So yeah, I'm just going through a lot as of now and trying to find my way in this world.

As you all know, if you bother to read my statues I honestly think people don't and that's okay you all have your lives to care about someone you just read stories from. 

But yeah, I'm starting collage. Two year community collage. I know all the shit that people give on people who do community collage. I've heard it all. Stop being a fucking pussy just because of the world Community collage. At least these collages are trying to get people to get a degree in something. It's stupid that people are so mean to others about it.

Whatever, I am starting that, and I have no idea what I am fucking doing. I was thinking landscaping, but now I am thinking about Criminology, something in sociology as I know what it's like to want someone to talk to or just wanting to know how people think. Plus I'm not getting a lot of support form my grandparents, as in moral support to go to collage, below you understand what I mean.

Anywho, I am very much confused right now on everything. I'm in Florida right now with my aunt and shit is just hitting the fan hard. Don't get me wrong I really love her, but she is her own person and while I look up to her I get the feeling she will never understand me.

I know she is trying to get me to be mature, but it's really getting on my nerves as she says that I tend to be rude. Then she'll flip right around and tell me to say what I mean. It's all getting very confusing as I think, even though she is like 30, she just is very confused herself. Telling me that I need to change myself or I'm not going to have any friends.

As of now her 'joking' tends to really get to me. I think she is being mean about it, and it is making me feel horrible about myself when she jokes at how I am 'eating her out of house and home' even though i don't eat a lot of things. She also tells me I need to work out more as I won't be like this forever able to eat pizza rolls and microwave food. 

So yeah, every time I try and tell her this it's just not coming out right. She says she doesn't want to play this game with me. How I just feel like i'm being a burden or something like I'm being to needy with her. I don't want to see like I'm so important, but at the same time I want her to understand I was taught to be 'Seen not Heard'. So it dose hurt a lot that she is kind of saying 'I know' when it feels like she doesn't.

And I'm sure you all know by that quote there I was raised in a strict home. Not as in too harsh, but enough to where my parents did try and dictate a lot of the things I did in subtle ways. I something thing now I am a little messed up in the head. Part of that is because I lived with my grandparents who are very religious. As in heavy Evangelical people very set in their ways.

Not to step on anyone toes, but I'm just going to say it. I sometimes think their religious aspects very much messed me up a lot. Which is why I am a Agnostic Atheist, and don't give me the whole 'Not all religious people are like that' I know I have friends who are Protestant and Catholic. But you can ask them, I do not think all of religion is a good thing there are ties when that can hurt people mentally.

One that I can remember a bit is when I'd cry myself to sleep thinking I was going to hell. That I was a bad kid and God would never want me. How they drilled this in me that without God I was a bad kid. But also through the years I never had read the bible, I mean for most people that is what preachers do. I was all about going to school and looking at history and math. So I never knew the thing is thought were okay where not okay with 'God'. And for the longest time I thought there was only Christians and that's it. That was until I was about 14 and figured out there was more then just what I believed. I truly thought everyone believed in God.

When i was 16 my mom played this on me, and drove my fear to the roof. That I was going to hell for thinking nothing was wrong with gays and that my RPing was bad, my seeing nothing wrong with smut was bad. That is wasn't my business that two people had sex in a bed was against religion. Or that I shouldn't force what I think down other's throats.

Don't get me wrong I love them, but there are things that they did that really did scare me. The fear alone still hangs with me today and I'm still over coming it. And i often feel anyone I turn to was not going to be there for me as they were all religious. 

I do love my friends, Littlewolf65 and Bloxiegirl123, and I get they understand a lot from how they are raised. But to explain what I went through with religion, it rather hard as I don't think my grandparents are aware the drama the put me through. And don't get me wrong they are my best friends, I just feel religious people don't get how religion can harm others. No offense to you both! People don't take offense to this!

There was one time, and I remember it well that I woke up one morning with this overwhelming fear in me. I was shaking, I couldn't sleep, I felt like I was drowning almost in fear. I was scared out of my mind, and panicking. My stomach hurt, everything was wrong. I was crying as I didn't understand why I felt so scared. And I think it was having some sort of attack, panic or anxiety. I don't know, all I know is that my dad only prayed for me and it too me forever to stop shaking and go back to sleep. My stomach hurt he next morning, I was afraid to eat as I thought it was a stomach bug. But it didn't feel like one, it felt like fear had taken over my body. I don't remember most of it as I blocked the memories, but I don't want it to happen again.

And I know they'd have me deny all of this as they think 'They will take you away from us if you tell them this' and they used this more then once on things I said about them that I thought was normal. And the more i think about it, there are things that they did that was okay in their time but not now.

NO THEY DIDN'T BEAT ME!!!

They never did that, but I mean their heavy forcing of their faith was okay for their time. However now, in this world, it can hurt a person. 

So yeah, not a fan of heavy religious people as of that account and things I've seen with others. But I have friends who are religious and they are awesome.

There was one friend that I had who truly was there with me on most of the shit I was going through. As we are going through the same fears and drama. And she is going through a lot of shit right now also, possible more then me. So yeah thank you TinaPikachu as she did give me someone to talk to about most of this shit.  I hope now she is doing okay

And also Caroline_Fangirl7 who also gave me someone to talk to on and non religious stand point.

But yeah, between my past and what is happening now It all confusing and I'm just so scared for the future as I was often taught to think of all the bad things before the good. So I don't have a lot of self esteem to think for myself as I've never had to chance to do things for myself. This is like being thrown into the sharks tank with nothing to defend myself with. And it's terrifying.

I don't think anyone truly in my family gets this, they try to help but I seems the damage is already done to me. I am trying to pull myself out of this hole before it gets worse. I don't know where I am going, what I am going to do. It's scary as I have only be told how I can fail by my grandparents. As they want me to to be a 'house wife' and relay on them. And I know it's wrong for them to do that to me, but in my mind I'm worried I will end up like that. Stuck and unable to get out.

As I have one who is telling me to 'grow up' and 'mature' more, that I don't need to say everything in one breath to people. That I shouldn't give away so much info about me, when I don't think I am. And the other who is treating my like a kid and pushing down my want to provide for myself and make something of myself. And my mom really isn't helping, my real mom, as she wants me to go. But she only seems to parrot with my grand mother says and my step dad, helpful as he is, just can't seem to understand the struggle I am going through my mind.

They way they are both doing all this, it's like I have two different sides of a coin. How I act at school and how I act around family. And I don't know how to break it.

So yeah that's what is going on for me right now. Trying to move out of this horrible feeling or 'I'm a bad person' and need God in my life to make my choices. When that didn't work before and only seemed to make things worse. And also thinking there is something wrong with me mentally when there might not be.

Shit has hit the fan I hope things do get better from here and my fears are unfound.

Call me what you like, I don't care anymore. People would possible tell me I am just whining and I don't know what real pain is like, and that nothing is wrong with me. I've heard it all, that I'm just a baby and need to deal with my life. That people have worse lives then me, and I know this, so that is why I never sought help as mine is not as bad as others. I've started to believe what they say as they tell me all that. That they are going through more then me and I just need to shut up and let them by pass me that I don't need anyone.

I... Are they right? I don't know... 

I'm just so confused and scared and upset, and I feel like crying.

So I am confiding these thoughts here to get them off my chest. And I know people might flame this as they are just people like me who have gone through shit. So whatever, can't do anything about people who just want to put others down when they are just dumping out shit. And don't get me wrong on this, not all are like that, as one person in the comments said. The experience I had was I told someone about this and that was literally what happened. They put me down because they had 'been through worse'

I'll end it here, thanks for reading if you bothered to read it all before commenting.

Jade~