For years, even to this day, I've been imagining a different version of myself. Someone who's skinnier, someone who eats pretty healthy, who has a firm and serious relationship with God, someone who doesn't procrastinate on her schoolwork and actually gets stuff done, someone who isn't hard-headed and actually accepts someone advice. Someone who actually uses the talents given to them and someone who cherishes them with all of their heart..

Someone who is a better version of me.

I know it's not impossible. I can start today even. It will take time to achieve the goals I want, but I know I can.

I don't know why I'm stuck in such a bleak place. My parents blame it on leaving our previous church and having a difficult time moving on.

Maybe I haven't moved on from all my old friends and first love completely. Maybe they're the reason why I seem to be stuck in an unchanging routine of waking up and feeling like I'm not worth anything and that everything I do doesn't matter. Maybe they're the reason why I can't concentrate on my schoolwork and maybe they're the reason why I keep doing things that I know I shouldn't be doing.

But they're not the ones that do it.

I'm the one that does all of those things.

No one is making me do all of this. No one but myself.

So why can't I stop?

What's this fear of moving on from where I am right now?

Everything in my body seems...dormant. Bleak. Stale. Like all of the passions I used to have are buried deep in me somewhere and I can't dig them back out no matter what I do. Sometimes I can feel the familiar buzz in my fingers and palms every time i see a work of art and my talent for drawing and painting are longing to be practiced again.

Every time I see my friends talk about which names they should choose for their characters, my mind starts to wander off in the memories of how excited and worked up I would get when I would be writing stories.

Every time I see my favorite photographer pop on on my FYP on Instagram, my eyes look over to the backpack that has everything I need to take photographs inside my open closet, just waiting to be used again.

I don't know what this fear is. I don't know why I'm so scared to change. to make an effort and actually take care of myself. I don't know why I just don't pray or read my Bible like I used to.

What is this fear that's stopping me from becoming the person I need to be?