Hi everyone, um....I'm just wondering, have you felt like everyone has this expectation or to play this role but you just disappointment then and that you're just a walking disaster everywhere you go?
***WARNING: Before you read on, this ramble has more of a mature content. I would probably talk about certain things that I don't support you doing on yourself!!***

      Well.... that's been me since Wednesday (February 15). I'm not going get into much detail and to burden you about my week but I'm just going to summarize the main bits of my week. (The first few reasons aren't as important as the ones on the bottom)

• I didn't eat much this whole week. Meaning, I've skipped meals. (No comment there)

• Boys have been either too cocky with themselves or have treated me like I was Snow White. (Just supposed to stand there and look pretty, also to clean for them) And it annoyed and got on my nerves that I was tempted to hit them.
((I'm so sorry if you're a male and you're reading this; it DOES NOT apply to you, it's the guys in my classes.))

• I've been yelled at for not doing something correct and that their tone has clear disappointment.

• I heard too many screams and there were voices getting inside my mind this week. Also that I felt like there was a dagger always staring behind me.

• There was too much pressure and expectations on me that I started to get frequent headaches and that it had caused some anxiety attacks. (And I know that the last time I had anxiety attacks were during October and November in 2016)

• My emotions have been in a whirlwind and I damn tearing up; feeling like a burden, disappointment, a walking disaster, a person who isn't important nor special, who has no purpose, like I'm just a piece of shattered and broken glass and that I can never be fixed

• But there was this one person who have helped me through it all....no matter what. And I am always grateful to that person, they mean the galaxy to me. I'm scared of loosing them...and I know that I will NEVER let them go! (I don't care if you think it's selfish, I love them too much!)

• Er....um......I've self-harmed more. And that in real life, I've tried to turn back to the girl I was before....a stoic and stone-hard girl who barely revealed any emotions, who barely tear up and cry, who can pull up a smile when deep down they want to breathe for once.

So...that's been my week after Valentines Day. But yesterday, there was too much for me to bottle up.

And...I did self-harm...but before any of you actually get scared for me, I didn't cut myself! And no, I'm not going to say how I actually harmed myself.

But anyway...the thing is.....when I felt physical pain....it calmed me down and had me stop tearing up. Is that bad and wrong to feel calm when I felt actual pain?
When I told this person about this, they had told me that it's fine that I get calmed down from physical pain but they also said don't get used to it.

    But...what if I'm used to physical pain calming me?
       Because I've done this quite a bit for a while now. And I know that you should take care of yourself and cherish your body b-but my mind sometimes doesn't care and that physical pain can help me numbs out my emotions and help me get through that.

       I DON'T ENCOURAGE ANYONE TO DO THIS!!! Why I do this will be a secret that only I know of!

Moving on...when I was finally able to leave the school (musical rehearsal), I was eager to get outside and get to finally breathe normally. Once I did...I felt raindrops drip on my skin, and I felt relief and the feeling of freedom.

There's a poem I found and I wanted to  share and I didn't write it myself! (I can't write a great poem):

Stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

Then, when I was alone and in my room, I listened to only 4 songs, which have made me feel more relieved and comfortable and had me feel like my voice is heard.

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"I'll Fight" by Daughtry.

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"Broken Arrows" also by Daughtry.

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"Cry with You", by Hunter Hayes

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"Be My Escape" (the acoustic version) by Relient K

(I felt like I had to mention these songs somewhere, don't judge)

       Well....I'm so sorry if I have burden and have bothered you with this sad and troublesome ramble. Also if I have confused you a bit in this ramble.

I'm so sorry again, signing off,
Crystal~Rose
(P.S. Please don't give me pity because you feel obligated to!)