldn't hear him very well due to bad connection, so I went out of the house. I didn't tell her. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference to her then, but...when I came back in, flames were all over the room she was in.

"I couldn't get in. I didn't know what to do. I stood there, struck by shock that I couldn't even think. It was too late when the firemen came. I...thought it wouldn't hurt when I went out, but it hurts so much, even after a year. There are times when I look at Xavier and my heart would break. I made a mistake. I traded mom for Xavier." Tears fell from her eyes and her frame was shaking from her silent sobbing. She was still holding it in, though it was as clear as day that before long, it would all be meaningless.

"That's not it!" I cut in, feeling the need to before things turn worse than it already was. "I know it hasn't been easy after your mom's incident, but you don't have to be so hard on yourself. It's no one's fault, Alicia."

"It is!" She yelled at me, her whole body shook with so much anger, I was taken aback.

Pain coiled up on my heart and squeezed tightly like a cobra would with its prey. What should I do, dear?

"Now and then I would wake up and ask myself, if I hadn't left, what would happen then?" I could hear her harsh breathings. It sounded like she was struggling for air, like everything was suffocating her.

I reached out a hand to her but it stopped in midair as she quickly continued, as though she was saying she wasn't done, keeping anyone from stepping closer to her. Alicia had always put up barriers like this whenever she felt vulnerable.

"I-I killed her, dad." she cried into the palms of her hands, her strained voice came out muffled. But in this painfully silent room, it was still crystal clear. "If only I didn't leave her alone inside the room. She would still..." her voice cracked.

The next thing that she said shattered my heart. As though a snake had sank its poisonous fangs into my heart, the toxic spreading to every inch of my heart in just a second and stopped functioning. It just stopped.

"...still...be here to see all this."

The room fell silent, save from some of Alicia's sniffles and small hiccups.

It took me so long to finally find myself again, piecing my broken pieces back together after you had passed away. I was getting healed, but I didn't reach deep inside their hearts, to notice their pain -- the same pain as mine -- and try to reduce them.

But it wasn't too late. She was still here.

I took a small breath, calming myself down as best as I could before I gathered my thoughts. I spoke, doing my best to not let the sounds of her sobbing cover my voice up.

"Alicia," I called out carefully, "It's okay."

She flinched.

"It's okay." I could hear my voice shaking a little. I glanced at you, trying to find strength in you. Your eyes pierced my heart, everything rushed through me as I was thoroughly reminded of the things that happened and how it all came to this.

It's okay, John.

I knew what I had to do.

"We," I paused, looking at you before back at Alicia, "your mom especially. We both want you to be free and happy, Alicia. No matter what you did, what happened, no one can deny that."

"If it wasn't for me..." Her voice cracked, and she was still covering her face with her hands, trying to hide from the world. I kneeled down beside her, slowly removing her hands, as she looked up at me with such a broken expression.

I looked straight into her eyes, gently but firmly. "You can't give up your happiness for something that can no longer be changed. Your mother wouldn't have wanted that. She always placed your happiness above anything else. You deserve your own life, not tied down by us. You have every right to choose to not hurt anymore."

Pain painted her expression once again as she scrunched up her face. "I...I know. I know that, dad. I know she wouldn't want that. But, it's so, so hard. I tried so many ways, so many times. I can't shake the guilt off. Nothing is helping!" Tears fell from her eyes, streaming down her cheeks and dripping down to the carpet, wetting it.

I pulled her into a tight hug. A much needed one. Feeling her body shake, I rubbed circles on her back.

"Slowly let it go, Alicia. It may take years. Five, ten or twenty. But know that it will get better. Don't forget the people around you. You have your brother, Xavier and me. We'll always be with you until you think you can stand and move forward without this burden."

I felt a tug on my shirt from my back. Then, a pair of arms wrapped itself around my waist and tightened.

"Until then, you can share it with us. With me."

I feel a weak nod, as Alicia started wailing. I held her in place, making sure she doesn't fall back.

As Alicia unloaded all her emotions in my embrace, I kept my gaze on you.

Dear, I wonder if you're proud of me. Will you be a little happier? Will you forgive me? I was able to sort things out with Alicia. It won't become another thing to regret about in the future. I said what I wanted and needed to.

I'm happy I didn't leave another regret behind.

Just like what I've done with you.

Thank you for giving me the strength to do this.

---

I've always had a soft spot for stories about families, mainly parent and child, especially father and daughters. Maybe because I'm always close to my dad. I based Alicia heavily on me this chapter, so the way she acted -- holding it in, silent sobbings, dislike when others try to comfort her when she's breaking down -- is how I would too.

I hope this chapter resonated with you in some way! I'll keep trying my best to write and finish Memories this year!!

Thank you for reading! Tell me what you think <3