Graham

Why is he here. My mouth hangs open as he shivers profusely from the balcony. I let him in without a second thought. His lips have a blue tint to them due to cold London weather. He just stares at me with this stupid grin on his face. My stomach is doing flips and I feel as if I'm right back where I was a year ago. Words don't seem to find me easy the longer he smiles at me and I begin to pray to whatever there is out there that he'll just fucking say something.

"Who the fuck..." Frank. Thank god for frank. I break the awkward eye contact between me and Damon to address the elephant in the room. 

"J-Just an old f-friend." And just like that I am reduced to a stuttering mess. I wish Damon didn't impose the exact opposite effect he had on me previously. I feel so small with him standing across from me right now. "Do you think you could hang out in my room for a little while, Frank? I should probably uh, deal with this." I compose myself to the best of my abilities.

"I guess." He gives me a weird look as he slowly gets up. As he walks over to my room he gives me a look that says 'holler if this asshole gives you any trouble'. I smile gratefully to let him know I got the message. As my bedroom door shuts though, I realize that I actually have to face the issue at hand. Damon is already sitting on the couch and wrapping himself tightly in the blanket Frank had been using. I finally get a good look at him. I mean a really good look. He looks like absolute shit. He mush have lost at least twenty pounds which is a lot considering the fact he was already small when we had known each other before. His face is gaunt and the bags under his eyes stand out against his far too pale skin. I also don't miss the marks running um his thin arms as he adjusts the blanket around himself.

"How have you been Graham! I love what you've done with the place. The leather couches were a lovely touch-"

"why are you here?" I cut him off quickly. My voice is drained of any emotion as I watch the giddy childlike grin fall from his face and get replaced with immediate worry. I sit down now, leaving a spot on the couch between us. It feels as if we're worlds away.

"Aren't you happy to see me?" He sounds so hurt and I almost feel bad but the longer I watch him pout I remember what he did to me. What he put me through. I convince myself to stay stoic.

"Honestly? Not really." All hope slips from his features and his eyes go glassy as he rubs his arm either for comfort or warmth. I Try to ignore how mean I just was as I wait for his response. 

"I just thought-" He starts.

"Just thought w-what?" I cut him off again. I really am being brutal today. My hands begin to shake and anger crawls up through my chest. "That you were just going to come back and things were going to be exactly how they were? Get a f-fucking grip." He looks down at his lap and takes a deep breath before looking up again. This time he avoids eye contact at all costs. I watch as he settles for looking just past me, trying to give off the impression that he's looking at me. He's always been so prideful, it makes me feel sick.

"I knew we would have to work through some things when I got back but I never planned on being gone forever." He whines. " Why are you being so mean?" He looks into my eyes again. a certain sadness and loss is clearly visible and my anger escapes.

"Are you fucking kidding me? I needed you Damon! I needed you so fucking b-bad and you just left me like I was some sort of fucking burden! You completely shattered my entire world and you expect me to just fall right b-back into your arms as soon as you step back into my life! You honestly thought that would work out in your favour?" I raise my voice slightly but keep watch on the volume as my eyes find the clock hung up on the wall. It's late. I'm too tired for this shit right now.

"Graham you have to hear me out please!" He begs desperately. "I never stopped thinking of you once. The whole time all I could think of was you! I tried calling and reaching out no matter where I was! All I wanted was to come home." My suspicions of the mystery caller are immediately confirmed and my stupid heart starts beating a little bit faster. No I can't let him back in. I can't make it this easy. I won't do this to myself again. "You can't say you didn't think of me..."

"I didn't." I quickly lie and what a lie it is. I thought about him constantly for so long. Every waking moment was consumed by him and what I could have done to make him stay. I was miserable. Once I figured out how to get him out of my head, my life began to gain the momentum I had been missing for so long, but now he's here. "I know you didn't either. I mean look at you. You're a fucking rockstar, Damon. I bet you were fucking a new person twice a day. Don't lie to me like that it's not going to work."

"I wasn't! I swear! I couldn't even think about doing it. I just wanted was you." He is beginning to get frustrated. I believe him but I want to make him hurt.

"I don't want you back, I didn't think about you, and I'm seeing other people." I regret it as soon as the words leave my mouth. Agony. It's the only way I can explain the expression on Damon's face. Pain filled sobs wrack his body and my heart clenches at the fact I did that to him. 

"No, no, no, no, no..." He repeats himself over and over again as he continues to cry. Words cannot explain how horrible I feel as I just sit and watch the man I once loved unravel in front of me. I've never seen him this way and I really thought I had wanted to. How wrong I was to inflict this pain onto him.

"I'm sorry." It's quiet but I say it. He looks up at me and I can see it in his eyes that I'm still his world. Fuck. When did I become so ruthless and cold? He did hurt me but I took it too far. I had the time to convince myself he was doing whatever he wanted out on the road and that I could protect myself from if I were to ever find out about his activities with other people. He didn't. He thought I was the same Graham that was terrified of intimacy. The Graham that was nervous to hold hands with him... What have I done to this poor man. He begins to calm himself down after a short period of time and his sobs soon diminish to small hiccups and sniffles.

"No you're not. You shouldn't be. I deserve this. I can't believe the shit I did to you sometimes Graham." My chest constricts and a lump begins to form at the back of my throat. This is not how I imagined this to go if the time ever came that he'd come back. I wanted him to hurt, but not in this way. I thought he would start to scream and yell at me about how he doesn't regret leaving me and that he never even loved me. This though, this just hurts the both of us more than I could ever begin to imagine.

"I didn't love any of them. Not like I loved you. You don't deserve this." I admit and he looks up at me with a melancholy expression that makes tears now start to gather in my own eyes. I don't even try to stop them from falling down my cheeks.

"You don't have to lie. I know I fucked you over. I saw you in this dark pit and I just left you and now I'm here getting sad that you moved on." He laughs but there's no sign of joy. I mean how could there be? "Are you seeing that guy?" He nods toward my room.

I shake my head. "He's just a friend." I answer honestly and he just stares ahead. I might have just ruined this for myself. The longer the silence drags on, the more my anxiety rises. I still think he's beautiful despite his new unhealthy appearance.  A lot of memories are rushing through my head and despite what he's done I also have to remind myself that I wouldn't be where I am without him, or lack thereof. Maybe him leaving when he did was better for me than I had initially thought. I'm independent now. I'm outgoing and I don't let others walk all over me anymore. Even I can honestly say that I was growing codependent on him and it wasn't healthy for the either of us. The thought of a second chance is beginning to become less and less terrifying.

"What are we going to do?" He asks tiredly. I blink my teary eyes as he meets my gaze. He looks so defeated and as if he's expecting the worst now that we've had this conversation. I feel like he's a shell of what he once was. That ball of sunshine that used to roam the cold floors of this far too small apartment is no longer with me and now this husk of an individual sits beside me. I want my Damon back so badly and I am now determined.

"I- do you still even w-want-" I can't even get my words out. I watch the hope slowly trickle back into his exhausted eyes. I pray that this isn't going to be a mistake. 

"Of course I still want you Graham." He smiles lightly. Theres still glimpse of pain in his expression and I'd imagine it will be there for a good while after this. I sigh half out of relief and half to catch my breath as he sniffles again. I realize I'm still crying.

"Are you going to l-leave me like that again? I don't think I'd be able to handle it if you did. I can't do it again." I feel so pathetic saying it out loud. He shakes his head rapidly.

"I wouldn't ever dream of doing that to you like that again, but..." Oh god here it comes.

"But what?" I ask impatiently. He seriously cannot be trying to make an excuse for if he were to ever do this again.

"I'm still in the band and that's not going to change. Not for the time being that is." And there it is. The anger I thought was dealt with is back. He's going to leave me. Over and over again. I'm not doing this. How is he going to come back and tell me that he's ready to give it another shot but he can't let go of the very thing that destroyed our fragile relationship in the first place.

"Seriously?" With just that one response I can see anger building behind his own eyes. He cannot be for real right now. If he can't see why this is an issue we can't continue to go through with anything that might be.

"It's my career Graham! You expecting me to give ups a successful career doing what I love for your insecurity!" He shouts a little too loud. I'm definitely going to get at least one complaint in the morning.

"I thought you said you 'love me and wanted to come home the whole time'." I mock in a condescending voice. I know it's childish but I can't help it. He's making me so angry.

"I'm allowed to miss you and want to be with you while also loving my job though! It's not like it's going to be like last time! You'll know the tour dates and even be able to fly out to see me sometimes. We have so much momentum going for us right now! I can't just leave at what might be the height of our success!" He argues and I can't say that I don't see where he's coming from but this is just making me feel like a complete afterthought. 

"No. I need you here with me. You can't just uproot everything every once in a while for people who have never had your back in the first place while I'm stuck here alone waiting around for you like some pathetic trophy wife. It's f-fucking degrading." I stutter at the end as I start to cry a little harder. His face softens.

"It's not going to be like that Graham. I promise. You know how much I love you and that I'll be thinking of you every moment I'm away. You just have to let me do this. Please." He pleads. I can't help but feel the need to compromise. I guess it is a little unfair of me to expect him to give up everything to do nothing in an apartment with me everyday. That will destine him to be some mediocre musician playing in shitty dive bars for next to nothing. He's so much more than that.

"Fine." I breathe and he looks surprised by my answer. I bet he thinks I wouldn't budge. A smile quickly graces his lips as he leans over and gives me a big smooch on the cheek. I giggle through a small sob and wipe the slobber from my face. He just laughs at me.

"I'm going to be the best boyfriend ever now Graham. Just you wait. Breakfast in bed every morning, serenades throughout the day, and kisses goodnight... the whole nine yards." He promises. I still feel quite uneasy but as he moves to sit on the middle cushion of the couch the feelings of doubt are quickly pushed aside and quickly get replaced with joy as he takes me into his arms and begins to pepper my face with kisses. I push him away weakly but I don't actually want him to stop.

"I love you, Graham." He grins against my cheek.

"I love you too."