Words are formless but the deadliest weapon; one that I had wounded you with.

Things break all the time.

They get thrown away, replaced and forgotten.

No second chances, no way to return to their original state, not even the state they were in before they broke.

But things didn't break for no reason. They didn't shatter without first having cracks. Those small, but painful cracks that slowly tore apart everything.

If we managed to notice the little cracks sooner, then maybe we could have made it.

We would have been able to fix it before it shattered.

But we were always too occupied to notice.

We were supposed to realize their existence, but no, we didn't.

And yet, we still held on tight to the broken things, when we had lost the right to.

Broken things stay broken. Even if you patch it up or glue it back together, there are cracks all over. It was better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together. They broke. And that was it.

But as we understood that, we were still hanging on to that small voice inside of us that told us things might turn out alright again.

We were so desperate, so lost, that we didn't notice the very same cracks that were starting to appear on ourselves.

Slowly, we fell apart as pieces of ourselves shatter and fall off like they didn't belong there anymore.

But I didn't mind that I was falling apart.

Dear, I didn't mind.

Because as I broke, as I shattered, as I faded away, I knew only one thing.

Maybe then, I will finally understand you more.

Because both of us will be equally broken.

~

Break.

Broken.

You.

For the past three days, all I could think of were that three words. Like a vicious cycle in my mind. It was like you refused to leave me, because I had left you once.

I barely had any sleep because no matter what I did, I simply couldn't fall asleep.

When my eyes were open, I could see you.

When I closed them, you were there too.

I couldn't stop pondering,

Why didn't I pay more attention to you?

Why wasn't I a better husband?

How did things turn out this way?

If only I did that then...

Questions popped up and clung to me, even when the answers to them were in the back of my mind. I just refused to drag them out of the dark and be reminded that everything was entirely my fault. Even if that was true.

I set my fork down, swallowing the tasteless spaghetti. My gaze shifted to the opposite of my seat, the other end of the table. The fact that it was empty somehow felt oddly out of place.

Things were starting to go back to normal in the family. At least, that was what could be seen. Erik's eyes had more life in them now, and even though he would look away when our eyes met occasionally, we still talked, while Alicia seemed to have brightened up a little.

I was glad to see that they were both moving on, slowly taking one step forward in their own lives.

But still, even so, the past could never be left behind completely, it was something that would cling to us and remind us of who we were. After all, the past was what made us who we were today.

But yes, at least they were able to pick themselves up and try to move on.

At least they weren't like me.

~

"Dad," the door swing open and Erik was standing there, looking down at me. "Why are you staying in the study this few days? It's renovated back to normal but still..."

She died in here. My mind immediately supplied the words that Erik had left out, in the form of a whisper that managed to give my heart a sting.

"I know," I answered with my voice monotonous, but with no hesitation.

Your life ended just over a month ago, right in this room. You suffered in here. Alone.

Of course I knew.

"But I want to stay." My voice was firm, as though I was speaking directly at you, even though you weren't in here. If only this firmness could do more than just making me feel slightly better for a brief moment. For example, bringing you back.

Erik held my gaze for what seemed to be like a few seconds before giving me a curt nod and left.

The door clicked shut. The room fell silent. I was alone again.

My gaze lingered on the door. And I noticed that Erik had stayed out of the room the whole time we talked. He didn't cross the boundary between the doorway and the room, not even a single step was taken inside. He was purposely avoiding entering as though the room was a pit of darkness with monsters inside preying on him, reading to swallow him whole.

I understand though.

Since it felt like my heart was in pieces, scattered all over the darkness where I was. I couldn't see, let alone be able to pick them up and put them back together. But I wonder if they will fit?

Broken pieces just didn't fit together anymore.

They stay broken. Like you. And me.

I leaned against the wall behind me, letting my body relax as my eyelids fell a little. They were so heavy, but I struggled to stop them from closing completely.

Because when I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, you were always, always there. With sad eyes, and a disappointed, pained look that cut directly into my soul, blaming me for what I have and had not done.

I don't want to see you now. It's too hard.

So I tried my best to stay awake, even when my mind was screaming for sleep. I was beyond exhausted, but even if I fell asleep, I would just wake up after a few minutes. It didn't matter.

As my eyes roamed around the room, they stopped upon the cold, silver band in the palm of my hand. I fiddled with it, turning it around and around, looking at it intently.

Your wedding ring.

It wasn't anything valuable. There was no diamond or gold. Just silver. Just a simple ring that I gave you when I was nothing. Yet you accepted it like it was the most beautiful ring every girl dreamed about. You were brimming with such joy and you were shining. Like a star. In the dark.

And even when I bought you another -- one that was much valuable and beautiful, with three small diamonds engraved on it -- you still put on this one every single day.

I slid my own wedding ring out of my fourth finger and stared at the two rings in my hand, one of them now ownerless.

They were simple and light, almost weightless to me. But at the same time, I could feel how heavy they were. There were so many things locked up inside. Hidden and trapped for eternity since they couldn't be brought up ever again. Like our memories and love.

They once led me to my happiness thirty years ago, shining with hope for our future. But now they looked so dead to me, dulled with a few scratches here and there.

We have been through so much together.

But did we really?

If we did, things wouldn't have come to this.

It wouldn't have resulted in all this. The tears, the hurts, and you returning. If you were happy all along, if I knew about everything, maybe you would have been able to pass on.

I let my guard down and my eyelids fell. Immediately, I plunged into the darkness I was already familiar with and found you standing far away.

With the same look.

My eyes snapped opened and I was greeted with the sight of you, sitting on a wooden chair, with a navy blue wool blanket covering your legs, concentrating on folding the clothes from the basket beside you.

You were here again.

Like you never left before.

And then, something snapped within me.

I felt it ignite, growing from a small flicker of light into a bright and ferocious fire. It burned and burned, and took over my rationality.

It was anger. From where, I didn't know.

I grabbed my wedding ring that had fallen out of my grip when I jolted up awake and threw it to the other side of the room, wishing for it to disappear from my sight.

But even God forbid my wishes.

The ring hit the lamp and bounced off, landing on the carpet with a small thud in the middle of the room. Which was just in front of me. It lied still and lifeless there, and for a split second, I thought it looked sad for being abandoned.

I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream. I wanted to just jump into a hole and hide from everything.

How long would this continue on? You left, dear, why did you return? Did you want to hurt me more than how I had hurt you?

I can't do this anymore. I can't.

I lost the courage to love you.

So please, just leave me.

Leave me like how you did once.

I shut my eyes tight, praying with all my might for you to disappear. The pain without you around wasn't really bearable, but compared to seeing you everyday just to be reminded of our past, it was so much better.

When I slowly opened my eyes, everything looked like mosaics, bright and blur. But as my eyes adapted to the brightness, I saw you.

Nothing has changed.

I deflated like a balloon, all the air going out of me, leaving me feeling empty inside.

I knew that it wasn't possible. You wouldn't just disappear. Even though you shouldn't have appeared in the first place. Nothing was making sense. But the fact I could see you, and the reality that I made so many mistakes and sin I couldn't atone for were.

Tears streamed down my cheeks, hopelessness crept up on me. I didn't know what I was feeling - I never knew- but I was so sick of everything.

I thought with you around, I would feel much happier. I thanked the heavens for giving a second chance, but I didn't know it would hurt this much. I thought I was lucky to be able to see you again after your death, but now I wanted to think that I was really unfortunate.

I love you, I want you. But at the same time, this was so painful, I want you to leave.

All the while I was feeling conflicted, you sat there quietly without looking at me, even though I was near to breaking down. Because of you.

Suddenly I was filled with memories of how you were always ignored, and no one spared a glance at you, or any of your requests and questions. It struck me. Even though it was something so obvious all along.

You must have felt the same way that I did now.

Instantly, guilt took its rightful place in me and all the anger dissipated like it never went on a rampage just seconds ago.

I was foolish. What was I thinking?

I didn't get up from my sitting position, but instead I crawled towards where the ring was lying at. Picking it up, I slipped it back on my finger as a sense of relief washed over me. It felt right again. After all, it belonged to me in the first place.

I put my hand with the ring near my chest, pushing it towards where my heart was. This ring was the only thing left that most of your presence lingered on. I closed my eyes, and imagined it to be you.

It was a part of you.

You were a part of me. As I was to you.

But now I was incomplete, because I would always be missing something.

When I opened my eyes again, I saw a patch of brown on the yellowish white carpet. It looked like soup was spilt on it.

And then, memories started to unwind.

~

"Why didn't you be more careful?" Alicia's yell resonated across the house. Such a loud and harsh voice, it was inevitable that it would.

My ears perked up in slight curiosity and heard more of the one sided bickering. I was able to deduce what happened. You must have brought some soup for Alicia and you started ironing clothes in the same room. It wasn't much of a surprise if you were to be clumsy and somehow split the soup on Alicia's dress.

"This dress was really expensive and I didn't even tell you to help me iron it!" Alicia rambled on and on, while you only stayed silent, fidgeting and looking extremely sad, or maybe rejected would seem more suitable. "Now look, there's a huge stain on it just because you brought soup into the study, which I have never even asked for it. Why did you even do that?"

"...I saw how tired you were from working so I..."

"I never wanted it!"

"I'm sorry..."

After such an outburst, Alicia's breath was slightly ragged.

Silence ensued around the house, as I went back to reading my newspaper.

"I can help you wash it off so-"

"Stay away from my things from now on. Nothing good comes from you. Not after you have gotten that stupid dementia."

With a bang, Alicia closed the door to the study shut, keeping you out of the room, and isolating you from our world.

She didn't have to get so worked up, I know. But at the same time, I knew that her frustration did not come from her dress getting ruined either.

It was from all the frustration that built up.

From taking care of you.

I remember you stood there for a very long time. I could remember so clearly.

And all I did was brushed it off.

~

I should have stepped up at that time. How in blazes did I stay calm and ignorant back then? For my heart was so riled up right now, I almost went to Alicia just to talk to her about this.

But she wouldn't understand.

Even if she did, the past was the past.

It would never undo the damages caused. It would never retract Alicia's words. And it would never make you forget about what happened.

All it would do was lessen this guilt I was feeling. This guilt that was now my responsibility.

As I slowly find my way back to where you were, my throat felt so dry.

I have so much to tell you. But they were stuck in my throat and I couldn't even squeeze them out.

Pathetic.

Even if I did manage to spill everything out, what was the use of it? Time would only move forward. It wouldn't turn back for me. I would never be able to let you know the things I want to say anymore. Unsaid words were like a pool of bitterness within me now.

I was taken aback when you stood up from your seat and a pained look flashed across your face. Furrowed eyebrows, narrowed eyes and mostly importantly, you looked like you were about to cry.

I jolted up and made my way towards you.

But as if trying to run away from me, you walked out of the room. Even though I was confused, I still followed right after. I didn't get to leave the room, since you were now standing outside the room with your head lowered.

It wasn't too long before I see tears falling from your eyes.

Hands reaching out in futile attempt to wipe the innocence that was dripping down, I frowned. "Dear...what's wrong?"

Of course you wouldn't answer. Of course.

I waited with you as you cried. Every tear pricked at my heart. But waiting and hurting were the only things left for me to do.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

When your crying ceased, you walked towards the bathroom. You returned really soon with a rag and a bucket filled with water.

What were you trying to do?

You knelt down on the carpet, took the wetted cloth and rubbed at the stain on the floor. That was when I realized you were crying from that time.

When everyone seemed to be against you.

When nobody cared about you.

And when you desperately tried to erase the mistake you did.

Tears continued to fall from your eyes even as you rubbed furiously at the stain. You never stopped for a second and I could see just how much strength you have used. A thin layer of sweat formed on your skin but you still didn't stop.

Time easily passed as I watched you continue to rub, rub, rub and my heart just stung, stung, stung.

Hours passed, my feet felt sore and you were sweating profusely. Frustration wrapped itself around me, as I walked over to your side and knelt down beside you.

"Dear, stop. Please just," I closed my eyes and took a breath, "...stop. It won't come off."

You did stop. And I was so relieved. A part of me wanted to believe that you actually heard me. But when you dived back into rubbing the stain, I winced.

"It's been hours, dear. Stop already!" My words trailed off and I was huffing from getting too worked up.

When I saw that you wouldn't listen or stop anytime soon, I ran out of the room, passing by the living room, where Alicia was in. She looked up from her phone when I sprinted past.

"Dad?"

I was in such a hurry that I didn't answer her. With a bucket of water and a rag, I headed back to the room. As soon as I was there, I let go of the bucket and it hit the ground not so lightly, the water splashing out a little. But I paid no mind to it as I started rubbing the spot with the stain.

I used so much strength that I wondered if it would make a hole in the carpet instead of rubbing only the stain off. Even when my muscles felt pulled and the palm of my hands were stinging and blistered, I pressed in with more strength, wishing to just scrub the damned stain off.

But it didn't.

Not even one bit.

My eyes blurred with tears.

It was the same with mistakes. I just couldn't erase them anymore. No matter how hard I try.

No matter how much I wished they would disappear.

"Dad? What are you doing?"

I hadn't even realized Alicia coming in through the open door. I furiously blinked away my tears before looking up at her. She was looking back at me with wide eyes, confused and worried. She must have been worried about what I was doing after hearing all that noise.

I didn't answer her, just focusing on holding back my tears.

"Dad...?" She repeated.

"It's nothing. I just...I just wish some stains could be rubbed off."

But even as tears blinded my sight and I couldn't see anything anymore, I knew they wouldn't.

They won't.

I felt like I heard your voice.

~

When it was time to sleep, I turned towards you. Your back was facing me and I guessed you didn't want me in your sight. After such a day, it was natural for you to hate me.

I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep again tonight, but as I closed my eyes, sleepiness shrouded around me. I felt like I was slowly falling asleep. Maybe it was because I vaguely saw you in my mind.

And you were smiling at me.

A really, really beautiful smile that dazzled me. The very same smile that mesmerized me the first time we met each other. And the smile you have never stopped flashing at me throughout the years.

My heart tightened and I was worried of what you were going to say.

I thought of running away, because I was afraid that the words that were going to leave your lips were ones that I didn't want to hear.

Your lips parted, and you spoke. I was really surprised to hear your voice. It had been so long.

Your voice rang and resonated in the silence. It reached me, and I was attracted to it like a metal to magnet.

'Welcome home,' you said in such a soft whisper.

It sounded like a lullaby.

I fell asleep, hoping that time would stop for all eternity.

And dreamed.