Chapter 34

"Pagod na ako, Axe."

Itinikom niya ang bibig at napayuko. Before, he'd use the back of his fingers to cover his mouth when he got shy or embarrassed. But now... he was using it to wipe the tears from his eyes.

It may be a slight difference, and it may not matter to anyone... but it does to me. His every small gesture matters to me.

I heard him sniff before he lifted his chin again to face me. Mariin kong kinagat ang labi, sinusubukang gawing matapang ang ekspresyon habang tinitingnan siya. Pulang-pula na agad ang kanyang mata at ilong sa saglit na pag-iyak.

"I understand. Swimming can really get you tired," mahinang aniya. "I... still have energy, Izzy. You c-can recharge... for free."

Halos madurog ang puso ko nang dahan-dahan niyang ibinuka ang mga braso sa gilid. Ilang beses na umalon ang kanyang lalamunan at pilit na inaangat ang sulok ng mga labi.

"You can take all my energy if you're tired." His voice broke. "Just don't get tired of us, please..."

I shook my head. "Pagod na ako sa relasyon natin. Pagod na ako sa 'yo, Axe. Iyan... nakuha mo na ba?"

"Paano ka napagod? Bakit ka napagod?" He bit his lip and closed his eyes for a moment. "Ano pong... g-ginawa ko para mapagod ka?"

Tinitigan ko siya. I'm so afraid to open my mouth again. Baka imbes na salita ang lumabas ay hikbi na.

"What did I do that tires you? Please, do tell me. Hindi ko na po gagawin," nanginginig ang boses niya nang sabihin iyon.

I shifted my gaze from him to the swimming pool. Hindi ko na kayang tingnan pa ang mga mata niyang puno ng pagsusumamo.

Why can't you say directly that you want to break up with him, Izzy? Isn't it what you really want?

The wind blew and brushed my skin, but I didn't flinch from my position. His arms were so tempting to be inside of them. To be wrapped by them. To enjoy the warmth and solace they bring to me.

I got a whiff of his baby scent when he went near me. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa paa nang makitang inilapag niya sa tapat nito ang tsinelas ko bago tumayo at ipinatong sa balikat ko ang tuwalya.

My lips quivered and my eyes turned cloudy. Nanatili akong nakayuko habang inaayos niya ang tuwalya sa katawan ko para matakpan ito. His shoes moved closer to mine before he held my head to kiss the top of it.

Unti-unting lumiwanag ang paligid dahil sa paglitaw ng araw. But the sunlight wasn't enough to illumine the gloomy weather between us.

Pumungay ang mata ko nang ilagay niya sa likod ng tainga ang aking buhok. His finger crawled from there down to my chin, hoisting it to meet his restless eyes.

"Izzy..." he drew softly. "Believe me when I say it will be much more tiring the moment you let me go..."

I stared at him with mouth agape. Mas naniningkit pa ang kanyang mata habang nakatitig sa akin.

He tilted his head and crouched a bit, not taking his hypnotizing eyes off me.

"Trust me when I say you have to trust me. Hold onto me... even if it's just the tip of your finger. I'll help and carry you throughout our journey. Didn't I say that before..." patuloy niya sa marahang boses.

My nose twitched, and my shoulders began shaking. I shut my eyes and set free the sobs I was holding in. I imprisoned myself behind the barred cell of obscurity that I overlooked the small ray of light that could save me from being completely succumbed to dullness.

Hindi ko pala kaya nang mag-isa. Mahirap... pero kailangan ko pa ring gawin ito.

"Let's break up, Axe," I declared with finality.

Hindi ko na kinailangang marinig pa ang sasabihin niya at tinalikuran ko na siya para iwan. It's for our own good. Dahil kung magtatagal pa kami, pareho lang kaming masasaktan sa isa't isa.

It was courageous of me to tell my parents about it, including Ral, who appeared rather distracted. Naturally, Mama asked what went wrong, but I just told her lies, such as I was starting to like someone else and that it would be unfair for Axe if we would still continue our relationship.

She was still confused and astonished while Papa seemed mad, but held his mouth shut. Siguro ay iniisip na nila kung paano pa sila maghaharap ni Tito Miko lalo na't isa siya sa pinakamalapit na kaibigan ni Papa.

At kapag nalaman pa ito ni Tita Dias... siguradong kamumuhian niya ako sa pananakit sa kanyang anak.

Deserve ko naman kung sakaling ganoon nga.

"What in damnation are you saying, Eleftheria Isra? You ended things with Axasiel?" Harley blurted out with wide eyes.

Linggo naman kaya naisipan kong pumunta sa kanila ngayon para mag-practice mag-bake. May subject kami na Bread and Pastry kung saan hindi ko forte at kung saan naman siya magaling.

Minamasa ko ang ginawa kong dough. Naka-apron at hairnet ako dahil sagabal ang mahaba kong buhok. Samantalang siya, naka-apron lang at nakatali ang buhok at wala pang ginagawa. Ang sabi niya ay hihintayin niya raw 'yong kaibigan ni Wilder dahil magpapaturo mag-bake.

"Yeah..." I shrugged like it was not a big deal.

"What? Oh my gosh, Eria! Nababaliw ka na ba? Si Axasiel 'yon! Si Axasiel Rafiki Ferguson na 'yon! Oh my gosh!" paulit-ulit niya pang sinambit ang huling ekspresyon.

Napailing na lang ako. Napaigtad ako sa kinatatayuan nang hablutin niya ang braso ko para paharapin sa kanya. She placed a hand on her waist and squinted her eyes on me.

"Huwag mo akong ilingan lang, Eria. Tell me, bakit ka nakipaghiwalay?"

I elevated my chin. Her brow arched whilst still glowering at me.

"I like someone else now. That's all—"

"Who? Tell me, who the fuck is better than my Axasiel?"

I scoffed. "Your Axasiel?"

"Oo! Bata ko 'yon, e. Tapos sinaktan mo lang? So tell me the name I shall write in my Death Notebook." Pinagkrus niya ang braso sa tapat ng dibdib. "Siguraduhin mo lang na mas guwapo, mas matangkad, mas matalino, mas cute, mas magalang, mas sweet, mas thoughtful, mas gentleman, mas kayang tiisin 'yang mukha at ugali mo, at mas mahal na mahal ka?"

I devoured my tongue when she mentioned all the traits of a guy that a woman wish to have for the rest of their life. Para bang ipinapamukha niyang nanalo na ako ng jackpot sa lotto pero pinunit ko lang ang ticket na kailangan sa pag-claim ng pera. That was how she said those words.

"Oh? Natahimik ka? Kasi alam mo sa sarili mo na hindi mauungusan ng kahit sino si Axasiel para sa 'yo? Kahit mapantayan man lang?" Her voice was full of sarcasm. "Maaaring mayroon ngang hihigit pa sa kanya para sa ibang tao. E, para sa 'yo? Meron ba?"

Ayokong patunayan sa kanya na tama siya. Kaya naman pinantayan ko na ang tingin niya at itinaas ang noo.

"Meron. Si Dwight," matapang kong sinabi.

Halos tumirik ang mata niya at mariing napapikit. Bumuga siya nang marahas at pinaghiwalay ang mga braso sa dibdib. She stomped her foot in frustration.

"Naku! Bet ko 'yang si Dwight noon para sa 'yo, pero my goodness, Eria! Kulangot niya lang pala si Axasiel!"

My lips puffed as I emitted a laugh. Ang sarap lang niyang hampasin dahil seryoso ang pinag-uusapan namin tapos babanat siya ng ganoon?

"I'm serious here! Maputi at chinito lang 'yang si Dwight tulad ni Axe! Axasiel is way much better than him. The salmon is already served on your plate, yet you'd choose to let it go for a tilapia?"

Tumigil ako sa pagtawa at napailing na lang. This dough still need to rest in order to rise. Kaya nauna rin akong gumawa ay dahil matagal pa ang hihintayin.

Natigil ako sa naisip at tinitigan ang dough. I repeated what I had just said inwardly.

In order to rise... you need to rest.

Ang daling sabihin pero bakit parang hindi ko magawa?

"It doesn't matter if the fish is expensive or not, Harley. As long as I can eat it..."

"Oh, shut it. It doesn't always work like that." She rolled her eyes. "You should never settle for less in life. Think not just of your present but also the future, especially when we're talking about who's gonna be with us until the end."

Natahimik ako. Binilog ko na ang dough na minamasa at inabot ang malapit na babasaging mixing bowl para ilagay iyon doon.

"Financially speaking, either of them is okay, so you don't have to think about it that much. What you should consider is whom you think your heart fully belongs. With whom do you think you can see yourself in the near future?"

Axasiel, of course. Only to him. But I didn't say it aloud.

"Mas... malapit ang edad namin ni Dwight. He's already an adult like me while Axe... he's still a kid..."

Kumunot ang noo ko nang kuhanin niya sa akin ang bowl na hawak.

"Kaluluto mo yata 'yan, Eria, kaya pati utak mo, luto na." Umirap siya ulit. "For damn's sake, mas matured pa nga yata mag-isip si Axe kaysa sa 'yo kahit mas bata siya."

"B-but he's still a minor, and I'm an adult! Mali 'yon..." I explained, but it seemed like I was only convincing myself. "Mali iyon para sa mata ng ibang tao..."

"Ah... kalahating taon na kayo nang maisip mo na minor pa lang pala talaga siya?" Pagak siyang natawa. "At mali na agad iyon dahil sa edad niyo? Bakit? Paano? Did you already cross the boundary, Eria?"

"Hindi pero mali pa rin..." utas ko at napayuko sa kamay.

"Hmm? Tingin ko naman ay walang mali roon. Hindi naman din ganoon kalaki ang agwat niyo. Legal kayo sa parents at may consent naman bago naging kayo. And... naghalikan na ba kayo?"

Nanlaki ang mata ko at agad uminit ang pisngi. Naningkit ang mata niya.

"I remember the one you told me before. But other than that, did you two kiss again? More intimate than the first one?"

Agad akong umiling. "We just hug each other. Holding hands. At sa pisngi lang ako humahalik..." Tapos ay idinagdag ko ang pangalawang beses na hinalikan ko siya.

"Sure ka? Hindi umabot ng third base?"

Hinampas ko siya sa braso. "Anong third base? He's too young for that!"

"Oh, hindi naman pala. So, anong mali kung kayo na ngayon? Hangga't alam niyo ang boundary niyo, tingin ko ay wala namang masama roon. You know your limits. Axasiel knows his limits, too. Kasinglinis ba naman ng holy water ang utak no'n, e, mahihiya ka talagang dumihan 'yon."

Akala ko ba noong una ay tutol siya sa amin?

She used her finger to push the greased mixing bowl back in front of me on their long island counter. Iniabot niya rin sa akin ang rolyo ng cling wrap bago lumayo.

"An action can not be done without thinking about it first. If your brain thinks evil, that's already wrong. An evil thought, even without action, is still wrong." Ngumisi siya. "Ask yourself: have you ever thought of doing that evil deed with him? Or have you ever thought dirty about him?"

I stared at her to process her words and question. Harley tilted her head in anticipation.

I slowly shook my head.

"You can only do evil things once the idea is molded in your mind. If none, then, I don't find anything wrong about you being in a relationship with Axasiel. Isipin mo na lang din na nandiyan din ang parents niyo both side para i-guide kayo dahil alam nila na pareho pa rin naman kayong bata. 'Yong isa, bata sa edad. 'Yong isa, isip bata kahit mas matanda. Your parents are supporting you but I don't think they will tolerate acts beyond your boundaries."

Natahimik ako. Nagtaas siya ng kilay habang nakatitig pa rin sa akin.

"A significant age gap between a minor and adult is still a no for me. Kung 15 pa lang si Axe pero 19 ka na, tingin ko ay hindi pa talaga pupuwede iyon. Hindi naman na ganoon kalaki ang agwat ng inyo..." sabi niya at napakunot ang noo habang tumitingin sa kisame. "Sabi ko kasi sa 'yo dapat pinatagal mo na lang ang panliligaw ni Axe para hindi ka namomroblema sa age gap na 'yan. Pati ako na-stress sa math! Tapos b-in-reak mo lang din!"

I gaped at her unbelievingly. "Parang kasasabi mo lang na ayos lang iyong sa amin tapos..." Umiling ako. "At kahit naman hintayin ko siya maging legal, hindi pa rin mababago na nagkagusto ako sa... mas bata."

Umirap siya at humilig sa counter. Sinalo ng kanang palad ang kanyang baba.

"To be honest, I'm biased." She chuckled. "Siyempre, kilala ko kayo at kaibigan kita. Your situation is a debatable argument, and I'm on the affirmative side; hence I need to support my claim—to support you—with clear and valid reasoning. If my point is wrong and invalid for the other side, then I will respect that. Ang mahalaga, alam niyong wala kayong iniisip o ginagawang mali."

Kahit wala kaming iniisip at ginagawang mali, alam kong maiisip pa rin iyon ng ibang tao. Ganoon pa rin ang iisipin nila. Ayaw ko nang i-justify pa ang relasyon namin

Oo, maaaring hindi lang kami ang nasa ganitong relasyon. At hindi dahil may iba pang tao ang tulad namin, ibig sabihin ay tama at katanggap-tanggap na sa mata ng lahat.

"Pero hiwalay na kami kaya—"

"Magluluto ka ba ng adobo?"

My brows tangled. "Huh?"

"Sahog sa adobo ang toyo, ha? Hindi inuugali." She laughed and rolled her eyes again. "Think about it again, babe. Iisa lang si Axasiel sa mundo."

We still need to wait for about an hour to let the dough rise and doubled it size while kept in a warm place. Kaya naman habang hinihintay ang bisita ni Harley ay nilinis muna namin ang island counter at mga gamit para sa gagawin nila mamaya.

Her dogs barged inside the kitchen with consecutive loud barks. I washed my hands first before removing my apron and hairnet. Kinuha ko si Cookie nang lumapit siya sa akin.

"Hi, baby!" I giggled when she licked my cheek. "Ang bigat mo na, ha? Sagana kayo sa pagkain, e."

I played with the dogs while still in their kitchen. Samantalang si Harley naman ay lumabas ng kusina dahil narinig ang tunog ng doorbell. Siguro ay ang bisita niya na 'yon.

I was laughing when Eclair and Ambrosia pretended to be dead when I told them so. Si Cannoli at Cookie naman ay kinakalabit ang dalawang nagpapanggap na patay.

A quick, clicking sound caught my attention. Napatunghay ako at lumingon sa paligid hanggang sa namataan si Axasiel malapit sa entrada ng kusina. Nakasuot ng black and white pullover, cargo shirt, at ball cap na nakabaliktad. Kumunot ang noo ko nang napansing nakatutok ang kanyang phone sa akin.

His chinky eyes widened and immediately angled his phone to his right side, smiling a bit on the screen and another shutter sound from his gadget was heard. Ibinaba niya rin iyon agad at muling bumaling sa akin.

"Did you take a picture of me without my permission?"

His lips hung open, and the apparent guilt in his brown orbs surfaced. I pressed my lips together and lifted my ass off the chair to march toward his place.

Hindi naman siya gumalaw, para bang hinihintay rin akong lumapit. Tumigil ako sa tapat niya at itinaas ang baba para mapantayan ang tingin niya.

"Delete it..."

"Ayoko po." He looked away and murmured something I couldn't hear.

I clenched my jaw and reached for his hand where he was holding the phone. Itinaas niya agad iyon at tumagilid ang ulo habang pinagmamasdan ako.

"Kinuhanan mo ba ako ng picture?"

Tinitigan niya ako. Nasasamyo ko na ang pamilyar niyang pabango sa lapit namin kaya umatras ako. His eyelids lowered at my move before he nodded.

"Delete it," mariing ulit ko. "Ayokong kinukuhanan ako nang hindi ko alam at nahuli ko pa."

His lips thrust forward as he handed me his phone. I gulped and took it from him. My heart drubbed when I saw my smiling face on his lock screen. Hindi niya pa pinapalitan?

I placed the pad of my finger on the fingerprint scanner, which quickly unlocked, only to reveal our photo as his home screen. Pareho kaming naka-uniform at nasa Dagohoy nito. I was smiling at the camera while he was staring at me with his chin lounging over his palm.

Pilit kong kinunot ang noo at pumunta sa gallery. Nakalimutan ko na ang gagawin nang magsimula na akong mag-scroll doon at halos pictures ko o naming dalawa lang ang laman. Nakita ko na naman ito noon pa man at ayos lang sa akin pero ngayon...

"Don't..." he spoke softly. "Please, don't delete them."

I dabbed his phone into his chest. Kinuha niya naman iyon mula sa kamay ko pero sinadya pang hawakan ako. I cruised my tongue over my lips.

"Delete it yourself." Humalukipkip ako habang nakatitig lang siya sa akin. "And stop staring."

"My eyes are made to stare at you, though," mahinang sambit niya. "And I'm not gonna delete the photos."

"Break na tayo, hindi ba? Kaya burahin mo na."

He pursed his lips, and a phantom smirk was trying to escape.

"Kung break na po tayo, bakit mo pa po ako inuutusan?"

"Ha!" Umiwas ako ng tingin at pagak na tumawa. "S-siyempre, ako 'y-yang nasa phone mo! Dapat i-delete mo na—"

"Ayaw ko po," ulit niya at ngumiti sa akin.

I melted on the spot at his smile. Like the usual effect to me every time he does small gestures like this. At naiinis ako dahil hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ba ang epekto niyang ganito sa akin.

And how could he still smile at me like he didn't cry and we didn't break up? Nakuha niya pa talaga akong asarin?

My nose flared as I fired him an angry stare. "E 'di don't!"

I puffed out a sigh and was about to turn my back on him when he seized my hand gently. Napatalon ako sa gulat at bumaba ang tingin sa kamay naming magkasalikop.

"Sorry na. Huwag ka na pong magalit..." malambing niyang sinabi.

"Bitaw."

I batted my eyes upward and scanned his face. His teeth pulled the side of his bottom lip, but he eventually restrained it. Bahagya niyang hinila ang mga kamay ko.

"Can we have at least this Sunday for us, please?" he requested gently, stroking my thumb fondly.

Hirap akong lunukin ang nakabara sa lalamunan. I was still in an internalized tug of war when the dogs started barking near us. Marami rin akong narinig na boses na mukhang palapit sa direksiyon namin kaya marahas kong hinila ang kamay sa hawak ni Axe.

I rapidly stepped away from him when Harley entered the kitchen along with a short girl. Nakabuntot sa kanila ang kanyang kapatid kasama sina Ral, Wilder, at Ajasiel. Tawa nang tawa si Wilder habang kausap ang huli.

Ano 'to, bonding nila? At pupunta rin pala rito si Ral, bakit hindi na lang siya sumabay sa akin kanina?

Ayaw niya akong kasabay?

"Oh! Nandito pala si Axe, e," si Harley nang tumigil malapit sa amin.

Sinulyapan ko si Axe na pinagmamasdan pa rin ako. Nilapitan naman siya ni Aji at Wilder. Ang kapatid ko naman ay nilagpasan lang kami habang si Rain ay lumuhod para laruin ang aso.

"Hoy, kayong mga bata. Umalis na nga muna kayo rito at ayaw kong maingay sa kusina," sita ni Harley sa mga lalaki.

"Alright, Ma'am. But I'm not a child anymore," si Aji habang nakangisi.

Inirapan lang siya ni Harley.

Naglakad na kami patungo sa island counter. Sumulyap lang ako sa likuran at napansin na palabas na rin sila ng kusina habang malakas pa rin ang boses no'ng dalawa. Bahagya pang tinutulak ni Axe ang likod ng kapatid habang sumusulyap din sa direksiyon namin.

"Hello po," the short girl greeted with a beam the moment we put an end to our track.

She was surely the girl Harley was talking about. She seemed cheerful and friendly with her round face while showing her complete set of white teeth. Ang medyo kulot na buhok ay bagsak hanggang sa ibaba ng kanyang tainga. Mayroon siyang yellow floral print na bandana sa ulo at sinadyang may buhok na nakalabas sa magkabilang gilid

She was cute.

I smiled at her. "Hi! Ikaw 'yong friend ni Wilder, tama ba? The one who sells crochet tops?"

"Opo! Solasta Twyla po ang pangalan ko pero puwede niyo po akong tawaging Twy na lang," sabi niya at naglahad ng kamay sa akin. "Nice to meet you po... Ate uhm..."

Tinanggap ko naman ang maliit niyang kamay habang nakangiti. "Eleftheria Isra. You can call me Ate Izzy."

Ngumuso siya at kumurap-kurap ang bilugang mata. It emphasized her long and curly eyelashes. Tingin ko ay magkasing mapusyaw ang kulay ng aming balat.

"E-lef..." she tried to enunciate, and her cheeks blushed at once.

Bahagya akong natawa. "E-lef-de-ri-yah Is-ra," I repeated syllabically and slowly for her.

Ngumisi si Harley at inakbayan ang bata. Twy really looked so small and tiny beside my friend. Hanggang dibdib lang siya ni Harley, e.

"Siya 'yong nag-order ng pitong crochet top sa 'yo, last time, baby Twy."

Mas lalong namilog ang mga mata niya at ang maliit na bibig. Nagulat ako nang lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ang dalawang kamay ko. She looked up at me with sparkling stars in her chocolate eyes.

"Thank you so much po for buying my crochet tops. I really appreciate it po! Next time po, I'll make you a free crochet item, too!" galak na galak niyang sinabi.

"Eh? Hindi ka ba malulugi no'n?"

Umiling siya. "Hindi po, Ate Izzy. Actually po kasi, hobby ko lang talaga ang mag-crochet kaya ayos lang po na gawan ko kayo nang walang bayad."

Harley chuckled and patted Twy's head. "Binigyan niya na nga ako noong nakaraan."

"Hindi niyo po sinabi sa akin agad na kakilala niyo rin po 'yong nag-order po sa akin nang marami," tila naninising sabi ni Twy habang nanunulis ang nguso.

"Ba't parang kasalanan ko, baby Twy? Sige, hindi na kita tuturuan mag-bake!" si Harley at tumalikod pa pero ngumingisi naman.

"I-it's just a joke po, Ate Li! Ang ganda niyo po! Hehe."

Napailing ako at nangingiting pinagmasdan ang dalawa. Sobrang bubbly at daldal pala nitong batang 'to. Napaisip tuloy ako kung sinong unang nakipag-usap sa kanilang dalawa ni Wilder. Kaya siguro nagkasundo ay dahil parehong madaldal.

Tinuturuan ni Harley si Twy tungkol sa mga gamit, ingredients, at mga gagawin habang pinapanood ko sila. Sa daldal ng huli habang nagpapaliwanag ang kaibigan ko ay lagi tuloy siyang napipitik sa noo pero tumatawa naman.

"Miss Isra."

Napatingin ako sa harapan nang mapansin si Ajasiel na nakangisi. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa counter nang may ipatong siya roon at pinadulas sa direksiyon ko.

"Paano napunta sa 'yo 'to?" tukoy ko sa phone.

Imbes na sumagot ay kinindatan niya lang ako.