"This is it." Logan mutters, grabbing his sea bag out of the trunk of the car. I nodded my head, trying my best to keep my tears at bay. Logan didn't like watching me blubber like a baby, especially when it was so hard for him to walk away. Because of this I did my best to wait until I was twenty feet down the road at least.

I'd finish dropping him off, rush home to get ready for the day, and then gather the kids and my mother and we would head to the bridge to watch his boat leave. This was our typical routine. Sometimes my mom would come and sometimes she wouldn't but it was always good to have that support there if I needed it. Who was I kidding? I always needed it.

"This is always the worst part." I sputtered, almost losing the tears for just a moment. I bit the inside of my cheek in a haste attempt to stop them.

"You mean the three months under the ocean is better than this?" Logan chuckled, trying his best, but his sleep-filled voice just couldn't give off the same humor. I shook my head.

"I will never know, I've never had to live in a tin can for three months." I closed the distance between us, wrapping my arms around him both because I didn't know when I would be able to again, and because it was freezing out here. Why couldn't they have drop-offs later in the day? It wasn't the time that bothered me as much as it was the darkness and the cool air.

"I love you, babe, please take care of the kids, and while you are doing that don't forget to take care of yourself as well." Logan kissed the top of my head, lingering longer than he would normally. I felt the sadness in the kiss. He was trying to soak in every last second possible. But it was so awkward when you had someone waiting less than twenty feet away to drive him down to the boat.

I wasn't allowed on the pier, my military access card didn't grant me that permission. This was the case for every other dependant as well so for those that chose to not leave their vehicles on base they had to be driven onto the base and dropped off at a meeting point so they could be driven down to the pier. Logan and I cared too much about our cars to just leave them on base for months at a time.

The duty van driver, as they called him, sat there watching as the families said their goodbyes, waiting for the sailors to finally load their bags so they could start their journey down to the pier. He'd be doing this for a few hours, driving back and forth to make sure everyone got there on time.

"I love you too, and I promise I will." There was a lump in my throat, my stomach felt numb. This was the moment we'd been waiting for. The one we didn't know we were waiting for but has been the center of everything for the last two weeks. A huge part of me was impressed that we were able to get everything taken care of in the last two weeks. At least everything we would have been able to in the first place. There was no way someone was getting a POA, especially not if the entire boat was also trying to get one at the same time. That was just something that you better hope doesn't expire before they get home. Without your service member, you weren't getting another one.

"I better get going." Logan's arms finally fell from being wrapped around me. It felt like we had only stood there for seconds, but a few minutes had probably passed by now. He grabbed my face, pulling me in one last time for a kiss. His lips danced with mine, filling my whole body with heat. He was trying to show me how much he loved me just in the way his lips held me. I could feel it. It was as clear as day how difficult this was for him. When he pulled away my lips were cold, begging for him to come back and take them once again.

But Logan didn't come back. He had turned on his heel shouting his "I love you's" one more time before getting onto the van. I got into the car, starting the engine before taking a second to breathe. I wouldn't be able to sit here for very long before someone would start asking me if I needed help. I glanced at Logan's phone in the passenger seat. I'd take him home and set it aside for the next few months until we got word that they were coming back. Once they were on their way home, I'd make sure it had been charged for him.

I pulled out of the parking space, and as soon as my car was on the road, complying with my at least twenty-foot rule, I allowed the tears to finally wash down my face. They would fall in waves, crashing against my cheeks with every song that played on the radio. If it was a love song they would fall harder and they wouldn't stop until I'd get home and park in my parking spot. I wiped the tears away from my face. I needed to put a smile on, to make sure the kids knew I could be strong for them. At this point, they would be awake and my mother would be helping them get ready for the day. Another day they were going to miss school.

I never forced them to go the day their dad left. I didn't care how important the school day was. They needed to be home with their family. Maybe I did that for them, maybe I did that for myself since I didn't want to be alone. Especially now that I was working remotely.

"How did it go?" My mother asked as soon as I stepped foot into the apartment. Both kids were sitting at the table eating their breakfast.

"Like a tooth canal," I muttered walking straight past her as I went to shower for the day. I needed a minute before people would bombard me with emotions. I hated when they looked at me like I was a broken puppy. Especially when I felt like one already.

Once the warm water was running over my skin I fully allowed the tears to leave my body. I'd need to get it all out if I was going to make it through the rest of the day with very little difficulty. This is what I was telling the kids last night. You need to feel your emotions and here I was, burning my skin off with the hottest water I could stand, sobbing like Logan had just died. My emotions were bouncing all over the place between my mind logically telling me I could do this, and I've done it before, but my heart was telling me this would be the one that kills me.

We didn't have as much time with him as we would have normally gotten.

Usually, the boat was on a pretty consistent schedule. If they would have waited just one more month we probably would have had Logan home for this deployment. But that wasn't the luck we had. With the water crashing down on me, and the weight on my shoulders threatening to flatten me, I finally allowed myself to just be.

When I jumped out of the shower I did feel much better. I was more numb than I was when I first got in, and that numb feeling was more pleasant than the overwhelming sadness. I hurried and dried my hair, threw on some makeup, and grabbed my clothes for the day. We would need to get going if we were going to make it to the bridge in time to watch the boat leave.

After staring at myself in the mirror for what felt like ages I mustered up enough strength to head back into the kitchen.

"Sorry momma, you know days like these are always so rough." My mother nodded, not taking what I had said earlier to heart.

"I know, I shouldn't have even asked. Are you ready to get heading to the bridge?"

I nodded.

My mother opted to drive, hoping that it would give me some more time to think about all the things I was feeling. I hated this. As I leaned my head against the window, the hood of my sweater pulled over my head, I felt like an angsty teenager who'd just gotten in a fight with her parents over them not liking her alcoholic boyfriend. 'But I love him.' I could imagine myself shouting as I would have when I was a teenager. The more I thought about myself as a teenager I realized we've got two kids in the backseat who would very much become teenagers in the next little while meaning I would be dealing with it and times two.

I let out a sigh, turning the radio up as my mother pulled into the bridge parking lot. Lucky for us there was a playground here, so the kids would be able to get out and run around playing with the other children waiting to watch their fathers leave. That felt depressing. Even though the children all had smiles on their faces the adults were in a depressive state, wandering around in their melodramatic expressions.

"I'm going to go sit with the kids, you can hang out here as long as you would like." My mother whispered, not wanting to stir the pot any further.

I did just that. I sat in that car for at least thirty minutes, watching the waves crash against the beach. The bridge had finally stopped traffic which would mean the boat would be coming through soon. Only once I saw the boat did I decide to get out of the car. The kids came running up to me, both of them wrapping their arms around my legs nearly knocking me over. I steadied myself, pointing the boat out to them as they searched the water. It was hard to see if you didn't know what you were looking for. My mother joined us, reaching down to grab Mazie's hand for emotional support.

How did we get so lucky with a grandmother like her? We will see how she feels after the kids live with her for a month or so.

I was leaving at the end of the week, not wanting to leave the kids too soon after their father left, but also not wanting to waste too much time not helping Peter and Abby out. We would have to make do and spend as much time together over the next week. Maybe that's why I was so sad this time around, this time I was finally starting to understand what Logan felt every single time he left the kids. It felt horrible. Just the thought of missing out on so much was enough to bring me to my knees and I was only going to be gone a third of the time Logan would be away.

The boat drew closer, and once it went through the bridge they honked their horn. All of the families started waving frantically, blowing kisses to the boat. The children would then turn around and head back to the playground as they were bored of watching a slow-moving tube journey through the water. For most of these kids, this wasn't their first time either. They've seen it before and the most exciting part was the honk. For us, it was a family tradition to keep our eyes on the boat as long as we could see it.

As my eyes followed the submarine through the water, my heart sank once again. My lover was with the sea now, and hopefully one day the sea would return him to me.

Now I just needed to figure out how I was going to survive without him. 

When I first started writing this book I didn't know if we would ever make it here. But we have. I want to personally thank every single person that's made it this far. Even if it isn't many. Your support of my book means the world. 

This book is really special to me, as these are the kinds of things that I deal with when my husband deploys. Hopefully one day we will be done with it soon. 

Thank a service member, it's because of them you have your freedom. 

I hope you enjoyed my book. 

- Brittani