Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong isulat ngayon basta ang alam ko lang ay hindi ako maayos. Masama ang pakiramdam ko, nag-uumapaw ang insecurity at jelousy sa akin ngayon. I first think of writing this on a paper and then burn it afterwards pero hindi yata kakayanin ng kamay ko ang lahat ng mga salitang nais lumabas sa aking isipan.

Hindi ako maayos ngayon. Gusto kong umiyak—pakiramdam ko umiiyak si Dark ngayon. Naririnig ko siya. Nararamdaman ko ang hikbi niya sa loob ng lalamunan ko. Gusto niyang umiyak ang kaso may pumipigil: ako. hindi sa hindi ko siya gustong umiyak, God knows how much i wanted to burst into tears right now. Mental breakdown siguro. Sobrang dami kasing dapat gawin. Tanginang acads 'yan. Tinatadtad kaming mga estudyante and if we failed, it's our fault kasi hindi kami marunog magtime management. Yeah right, boomer.

Actually, exam namin ngayon hanggang sa susunod pang dalawang araw. Dapat ay nagrereview ako ngayon pero I should be proud of myself now that I prioritized my mental state first before that damned acads. I think I should now reconsider my pun and actually say that this is me, having a mental breakdown.

It started last night. Nagrereview ako ng aking mga notes for my examination nang ayain ako ng aking kaibigan na sumali sa group call ng circle of friends namin. I quickly refused it. Hindi kasi ako sanay na nagrereview ng may kasama. I mean nakakapagreview naman ako kapag may kasama pero mas gusto kong magbasa muna mag-isa bago 'yung ganon. So that's it then, I clearly said no. Kinabukasan, which is ngayon, nang matapos ang isang subject ay muli kaming nag-usap ng kaibigan kong 'yun. We talked about how hard and tricky our test was hanggang sa nagtanong ako if nareview niya ba 'yung sa isang part where graphic illustration of dance poses are presented. Ako kasi ay 15 minutes before the exam, tsaka ko lang naalalang kabisaduhin. And then there, she told me that she remember it too well as she and my other friend create some pun for easy recalling while they were having a video call lats night.

Ang hindi makatarungan dito is that I feel offended. I felt left out. Matagal ko na itong napapasin—that I do not belong into their group—ngayong sa ganitong sistema nga lang mas naging malinaw. Maybe I really did outgrew them. Talagang iba ako sa kanila. I want seriousness, they want puns. Not that I always wanted to be stoic pero as fast as I can, I want to get things done. Kaya siguro we naturally just parted ways this time. They probably think that I'm such a bore.

I don't even know myself. One thing's for sure is that I keep on absorbing people's behavior unconsciously thinking that if I do, maybe they'll like me too. Ngayong narealize ko ang ganoon kong habit, I felt so lost. Hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Wait, in the first place ay hindi ko naman talaga kilala ang sarili ko. I feel so distanced with myself right now. Sino ba talaga ako? I keep questioning my individuality. Siguro kapag tinanong ko 'yung closest friend ko, siguro masasagot niya? Kilala niya naman siguro ako diba?

Gusto ko ng kaibigan ngayon pero mas pinangungunahan ako ng takot na baka malunod lang sila sa kung gaano ako kakumplikado. Ayoko ng ganon. Kasi for sure ay hindi rin nila ako maiintindihan kasi kahit nga ako ay hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko—paano pa kaya sila? Pero alam mo, gusto ko pa rin talagang may umintindi sa akin. Kaya nga I keep on understanding people because I am silently hoping that they'll return it to me. Malas nga lang kasi sa ngayon ay wala pang nakakagawa nun.

Alam mo ang hirap maging ako. Palit tayo utak? Or kahit buhay. Ay hindi, utak nalang. Kawawa 'yung kapatid ko kapag ibang ako 'yung kasama niya. Utak nalang. 'Yung sanang hindi komplikado ah? Average thinker lang ganon. Ito beyond extraordinary na kasi na umabot na sa weirdness.

Dark overtaken me now and I'm letting her. At oo nga pala, it helps me understand myself a little more after naming her. Para kasing nagkahiwalay ang pagkatao namin. Kaya sa tuwing nakararamdam ako ng self-loathing whenever a certain unwanted flashback waves, I force it close as I think that: "Opx, Dark spotted. Do you wanna be like her? No? Then stop thinking." And the nice thing in here is that I naturally do so.

But I just suddenly have had a wild thought: What if my true identity is actually Dark?

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note: i didnt know this draft has ever existed. this was dated dec 16, 2021 and i have just randomly stumbled upon it now, nov 13, 2024. idk yet what was the content of this. i just know that this deserved to be known just like the others.