Timecop1983 - Girl (feat. SEAWAVES)

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Loving her was never easy.

She was a little bit too stubborn, a little bit too carefree, and a whole lot too pretty.

So when Zeng Keni told her she was dying, Yu Yan could only laugh. She felt the bitterness in her mouth. It tasted almost like when she was six, and her mother had made her drink this weird, disgusting herbal medicine. Yu Yan hadn't really minded though, back then. She had thought she was dying, because her mother was the kind of mother who would say shit just to have their kids do whatever they want. Oh Yu Yan loved her mother. It was just fucking tiring sometimes.

But now, now she missed her mother. Because now she felt like she was dying, truly. And the faint herby smell in her mouth was just an illusion of hope that made Yuyan feel sick to the stomach. She was no longer six, she no longer believed in fairy tales and miracles.

Zeng Keni was dying, and there was no medicine.

The universe sure had a twisted sense of humor.

.

"I love you."

It was funny how it took a whole life, or death, of Zeng Keni for Yu Yan to finally gather the courage to say it.

Zeng Keni didn't even bother to act like she was surprised. In fact, her left eyebrow raised noticeably, a small grin tucked on the left corner of her mouth.

"No shit, and you're telling me now."

"You're dying anyway."

"Ouch."

So this was not exactly what she had expected. Well, she hadn't known what to expect exactly. Yet, Yu Yan knew that whatever it was that they had been sharing, she hoped it stayed. She was losing Zeng Keni, so dear Lord, just let her keep this "thing" between the two of them. The conversations that went for hours, the teasing that struck as offensive to the outsiders, the late night drives that Yu Yan wished could have taken them far enough, the stolen kisses that sometimes just meant nothing or everything, and the short hours that they spent some nights worshipping the other's warm skin.

Because Yu Yan knew they were her medicine.

Or, she would rather believe that than admitting the good time they shared together was merely a pill of painkiller that she desperately clung onto.

Because it wasn't the good time that she longed for.

It was Zeng Keni. She was her medicine.

.

"I don't wanna die here."

They were on bed, with Zeng Keni laying on her belly, facing away from Yu Yan.

It was four in the afternoon. The late sunlights drew some peculiar shapes on the ceiling, peculiar enough for Yu Yan to pretend they were quite entertaining to stare at.

"We can leave."

It was easy like that. To Yu Yan, you just did what you wanted to do, and if you didn't want to do it, you just, well, fucked it.

But Zeng Keni. Zeng Keni followed the rules. Her entire life was geared towards this cute little goal that she had had her mind set on ever since she was twelve. As random as the woman was, Yu Yan just seemed to have a hard time to remind herself of when was the last time Zeng Keni had done something spontaneously diverged from her career.

"Where do you wanna go?"

So when Zeng Keni asked her that question, Yu Yan had to look at her.

Oh, so this was what dying did to people. It gave them balls.

"We can go to America."

She laughed. Zeng Keni laughed as if it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. For a moment, Yu Yan didn't really understand what was so funny, but then she just laughed along. Because laughing with Zeng Keni made every pathetic second more tolerable.

"Are you gonna marry me there, Miss Yu Yan?"

"Well, why not," and she meant it.

"You dyke!" Zeng Keni feigned a gasp and scrunched her nose as if disgusted. She reached over, putting her legs on each side of Yu Yan's torso, and bent down. Her face was two inches away from Yu Yan's, brown orbs sparkling under the curtain of her dark hair. Yu Yan stared into those eyes, cursing at all the gods while begging them to take pity on her.

"I wanna go on a joyride."

"You can drive in a joyride."

"What if I get caught."

"Do you care?"

"Maybe we can live by the beach side."

Yes, live. We can.

Yu Yan gently turned herself on top of the other woman, appreciated the way Zeng Keni's body smoothly cooperate with her.

"We can live by the beach side," she kissed Zeng Keni's open mouth softly.

"We can live in America," she could feel Zeng Keni kissing her back.

"You and me by the shore line," something was burning in her eyes.

"You and me in America," she was sure Zeng Keni could taste it. That wet, salty bit must have found its way into their kiss. But she couldn't care less. She could be vulnerable in front of Zeng Keni. She wanted to be vulnerable in front of Zeng Keni. She wanted Zeng Keni to pick up all her pieces and make her whole again. She wanted Zeng Keni to tell her all of this was just a sick joke because Yu Yan would be so mad but she would just go back and kiss Zeng Keni like a loser she was.

Zeng Keni was dying. And for the mere selfishness, Yu Yan wished it had been her, because living had never been this suffocating. Her medicine was expiring, but ding ding ding, it was just a placebo. She was fine the whole time. She could go back to live her tasteless life whenever she wanted, wherever she wished.

Loving her was never easy.

But it wasn't supposed to be this painful.

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Daytona was hot and humid in the middle of July. Too hot for Yu Yan's preference and definitely too humid. People seemed to come from every corner. The good thing was, there wasn't any too long of a silent moment, so Yu Yan was barely left with any time to think.

Thinking was a waste of time, and time was short on this trip.

The rooftop of the Camry 2003 was roomy enough for the both of them and a six pack of Summer Shandy. The perk of being a duo of a dying lady and a reckless woman was they could just walk up to a Latina madre, offer five thousand bucks for her dented car, and enter the next liquor store in sight for some cold beers. Maybe they would get into trouble with this shady cash business. But to be honest, it probably would just add more thrills to their little runaway.

The lemon flavor felt fresh in her mouth, reminded her of how Zeng Keni sometimes tased like lemon and vanilla bean, an odd combination. Zeng Keni sometimes also was weird enough to travel thousands of miles to a barely average beach and decided to just seat on the beach side and watch people. Watching people, a leisure that Yu Yan could never wrap her head around.

"Why do you love me?" Zeng Keni asked while reaching out for the second beer. Yu Yan handed her the opener, her mind lazily looking for an answer.

"I don't know. I just do."

"That's not a valid answer."

"Why does it matter anyway? Would a valid answer stop you from dying?" Yu Yan suddenly felt bitter, and she didn't even bother to hide it. Sometimes, it just happened. Sometimes, the idea just sneakily crawled under her consciousness, spread like a cancerous cell all the way under her skin. She would always feel this tingling sensation whenever she recognized it was there. Zeng Keni's death was surreal to her, and her sickness was a poison.

"You're right. It wouldn't."

.

By the time they decided to leave for some food, the sun had already stuck to their skin. The smell of sandy tan and salty water was not as bad as Yu Yan thought. She hoped off the roof, noticed the cloudy sky, and thought it was nice. The light was starting to trigger her migraine anyway.

Then it rained, just like that. A harsh, sudden, out-of-nowhere shower.

"Shit."

"Wooooohooooo."

For some reasons, Zeng Keni was beyond thrilled. She jumped on the sand, and ran towards the water. Yu Yan could see how her hair stuck to her face, but Zeng Keni didn't seem to be troubled by that. She couldn't help but let out a chuckle at the way Zeng Keni kept making weird exciting noises and sticking out her tongue to feel the rain.

Gosh, Yu Yan loved this woman.

"Come here, Yu Yan."

And so Yu Yan joined Zeng Keni in her little maniac play. Dancing, laughing, cursing.

And kissing.

Kissing Zeng Keni in the pouring rain.

Because in America, Yu Yan could kiss Zeng Keni on a crowded beach.

In America, Yu Yan could hold her hand while walking down Main Street.

In America, Yu Yan could never lose her.

Tears were burning her eyes and her lungs felt like they were on fire. Yu Yan wished she could just stop breathing right there and then. The desperation to keep this as her last moment. If anything could end her agony, let it be having Zeng Keni in her arms and kissing her like the world was going to end. Let it be having the entire world to know how much she loved Zeng Keni. Let it be this.

"I love you too."

And Yu Yan let it be. She had never heard herself sobbing, probably because she had never cried this hard. Fucking Zeng Keni. Why did she have to be so cruel. Yes, let Yu Yan blame her. Let Yu Yan hate her for how selfish she was. Let Yu Yan resent her for the way she ruthlessly loved her and then decided to abandon her.

Let Yu Yan love her, just for a little bit longer.

.

They were going to regret not changing into dry clothes very soon, Yu Yan betted. But the cool air actually felt nice on her damp skin, and her tank top was drying fast. Daytona was unpredictable, just like everything else in Yu Yan's goddamn hot mess of a life.

The song on the radio was getting fuzzy as the Camry entered the high way. Yu Yan closed the windows half way up. They still needed to get rid of the smell of McDonald's fries and nuggets. The traffic was not too bad. Yu Yan pressed the pedal a little bit more. She appreciated the empty lanes.

"Go faster."

This could be our only time.

"Really?"

Riding free with you.

"Yu Yan."

Zeng Keni whispered her name, and it was almost inaudible. The music was loud, and the wind sounded upset.

"Yeah?"

"I don't wanna die."

"You mean not here? In America?"

"No."

There was a long pause. Yu Yan found herself holding her breath, and she could almost swear her heart had never beaten this fast. Yu Yan figured she was anticipating. No, she was hoping.

"I just don't wanna die."

For lovers and until the end.

Be by my side, for forever and always.

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Author's Notes:

For the record, I have never been to Daytona, never been to a beach since middle school. The fact that I've never been a beach girl (but for the sake of my endless whorish days, I have decided to take a swimming class, soon) and still proceeded to write a beach story is pretty courageous so bear with me if there's any dysfunctionally unrealistic detail!

This work is dedicated to my nutty and horny Pepper. If you ever come here, we will do better than Daytona <3.

Also, America is not that cute, but she's alright sometimes.

- Salt.