I am so fucking sick of being so fucking alone.

days drag on in a blur, a smudge on the windowpane after heavy rain, nothing significant in the long run but a nonetheless a streak of grey skies and grey clouds and grey feelings in the canvas of life. loneliness drags in the bones of my body, weighing me down with insecurities and burdens like boulders in my fragile limbs.

I don't want to want validation of others to feel happy with myself but I need it, I desperately need it. I have so much love for the people around me, I care so much with my stupid big heart that it's hurting me far worse than I know it should. every love song plucks at my heart strings, every romantic display of affection by others digs deeper in my wounds of unrequited love, every loving thing stings in a way I cannot describe.

I spend endless hours dreaming of someone to love me in a way that I'm already not loved. In fact, to be truthfully honest, I don't ever feel really loved. I spend so much time giving my love to others that I don't expect any back, and instinctually I've said I'm okay with it (I'm not, dear god I'm not). my heart yearns for more, for requited love, for something that feels solid and unshakable, yet a part of my brain whispers that it won't happen. that I don't deserve to feel loved, that no one is ever going to love me the way I love them, because my heart is too damn big and I care about things way way way too much, and I'll end up lonely, like I've always been.

the world is so big, yet my heart feels so much bigger, too big for my own body, too big to ever get love back. I'm surrounded by people, surrounded by "love", but I have never felt so lonely, so unloved and so useless.

-h   3/20/17 12:31am