sick in the head by the lumineers

josh doesn't like tyler's new friends

tw: various mental illnesses, self harm, mentions of sex, and abusive behavior (i don't wanna say too much bc i don't wanna give away the plot but just be cautious)

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it's eighth grade when tyler starts to act different. we still talk, just not as much as we used to. we aren't joined at the hip anymore. i don't pay too much attention to it because i figure that some people just have their ups and downs. but tyler has had more downs than ups lately.

i ask him what's wrong and he tells me that he has these new friends; their names are ed and ana. i've heard of them before but none of it was positive stuff. i decide that who he becomes friends with is none of my business and that i can't do anything about it.

it isn't until he stops showing up at school that i start to worry. he never misses a day of school, always being that one kid who has perfect attendance. he never answers my texts and i start to wonder if he's just ignoring me.

i have my mom call his mom to see if everything is okay and they talk for at least an hour. when they hang up my mom says that she has to have a talk with me. i panic.

she says that he's in the hospital. ed and ana pressured him into doing something things that were dangerous. i cry and my mom tells me that he'll be okay because he's in the hospital now and ed and ana aren't allowed to visit him there. i feel a little better after hearing that.

tyler comes back to school a few weeks later and my mom lets me bake him some cookies. when i offer them to him he asks ana if he can have some. she says no and makes tyler throw them in the trash right in front of my face. it makes me upset because i put effort into those but tyler doesn't seem to care.

i don't see him much anymore, only in the hallways at school and sometimes at the grocery store. he doesn't look good. it scares me and i tell my mom and she says it's okay to cry so i do. i cry a lot.

i decide that i really don't like his new friends.

🥀

it's ninth grade when we start to talk again. we have two classes and an elective together and i'm excited because i miss him.

the first day of school is weird. the high school is big and confusing and i have a hard time finding each room. tyler is in the same lunch block as me and we sit together but he also brings ana. i try my best to ignore her so i just talk to tyler. we both agree that being a freshman is difficult.

we talk outside of school now and we start to hang out again. he brings ana every time. i tell him that it's annoying that he can't do anything without her. he doesn't like that.

he doesn't come to school for a really long time. i talk to his mom and she says he's in the hospital again. she says i can go visit him this time. i print out a picture of us to give to him and i write him a note on the back.

when his mom and i get to the hospital we take the elevator down to the ground floor. the door is locked and she presses a button and has to say that she's there to visit tyler. it unlocks and we sign in. i have to keep my phone at the front desk.

tyler acts like i'm not there for a few minutes but then he asks if the two of us can talk alone and his mom leaves the room. we stare at each other and i notice the dark bags beneath his eyes. his skin is pale and breaking out. i notice gauze taped around his wrist and i guess he sees me staring. he tells me that he met a new friend named sue. she made him do that. he says he still talks to ana and that makes me upset.

i give him the picture but he doesn't look very enthusiastic about it. he flips it over and reads the note. he tenses up. the picture was one we took on the first day of school together this year. he looks healthy and good in it and i write that in the note. he doesn't seem to like that. he politely asks me to leave.

when he comes back to school he tells me that he's gay. i tell him that i'm bi. he met a senior guy in his art class and they started talking. tyler doesn't shut up about him. i'm happy for him but i don't like how he treats tyler. he gets along really well with ana and sue. i think he's using tyler for arm candy but i don't say anything.

the guy drops tyler after he gave him a blowjob. tyler comes to me and cries and i have to pretend that i didn't see it coming. i comfort him through it and i try to ignore how uncomfortable it is for him to sit in my lap. his tailbone digs into my thighs and it really hurts.

i like it when ana and sue don't spend time with us. it's like having the old tyler back. it doesn't happen very often but i like it. i tell him that i'm glad he didn't bring ana with us to the pool and he agrees but a few minutes later he calls her and invites her to join us. i get mad and i want to leave. i stay because i want to give it a chance.

tyler is a different person around ana. he acts like someone he's not. i miss the old tyler.

🥀

it's tenth grade when we become even closer. we're best friends like we used to be before ed and ana. we tell each other everything. sometimes the things he tells me scare me but he makes me promise not to tell anyone.

tyler meets another guy. i'm kinda jealous because he has all these guys fawning over him but i have no one. i'm happy for him nonetheless.

they break up after a month. tyler says that ana got in the way of things. he's really upset but he shrugs it off because ana is more important to him.

i start to see tyler differently. i think i may like him. but i don't like the way he looks. he looks like a skeleton and it scares me. he also gets rude when i ask him if ana can leave when we hang out.

one day he asks me if i think he's sexy. i tell him no and he asks why. i say it's because his bones pop out too much and he's too skinny. he's offended but he ends up thanking me. it's confusing.

i'm washing my hands in the bathroom after lunch one day and i hear someone getting sick to their stomach. i get concerned and ask if they're okay. when they respond i realize that it's tyler. he says that his friend mia told him to do it. i asked him how long he's been friends with her and he tells me that it's been a few months. ed introduced her to him.

tyler has been in the hospital for a while now. i miss seeing him. i go visit him after he's been there for a month and when i see him he looks better. he isn't as pale. he's still really thin but i can tell he's gained some weight. he says that he's learning how to get rid of toxic friendships like the ones he has with ed, ana, mia, and sue. i'm proud of him.

he doesn't come back to school for the rest of tenth grade. he's in the hospital until july. we don't see each other a lot because his parents are watching him to make sure he doesn't spend any time with any of those bad friends.

🥀

it's eleventh grade when tyler tells me that he doesn't talk to ed, ana, mia, and sue any longer. my feelings for him get stronger. i like him a lot now that they're not in his life. he's a lot happier.

we're playing mario kart together when he turns to me and asks if i think he's sexy now. i think about it a bit and tell him that i do. he asks why and i say that i like it when he's healthy and that he looks better. he climbs into my lap and kisses me. it's my first kiss. his tailbone still digs into my thighs but not as much as before.

a week later he tells me that he has a boyfriend now. he's in college and tyler really likes him. it hurts because i thought our kiss meant something to him. i guess not.

they've been dating for a few months now. tyler tells me every time they do something. every handjob, every blowjob. i've even seen his nudes. tyler says that he thinks they're going to have sex soon. i feel weird because he's talking about having sex but i still haven't kissed anyone other than that one time with him.

tyler shows up at my house a few days later and he's acting odd. we go to my room and as soon as i close the door he pushes me back onto my bed and he kisses me. it's needy and messy and he starts to grind on me. it feels good but his hipbones rub against mine too much and it's uncomfortable. i tell him to stop and he does. he starts to cry. his boyfriend broke up with him after they had sex. tyler tells me that he doesn't know why but he hates the thought of not being in a relationship. he says it's something about the validation you get from being in one. without a guy liking him he feels like he's not good enough. i say that he is good enough. more than good enough.

after that he has a new boy toy every week. i hate it and it makes me sad to see him being used by all these guys. he says that having sex with them makes him feel better about himself. i don't understand it so i let it be.

he calls me one day and he's sobbing. i tell him to come over because i can't understand what he's saying. we sit on the rocking chair on my porch and he tells me that ana started talking to him again. i tell him that he needs to tell his parents. he says that he's scared because he doesn't want to disappoint his family since they think he's doing so well.

he doesn't tell his parents. i notice how he doesn't look good anymore. i tell his parents because i'm scared. i don't want him to talk to sue again. they thank me.

tyler doesn't talk to me after that. he says that i betrayed him. i thought i was being a good friend by telling them but he doesn't think so.

🥀

it's twelfth grade when i get in my first relationship. her name is debby and she's a junior. she's really pretty and nice. i like her a lot.

tyler starts to talk to me more when he finds out i have a girlfriend. he says that he's happy for me. i can tell he doesn't like her.

ana has been in his life more and more recently. he said that she's his best friend. mia isn't around much. sue comes and goes. but ana is constant. i can't stand ana. she's a bad influence.

i'm hanging out with tyler and he asks me how debby and i are doing. i say that we're doing really well. he's quiet after that. i ask if he has any guys in his life. he gets defensive and wants to know why i'm so curious. i try to tell him that i just want to know but he doesn't believe me.

debby and i break up after about two months. she says i worry about tyler too much and she thinks i have a crush on him. i guess i kinda do.

tyler finds out that we broke up and he starts talking to me again. he says that he doesn't talk to mia anymore. he realized that she's not a good friend. he doesn't know how he feels about ana. she wants him to look the way he did back in in eighth grade before he gained some weight. he wants to look like that too. but he says that he also doesn't want to look like that. he wants to be attractive and sexy and look like a normal eighteen year old but ana doesn't want that.

i get a call from his mom and she tells me that he's in the emergency room and he wants to see me. i drive there as quickly as possible. when i get there his mom takes me back into his room and he's crying. it wasn't ana this time. it wasn't sue. it wasn't mia. it was ed. ed told him that he wasn't good enough. tyler had the gauze around his wrists and thighs. he said it was an accident. ed made him do it but it wasn't sue. he didn't mean to bleed that much. he says that he's scared. he doesn't want ed and ana in his life anymore. he wants to live a normal life. i'm gonna help him.

we're sitting in my room. he asks me if i think he's sexy now. i tell him that i do. he asks why and i say that i like when he doesn't talk to ana. he doesn't understand so i explain that it's not always about how he physically looks. he asks if i like him. i'm hesitant but i decide to be honest. i tell him that i like him. that i've liked him since freshman year.

he seems shocked. he doesn't say anything back. he sits in my lap and kisses me. it's different than the last time we kissed. it's slow and there's emotion to it. he starts to grind down on me and his hipbones rub into mine just like last time but i don't tell him to stop this time.

he asks me if i'm a virgin. i'm embarrassed but i say yes. he tells me that it's okay and that we can stop if i want. but i don't want to stop. it's our shirts that come off first. it's the first time i've seen him shirtless in years and his ribs poke out and it's scary. i don't think it's attractive. not at all. but i know tyler is working hard on changing that. next it's our pants. then our underwear.

i'm shaking. he leads me through the prep and tells me what to do. i'm grateful for it. he helps me through the initial part and i'm worried that he's in pain but he tells me that he's okay and that it feels good. when i start to move i'm scared that he's going to break. he's so small and fragile. he tells me to go faster so that's what i do. my thighs hit his tailbone with every thrust and it hurts. i know that i'll probably have bruises on my thighs.

we cuddle after that and i hold him close. it's almost as if i'm scared to lose him. he falls asleep. he looks so peaceful and i wish he could always be that relaxed. i think i love him.

🥀

it's the summer after we graduate when i drive him to the hospital because he says that he feels like he's going to pass out. he's been trying to stay away from ana and ed but he just can't get away from them. i help him as much as i can but it's still not very much.

the doctor thanks me for bringing him in. she says that tyler's heart isn't healthy. if he continues to talk to ana his heart will fail on him. i cry and hold him close because i can't lose him. he tells me that he doesn't want to die. he says he'll do anything to get ed and ana to stop bothering him.

we look into places that can help him. we find this place out in arizona that is one of the best in the country for helping people recover from toxic relationships like the one he has with ed and ana. he says that he wants to go but that he's scared. he tells me that he doesn't want me to leave him if he's gone for months. i promise him that i'll wait.

he cries as we say goodbye. but i tell him that it's not a goodbye, it's a see you later. he laughs at that. i tell him that i love him. he cries even harder and tell me that he loves me too.

and then he's off to arizona.

🥀

it's october of my first year of college when he comes back from arizona. i surprise him at the airport. he cries when he sees me. i cry too.

he doesn't look like a skeleton anymore. his skin is glowing and he looks healthy. he tells me that he hasn't talked to ed and ana for months. the place really did help.

he sits in my lap and we kiss. his tailbone doesn't dig into my thighs this time. when he grinds down on me i can't feel his hipbones. when i take his clothes off he asks if i still think he's sexy. i don't hesitate when i say yes. my thighs don't bruise this time.

it's october of my first year of college when tyler recovers. his journey is five years long but he does it. he beats anorexia, bulimia, and suicidal tendencies. he does it when no one else thinks he can. he proves that he's worthy to himself and those around him.

it's october of my first year of college when i get tyler back. no ed. no ana. no mia. no sue. just tyler; the boy i fell in love with.