Zaib held the pen with trembling hands, sweat shining on her forehead and probably ruining all her makeup.

"It's very normal to be nervous, you know." Her cousin remarked

"Yeah I remember when I was signing my nikah papers, I thought I was gonna lose it." Another cousin said and they all laughed.

She shot them a wary smile.
Nobody knew of her inner turmoil, and they didn't need to. 
To her this wasn't just her nikah papers, it wasn't just saying 'I do'.
To her this was the end, to her this meant giving herself to a man, a man who would do whatever he pleases with her and the mere thought of that made her want to pick up her eleven kg dress and run off to a place unknown.

She mustered up all the courage she had and forced herself to sign the papers.
As soon as she was finished, everybody around her erupted with screams of happiness and delight, different people taking their time to hug her.

And as she walked down the aisle with her father, she preferred to keep her eyes down, not even bothering to look at Hamza's reaction to.

Hamza was his name and that was all she knew about him.

Meanwhile he saw her as a forbidden treasure, everything about her made him curious. Every time he looked at her a flood of questions filled his brain.

Right now, however, as he saw her walking down the aisle with her father there was only one question that popped in his mind
"How could someone be so beautiful?"

As her father let go of her hand, Hamza reached forward to grab Zaib's hand in his and as their hands touched she was forced to look at him for a certain kind of warmth spread through her as her hand touched his.
When she looked up at him and saw him smile, that feeling only intensified, times a million.

She walked with him and sat down.

Shyly, she raised her eyes to look at the crowd before her and wherever her eyes roamed, she saw only Maheen.

In the little girl playing, in the teenager eating her food, in the eyes of the the people watching her lovingly, she saw only Maheen.

She felt every part of her tremble with nostalgia. She felt like she was going to throw up.

For thirteen years she had been trying to get Maheen out of her mind but it was a useless effort.

All the people who came up on the stage to greet the couple asked her why she wasn't smiling and then they would joke about how she was nervous. She thanked God she didn't have to answer them.

"Umm..can you ask someone to bring me a glass of water, please?" She spoke softly.
So softly that it took Hamza a few seconds to make out what she was saying.

"Uh..yeah sure. Of course."

These were the first words they had spoken to each other.
Even when their parents had asked them to talk and learn a little bit about each other, Zaib had refused and Hamza had no other choice left but to agree even though he was dying to know her more.

————————-

The ceremony was longer than she had hoped it would be, and each minute felt like more and more torture.

But as she sat in the middle of the bed, waiting for him, she realized she would much rather go back to the nauseating ceremony.

At the sound of the door closing and footsteps approaching, her heart began to beat in her throat. She felt like was going to throw up and she began shaking visibly.

"A..are you cold?" He asked, confused.
She simply shook her head.

She hated sitting here like this, it was like presenting herself to a man.
When she had made this point in front of her mother, she had told Zaib she was being stupid and she didn't dare argue.
Not because she agreed with her mother but because she always hated interactions with the opposite gender so it was very much possible she was wrong.

"I..um..I really don't know where to start. First of all, I don't know about you but I don't like when brides sit like this. It's like brides presenting themselves, seems wrong." He started. 
Just as he said those words she looked up at him.

When he caught sight of her genuine smile and her big, beautiful brown eyes, he forgot the speech he had rehearsed in the mirror.

"I mean it's really your choice, that was just my opinion. Also..um...I know that we don't know much about each other but.."
Feeling as if he was falling short of words, he hesitantly took her hand in hers.

She liked his touch, it was soft and gentle and not at all rough. It felt right. But for reasons very obvious to her, she withdrew her hand from his.

"You seem scared?" He asked, as if it was a dumb question.

Was it not normal for girls to feel scared on their wedding night?
She wouldn't know. It's not like her older sister ever had a chance to tell her
"I am." She replied.

"Oh." He sounded disappointed
"Oh....well then you should go change so um..you can go to sleep, I'm sure you're tired. I'll just change out here." He said and she nodded.

Entering the bathroom, she looked at herself in the mirror.
She looked beautiful, just like she had hoped she would when she was a kid.

With her red lipstick, her big nose ring, her heavy dress and her gorgeous jewellery, she looked perfect.

Somehow, she still felt pale and lifeless to her own self.

She looked through her suitcase to find the least revealing item of clothing so Hamza wouldn't get the wrong idea.

Unfortunately, the least revealing nightwear was still pretty revealing. She changed, took off her makeup and brushed out the mess that was her hair.

And as she looked at the raw version of herself in the mirror, she wanted to let out a scream.
She punched the counter, lightly once, and then with all her force which brought tears into her eyes because it hurt her hands.

She hadn't lied to him, she actually was scared.
Scared of so many things she couldn't even think out loud.

She tried taking deep breathes, as she had been instructed to do all those years ago. It didn't help, at all.

She quietly walked out, still confused on how to remain untouched whilst still remaining married.

She was stuck between a rock and hard place. She
didn't want to go back to her parents, there was some part of her that still resented them for what they had done and she didn't want to consummate this marriage either.

"I'll just sleep on the...." Hamza's words died in his throat as his gaze landed on her

His gaze travelled up and down her frame which made her squirm. She wanted to hide in the bathroom and never come out.

"Uh wow..sorry for staring. You're just so..gorgeous. Like really really gorgeous."
His words weirdly made her blush.
Maybe because she realized he wasn't staring at her with lust but with admiration.

She thought about him sleeping on the couch and felt comfortable with that idea. It was much better.
So she just nodded and switched off the light before lying down.

She thought back to the bed in her own bedroom and thought about all the times she had cried herself to sleep because the space next to her was empty. It scared her. Made her remember things she wanted to forget.
She hated empty beds. She even insisted upon getting a single bed and getting rid of the double bed but her parents told her that was unnecessary.

Now when she had the chance, she was still choosing to keep the space next to her empty. It kind of felt stupid, given how many nights she had mourned the empty bed.

"Hey, Hamza.." She lightly whispered into the darkness of the night.

"Hmm?" He replied, not being able to sleep.

"Would you mind sleeping next to me?" She asked and he sat up in surprise

"I was going to sleep on the couch because I thought you would be uncomfortable." He said

"Yeah I know. It's just that..empty beds scare me." She replied

He wanted to ask her why? She was an only child so she should be used to an empty bed.
It was things like this that irritated him, made him feel like he had married a stranger, which he had.

But he wasn't so stupid as to actually ask the question. He just hesitantly nodded and went back to bed.

She put a couple of cushions in between, smiled shyly at him, faced the other side and whispered
"Goodnight"
He just smiled into the darkness.

Then she fell asleep.
Not long after, she started dreaming about the blue day.

The filthy scent filling her soul, the feeling of him against her, the feeling of him almost touching her.

The numerous things she felt on that day.

She woke up with a scream. A loud, ear piercing scream that even scared Hamza

"W..what happened? Is everything alright? Are you alright?" He asked, still half asleep and handing her the glass of water on his bedside table.

"Yeah. Yeah I'll be fine."
She closed her eyes, drank a few sips of water and took some deep breathes. A routine she had been practicing for many years.
A routine she had conditioned herself to think worked.

The nightmares were a part of her. They didn't occur every night but when they did, they seemed to leave a mark on her soul. Like a wound being scratched over and over again.

"Feeling better?" He rubbed her back and she jumped in surprise.

"Woah, sorry!" He raised his hands in defense, feeling a little frustrated.
He was only trying to help her.

"Yes, I'm better. Thank you." She lied down again and so did he, neither of them able to go back to sleep.

She stared up at the ceiling, thinking about the situation her parents had landed her in.
How was she supposed to trust a stranger with her life long secret? A secret related to someone he didn't even know existed.

How long would it be before he got sick and forced himself on her? The thought alone made her shudder with fear.

Did she wish he was her perfect man? Of course
Was she sure he would be her perfect man? Not at all.

But it was the middle of the night and it was the first time she had shared the aftermath of a nightmare with someone, she felt a little bit like she could trust him.
So, she threw away the pillows in between.

"Would you hate me if I told you I'm not ready to be physical just yet?"
The question had actually uttered itself, because after a certain amount of overthinking, her brain had no boundaries left to filter her words.

He chuckled
"I kind of figured that part out"

She felt herself chuckle a little too.

"No, I don't think there's anything in this world that could make me hate you, Zaib." He said.

It was the first time he had said her name and it made her happy, gave her a warm feeling inside her chest. It made her feel like she could trust him.

Not with the secret, never with the secret, but with herself at least.

She turned to face him, so did he.

"Those are big words to say." She said

"I'm a man of my word." He replied.

She smiled, feeling a little at ease.

Then she held his hand in hers, an action that surprised the both of them, and drifted off to sleep again.