028:

And here Ryan was proposing to her. Seriously, kind of lightheartedly, and certainly not romantically, but she'd sort of given up the right to romance, hadn't she? She looked down at the baby. Will your uncle be your dad too? Is that too weird? But Ryan was almost your dad, once upon a time.

She closed her eyes and tried to imagine the Ryan she'd once loved. Oh, how she had loved him! So sweet, so pure... so newly found and perfect.

Ensuing months blinded her for a minute. Jared's face swam clearly in her mind's eye as if he were there, urging her, no, telling her to say yes. Why? Why Jared? What about Matthew? Hadn't he put Matthew in her path as well? But she didn't feel anything for Matthew.

She honestly didn't know what she felt for Ryan either, but confusion waged its battle on her features. It was what Jared wanted, she told herself, and what Hannah needed. She might never love again the way she loved Jared, wouldn't loving Ryan with that secondary love be worth it?

She nodded slowly and he slipped off the couch and knelt in front of her, he was talking, saying things, promising things, but the words were like a rushing of wind in her ears, and as much as she needed to hear those words, she couldn't. She nodded until he closed the gap between them and leaned into her for a small sweet remembered kiss.

Chaos assailed her. Melia felt guilty and disheartened all at the same time. Images of kissing Jared filled her mind and she started to withdraw and then heard his voice... No, baby, go for it, he loves you, it's okay. Kiss him with fervor, kiss him, Melia, mean it....

She pulled away, and Ryan opened his eyes in concern, surely he had felt her shudder of pain and disgust. Her features froze, trying very hard not to reveal the inner turmoil. She pushed the images away with that old will that used to see her through tough situations. She leaned forward once again and Ryan took it for what it was, an invitation. She vowed then and there, if she did this, he'd never know that she couldn't give him that whole heart she had once given him. Her whole heart had been locked away for Jared.

*****