Friday. 1st September.

A D D I E

Zac came back to the shed after Milo and Willa left. I was sitting on the back seat of the Mercedes again, head spinning, heart pounding, throat closing over. Zac knelt in front of me and encased my hand in his. Such large strong hands. Ones that weren't too soft or smooth, but rugged and rough. Hands that worked hard.

"You alright?" He asked.

"Milo and Raine are going to tell Willa tomorrow and then bring her to brunch on Sunday if it all goes well."

Zac's brows raised. "That's good. That's great. You're not worried, right?"

"I mean, a little. She might not want anything to do with me. She might hate me."

He clacked his tongue with disapproval and stood up, pulling me with him. "She knows you. She doesn't hate you. You're friends."

"That could change when she knows the truth."

Zac stood tall, towering over me, as usual, but he held the nape of my neck and stared down, his expression was one full of patience and understanding. Part of me wanted to believe that he'd really come to know me so well in such a short amount of time. But that was impossible. This wasn't me. This was a version of me. The one that runs away and starts building an entire new life in another state while she hides from her grief.

The words that I'd told him rang in my ear. That could change when she knows the truth.

Would it change if he knew the truth?

He gave me a soft kiss on the forehead. "She isn't going to hate you."

Suddenly, we heard the pop and crunch of gravel and headlights illuminating the entrance to the shed. Zac peered over with his brows furrowed and as the car got closer, noisier, he relaxed with recognition and mumbled, "what is it this time?"

A silver car stopped just outside and a familiar, tall kid hopped out of the drivers seat. Zac walked over to him with his arms spread in question.

"Hear that?" The kid asked. It was the kid from the superstore this afternoon. The one that brought his girlfriend dinner.

"Yeah I hear it," Zac answered, shouting over the loud engine. "Sounds like you've blown the inter cooler pipe again?"

"I know it's Friday night but please can you help me fi—"

"Yeah, of course," Zac twisted so that he could look at the shed, possibly searching for a clear space, which there wasn't a lot of. As his gaze swept past me, he smiled and winked and I felt my heart rate increase.

"Let me move some shit around," Zac said. "Then we'll bring it in, alright?"

It didn't take too long to clear a parking space for the kid, who I found out was Tyler. Zac moved his truck out and then we all worked together to move car parts and rubbish off the ground. May included, who was the one that worked at the superstore. Georgetown wasn't small but it seemed that this little corner, on the outskirts, were all familiar with one another. It was endearing.

Tyler assisted Zac with the car while May and I sat on a set of bench seats that had been pulled out of. . . something. It was impossible to keep up with it all. She was still wearing her pin striped apron and name badge.

"Made it through the shift then," I said.

She looked confused for a moment. "Oh, right. You were in there this afternoon. I thought you looked familiar. We get a lot of customers."

"Yeah, I bet."

"But yep. I made it through. A miracle."

She sounded exhausted, fatigue laced and slurred her words, purple shadows contrasted on her pale skin. But somehow, she was still strikingly beautiful. She almost suited the purple. It accentuated her pale blue eyes.

"So how long have you and Tyler been together?"

Her expression lifted in an instant. "About eleven months."

Well that explained it. Honeymoon phase. I smiled.

"But we've been friends since we were seven."

"Aw." Friends to lovers was a special sort of relationship, I gave them that.

"Yeah. We're getting out of here after high school. I'm going to do medicine in college. He's going to open a workshop— he builds," she said with an excited little shuffle where she sat. "Once I've graduated college, we're going to get hitched, he's going to build our dream home and babies before we're thirty."

All I could do was stare. I'd never heard someone sum up their life plan in such a short breath and announce it with that much confidence. She did not hesitate. Not even Margo had spoken with that much conviction. I couldn't help but dwell on it for some time before I finally said something.

"Can I ask you something?"

May nodded. "Yeah."

"How are you so sure? Like with Tyler. Doesn't it scare you? You're both so young and it's sort of impossible to know what the future holds. Especially when you hear about how many young couples don't make it."

May stared into the distance for a moment, thinking about it. "Can you guarantee, without a doubt that it won't rain next week?"

I smiled. "No."

"Does that stop you from enjoying the sun while it's out?"

"No but I wouldn't make plans to go to the beach if I didn't know what the weather was going to be like."

"But if you don't make the plans, and it is a good day for the beach, then you've missed out on what could have been because you were more focused on the possible negative outcome."

I nodded. "Plan for the best, be prepared for the worst."

She shook her head. "Plan for the best and deal with the worst when and if it happens."

I couldn't say that I shared her outlook but I admired it. From the way those two looked at each other, it was obvious they were in love.

"My sister would have liked you," I said.

She gave me a cunning grin. "Was she optimistic too?"

I laughed and gave her a nudge in the side, watching Zac as he looked up from the engine and smiled at me. He seemed to love it when I laughed.

"I'm not a pessimistic if that's what you're hinting at."

"Okay, sure. We'll call it a realist then," May teased.

I liked to think I was a realist until she said it like that. And then I thought perhaps I was on the pessimistic side. It almost confused me. I had no idea where I stood on all of this and it was so sudden that I felt winded. I'd always been sure.

True love was rare, apart from the exception.

Career over men.

Plans and a future that secured yourself over whimsical sweep her off her feet romance. That was for the books and the books alone.

But now, as I watched Zac leaned over a car, grease on his hands and arms, sweat causing his shirt to cling to him, well, I wasn't so sure.

We watched Zac and Tyler fluff around under the hood for a while, neither of us speaking and then I felt a light weight on my shoulder and I startled when I realised May had drifted off.

I panicked, not wanting to wake her. "Oh, uh."

"Tyler," Zac gestured his head toward us.

"Shit," Tyler moved lightening fast, all long limbs and strides. "She's tired. Studies more than she breathes. Baby?"

"Don't wake her," I said, but she stirred and blinked slow as Tyler crouched in front of her and cupped her cheek. "You should let her sleep. Zac? In a spare room?"

"Yeah of course. You wanna show him where to go?"

I nodded and stood up at the same time that Tyler scooped May into his arms in a bridal hold. Precious. Before I led the way, I ran over to Zac and tiptoed to give him a kiss. "I might head to bed as well. Do some reading or something. Is that alright?"

He chuckled. "Don't have to ask me. I shouldn't be much longer out here. I'll come in and say goodnight if you're still awake later."

Tyler went back outside after he had put his girlfriend into bed and tucked her in. I couldn't help but watch, he was so careful and delicate, placing the sheets over her and giving her a kiss on the forehead. So soft. That was a man who appreciated what he had and knew how take care of it.

After I had showered and climbed into bed, I looked at the journal that was sitting on the side table. What a sweet gesture. It should have occurred to me to do something like that. Write down how I'm feeling. I was an avid reader. Putting words to paper shouldn't have been a difficult connection to make but I hadn't even thought of it until Zac was kind enough to open up and share a part of his past with me.

The journal was soft in my hands. Like velvet. He hadn't gone wrong with the colour either. It was perfect. The fact that he'd paid that much attention made my stomach turn over on itself.

I had a search through the side table drawer, found a pen, opened the first page and got as far as writing the date. Blank. This was supposed to be the easiest part but I couldn't even think. And if I did think, about Margo, and what to write, then I would hurt.

Because whenever she decided to come to the forefront of my thoughts, be it her voice, or her face, or a memory, it winded me. It was the most excruciating moment of realisation that she was gone and each time it felt like someone had thrown a bowling ball at my stomach.

Dear journal. I wondered if that was copying Zac. Oh well. It hurts. It's like this indescribable, physical pain to know that you're gone. There was so much left for you to do. So much you hadn't achieved. So much life left to live and you're gone. It doesn't make any sense. It makes zero fucking sense. How can someone who has so much love for the world and for her opportunities, just not exist anymore.

How could you have left me like this? You were all that I had. I had no one else. That was my fault I guess. You were always telling me to live in the moment. I never listened. And now I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm just.... breathing and moving and doing my best.

A lot of denial going on too. I know it but I can't seem to face the truth either. It's fucked up because I met Zac and Willa and this entire family of beautiful people, my birth daughter! But sometimes it's hard to appreciate because it happened as a result of your death.

It's like, how am I supposed to feel about that? Is it always going to feel tied to a tragedy. What if this thing with Zac and I lasts, whenever someone asks how we met it's like 'well it all started when my sister died.'

But at the same time, I love that I met these people. Ugh. I don't know how to feel and it makes me want to scream. I'm so confused and instead of facing it, I'm living this totally random life that I happened to stumble upon and pretending that I'm okay.

I really like Zac. I do. But what does that say about me? How can I be capable of feeling something for him when I'm grieving such a major loss. It seems wrong that the two can exist at the same time. And yet, here I am. I feel like a terrible person.

I looked at the page, my handwriting was a shambles by the end of the entry, a shambles the same as my head. It had written more like an aggressive letter to Margo, rather than how I felt. I wasn't sure if that was the point. It made me feel guilty. Like I was shouting at her.I don't think it helped at all. It just identified that I'm confused and I already knew that. I took a deep breath and closed the journal just as a figure appeared at the threshold of the room. I glanced up and saw May looking half asleep and confused.

"Oh," she stepped back, unsure and awkward. "Sorry. I jus— how did I—" she covered her face and exhaled. "I am so tired."

"Tyler carried you in to sleep in the spare bedroom. You crashed out in the shed and we didn't think it would be the most comfortable place to sleep."

She leaned on the door frame and rubbed the corner of her eye. "Well that's embarrassing."

"Not at all. I fell asleep at the hairdresser's once. In the chair. My head fell back so fast that the hairdresser accidentally took a bigger chunk off the length than he was meant to. He felt so bad."

Her little laugh was tired. "Okay, well I've never done that before."

She glanced down the corridor and I wondered if she wanted to get out of here. I'd half expected that Zac and Tyler would have been finished by now but perhaps it was taking longer than expected to fix the part. Instead of letting it become awkward, I sat up straighter and patted the bed.

"You can come and hang out until Tyler has fixed his car?"

"Oh," she smiled and looked down the hall again. "Yeah I guess so. Thanks. I didn't even realise Zac had someone living here. We come here a lot because of Tyler's car."

Her little eye roll was meant to indicate that it was insufferable but her lips were smiling and I found the entire expression rather endearing.

"I just moved in a couple of weeks ago," I said, not sure if I wanted to elaborate. She hadn't pried earlier when I referred to Margo in the past tense so I suppose she understood and respected the fact that I didn't want to talk about it further. "I'm from Beverly Hills but I wanted a change of scenery."

"Oh, cool. I've never been to California. Well, I've never gone further than Austin actually."

"You should go, it's beautiful."

She shrugged her sharp shoulders. "Can't afford it."

"Well," I barely thought about what I was offering until it was out of my mouth. "I own a condo in Beverly Hills. You could go there for a weekend. Free of charge. There's a car in the parking lot out back and it's close to the township."

May stared at me as if I wasn't speaking English. "You own a condo in Beverly Hills?"

"Yes."

Her eyes darted from side to side. "Wow."

"So, do you want to use it for a weekend or something? You and Tyler. It seems like you could use a break."

She smiled and gave a small shrug. "Yeah I could. But are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's just sitting there. But I will ask one thing. Please don't use the second bedroom on the left. And I have no idea what state the fridge is in. I haven't been home in almost a month. I took off sort of fast so it might need to be cleaned out."

She gave me a curious stare.

"It's a long story. But how does that sound?"

"Uh well it sounds too good to be true. You don't even know us. Trusting."

"Zac knows you and I trust him."

She smiled. "I might have to plan it for next weekend. I'll get work off and we can ditch school Friday, go in the morning and make the most of it."

"Yeah it's like an entire day on a train. So. . . that sounds like a good plan."

"Thank you," her tone was sincere

"Sure."

May ended up hanging out for a while longer and we talked about this and that. She made some comment about her asshole father and I remembered that Zac mentioned he'd put in her hospital a while back. I'd forgotten all about that conversation at the waterfall until she brought that up. My heart went out to her and I was even more glad that I'd been able to offer her a break, out of town.

Tyler came and collected May, Zac had a shower and then, just as I was dozing off, I felt the brush of his lips on my temple and a whispered goodnight.

"Stay," I mumbled.

He climbed in beside me, pulled me to him so that we were spooning and held me tight. That might have been the most peaceful rest that I'd had in a long time. It was four in the morning when my phone alarm went off and the part that surprised me was that I'd slept right through. More often than not, I woke up at two or three and laid in bed until it was time to get up.

I smiled into his bare chest and kissed his smooth skin.