THE MAN OF THE SHADOWS

Since my return to Poland, I hoped for some time that my connection with my father would improve. After all, I was walking straight then, and my choices aligned with his aspirations and values. Unfortunately, I was soon forced to accept that it would never be the case since the man, who lives in fear, lives forever in fear of the very same force that could free him from his ghosts: the power of love. We often talk about the love of parents for their children, but we overlook the unconditional love of children for their caregivers. The parent requires the child to be born 'normal', have a certain attitude, a certain behaviour, manners, good results to condescend to give their child some expressions of his or her love.

On the other hand, the small child never asks anything of his or her parents or caregiver. Because the child's physical and emotional life depends so much on the parent (or the caregiver), the former poses no conditions or questions, letting himself or herself be dragged by his or her parents' ghosts like a leaf carried away by the wind. Although I understood the origin of my pain thanks to Alegria, I couldn't stop myself longing for a closer relationship with my father. Wasn't I made to be in his image?

We lived side by side, we sat at the same table to eat, we watched the same football matches and the same programmes on TV, yet we only interacted to exchange words, thoughts, ideas and objects; we rarely exchanged feelings, emotions, empathy, compassion, affection. It was as if we were playing a role as characters in a cartoon: empty, flat, but talking and moving. The little boy as well as the teenager would have wanted to ask so many questions and share so many experiences with this man of the shadows whom he called 'dad' like a cry for help. Sadly, his call always went unanswered.

So, over time I learnt to silence both the little boy and the teenager to let the young man Borys come into my life. He too acted like a man of the shadows just like his father. Like father, like son. Despite myself, I had become a carbon copy of the paternal figure.