i don't understand this. Sisi (my bff) thinks that i have this awesome life with: good grades, a good house, a good family, good friends, a good personality, a good financial life, and a really good spiritual life. but that's not completely true. my life isn't like that. my grades weren't like that before, i was failing. i got my butt up and did my best, and i'm smart. and no, i am not trying to sound big headed but here's the thing : it is freaking true. i have the grades and vocabulary to prove it. i'm sick and tired of putting myself down with all of it. i get why i do that though, and it wasn't the reason i gave Om (another bff of mine). i do it because i don't want to get a big head and i don't want to seem like i have one. so , and this is probably a very dumb way to handle it, i tell myself that it isn't true. that it is just a nice thing someone tells you to make you feel good about yourself. that was my brains way of handling it. its seriously stupid though. the house? yea right. its filled with ants, bugs, and even rodents sometimes. its not this good house with a million awesome things in it. good family? my family doesn't suck but i certainly wouldn't call it good. good friends? my friends end up goin through he** and back. and i am always there for them. i get stepped on and dragged under all the time so there is no way in all get out that my friends are these awesome most best friends. they are not horible and i love them to death, but that doesnt mean i have these awesome relationships all the time. personality my butt, i am too sarcastic with people and way too nice.  and at this point i don't care what Om says about it (my optimism and cheerfulness) working together because thats bull.

**u guys won't know about half the stuff in this one, but oh well**