too late to say goodbye by cage the elephant

tyler loves going to the carnival when it is in town and josh is a carny who has a soft spot for the doe eyed brunette.

trans!tyler (male to female)

tw: smut :))

this is a long one, so get comfy (also unedited)

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vibrant hues of every color imaginable flashed against her, casting a mask of rainbow lights across her sculpted face; her freckle dusted nose accentuated with turquoise, cheekbones reflecting a shade of lavender over her highlighter.

tyler's stomach churned in giddiness as she allowed her surroundings to soak in, her grip on her best friend's hand tightening as her raspberry lips tugged upwards into a smile.

it was the first of four nights that the carnival would be in town, tyler and jenna not missing the opportunity to continue their tradition of visiting on opening night. they walked hand in hand through the large crowd, planning the night through exchanged proposals and jocund laughter.

tyler wasn't one for carnival rides, preferring to stick with the tamer attractions, such as the game booths and fun houses. jenna was the complete opposite, loving the thrill and adrenaline that rushed through her body when she went on the rides. but tyler was patient, happy to stand off to the side and wait for her. she kept herself occupied by focusing on the various booths set up around her, the one selling cotton candy sticking out the most to her. she double checked to make sure she had time to buy the sugary treat before jenna got off of the ride, not wanting to worry her into thinking she disappeared.

with that she sauntered off towards the booth, taking a five dollar bill out of her wallet as she waited in line. once she made it
the register she slid the money across the counter and politely asked for a bag of the pink cotton candy, a large smile on her face as she made her way back to jenna, mouth full of the fairy floss as she walked.

jenna rolled her lively eyes at her best friend, amused with the girl's seemingly never ending craving for anything containing sugar. she would eat candy all day if she could, and jenna often wondered how her teeth hadn't rotted out of her mouth.

"you and your sweet tooth," the blond teased, nevertheless grabbing a small chunk of the fluffy treat and popping it in her mouth, licking the sticky residue off of her fingers before she turned to tyler as if asking what her friend wanted to do next.

"can we do the ring toss?" tyler giddily asked, pointing to the booth that had the biggest stuffed animals she had ever seen hung up as prizes.

"babe, you're gonna blow all your money on it. those are rigged and the chances of you actually getting one of those stuffed animals that are bigger than you are slim to none." jenna tried to deter tyler away from the game but it was no use, the brunette not one to step down so easily. she made her way to the booth, jenna following closely behind, confidently slamming a ten dollar bill onto the counter and successfully gaining the attention of the man working the booth.

he had faded pink hair, the same color as tyler's cotton candy, and as soon as he turned around tyler was at a loss for words, her previous confidence drained from her body because holy fuck he was attractive. tyler popped more cotton candy in her mouth from being so nervous.

"ten dollars worth of attempts for the pretty girl?" he asked, and tyler's heart sped up. she was shocked, but ecstatic, that he used the correct pronouns without having to be told. she looked at jenna with wide eyes, trying to hold back the tears of pure happiness, not wanting to ruin her makeup.

"that'd be great," jenna spoke up, sensing tyler's speechlessness and knowing she was too surprised to talk. the man turned away for a moment, grabbing two handfuls of rings and placing them in front of tyler.

"the rules are basic. the bottles are floating on water and they move around quite a bit, but you try to toss those rings over the top of the bottles. ten rings and you get the grand prize," he explained, flashing a charming grin as he stepped aside to allow tyler space to toss the rings.

"it, um, says that ten dollars only gets you ten rings, but this looks closer to thirty rings," she squeaked out, confused as to why she was given so many.

"mhm," he nodded along. "i can't just let a pretty girl like you walk away without a prize of some sort."

tyler didn't know how to respond and instead settled with a tiny giggle, picking up the first ring and leaning forward to aim it at a bottle, missing by a few inches as her face flushed red in embarrassment.

"wow, i'm not very good at this, tyler chuckled, eating more cotton candy as her eyes flickered from the bag to the carnival worker's hair. "it kinda looks like i'm eating your hair."

she was scared that what she said was stupid, but she was relieved when he let out a hearty laugh, eyes squinting shut and tongue poking past his teeth as dimples made themselves known on his cheeks, tyler swearing she fell in love right then and there.

"what's your name, beautiful?" he asked, sitting up on the counter as he spun his body around so he was facing tyler and jenna, legs dangling off the side.

"'m tyler," she said timidly, scuffing her platform sandals on the dirt ground, something she did when she was anxious.

"well, tyler, my name is josh," josh divulged, holding his hand out for the girl to shake. she giggled and ducked her head down as he brought her hand up to his mouth, kissing her hand fondly.

"i don't mean to interrupt you two," jenna spoke, "but i just got ten rings over the bottles and i'm really feelin' that purple monkey up there."

"jen, that's not the one i wanted!" tyler whined, upset at her friend because it was her money and she deserved the prize.

"y'know, what," josh began, standing up on the counter to take the purple monkey down, handing it to jenna. "which one do you like the best, tyler?"

tyler's eyes scanned her options, immediately drawn to the large blue alpaca that was no doubt bigger than her (which wasn't too difficult, considering she was only 4'9).

"the blue alpaca," she told josh, earning a nod from him as he took the stuffed animal down, hopping off of the counter, landing on the same side tyler was on.

"my shift ends at eight. it'd be really cool if you stuck around; i'd love to take you on a date, if you're up to it."

"yes, of course," tyler spluttered, words jumbling from how happy she was. "that sounds lovely."

"awesome. meet me here at ten past eight, okay? i have to get changed and freshen up a bit so i'm not some greasy looking carny anymore," josh joked, or at least tyler took it as a joke, because josh was nowhere near a greasy looking carny.

"yeah, that works. i'll see you then." and with that tyler was stumbling away alongside jenna, finding it difficult to navigate around with the giant alpacain her arms.

🎠

the next few hours were filled with laughter and warm grins, the two best friends enjoying themselves to their full extent as they waited for eight o'clock to come around. tyler was beyond eager as she stood next to jenna in front of the booth she was supposed to be meeting josh at, eyes darting every-which-way in attempt to spot that bubblegum hair.

she jumped in surprise when she felt a light tap on her shoulder, spinning around and coming face to face with josh. he was no longer in his work uniform, instead changed into a pair of black jeans and a loose fitting muscle tank. he was perfection in tyler's eyes, the definition of the girl's "type", if that's what you could call it.

"you ready, beautiful?" josh held his hand out to tyler, tyler lacing her fingers together with his and loving the way it felt so natural.

"ty, i'm gonna stay around for a bit, text me if you need anything. i'll probably leave later, as long as you're comfortable with it," jenna said, smiling lightly at josh because she knew how difficult dating could be for tyler.

"that's fine," tyler assured, hugging her, although not very easily due to the alpaca she was still carrying around. "see you later, jen."

tyler and josh walked away, hand in hand, enjoying each other's presence. josh looked down at tyler, pushing her long hair away from her face as the wind blew it around.

"i was thinking we could get something to eat and just get to know each other first," josh suggested. tyler hummed in agreement and the pink haired boy tugged her towards a food stand. "this is the best one we have. i only really trust ashley with my food."

"hey, josh. what can i get for you?" the blue haired girl asked, leaning over the counter.

"one large blue raspberry slushie and two soft pretzels, to start."

ashley, as tyler had learned, turned back, getting their order for them, which josh took since tyler's hands were full. they found the closest picnic table, plopped their stuff down, and tyler was happy to finally be able to put the alpaca down. they sat opposite of each other, the slushie in the middle of them as they each worked on their pretzels.

"what'd you name the alpaca?"

tyler thought about it for a minute, perking up when she thought of the perfect name. "tilly!"

"tilly... i like it," josh chuckled.

"so, how old are you?" josh asked once he had washed down his first bite of the pretzel with a sip of the slush.

"eighteen, you?"

"nineteen."

"so how long have you been working at the carnival?" tyler picked at her chipping black nail polish, not liking the messy appearance they gave her.

"i joined when i was seventeen," josh shrugged, holding tyler's hand. "it was in town and i needed to get away from home, and they took me with open arms. i've found a new home, and i wouldn't trade it for anything."

tyler was curious what josh meant when he said he needed to get away from home, but she was scared to ask, not wanting to upset him. "that's really cool. sometimes i wish i could just get away."

"it's nice, y'know, going from city to city every few days. it gets lonely, though. sometimes i wish i could just find someone to settle down with and not have to worry about any of this carnival shit."

"yeah, i get that." tyler interlaced both hands with josh's, loving the comforting way he rubbed a thumb over her knuckles. his big hazel eyes bored into her brown doe eyes, smiles breaking out onto their faces.

"i can't believe how fucking beautiful you are," josh whispered, tyler's cheeks flooding with a light pink as she giggled. "can i kiss you?"

she nodded profusely, and josh pulled her face into his hands, pressing his lips gently against her own, savoring the taste of blue raspberry on her plump, blue-stained lips. tyler wasn't used to kissing, only having done it a few times in the past. but none of them held any emotion, unlike the one she was experiencing at that moment. josh was holding her face as if it was fragile; kissing her lips like she would break if he was any more rough. tyler had only met him a few hours prior, but he already treated her better than anyone else she had ever been with.

when they pulled away they were each silent, the ability to speak completely slipping away. josh cleared his throat, "d'ya wanna just talk for a bit now?"

"whatever you want," tyler answered, standing up from the picnic bench and wiping the crimbs off of her jean shorts before seating herself once again.

as josh spoke to her she couldn't help but zone out, feeling like every pair of eyes was on her, most likely thinking about who and what she was. she claimed that she was used to the stares, convincing jenna that they didn't bother her, but man, was that a load of bullshit. she never wanted jenna to worry about her, knowing she already had enough problems of her own, so tyler said that she was fine. god, did those comments hurt, though. she was used to the mumbles of 'tranny' as she walked by, or the times people would refer to her as it instead of her. each time stung just as much as the last.

eventually tyler was paying attention once again, but the voice in the back of her head still screamed at her that josh needed a real girl, or a real boy. the last thing tyler wanted was for josh to stop being attracted to her after he found out who she really was. she didn't want to scare him away, which is what often happened when things started to get serious with her past partners. she was always too much of a boy to be a girl, and too much of a girl to be a boy.

although it rarely happened, tyler lived for the moments people would use the correct pronouns without having to be told. it made her proud, feeling as though she could pass off as a female. that was all she wanted her whole life, and every time someone referred to her as a girl she knew she was getting closer and closer to her goal. sometimes she just felt as though it was their way of showing pity, that she didn't really pass off as a female, but she tried to keep that thought out of her head.

there was a lull in the conversation for a moment, tyler taking the opportunity to ask a question that had been eating away at her all night. "if you don't mind me asking, what's your sexual orientation?"

"i'm straight," josh informed. panic began to flood through tyler, her conscience screaming at her that her chance with josh was gone. she wanted to cry, to bawl until she had no tears left and all that came out was heaving breaths that left her throat raw and begging for water. she was stupid to think that she actually had a chance with him. but she held it together and put on a brave face, acting as though there was nothing wrong.

"that's cool, i am too." another lie, she thought. i'm pansexual. "it's getting late, i should probably get going."

"damn, i wish my shift had ended sooner so we could've spent more time together. i'll be working from noon to five tomorrow, do you want to come back at five and i can take you on another date?"

tyler wanted to disagree, knowing that she was just going to get heartbroken if she agreed. yet she found her self taking up the offer, telling him that she would love to go on another date with him.

tyler waddled back to the car, trying to see around the alpaca as it had posed as an obstruction of her view, trying not to trip or run into anything. josh helped guide her, his arm slung across her waist as he led her to her car.

"okay, beautiful, we're here," josh said, and tyler was rushing to unlock the car, wanting to get away from josh so she could cry. she shoved the alpaca into the passenger seat, turning to walk back to the driver's side. josh stopped her in her haste to get inside. "what's wrong? did i do something?"

"no, no," tyler sputtered. "i'm just not feeling the best."

"i'm sorry about that. i'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"right."

and right as tyler was sliding into her seat josh pressed his lips to hers for the second time that night, but it was just as gentle as the first time. tyler melted into josh's touch, almost forgetting why she was so upset in the first place. as soon as the kiss ended they bidded each other goodbye, tyler watching as josh walked away with a small skip in his step. she inhaled deeply, the exhale coming out shakily as she held back tears. she hated knowing that she would have to tell josh the truth sooner or later, not looking forward to his reaction. there was no doubt in tyler's mind that josh would no longer be interested in her after learning that she wasn't what he thought she was. she wanted to believe that maybe josh wouldn't be disappointed, that he would accept her for who she was, but she had learned to not get her hopes up.

tyler drove home with mascara stained tears dripping down her cheeks, leaving black streaks in their wake as they slipped past the slope of her nose and onto her lap. she wished she could be what josh wanted.

🎠

tyler felt sick as her sandals scuffed against the dirt beneath her, fingers twirling through her hair as she made her way towards the ring toss booth. josh immediately lit up in excitement at the sight of her, jogging in her direction and embracing her as he kissed her once again.

"i couldn't stop thinking about you," josh chuckled, taking tyler's hands in his own as he started walking. "i'm gonna take you on the ferris wheel, okay?"

she nodded in agreement, not trusting any words to come out of her mouth. as they weaved through the line tyler felt self conscious, seeing plenty of girls eying up josh, to which he just pulled tyler closer to his side protectively. she knew that they could offer things that tyler couldn't, and she felt as though she had been lying to josh the whole time.

"c'mon, tyler!" josh exclaimed as he pulled the girl into one of the ferris wheel cars with him, sitting beside her instead of across. he cupped her cheek and kissed her lightly, putting his other hand on the tiny curve of her waist. she was immensely proud of the curves she had developed with the help of estrogen pills, taking up every opportunity to flaunt them in any way possible. they were still extremely small, but any progress was a step on the right path, in her eyes. she had yet to have top surgery, but she was ecstatic about the fact that her breasts had grown enough that she could wear a bra, even though she was only a 30A. she wore push up bras to make them appear bigger, even contouring them occasionally to create a more realistic effect.

"can i touch you?" josh whispered, looking for any signs of discomfort in her body language. "just your chest for now."

tyler gulped, but nodded nonetheless, bringing her lips to josh's as she initiated a kiss. his hand cupped her softly over her shirt, despite the lack of breasts to actually fill his large hand. he still seemed to enjoy it, now bringing one hand to each breast as he attempted to knead the skin, a breathy moan slipping out of her mouth. but soon her anxiety was creeping up her spine, reminding her that she was lying to josh. she pushed back her tears, not allowing herself to cry and instead tried her best to enjoy the feeling of josh's hands on her skin.

the ride on the ferris wheel ended sooner than tyler wanted, but as soon as they got off josh was leading her to a trailer, flipping the light switch on as soon as he had opened the door.

"this is where i sleep. we can hang out in here if you'd like."

tyler took in her surroundings, surprised by how neat and organized everything was. the two beds were made, although tyler wasn't sure she would count them as beds; mattress on the floor would be a better description.

josh fell down onto it and patted the spot next to him, tyler timidly sitting down. she was the one to bring their lips together in a kiss, not wanting to talk. she couldn't tell josh, she just couldn't. she didn't know which would be worse; him finding out the truth on his own, or tyler informing him on her own. so she just kissed him, trying to keep her mind off of it as josh trailed a hand under her shirt this time, touching her breast directly over her bra without the extra layer.

"can i finger you, or eat you out?" josh's voice was so quiet, his tone nothing but respectful. tyler was tempted to disagree, wanting her time with josh to last as long as possible, knowing that once he saw what was underneath her underwear he would no longer want to be with her. she agreed, though, her lust winning over her anxiety. "i'm gonna take your shirt and bra off first, okay? and then i'll take your shorts and panties off."

josh slipped her shirt over her head, undoing the clasp on her bra as he gently placed them to the side, freeing her barely-there breasts. he placed a kiss over her nipple, a high pitched moan emitting from her. one side effect of her estrogen supplements was increased sensitivity of her nipples, but she had never noticed it until that moment. josh's hands toyed with the button of her shorts, popping it open as her breathing quickened and she studied every reaction that came across his face. she heard her zipper being undone and suddenly her breathing stopped, holding her breath as he hooked his fingers through her belt loops, tugging her shorts down her legs.

tyler finally choked out a loud sob as josh peered up at her confusedly, his expression one of pure shock. she curled her legs towards her chest, hiding herself from him as she buried her face in her knees and sobbing, not caring about how much her makeup was running.

"i'm so sorry!" she cried. "i lied to you and i'm so sorry!"

"hey, calm down. what are you talking about? how did you lie to me?"

"i'm not a girl, i have a fucking penis!" tyler yelled, although not very loudly as her voice cracked and she tried to pull her pants back on.

"tyler, listen to me for a minute," josh spoke and successfully gained the girl's attention. "i want you to really listen, okay? you are a girl. and you're a fucking beautiful girl. your physical anatomy does not make you any less of a girl than one with a vagina."

"but you're straight," she sniffled, allowing her legs to relax a bit as josh straightened them out and racked his eyes across her exposed body. his fingers lightly traced the lace trimming of her panties, a goofy grin on his lips.

"like i said, you're still a girl in my eyes. i still see you the same way i did when i first laid eyes on you yesterday. all i know is that i'm so fucking attracted to you. you're perfect, i promise you that. yes, i wasn't expecting that, but it doesn't change the way i feel about you."

tyler cried even harder after hearing that, unable to process the words that josh was saying. she felt like she wasn't hearing him correctly, that she was imagining the whole thing, but as she looked down and saw the pink haired boy marveling over her body she was reminded that yes, this was actually happening.

"you really mean it?" she asked, wiping at her eyes a bit.

"can i show you how much i mean it?" josh brushed his thumbs lightly over her nipples, her eyes fluttering closed as she bit her lip to hold in her noises of pleasure. she nodded her head and replaced josh's hands with her own as his moved to her pudgy thighs, spreading them apart.

he carefully slid her panties off, her hands immediately covering herself in embarrassment. he moved them so she was fully exposed, taking in the way her tip was dripping precum over her stomach. tyler could hear the hesitation in his next words, as if he didn't know what was the right thing to say.

"you're soaked, is all this for me?" he said. "was that okay? tell me if i say anything wrong."

tyler giggled, "i liked that. just talk to me like you would talk to any other girl."

tyler was hard, and she hated it, but she was too overwhelmed by pleasure to care in the moment.

"my clit," tyler panted. "you can touch my clit."

"your clit?" josh questioned, trying to understand what she meant. she circled a finger around her tip and he nodded in understanding. "you'd like that, wouldn't you? you want me to touch your clit?"

"you can also suck on it, but only my clit, nothing else."

josh did as told, wrapping his lips around tyler's tip as a shiver ran up her spine at the contact. it had been a while since she had had sex, or even touched herself, so she wasn't used to the blissful sensation. she whimpered when josh used one hand to pinch her nipples, the other collecting some of her precum and spreading it over her hole.

"can i finger your pussy, baby?"

"please!" tyler exclaimed, moaning as josh pushed his index finger slowly in.

"your pussy is so tight," josh groaned and sucked on tyler's tip, adding another finger as he slowly thrusted them in and out. tyler could tell that he had never done this before, the way he was hesitating before doing anything and his weary movements giving it away, but the fact that he was doing this for tyler was more than enough to make her feel good.

she yelped as his fingers suddenly curled up and repeatedly hit the spot inside of her that made stars flood her vision, dangerously close to her climax.

"i'm so close, josh. don't stop, oh my god," tyler whined, bucking her hips up as she came in josh's mouth, only a few drops spilling out, due to the estrogen lessening how much she ejaculated.

she was breathless as she collapsed back onto the mattress, curling in on herself again as josh cuddled up against her. he pushed her hair away and kissed her forehead.

"do you believe me now? you're the most beautiful girl i've ever met. don't doubt yourself, tyler."

the rest of the night was spent inside josh's trailer, the two talking about their lives. tyler learned that josh was from seattle, his home life never the best as his parents would leave him for months at a time, disappearing to god knows where. josh learned that tyler came out as transgender at the age of twelve, but she started hormones when she turned seventeen. she may or may not have given josh a handjob as well. but those details were for them to know.

🎠

it was the third and final day that the carnival was in town, and tyler did everything in her power to prevent herself from thinking about how josh would be gone by tomorrow morning, on his way to whatever city their destination was in.

as she threw on her favorite dress, her best push-up bra, and put on a full face of makeup jenna stood behind her, watching her through the mirror.

"how is this gonna work?" jenna asked as she approached the girl, wiping away some mascara that had gotten on her eyelid.

"what are you talking about?"

"you and josh."

tyler frowned, sitting on her bed as she zipped her sandals up. "i don't know. i don't want to think about it right now."

"okay, just know that i'll be one text away if you need me." jenna pulled tyler into a tight hug, kissing her cheek. "now go get 'em, girly."

as tyler hopped out of her car and made her way to the ring toss booth. she was confused as she couldn't spot that cotton candy pink hair that she had grown to love.

"excuse me?" tyler asked the person working at the booth. "do you know where josh is?"

"nuh-uh, haven't seen 'im all day. try 'is trailer ma'be."

tyler thanked the carny and made her way to josh's trailer, knocking happily as she waited for an answer. but as the door open she wasn't met with josh, instead she came face to face with ashley, the girl she met the other day when josh brought her to get a pretzel and a slush.

"oh, hi!" she greeted, pushing her hair back and holding a hand out for tyler to shake. "tyler, right? josh won't shut up about you."

tyler giggled, loving the thought of josh talking about her. it made her feel warm and giddy inside and she never wanted the feeling to go away.

"yeah, have you seen him? i thought maybe he would be here since he's not at the ring toss."

"oh, he was gone when i woke up this morning. i'm sorry i couldn't be of more help," she shrugged, tyler frowning as she began to worry about josh. he had told her that he was only scheduled to work at the ring toss while in columbus, but if he wasn't there, and he wasn't at his trailer either, she wasn't sure where else he could be.

she thanked ashley for her help and walked in circles around the carnival, searching for josh with no luck. she began to panic, mind immediately going to the worst possible outcome, and she rushed to her car, speeding off towards her shared apartment with jenna. she needed to talk to jenna, her heart racing as she pulled into a parking space and ran up the staircase, tears rushing down her face. what if josh was avoiding her? what if he decided that she wasn't what he wanted and he used her this whole time? she felt disgusting, knowing she had fallen for his sick little game. she genuinely thought she had found someone who was capable of accepting her for who she was, but she was gullible enough to think josh liked her.

she pounded on the door to the apartment, too much of a mess to bother trying to find her keys to open the door herself. jenna opened it with a large smile on her face, taken aback when tyler collapsed into her arms.

"i fucking hate josh!" she screamed, sobbing into her friend's shoulder.

"ty, stop crying. go get changed and then we can talk." jenna pushed the brunette off of her, tyler grumpily stomping off to her room as she swung the door open and flipped the light switch on, the room illuminating and she nearly had a heart attack from what she saw. josh was patiently sitting at the edge of her bed, anxiously fiddling with his fingers as he stood up.

"i hate you so much," tyler sobbed, shoving josh's shoulder, although not very forcefully. nonetheless she let him pull her against his chest, her shoulders shaking as she cried into his shirt, tears dampening the material. he ran a finger through her long hair, soothing her as they swayed side to side together.

"i was gonna surprise you but that didn't work very well in my favor," josh chuckled, earning a tiny laugh from tyler. "i didn't mean to scare you like that."

"yeah, well you did," she pouted, allowing him to kiss her forehead repeatedly.

"i quit the carnival," he mumbled and she pulled away suddenly, looking at him as if he had two heads.

"you what?" she asked, completely dumbfounded.

"y'know how i said i wanted to find someone to settle down with and not have to continue traveling all over the country with the carnival? will you be my girlfriend?"

tyler nodded as she couldn't find the right words to express how she felt, settling with kissing josh instead. three days had felt like years to tyler and she was head over heels for josh, still feeling as though the whole thing was a dream and that she would wake up one morning with no memory of josh. but it was real, and she never woke up with no memory of josh, instead she woke up every morning next to the pink haired boy.

and if they spent the rest of their lives together, those details were for them to know.