Chapter 49

"Asturias, Eleftheria Isra Q."

My heart thumped in excitement, and the smile on my lips went wide as I stepped onto the stage. I accepted my diploma and shook hands with the line of respected people on the stage before I went to the center front to take my quick bow.

"Anak ko 'yan!" I heard the loud, clear, and proud voice of my father. "Proud sugar daddy here!"

Humagalpak ako sa tawa kasabay ng ilang tawanan. My smile did not falter from my face even though the commencement exercise took hours.

College has been a rollercoaster ride. For the past four years, we were encouraged to be brave, confident, and resilient. Ilang beses madadapa pero patuloy lang na tatayo at muling maglalakad patungo sa daan ng pangarap.

Before, I lived by the four-word motto: due tomorrow, do tomorrow. Now it turns into: do it today because you might not have the chance to do it the next day. Life's too short to do important things late.

Pagkatapos ng seremonya ay nagpunta na kami sa kani-kanyang pamilya. Mama was smiling broadly while Papa was crying like he had just lost a child. Si Raghnall ay wala dahil may pasok pero ang sabi niya'y hahabol naman siya. Sabi ko naman ay kahit sa restaurant na lang namin siya dumiretso para sa celebration.

They gave me a bouquet of beautifully arranged flowers.

"Congratulations, Izzy! I'm so proud of you," ani Mama at niyakap ako nang mahigpit.

"Proud ako sa 'yo, 'nak," si Papa naman at nakisali sa yakapan habang umiiyak pa rin. "Tangina may graduate na talaga ako ng college. Akalain mo 'yon? Buti hindi ka na-delay? Puro ka delay sa mga ginagawa mo noon, e!"

Tinawanan lang namin siya ni Mama. He was always the emotional one during this kind of event. Pagkatapos ng iyakan at yakapan ay nag-picture na kami. I searched for my friends and apparently we were all searching for everyone of us so we could take pictures together. Siyempre, nag-picture din kami kasama ang iba naming kaklase at pamilya.

Graduate na ako. Graduate na kami.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as reality sank into me. I made it again. Hindi man naka-graduate ng may latin honor dahil nagkaroon ng tres at singko noon, nakapagmartsa naman ako. I've long accepted that those kinds of achievements are not meant for me. What's meant for me is to march onto the stage, get my diploma, and make my parents proud of me... for what I can achieve with my skills and knowledge.

"Babe!" someone shouted behind me while I was busy laughing and crying with my friends.

Pinunasan ko ang pisngi at pagkalingon ko pa lang sa likuran ay halos matumba na kami pareho ni Harley sa lakas ng impact ng yakap niya.

"Congrats, babe! Oh my gosh! I'm very proud of you!" Humiwalay siya sa akin at nilingon ang mga kaibigan ko. "Sa inyo rin! Great! Congrats sa inyo!"

"Thanks, babe," I told her with a grin.

Bumaling siya sa likod at natagpuan ko ang kanyang boyfriend na si Simeon, may dala-dalang mga bouquet ng bulaklak. Kung hindi lang matangkad ay baka natabunan na ang kanyang mukha.

Kinuha ni Harley ang nasa pinakaibabaw at iniabot iyon sa akin. Sunod ay isa-isa niyang ibinigay ang iba sa apat.

"One for you, one for her..."

"Taray! Daming pabulaklak ni Mayora!" Tumawa si Seth.

"Izzy..."

My eyes found the pair of eyes that always make me dissolve at a hundred-degree celsius whenever it comes into contact with mine. The looks I knew could never lie to me, but I could not trust them anymore. Natatakot ako na baka kapag nagsabi siya ng totoo, masasaktan lang ako.

"Congrats, love..."

I smiled. He hugged me and kissed my forehead before giving me his gift in a small box. When I opened it, I saw a globe with rose petals inside of it. My eyes widened. There's a small button in its stand where when I pushed it, it lit up and the rose petals began to rotate inside the glass ball while FM Static's Moment of Truth played in the instrumental version.

My eyes welled up as I looked up at him. My fingers searched for the toque pendant resting below the center of my clavicle. Sa pinakagitna nito ay may maliit at medyo nakalitaw na kristal na umiilaw sa tuwing may pinipindot si Axasiel sa kwintas niyang may simpleng hugis bilog na kapares ng sa akin. Like his, there's a small crystal in the center of his pendant that lights up whenever I pressed mine lightly.

A month and a half after graduation, I was accepted as a kitchen staff member in The Grand Kitchen. The environment is familiar to me so I adapted quickly. I enjoyed working with my amiable colleagues and everything was working according to plan. It drove me to work harder to finally step foot on a cruise ship.

It had always been one of my dreams. Kahit pa ang sabi ni Tita Rachel ay puwede ko nang subukang mag-apply sa cruise ship dahil may mahigit dalawang taong experience na rin ako sa restaurant, I wanted to earn more. I wanted to do more.

Until one day... I just woke up without any motivation to get up from bed.

Narinig ko ang tahol ni Poppy bago naramdaman ang pagtalon niya sa gilid ng aking kama. He used his feet to wake me up like he used to, although I was already awake. I just didn't have the enthusiasm to push myself up from the bed.

I hugged Poppy while I was lying, mewling.

My phone rang over the nightstand. Hinayaan ko iyon pero paulit-ulit lang kaya napilitan akong kunin. Suminghap ako nang malalim bago sinagot ang tawag ni Axasiel.

"Good morning," bati niya sa mababa at medyo paos na boses, mukhang kagigising lang. "Mahal na mahal kita..."

My jaw vibrated in an attempt of sob escaping my lips. Tumahol si Poppy nang sunod-sunod kaya nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon huminga at bumuga ng hangin para hindi tuluyang humagulgol.

"Y-yeah," I stuttered. "Good morning, A-Axe..."

He fell into silence and I heard shuffling from his background. Simula noong nagtatrabaho na ako, palagi nang tawag ang ginagawa niya ilang minuto pagkagising ko sa umaga para maghanda.

"Mahal kita, Izzy," he repeated with a clear voice now. "Nakabangon ka na po?"

"Yes." Pumikit ako at hinaplos ang katawan ni Poppy. "Kikilos na 'ko, Axe. Ibababa ko na ang tawag."

I heard his sigh. "I'll pick you up later."

Tumango ako kahit hindi niya nakikita. I bid him goodbye and ended the call without hearing his reply. I rolled over the bed with closed eyes, and Poppy resumed poking me.

Kaming dalawa lang ni Raghnall ang nasa bahay dahil nasa ibang bansa si Mama para sa isang international business meeting at si Papa naman ay nasa Siquijor. Pareho silang mawawala ng ilang araw rito sa bahay.

Pagtataka ang nakaukit sa mga mata ni Raghnall nang nakita ako sa kusina at naghahanda ng pagkain naming dalawa.

I smiled. "Good morning, kapatid."

"Wala kang pasok, Ate?"

Umiling ako. "I feel unwell today. I'll just send an email to my manager."

Natigilan siya sa pagsasandok ng kanin at mabilis na umikot sa mesa para lapitan ako. His cold hand touched my neck and forehead to check and even scrutinized my face.

He clicked his tongue and his jaw ticked. "You rarely get sick. Should we go to a hospital—"

"Hindi na..."

Naningkit ang mata niya.

"Ako nang bahala, Ral. Kumain ka na at may pasok ka pa."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit matabang ang itlog na niluto pero nang tingnan ko si Raghnall na kumakain nito ay mukhang wala namang problema. Tinikman ko ang hotdog at ham pero may lasa naman iyon.

"Ral, 'di ko yata nalagyan ng asin 'yong itlog," I spoke in a small voice.

"It's still edible." Sabay sulyap niya sa akin.

Binigyan ko na rin si Poppy ng pagkain niya at wala sa sariling tinikman ko pa ang dog food niya. Tinitigan niya ako kaya tumawa ako at hinimas ang ulo niya.

"Eat, baby," I said and pushed his tray toward him.

Tiningala ko si Ral nang tumigil siya sa gilid ko at habang nakaluhod ako sa sahig. Inabutan niya ako ng isang saging bago ako tinalikuran.

"Uminom ka ng gamot pagkatapos mo diyan."

Ngumisi ako.

Pagkaalis niya ng bahay, pinlano kong maglinis ng bahay kahit na malinis naman ito. Hapon nang naisipan kong pumunta ng mall kasama si Poppy para maglibang. I impulsively bought dresses, shoes, and Poppy's food and accessories.

It was past five when I received a call from Axasiel. Hawak ko sa isang kamay ang leash ni Poppy at tumigil pa kami sa tapat ng arcade para lang sagutin ang tawag.

"You're at a mall," he figured out. "With Poppy."

"Yeah—wait, how did you know?"

"Six o'clock."

I quickly turned around and immediately spotted him a few meters away from me. He was still wearing his white uniform tucked in his black slacks and his hand was pressed against his left ear. Bumaba ang tingin ko kay Poppy nang tumahol siya at tila gusto nang kumawala sa hawak ko.

Ibinaba ko ang tawag at ibinalik sa bag ang phone. Axasiel, who was exquisitely dressed in his school uniform, stood tall and gained attention as he took long steps in my direction.

"Tapos na ang klase mo?" tanong ko nang nakalapit siya.

He simply nodded and crouched down to snatch the paper bags from my hand. Ngumiti ako at tiningala siya.

"Kumain ka na?"

I shook my head. He swiped his tongue over his lips.

"Let's eat first, then," marahan niyang sinabi.

I shook my head again, carrying my eyes away from his. "I... want to go home."

He didn't question nor interrogate me why I was at the mall and not in the restaurant where I was supposed to be working. Hinatid niya kami sa bahay ni Poppy at tinulungan pa akong ilagay ang mga pinamili sa loob ng kuwarto ko.

"Izzy," tawag niya nang matapos sa ginagawa.

Nakatayo lang ako sa paahan ng kama at pinapanood siya. Nagtungo siya sa harap ko at gamit ang mga daliri ay iniangat niya ang aking baba. His eyes lacked of bright focused on me, watching me... asking me.

"Tha gaol agam ort," he uttered so low, so passionate... but in a sad tone.

I cracked a humorless chuckle. "Hindi ko naintindihan."

He smiled, but it did not reach his eyes. "It's one of my grandfather's languages in their country."

"Does it mean bad?"

"Did I ever say anything bad to you?"

Umiling ako.

"Do you think I'm capable of saying anything that will hurt you?"

Umiling muli ako.

"Do you think I'm capable of... hurting you?" bulong niya, mas nanghihina ang boses.

I shook my head for the third time... but it was full of doubt.

"Until tomorrow, Izzy." Mariin akong pumikit nang maramdaman ang halik niya sa aking noo. "I love you... until tomorrow ends."

I was absolutely wrong when I thought it was the only day I felt unmotivated. Hindi muli ako nakapasok sa hindi ko maintindihan na rason. I've lost all the reason to get up from bed and do the things that drive me to pursue my dream.

I didn't expect that this is really possible. Ang gumising nang wala kang ganang gawin ang kahit ano. Without a certain cause. You wake up only to feel that everything feels like a heavy baggage falls onto you. Na para bang lahat ng bigat noon na dinala mo hanggang ngayon, bigla na lang bumagsak sa 'yo. Walang pakundangan. Walang babala. Walang paalam.

I thought of Raghnall who was probably waiting for his breakfast. Sobrang bigat ng katawan ko nang sinubukang bumangon sa kama at napatingin sa unan. I bit my lip when I saw my hair tie on the nightstand. Nang i-check ko ang banyo, ganoon din ang nakita ko sa sahig.

Kinalaykay ng mga daliri ko sa kamay ang buhok at nahintakutan nang may sumamang sobrang daming hibla ng buhok sa pagitan ng mga daliri. Ilang buwan na yatang ganito ang buhok ko. Hindi naman ako nagbabago ng conditioner kaya anong nangyayari dito?

I ran to my bed and searched for my phone. Nanginginig ang kamay na sinubukan kong tawagan si Harley pero hindi siya sumasagot. Lumabas ako ng kuwarto pero natigilan nang makita sa gilid ng pinto ang tatlong saging at baso ng gatas na may takip na platito. Nadikit doon ang isang sticky note.

The sticky note said, "Sorry if I can't cook. Baka malason ka pa kapag nagluto ako kaya dinalhan na lang kita nito. Pinakain ko na si Poppy. Just rest, Ate."

I cried my heart out and fell to my knees. I'm thankful knowing that I'm alone with a dog who couldn't ask me why I'm weeping. Because if someone would ask, I don't know what I'd answer 'cause I don't even know why I was crying in the first place.

Ang hinanda lang ni Ral ang kinain ko sa buong maghapon. Naroon lang ako sa kama, nakahilata at walang lakas na bumangon. Nagpapasalamat lang ako na may pagkain pa roon sa food tray ni Poppy dahil kung wala, hindi ko alam kung mapapakain ko siya nang ganito ang lagay ko.

My phone was dead batt and I intentionally did not recharge it so no one could contact me. Gabi nang may narinig akong katok sa pintuan at ang boses ni Raghnall.

"I ordered food for us, Ate. Please, open the door, and let's eat."

I stared at the door and shut my eyes. Gumagawa ng ingay si Poppy na tila ba may kinikiskis siya sa kung saan.

"Ate," Raghnall called again. "Pakibukas na po..."

I grabbed my pillow and shoved it into my face. Kagigising ko lang pero gusto ko na ulit matulog.

"Ate!" he shouted. "I'm not gonna think twice about destroying this door if you're not going to open it up!"

I groaned and hastily threw the pillow at nowhere. I literally dragged my feet toward the door before I let it ajar, though I was hiding behind it. Inilabas ko lang ang braso para kunin ang iaabot niya.

"Open it wider," mariing utos niya na para bang siya ang mas matanda sa amin.

"I look terrible."

"It doesn't matter. I already saw you in your most horrendous state." He pushed the door lightly. "Come on. Nangangawit na ako rito."

Huminga ako nang malalim at tuluyang binuksan iyon. Nakapatay naman ang ilaw kaya hindi na ako makikita nang malinaw.

Nilahad ko ang kamay ulit sa kanya at iniabot niya na sa wakas ang paper bag galing sa Popeyes.

"Akin na muna si Poppy. Pakakainin ko," aniya.

Hindi ko nakain ang bigay niya sa gabing iyon at hindi rin ako lumabas pa ng kuwarto. Mabuti nang nasa kanya si Poppy kahit pa parang ayaw rin akong iwan ng alaga noong sinusubukan siyang kunin ni Raghnall.

In the middle of my sleep, the clear memory of Axasiel kissing another woman and stripping her clothes awoke me. I clutched my chest when it started to constrict painfully.

Nagpahulog ako sa kama at hinawi ang nasa ibabaw ng nightstand. Noise was generated when my things knocked on the floor. Napahawak ako nang mahigpit sa kumot at kama habang namamaluktot sa sakit ng dibdib. I almost forgot how to breathe until I couldn't hold back the wail in my throat anymore.

I sobbed in the dark, in pain, in grief, in betrayal. Hinawi ko ang mga bagay na nahahagip ng braso at kamay ko habang hinahayaang kumawala ang hinanakit sa dibdib.

"Ate!" Sunod-sunod na katok sa pinto ang narinig ko. "Ate, anong nangyayari? Ate!"

Napahiga ako sa sahig, yakap ang mga binti, at puro iyak lang ang isinagot.

"Ate... p-please open the door..."

"I'm o-okay," sambit ko sa nanginginig na boses. "I'm sorry if I woke you up. Umalis ka na..."

"Hindi ako aalis. Buksan mo ang pinto, Ate, o sisirain ko 'to!"

"Umalis ka na!" My voice cracked.

I vigorously shook my head. Ilang hampas ang narinig kong ginawa niya sa pinto hanggang sa isang malakas na kalabog na ang narinig ko. The next thing I knew, he was already kneeling by my side. He slid his arm on my nape and the other hand on my forearm.

"A-Ate..."

Walang lakas kong hinawi ang kamay niya. "Umalis ka na. A-Ayos lang ako rito..."

"No, fuck," he cursed for the first time. "Hindi ako aalis. Dito lang ako, Ate. You're not fucking okay."

"I'm not trying to hurt myself. You don't need to worry."

His hands were trembling against my skin. Sapilitan niya na akong ibinangon mula sa sahig at dinala ang ulo ko sa kanyang dibdib. Napahawak ako sa kanyang balikat at pinakinggan ang malakas na tambol sa loob ng dibdib niyang nanginginig.

Hinaplos niya ang buhok ko. "Shh... nandito lang ako, Ate. Ayos lang. Umiyak ka lang dito sa akin. I'm not gonna leave you."

Basag na basag na ang kanyang boses pero pinipilit niya pa ring buuhin ang sinasabi. Niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit. He whispered cajoling words and phrases as I wailed my heart in torment.

Hindi ko alam kung paano na ako nakatulog matapos ang gabing iyon. Nagising na lang ulit ako na nasa kama at sumisilip na ang haring araw sa bintana. I winked my eyes as I roamed my sight inside my room.

Nasapo ko ang ulong tumitibok sa sakit. Bumangon ako at pinasadahan ang sahig, ang mga gamit. There's no trace that I went berserk last night. Napatingin ako sa kamay at hinawakan ang daliri kung saan laging nakasuot ang singsing na bigay ni Axe.

Tumingin ako sa kung saan dumapo ang mga mata nang bumukas ang pinto. My swollen and sore eyes concentrated in the eyes of the guest. He stepped into my room and closed the door behind him using his elbow. May dala siyang tray ng pagkain habang naglalakad palapit sa akin.

"Magandang umaga. Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo?" tanong niya matapos ilapag ang tray sa nightstand at halikan ako sa ulo. "Pinapasok ko na si Raghnall. Sinabi kong ako na muna ang magbabantay sa 'yo."

Sumiklab ang galit ko sa dibdib nang maalala ang ginawa niya. It's been months yet I didn't confront him about it. I pretended that I saw nothing, knew nothing, and felt nothing. It was so easy to act that I was fine. That everything was all right. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I was also afraid of the aftermath once he admitted he really cheated on me.

I'm so mad. I feel betrayed. I love him, and I know that I'd rather choose to stay while suffering with him rather than endure the pain without him. Our families will question us when that happens, and it's either I'd tell them that we did not work out or lie that I like someone else now. They will not be silenced, most especially Papa and Tito Miko.

Because if I tell them that he really cheated on me, they won't believe it. Siyempre, si Axasiel 'yan, e. Kumpara naman sa akin, mukhang ako pa ang mas may tsansang magloko. At mas gugustuhin kong ako nga ang magmukhang masama kaysa masira pa siya sa pamilya namin.

Natatakot akong magtanong. Natatakot ako sa isasagot niya. Hanggang ngayon. Nabura na ang video sa DM sa Instagram ilang minuto pagkatapos kong panoorin iyon pero nai-save ko na sa phone. Ilang beses ko nang pinanood iyon at sigurado akong siya iyon. The video was a bit blurry but it was his face. I know his face! Kabisado ko!

Pati 'yong sakit na dulot no'n... kabisado ko na. Nasa bote na, nilalaklak ko pa. It only takes a few words to ask him if it was true, if it was him, but it was still difficult for me.

"Izzy?"

My eyes snapped at him when he called me using the tone I have memorized by heart. Halata ang pag-aalala sa kanyang mga mata nang naupo sa gilid ng kama habang nakatingin sa akin. My heart raced when he held my hand and played with my fingers.

"Do we have a problem?" His voice was quiet and lonely. "I'm sorry if I'm not a fortune teller. But I can feel... that we have a problem. Can we please talk about it now? Or later... after you eat."

I swallowed hard. Binawi ko ang kamay sa kanya. Sinubukan kong ngumiti para ipakita na wala namang problema pero hindi ko maiangat ang gilid ng labi ko.

"Axe... have you ever liked other women?"

Kumunot ang noo niya. "I have."

Bumaon ang kuko ko sa palad. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa kamay ko na mukhang napansin yata ang ginawa ko.

"I like Emma Watson..." His gaze blinked at me. "Emma Stone, too... Zendaya... Angelina Jolie... and Ariana Grande."

My nose scrunched. 

"And Taylor Swift. You love her and her songs. I tried listening to her music and started to like them..." he added.

"Why do you only like actresses from Hollywood?" My eyes squinted. "I'm referring to other girls around you. Say, your classmates..."

Ang inosente at nagtatakang mata ay nanatili sa akin. "I like your girl friends because they make my favorite person smile."

Nanikip ang dibdib ko. I appreciate how he always considers the people I treasure and admire as good influencers to me.

"Izzy, you're not thinking I like other girls... like how I like you, are you?" His tone was laced with agitation.

"Bakit? Wala ba?" Hindi ko na napigilan. "Ni hindi ka ba nagkagusto sa ibang babae na... tipong gusto mong gawin sa kanya ang mga bagay na hindi ko magawa sa 'yo? Na hindi mo kayang gawin sa akin?"

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. I wasn't sure if what I saw in his eyes was confusion, dismay, or pain. Or these three in one. Like he had never thought I would accuse him of infidelity. Or if he really understood what I meant.

Kumurap-kurap siya bago ipinasada ang kamay sa buhok. His mouth partly opened and his chest rose heavily when he inhaled.

"I... I want your questions clear first, Izzy." He fixed his gaze on me. "Anong bagay ang tinutukoy mo na gusto kong gawin sa iba na hindi ko magawa sa 'yo? Dahil ang saktan ka lang naman ang hindi ko kayang gawin sa 'yo—kahit sa ibang tao. I wouldn't—"

"Do you want to have sex with me?"

His eyeballs almost bailed out of their sockets. "What?"

"I'm asking if you ever wanted to have sex with me? Naisip mo man lang ba na... gusto akong hawakan... o..."

Halos uminit ang buong mukha ko sa mga pinagtatanong. My mouth won't just zip close!

Mariin niyang kinagat ang ibabang labi at bumaba ang tingin sa labi ko. Napalunok ako. We have never talked about this before. Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa mga mata ko at nakitaan ko na ng iritasyon iyon subalit ang mga tainga at pisngi ay namumula.

"You are asking me that... but you seem afraid that I'll say yes rather than saying no."

My stomach twisted, and I looked away. He shifted on his seat, coming near me. His scent invading my nose was the kind of solace from him that didn't need talking and touching.

"I don't want to do it with anyone but you, Izzy. I only want to... do you."

Hindi ko alam kung saan na patungo ang usapan namin. Naliliyo na ako sa amoy niya lalo na noong ilagay niya ang isang kamay sa kabila kong gilid at yumuko pa para hulihin ang mga mata ko. Nakulong ako sa katawan at bisig niya habang ang isang kamay ay marahang humahaplos sa panga at pisngi ko.

"It pains me knowing you think I'd ever like other girls than you, let alone have coitus with them. It will never happen, Izzy. You've long surpassed that stage. I don't only like you..." he supplied dearly, bestowing me a peck on the lips despite not having brushed my teeth yet.

His teeth pulled my lower lip gently, thrusting his tongue into my mouth. Iniwas ko ang mukha sa kanya at tinakpan ang bibig. Nanliit lalo ang mata niya sa ginawa ko.

"Y-you would not cheat on me?" tanong ko habang nakatakip pa rin ang kamay sa bibig. "Really? You never cheated?"

He caught my wrist and pinned it down back against the mattress on my side.

"That word only exists in my vocabulary but it will never be practiced. Hindi sa school, hindi sa kahit saan... at mas lalong hindi sa 'yo." Bumaba muli ang labi niya sa akin, nanunukso, nang-aakit, at nakakapanghina. "I'll prove my innocence from your charge, Miss... but I'll show you I'm no longer innocent when it comes to you."