Sunday 26th of August.

A D D I E

Zac was watching a movie in the living room when I found. He was with Willa and I could tell that his focus was elsewhere. She was watching something in black and white. I might have sat down and asked her to tell me what it was about if I hadn't been so distracted with nerves of telling Zac the truth.

Still, my gaze lingered on the sweet little girl. Beautiful. My heart seemed to hammer whenever I looked at her now. Disbelief that I'd ended up here. Sadness that I hadn't been strong enough to keep her. Grateful that she'd been placed in such a loving family. That was what triumphed all else. I couldn't be more relieved to finally know that she was safe. I'd been wondering ever since I let her go.

"You alright?"

Zac's voice startled me and I looked at him, sitting relaxed and casual with his arm across the back of the sofa. I nodded.

"Can we talk for a minute?"

He must have heard the tremble in my voice because his brows pinched and he stood up, fast. "Of course. Will, I'll be outside. Keep watching the movie."

"Yep."

I followed Zac outside, we passed Raine as she was heading in and I saw a glimpse of her supportive smile. I thought that Zac would stop on the deck. But he didn't. We kept walking until we came to his shed and he pushed the door open before walking up to the hood of a car and leaning on it. He pulled me between his spread legs and held me at the waist.

"What's going on?"

"I just— I need to tell you something. About me. It's part of— part of who I am. My past."

He nodded and gave me his full attention. "I'm listening."

I took a deep breath and then I stared. Right from the beginning.

August 30th . 2008.

Another text blipped on my phone and I knew who it would be before I read the name across the top. Margo.

Come home to celebrate the end of summer, Addie. We're having a good time. I'll even let you have a glass of champagne.

Margo thought that I was at a sleepover with Kelsey. Which, wasn't a total lie. We were together. But we were at her big brother's end of summer celebration with a bunch of senior students from the high school. A lot of them were looking at us with side on glances, judgment. We'd dressed up but it would have been obvious that we were too young to be here.

Even in my halter neck dress that sat at the thighs and wedge heels.

It wasn't that I was mad at Margo and didn't want to spend time with her while she tried to step into the role of being a parent, I just didn't want to be at home. I hated it at home right now. Reminders of mom and dad were all over the house. Their scent still lingered and their footsteps still echoed in the halls. I couldn't stand it.

Margo promised me that we'd move soon. In the mean time, I avoided those walls as often as possible.

Kelsey fell into the old sunken couch beside me. I could feel the springs and it smelt like stale alcohol. She handed me a bottle of vodka and threw her platinum blonde hair behind her shoulder. Kelsey and I hadn't run in the same circle until recently. She hung out with older kids, she had big boobs and an overall womanly figure and due to that fact alone, she appeared more mature than a lot of the other girls in our grade.

She'd always been known for rolling with an older crowd, drinking, smoking and having sex. Things that I had no interest in until she invited me to a movie one day. It was out of the blue but I didn't decline because I was in need of a distraction. We sat in the back of her brother's car before the movie and she lit up a joint.

I'd never done drugs before and I'd been told never to touch them. But her and her brother watched me expectantly and so, I took it and ended up as high as a kite. It'd had been a good time though, so I didn't complain. Kelsey must have deemed me worth her time because she carried on inviting me to parties and sleepovers. Her methods of fun were everything that I knew I wasn't supposed to do, but they worked so well. I forgot about real life when I was with her.

"You remember how I was telling you that my brother's ex girlfriend is pregnant?" Kelsey said from beside me. I nodded. "She's here with her friends. She isn't drinking or anything but imagine coming to something like this when you're pregnant! Trashy."

"Yeah. Like go home. That's so weird. How old is she again?"

"Si— oh hey," she waved at a couple of girls from school that were passing. They gave her a smile of acknowledgment but didn't stop. Older girls. Probably didn't want to be seen with us. "Sixteen," she finished and guzzled her drink.

"It's not your brother's though, right?"

Kelsey shook her head, her hoop earrings moving with her unstable movement. "Nope. Kane isn't that stupid and they split ages ago. But I'm pretty sure she's still into him. I saw them while I was getting our drinks. He literally mouthed 'help' at me."

"Ew how desperate," I gagged and we both giggled.

"Right. I would fucking die if I got pregnant at that age. Like nope. Get that thing out of me. Fuck, I don't know if I ever want kids."

I agreed with her that it wouldn't be an ideal situation but I had to admit that I'd never thought of myself as someone who would get an abortion. Not that it was worth thinking about unless I was enlisted to be the next Virgin Mary.

"I want a cigarette, come outside with me?" She opened her palm and I laced our fingers. We stood up and started weaving through the crowded living area. It was dark and loud but we made it to the back doorstep and pushed through people gathered on the concrete steps until we landed on the large deck that extended over a pool.

Lights at the bottom of it illuminated the water. People were swimming, girls were shrieking when they were pushed in. I held on tight to Kelsey and hoped that no one would find it entertaining to hurl us into the water. She placed herself on the edge of a circle that was gathered, cigarette smoke billowing into the air, and started asking around for a lighter. She had her own pack, one that Kane provided for her.

Although it was obvious that we weren't welcome, no one was outright rude to Kelsey or me because they knew that her brother was the lacrosse captain and that held rank at these parties. The popular kids were untouchable and so, by association, we were untouchable too. Otherwise we'd have been sent packing a long time ago.

Kelsey handed me a cigarette and the borrowed lighter and we stood there, bopping along to Womanizer by Britney Spears. I was about half way through mine, Kelsey was deep in conversation with some girl from the cheer squad who didn't want a bar of us until Kelsey started asking her all about cheerleading. The girl was more than thrilled to talk about her passion without a breath in between pauses and then, I felt someone bump into me.

"Oh my bad."

I turned around and came face to face with a super hot guy. He was lean, sort of tall. He had a big T-shirt on and loose track pants. His hair was dark but his skin was pale and he had a lip piercing that he put between his teeth as he looked me over. He couldn't have been older than sixteen but I was still surprised that he was showing any interest in me.

"Can I have a drag?" He gestured at the half cigarette in my hand and I looked down at it, brain going slow. I snapped out of it and nodded, handing it over. "Thanks."

He watched me as he wrapped his lips around the stick and inhaled. My stomach twisted into a knot of tension when he leaned in close and then he came closer and closer until his lips were on mine and he blew the cigarette smoke into my mouth. My eyes widened and I coughed, cheeks emblazoned red at how stupid I must have looked.

He didn't seem to care though, he chuckled and leaned back again, slipping his free hand into his pocket. I looked over at Kelsey who was staring at me with her jaw clenched and her grin full of intent. She fanned at her face and gave me a thumbs up.

"You want this back?" He held his hand out and I shook my head.

"You can finish it."

He winked and it made my stomach go stupid. I'd almost forgotten that we were surrounded by an entire party full of people when his gaze was singled in on me and me alone.

"You go to St. James?" He asked.

I nodded and wondered if I should clarify that I was a freshman. "I'm a freshman there."

He nodded as if the news was uninteresting to him. Finally, someone that didn't care if I was younger than the rest of the students.

"How about you?" I tucked my hair behind my ear. It was smooth and straight tonight, different than its usual wave.

"I'm in town visiting a friend," he finished the cigarette and flicked the butt into the pool. I winced, gross. But I looked up with a startle when he stepped closer and closed the space between us.

"You're hot as fuck."

I swallowed. He was so blunt and forward and we'd been standing here for five minutes at the most. I guess I couldn't blame him. He was hot too and he must have known it.

"You're really hot too," I said. His gaze moved down to my mouth.

My face heated up. That was such a lame attempt at flirting. But it must have worked because he lowered his head and kissed me again. I'd only kissed one other boy before. But it never involved tongue. So when his slipped inside my mouth, I wasn't sure what to do. I tried to mimic his movements, rolling my tongue against his. His hands went into my hair and he held it tight.

How did people not over think this sort of thing. It felt so weird. I mean, I liked it. But I was so worried that I was doing something wrong. Especially when he broke apart and leaned back.

"Mmm. Your lips are so fucking big and soft."

"Thanks," I touched the tip of my fingers to my bottom lip and lowered my head. No one had ever told me that before.

We made out for a little longer. For a while I think. I lost track of time. But eventually we found ourselves against the house, tucked away in our own world. We hadn't gone far from our original spot but when I looked around, I couldn't see Kelsey anymore. I hope she wasn't mad that I'd become distracted. I pulled out my phone while the tall gorgeous stranger checked his own phone. I didn't even know his name. I'd have to ask him once I was done with this message.

Lost you. Sorry. I'll ditch this guy. We should get something to eat maybe?

She replied a moment later.

Don't even stress girl. Get it ! He's sooo hot. I'm inside with Kane and his buddies. Kitchen if you need me.

"Hey, I need to charge my phone," the guy said, interrupting me before I could respond to Kelsey. "Want to come help me find a charger. It's a standard Nokia. There'll be one in the house somewhere."

"Oh. Sure," I nodded and let him lace our fingers together.

I followed him through the crowded house. The living room coffee table was broken now. There were shattered bottles in the hall and guys passed out on the floor. The later it got, the more the antics turned up. I worried about Kelsey for a moment until I remembered that she was with her brother.

We wandered upstairs and opened three bedroom doors, finding all rooms occupied until we came to the fourth. This house was huge, likely gorgeous when it wasn't trashed with teenagers. I didn't even know who it belonged to but that didn't stop this guy from closing the door behind us and heading straight over to the double bed under a large window.

He searched on either side for a charger and rummaged through the side table drawers while I stood at the foot of the bed and looked around. There were posters of half naked girls on the wall, lacrosse gear on the floor and study books on the desk. Whoever lived here was on the team.

"Found one."

It was dark in the room but I could see his silhouette leaning on the bed as he plugged it in. When he was done, he stood up and sauntered toward me. My heart started hammering again as his arms outstretched and gripped my waist, pulling me into him.

"Your body is so hot," he mumbled and then smashed his lips against mine. There was something different about this kiss. It was more frantic. Faster. Stronger. He spun us around, lips not leaving mine and pushed me down onto the bed.

We kissed like that for a while, clutching at each other, breathing heavily. It was nice I suppose. It felt good.

His hand slipped up under my skirt and I felt like I was going to pass out when he started shifting my underwear to the side. This was new. So new.

I wasn't sure that I was ready for it. I was also. . . nervous. He didn't even seem awkward when he started playing with my vagina. His fingers pressed over it, rubbing. It felt good but my face was so hot. It was awkward.

And then he slipped his fingers inside of me and started going in and out, faster and faster. I swallowed and breathed through it.

It wasn't awful but I couldn't shake the feeling of humiliation. Especially when I moaned. I didn't even know his name.

His lips left mine and he sat up, spreading my legs and kneeling between them. "Fuck, you're so wet."

Kelsey had used that phrase about guys before. Honestly, half of it was jibberish but I knew enough to know that it meant I was in the mood. Except, I was half frozen with nerves. I didn't want this. My heart was pounding so hard that it hurt when he started pulling my underwear down.

I wanted to tell him to stop or ask what he was planning to do or anything that would start a conversation and we could slow down. But I couldn't find my voice.

What if he got mad? What if he called me a tease?

I'd heard Kane use that word a lot when he talked about girls. "Yeah she sent me all of these pictures and told me she was going to suck me off and didn't even fucking show up. Fucking tease."

What if he thought that I wasn't attracted to him or thought that he was the problem. I didn't want him to think that. I wasn't cruel. I wondered what to say that would make me the problem.

"I've never done this before," I stammered as I watched him pull himself out of his own pants. I'd never seen a penis in person before and I couldn't even look at it. "I don't know what I'm doing."

Maybe he'd think I was a waste of time if I didn't know what I was doing.

"You don't kiss like you've never done this before," his voice was low and full of intent.

"Oh uh thanks. Yeah but I haven't. This is— I haven't done anything before."

"Don't worry baby," he fell over me again and started pulling my dress up over my hips. "I'll guide you through it. Fuck, you're hot. So hot. I want you so bad."

He started kissing me again and I felt flesh on my vagina. I didn't think my heart could beat any harder. I didn't want this. I wasn't ready. I didn't even know his name. This wasn't special.

But I didn't want to make him feel rejected or hurt. It wasn't his fault that I wasn't ready. I didn't want to upset him by telling him to stop. He might think that I don't like him.

He leaned up on his hands and started pushing further in. I opened my mouth. I had to tell him something. Make something up.

"I'm— I jus—" my words were halted when he thrust, hard. It was a painful, stinging, searing sensation. I cried out and felt tears welling.

"It's okay, it'll get more comfortable," he said, giving me a quick kiss before he inched back and hovered over me, sliding in and out. It felt like I was tearing from the inside out. He sped up.

"Oh fuck. You're so tight. Fuck it feels good. You're so good."

It was too late now. It was done. So I laid there and felt relieved when the pain started to ease a little bit. Just enough for it to be bearable.

"I couldn't remember a lot the next day," I told Zac who had been breathing hard and fast throughout the story. He seemed wound up. "Which I thought was weird because I felt fine at the time, you know? Like, in that moment, I felt coherent. But the next morning, so much of it was a blur."

"Did you tell someone what he did?"

I shook my head. "At the time, I didn't see it as assault. I figured, because I didn't fight him off or kick or scream, or outright tell him no, it wasn't rape. I didn't realise that rape can come in so many different forms. I was ashamed about what happened, I didn't want to talk about it. But I didn't understand why. Not until I told Margo what happened some time later and she was furious. At him. Not me."

"Well yeah. You were just a kid," he mumbled. "He took advantage of you. Hell, it won't even be that long before Willa is fourteen and I can't even imagine someth—" he shook his head and clenched his jaw.

"Yeah, that's the other thing," my fingers curled around each other and I shifted, feeling the weight of this confession putting so much pressure on my chest that I expected my rib cage to crack. This was harder than telling Raine. He watched me, waiting. "A couple of months after it happened, I found out that I was— pregnant."

He stilled and his gaze widened.

"I tried looking for him after that. I guess I felt like he should have known. But he was gone. No one that I spoke to knew who he was and I didn't have a name to search. So I forgot about him and I guess I finally opened up to Margo. Leaned on her. Let her support me. It brought us closer together and I ended up placing a little girl up for adoption—" I choked on sobs caught in my throat. I always did when I thought about it. "I gave her up for adoption on the 6th of May, 2009."

He was still, so still as he watched me and realisation dawned on him. It was a subtle flicker in his awestruck gaze. "Willa?"

I nodded, swiping at tears on my face. "She's my daughter."