if I were to actually write a chapter on insanity it would've taken me much longer.

but this is about me taking a leap of faith.

Saturday night, April 23, I told the girl I like I liked her.

I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this day for months and when it happened, it wasn't planned or beautiful or spectacular. It was me blurting and rambling to this girl I've loved for months now about how I was fucking in love with her.

I had expected her to hate me.

She doesn't.

Today was Monday, so I saw and had a class with her. We acted like we normally do, joking and silly and giggly except there was a lot of awkward tension and a lot of my blushing and a hell lot of me feeling like what the fuck am I doing please kill me.

This damn girl is driving me insane (hence the title). I'm constantly thinking of her dumb cute smile and her contagious laughter and her really dumb jokes and her face, her goddamn gorgeous face. I can feel myself slowly falling deeper and deeper in love with her, and I can feel my sanity dripping from my fingers like water. I need this girl so badly, it's killing me.

I will hopefully be able to write another chapter again (soccer & school are kicking my ass ahah) and I'll update only on this chapter on anything that happens with my crush & I.

and also, armins-dimples , I love you, thank you for being my best friend through and through, even though I'm annoying & kinda bitchy💘💘

later potatoes

-I     4/25/16  11:20 pm

so.

today was one of the worst days of my life.

my crush texted me with 4 minutes until the end of 2nd period, saying that she didn't like me the way I liked her, and that it wouldn't work out, due to me moving next spring/summer. You might imagine how I would feel right?

dead inside.

I felt as if someone had fucking taken my heart and crumpled it as if it were made of paper. I felt as if someone took my paper heart and burned it into ashes.

I tried so hard not to cry during school (not 100% failing, but I had tears in my eyes for most of the day) but when I got home I just let it loose. All those pent up emotions came out.

It hurts so much. I've never liked someone this much. She made me feel so damn important and less-insecure. She makes me so happy. Yet in one paragraph she made me want to die.

I replied to this after I cried. I told her all the things I'm saying now. How happy she made me. How my insecurities went away when I was around her. How fucking in love with her I am.

We talked for a short more minutes before we ended our conversation. I still felt like shit afterwards and I still do feel terrible. All I've been able to think about is what I couldn't do. What I don't have or what I couldn't provide to her. How I wasn't good enough to get the girl I want and need so desperately.

Tomorrow will be harsh. I don't know what will happen between us. I know I won't be able to look at her, because I'll be reminded of what we could've been and what'll we'll never have.

Tonight I will not dream, because the fantasy I escape to at night sadly was almost always about her.

-h  4/28/16  10:22 pm