019:

She sat on the beach staring out at the foggy outline of the island across the channel. She could see it on a good day clearly and therefore avoided it, but today wasn't a good day, it was foggy and only a dim outline was visible. She wore a sweat suit, heavy, and had wrapped Hannah in blankets and a sleeper. Last night had been a disaster as far as she was concerned. And today the internet had reported her a media smash. The paparazzi portrayed her as a schmoozing hussy. Pictures of her and Tom Roberson, both recently separated from spouses... it was indecent. And then pictures and reports of Tom and Matthew fighting over her.... Again, the lack of privacy and the twisting of the truth was disgusting.

Sure, she'd been slightly attracted to Tom, in a weird sort of way, and she was slightly attracted to Matthew as well, and she was too far gone in her grief cycle to acknowledge any of it. It was all wrong, she felt all tangled up inside.

She hung her head, wanting to cry, but unable to.

Out there, on that island, she'd had a few happy days, so happy they were blinding in contrast to now. Now was confusion and pain and weariness, so much weariness she just wanted to take Hannah and go find Jared, no matter where he was.

She actually pursued that thought for a moment, and pictured them all together as a family, somewhere white and pristine and golden and glowing. It wouldn't be so bad. Dying. Exiting the rat race. It wouldn't be fair to Hannah who had just got to her earth life, but she... the longing for Jared filled her with anguish and she squeezed her eyes shut, no amount of imagining his arms around her helped.

She was alone! Alone!

"Your mom told me where to find you." Came a voice from behind her and Melia wanted to swear, whoever it was had just interrupted her only peaceful fantasy, not to mention her suicidal fantasy, and the startlement caused an immediate build.

She turned and looked up into the dawn grayness. An apparition appeared, someone from another life, another world. Not this life, and not this place, and not this time.... She could do little else but stare.

He sat down beside her on the sand, close, too close. It couldn't be!

How had she conjured Ryan and not Jared?

Melia felt her heart race to her mouth and choke her. The apparition reached out and touched her crossed arm below the baby's falling blanket. The build was gone almost instantly. "Wow, it's been awhile." Came the voice again.

She shuddered and blinked. "Ryan?"

"Bet you're kind of surprised to see me." He said again. She still couldn't talk, so he leaned over and pulled the blanket back so he could see Hannah. Her little sleeping face screwed up at the onset of brighter light and then settled as she adjusted to it. "Hello, little niece." He said tenderly.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" Melia cried through her clogged throat.

He shrugged. "I quit."

"You quit your--- mission?" she whispered appalled.

He nodded, looking out to sea. "Yeah. I did. For now. I couldn't handle it, Melia. I wasn't doing anybody any good. I can't seem to get over what happened. So, I decided to take a leave of absence and get my life straightened out."

"I can't believe it." She didn't want to believe it, couldn't fathom it. It was unheard of in her own family, and... well... people did leave their missions, and he certainly did have reason to grieve and get his life in order. She couldn't' blame him, considering the kind of life she herself was living. "You left your mission?" Her tone still sounded stunned, and her arms tightened and Hannah squirmed and woke up, fussing at the constriction.

"Can I hold her?" Ryan asked, but didn't wait as he took her gently from Melia's unresisting arms. He pulled the blanket back and cuddled Hannah close crooning to her softly with a very tender smile on his face. "I guess we've both done things we're not all that proud of."

She didn't know what to say to that. If she defended her position to have wed Jared, she was giving voice to the lie that she was proud of the way it had all come about. And she wasn't. But neither was she grieved by the outcome. She couldn't equate what had happened to her, with the decision he'd made to leave his mission.

She felt odd having him hold Hannah. He was looking at her frankly, as if searching for his brother in her baby features. He was. "She looks a little like him." Melia agreed, but she didn't say anything, she was too paralyzed by his revelation. "What do you have to get straightened out?"

Ryan glanced at her, back at the baby and then stared out to sea contemplatively. "Well, that's just it, there is so much. It's hard to know where to begin. And I just couldn't concentrate on serving the Lord."

"You're supposed to lose yourself in the service." She reminded sourly, annoyed with him for no good reason, instead of seeing him as a fellow griever. All she could see was the man who had punched his brother in the face.

He glanced at her again and then back out to sea. "I don't really expect you to understand."

Melia closed her eyes and then flashed them open. "You're right. I don't understand."

He sighed and cuddled Hannah closer, adjusting her as she relaxed against him naturally, making Melia squirm to see how easily he held her daughter, his niece.

"Well, part of me really wants to make you understand. One way or the other." He finally stated bluntly. "I think I need that, whether you do or not."

"You need for me to understand? How? I am so....!" She was at a loss for words, and expressing her feelings right now was beyond her as well. "And what does that mean--- one way or the other?"

He turned and looked at her. "I still need you." He said, ignoring her query.

Melia shook her head as if to clear it. What was he saying? "Is that why you are here? Why didn't you go home to Australia?"

"I did go home to Australia." He said softly, not looking at her. "There is a lot of grief there, a lot of sadness. It's hard to deal with."

"And you think there isn't here? You think I am not grieving?" She shot back, offended. What right did he have to judge her? He couldn't possibly understand what she had been through.

"No, oh no!" He chuckled. "I think you are losing yourself in grief. I think you are so far embedded in it-- you're trying to join him."

"Join him? Join Jared? You mean you think I want to die?" She laughed bitterly. "No, I don't want to die. That's about the last thing I want."

But she caught herself, because before he'd sat down beside her and ruined her day for good, she had been contemplating that very fantasy.

"Then who told you to get out there and work your butt off? That's such a Jared way of coping. That's what Jared would have done. He'd have totally immersed himself in his work, ignoring anything that could or had affected him. He'd go on and leave the grieving to those who could handle it. He had no...."

"Shut up." She whispered, feeling her headache blooming again. Ryan did shut up, he stared at her, saw her eyes rolling and reached over and touched her knee unceremoniously, diffusing the build right then and there.

"I need to talk about him." Ryan said when he was done diffusing her. He jostled Hannah a little and then stroked her little head and the downy soft dark curls.

"I can't."

"I know." He agreed. "But maybe you can listen to me."

"I don't want to listen to you." She bit out.

"Because I hit him? Shit, Mia, what would you have done if you'd just found out that your fiancé had married someone else? What would you have done if that person who had stolen your fiancé was your own brother?"

"You gave me to him!" She cried flinging sand away from her and rising up on her knees angrily.

"I most certainly did not! He knew exactly how I felt about you. He knew we were planning to be married after my mission. I told him these things. There was no doubt in his mind when he seduced you that you were already mine!"

Melia knew that was true. The morning after their first encounter flashed into her mind in all its painful glory. Jared had even said that she could love the two of them. And she'd thought at the time that it was true. She didn't really have any excuses. She'd been unfaithful to him. What more could she say? She'd already said she was sorry.

Hannah had started rooting around and whimpering at all their loud language. Ryan handed her back carefully and then gently stroked Melia's back, from the top of her head to her shoulders. "I miss him." He said softly. "It didn't end right at all, and I never expected him to die before I could apologize."

Melia turned away, fighting for control. Her own anger and confusion more than she could bear, even though he was diffusing her.

Ryan's voice sounded so sad, so contrite. "You have no idea what losing you did to me. I couldn't handle it, Mia. I still can't handle it. The thought of you... with him, with anybody else drove me crazy! And him.... Oh my God, how can I deal with him being gone? There's no way to take it back, no way to reconcile it. It's just done, and I am left feeling hollow, and torn."

Melia knew he was right. It was done, it was over. They were left to clean up the mess. She didn't know what to say to him, she didn't know how she felt about him, she had no idea what to do in this situation. She felt hollow. She was torn. She was dying inside each day she woke up alone. How could she possibly fill the void in his life, when she had such a huge void in her own?

Was there compassion in her left for Ryan? Was there any feeling at all? She closed her eyes and searched inside.

"M-maybe." She said slowly. "Maybe since you're here, you c-could spend a little time with--- with me, and... I don't know...maybe that's stupid, you sound like you might want to kill me. But I don't know. Is that preferable to being alone right now, Rye?"

He was up on his knees in front of her, his bare toes digging into the sand, his hands braced on either side of her. "Yes." He whispered searching her eyes.

She was stunned into silence, his face was inches from hers, his eyes searching hers were so familiar the reaction so ingrained she almost thought he would kiss her. Her body remembered other such moments, even if her heart told her they were gone forever. She stared up at him, remembering....she shuddered at the time that had passed, all rushing around in her mind trying to find a place to exist. Like a merry-go-round, she felt like she was spinning.

He placed both hands on her cheeks and stared into her eyes meaningfully. "I still love you." He said dejectedly. "I wish it were different, but I can't help it, and I give that weapon to you in all sincerity. I can't help that either." He sighed and closed his eyes pressing his forehead to hers. One hand slid around to her neck and held her there, stroking her skin absently. "Yes." He said. "Help me get through this. I need you."

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