Tw: past child abuse, abuse, self punishment, dissociation, gaslighting, manipulation, self hatred, unhealthy habits, unhealthy coping, unhealthy thoughts, codependency

I hate you for what you did

Overwhelming expectations and a lack of motivation to take care of himself made every day seem like hell then. Long nights lying awake thinking no one could ever care about him and times when his anxiety felt suffocating were always so draining. He'd hate himself for feeling that way, then hate feeling out of place once he was feeling better.

Dealing with the aftermath was exhausting, he felt lost after years of feeling disconnected from himself and his surroundings. The thought that he needed to take control of his life was terrifying.

and I miss you like a little kid

He didn't want control anymore, he wanted to be able to stop thinking, to let someone else tell him what to do, he wanted to be told he was doing a good job. He misses having a routine. He hates himself for missing it and he hates how his father treated him, but at least he had direction. He would take the fear and the punishments again if it meant knowing what to do and not dealing with the fear that came with not knowing what happened next.

He missed when things felt simpler.