a letter to the love of my life:

there are a million different words, expressions, stories, and songs that describe the feeling we call love. I could describe all the ways I adore you in a short, measly poem or love note, or I could recite all of Shakespeare's writings or delve myself into dictionary after dictionary to find the right words to describe how this feeling consumes me. there is only so much I could say to make you understand how much you truly mean to me.

I sometimes lie awake at night and feel the weight of everything in this universe as I wonder why the hell the laws of science don't apply to you, for someone with your mass shouldn't be pulling me towards it with this much force. I lie awake wondering why you're my sun, my moon, and every single fucking star in my universe. Even when I fall asleep, I have visions of a future with you in it but every atom in my body knows deep down inside that we were never meant to be, and it hurts more that I could ever tell.

I sometimes wonder if I had loved you in a previous life, and I wish with my whole soul that I had.

The love I had for you is irrevocable, imprudent, sincere; I felt like I no longer had to pretend to be someone that I wasn't when I was around you. I felt my insecurities and my anxieties and my fear wash away like water down the drain. I felt that love so strongly that I thought that I wouldn't ever stop loving you.

The months that followed rejection were spent in those insecurities I didn't have around you. I sometimes skipped lunch and even breakfast because I thought "If she doesn't love me now, why wouldn't she love me if I was smaller?" I sat in the shower hours after I was done far too many times because of you. It was during those months when I had felt how big my heart really was, because every where I turned there was something that reminded me of you, and being overwhelmed by my every thought, I had convinced myself that I hated you more than anything else, when in reality, I hated myself. I hated myself because I couldn't let go of you, no matter how fucking hard I tried.

It's more than a year later and I still can't listen to certain songs because they remind me of you and hurt in a way that is indescribable.

It's more than a year later and I still look for you approval in the things I do.

It's more than a year later and I still smile at every. dumb. thing. you. do.

It's more than a year later and my chest still hurts at night when I think of you with someone else.

It's more than a year later and I still think you're one of the most breathtaking people that has ever existed.

It's more than a year later and no matter how much I lie to myself, I'm still so dangerously in love with you.

But it's time to let go.

I don't think I can love someone again the way I have loved you, and that weight feels like boulders in my bones. Even if my heart doesn't ever want to stop loving you, my brain is telling me otherwise. I've been too hurt by you to keep doing this over and over again. I'm not going to lie, I'll still think of you and your dumb smile and ambitious eyes and overflowing determination from time to time, but you will no longer be able to keep your hold on my heart strings the way you have.

I'm finding someone else who will make me want to kiss in the rain and sing too loudly in the car with the windows rolled down and drink coffee while holding hands and do everything I've wanted to do with you. It may take a lot of time to find someone who makes me ache the way you do, but I will search the whole world, because I can't keep myself tied to you, no matter how much I want to.

I love you like the ocean loves the shore, but maybe it's time I sail somewhere else.

-h   7/23/17 4:56pm

(fun fact: the song above has been on repeat 13 times and I've been crying the whole time (please listen to it), also the drummer in that band was a student of my band director!)