BREAK

The viridescent leaves smeared into the blurry world that was suffocating me, stealing the breath from my lungs, pounding into my chest leaving invisible bruises in its wake. A familiar dull ache in my throat arose as I tilted my head back to keep the tears from staining my face. Swallowing hard, I forced myself to take a step, then another, and another, until all that was left was pounding of my feet against the pale pavement, my eyes drifted shut as the world around me crashed into oblivion.

I've never quite learned how to cry with grace, with a delicate frown and pearl-like tears falling from large, luminous eyes. When I cry it's more like someone smashing a tomato, red, gross, and very messy.

I bit my bottom lip to suppress the explosive sobs overtaking my body.

Then I had a moment of epiphany.

To hell with it, I don't have to suppress anything, I deserve to be able to cry, I'm the one who's hurt, I'm the one who's the one being betrayed. Why should I have to be strong? I don't need to be pretty, I don't need a comforting shoulder, I don't need anyone.

Brick by brick my walls tumbled down, the drizzle in my eyes turning into the swirls of black and gray of hurricanes. Sobs shattered me with the force of a bullet, breaking through my muscles, guts, and bones. I sank into the ground my fingers pressing into the rough ground, my head dropping into the grimy cement, feeling my heart getting yanked out then sucked back in with the force of a black hole. Over and over. In and out. I was hollow, empty, just a mass of blood and skin taking up space.

Still, no matter how many times I said I didn't need anyone, I know I'm not telling the truth. I wanted someone to reach my hollowness, someone to comfort me. I thought I hit the jackpot and found two wondrous people to stick with me, through the pain and hurt, not abandon me or betray me.

I was wrong.

I think that's the worst part. I gave all myself to them, all my hurt, all my laughter, all my love. Now I have nothing, just a black vacancy.

When the tears slowed and my hiccups died down, I realized how pathetic I was being. I was slumped in an empty alleyway between 7-eleven and a Korean barbecue restaurant, crying my eyes out because my two only "friends" betrayed me. Big shit, the two people I trusted most in the world hurt me, there will always be more people. I have my whole life ahead of me, I have my scholarship to Seoul Institute of Performing Arts next year. I'll write an amazing play and forget all about it. You know what, this is great material to work with, everything will be fine.

I swiped at the tears with the back of my hand, as a dark chuckle tore through me. I wondered how long it would take to forget this time, a month, a year, hell a decade. I stood up, stumbling a bit from the loss of water that came with my ugly crying session.

My eyes fluttered shut against the spinning world. The scene of Haneul and Soo ji flashed through my mind's eye, arms interlocked, giggling, leaving me. My eyes snap open and I walked out the alleyway, ignoring the gray spots dotting my vision. My eyes caught my reflection in the mirror. I looked awful.

My amber eyes were red and puffy, like I opened my eyes in thick smoke, the rest of my face looked like a giant pink marshmallow. The only part of me that still looked intact was my the two sleek, jet black braids hanging at my waist. I remember Haneul saying that his ideal type was girls with long hair, so every night I would run coconut oil through my hair until it grew down to my hips. It took me two years to grow it out this long, I wasted two years to appease a man who didn't give a shit about me.

Yanking the ties out of my hair and shaking my braids out. I stared at the waterfall of dark tresses framing my face. I dealt with the hours it took to wait for my hair to dry, for me to brush my hair to glossy perfection, the constant weight of it pulling on my scalp.

I wanted it gone.

My eyes caught the colorful lights of the hair salon about three stores down. I sprinted towards it, excitement filling me. I barreled into the salon like a crazy person, tinkling bells alarming the barbers of my presence.

I just stood there for a second, before realizing how rude I was being.

"Hello," I said bowing, "Umm... I'd like a haircut."

"Of course, right over here, customer!" A cute old lady with salt and pepper hair announced with a large grin, her face creasing. She gestured me over to a seat.

I shuffled over to the black seat and dropped my bag on the floor next to me.

"What kind of style would you like?" She asked her eyes thinning at the mirror.

"Please just cut it all off," I answered politely, biting down on my bottom lip.

"Oh, but your hair is so thick and pretty, why would you want to cut it?" she asked slightly frowning. I chuckled at her confused expression.

"For me," was my simple response.

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I felt lighter. A familiar headache was gone, replaced with a certain loftiness. I sighed, shaking my head relishing the strands tickling the back of my neck. It hovered about two cm above my collarbones, accentuating my neck. The barber said it would hurt her heart to cut it all off, so she cut off just enough to donate. I wasn't complaining though, she gave me a discount because she couldn't match my request.

It was getting late though, the sun smeared its light into golds and pinks, painting the horizon, announcing its departure.

It took me a moment to realize I had arrived home. I lived on the roof of a small rundown apartment. It looked as though it was one earthquake away from collapsing, not that I really cared though, it has a shelter and running water (most of the time) and that was good enough.

Too bad I lived with 7 siblings, me being the eldest. I took a deep breath and waited for that sharp screams to assault me.

"UNNIE!"

"WHERE WERE YOU!"

"YOU'RE LAAAAAAAATEEEE!"

"WAIT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR!"

"AHHHHHHH YOU LOOK LIKE A TOMATO!"

"WERE YOU CRYING!"

"I'M HUNGRY!"

"Yah! One at a time, you little gremlins!" I yelled, putting on my go to 'Mad Mom' look, which consisted of my lips thinning out, my eyes going large and angry, and my nostrils flaring. It makes them shut up instantly.

"Ok, you can go first Hana," I said, dropping the look and smiling at my 8-year-old sister. She was the quietest out of us, and the sweetest little thing. Her hair was pulled into two little pigtails, and her big brown eyes were peering up at me as she pulled my skirt.

"Eomma said she needed to talk to you, she's waiting in the food room." When I was younger, I couldn't pronounce the word kitchen, so I changed it into the phrase 'food room' and it sort just passed on.

But wait, why is mom home? She's never home, she "works" which basically consists of entertaining her so-called coworkers, but why was she waiting for me?

"Okay baby, thank you," I muttered still confused as I bent down and pecked her cheek.

"Eomma..." I called out hesitantly, slowly shuffling into the kitchen. I felt a dull pang in my chest as my eyes run over her form, the light smirk tainting her lips.

"Aemin-ah, you're finally home." Her eyes drifted gleefully over me, not even blinking at my newly cropped hair. I wasn't surprised that she didn't notice, I didn't see her in a while much less completely sober. I forced a smiled.

"You're home early," I said almost in a whisper, worrying my bottom lip between my teeth.

"That's all you have to say to your Eomma? Come here, let's talk." My feet moved towards her, slightly dragging, I forced my body to fall into her open arms. She smelled like cigarettes and alcohol, not the best combo.

"I quit my job today."

What the actual......

"You're graduating tomorrow and it's time for you to get a full-time job, so I don't need to bother myself with you guys anymore."

"Need to bother yourself? Are you high? What are we, chores you pass on?" My voice was getting louder, but not as loud as the hard beating my heart was giving my rib cage.

"Hey, I took care of you for years, I gave you money to survive! So, now that you're an adult I don't have to anymore!" She was yelling back, her voice teetering on the edge of insanity. What kind of dumbass logic?

"No, all the money you gave us still somehow found a way to you! The only reason we still have this room is that the landlord pities us for having your crazy ass as a mother!" I screamed my voice matching hers, rage was filling my stomach with that force of a hurricane. Her red laced eyes met mine and a ripple of fear tore through me at the coldness behind them.

She let out a bitter laugh, it chilled me to the depths of my soul.

"You little wench. You're breathing because I let you breathe, you're talking because I let you talk, you go to that stupid art school because I let you go. Don't you get it? I control you, and I control all your little siblings too." Her eyes were filled with utter rage, the taut tone of her voice, the words sounded strangely melodic and strangely sweet, like poisoned honey.

"You weird hoe. Look I'm blinking, you do that too? What about when I shove my foot so far up your ass, you'd be able to taste my goddamn toenails, you do that too, huh!" I rolled my eyes so hard part of my vision disappeared. Our heated quarrel continues. It was a war of words and who can hurt the other one worse. Both of us at each other's throats like savage hungry dogs fighting over dominance.

"I'm so damn excited to get out of here and get to college, away from your crazy ass." Her smile widened maliciously at those words.

"Are you talk about that prissy college that was stupid enough to accept you? I've already kindly canceled for you, and if you're thinking of calling back to get your spot back it's too late, they already gave it away." Her words perched precariously against my consciousness, soft enough to not pierce it, but hard enough to sting at the betrayal. I worked so hard. Years and years, cuts and bruises, pain and pain and pain, but all it took was a phone call for it all to go away.

There is a silence to the chattering of my heart and soul. I was the frost under the leaves in the dead of winter, only making noise if someone steps on me. I could feel the ice in my blood, bringing my brain to the slow drip of molasses. This is the hollowness I can survive in, under anything else I'll crumble and cease to exist.

"You're right," my voice was empty and cold almost like the sound of wind, "why don't I just stop trying, maybe throw myself off the side of a building, or have all those drugs that control your life, or maybe I could sell my body for some change, not like I have anything as stupid as pride left, I could become like you, completely shameless, just a waste of spa-" The slap was just as loud as a clap of thunder, my head reeling back, the red welt stinging. I sighed tilting my head back, the soft hairs tickling my neck. I didn't even blink.

I heard a soft whimper, my eyes meet seven pairs enlarged eyes, each one laced with emotion like fear, anger, confusion. I don't want them to see me like this. I walked away from the person in front me to the seven bodies lined up in front of me, pulling on a smile.

"I'm going to make breakfast tomorrow, what do you guys want?" I asked my voice soft.

"Noona...." Jae, who was only 2 years younger but still almost a foot taller than me, whispered.

"Yah, stop being weird! I'm all good, now stop being such a little baby and tell me what you wanna eat!" I said trying not to wince as I smiled teasingly.

"Okay, I want eggs."

"Coming up you little fatties~" I could tell they didn't believe the smile on my face as their eyes narrowed, but they opted to not say anything as I grabbed some money, I saved from the inside of the couch cushion.

"Go stay in my room, I have toys in there, and don't leave until I get back, we shouldn't bother Eomma right now." I ushered all seven bodies into the cramped room, blowing a kiss, and left the house before I exploded.

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A/N

I just binge-watched 3 hours worth of BTS compilations I don't regret a thing. This chapter was really long lol.

Kookie gets introduced in the next chapter.

I was really insfired to write this book hehe

(kinda edited)