you don't notice it at first.

sure, you might feel happier around her than your other friends, but you ignore it, because you have to write 2 paragraphs about freedom that's due in a few days.

sure, you feel an ache in your chest and in your soul when you're not around her, but you ignore it, because you're supposed to be sleeping. Yet it's 12:48 and you can't get her off your mind.

sure, everyday she's probably the one person you want to see every single day, but you ignore it, because she's your friend and you're not allowed to have a crush on her.

then it hits you.

hard.

you put two and two together and all the emotions and infatuation that's been bottled up come out and you don't know what to do, because you're in love with one of your closest friends and you're clueless.

you're constantly thinking of her, of you two together, of being in love, of holding her hand and hugging her and just being content in her presence and you can feel it driving you insane.

you want to cry and scream and throw things because why? why her? why did you have to fall for your friend?

and you hate her.

you hate her cute face.

you hate her spontaneous personality.

you hate her contagious smile.

you hate her beautiful laugh.

you hate her amazing sense of humor.

you hate her curiosity, her generosity, her intelligence, her talent, her entire being.

you hate her because she's all you want.

you know it shouldn't happen. She has a reputation and so do you. You can't just come out and say  "oh hey yeah I'm dating a girl" because to your peers you're straight and not expected to like your friend.

yet you can't control it and you want more than anything to date her and kiss her and just be allowed to love her without being discriminated and made fun of. At this point, you don't even care about that, because you're just so overruled by the idea that you're not good enough. That she'll hate you and you'll lose her and it scares you every day.

and you don't know what what to do anymore.

-h 3/25/16