Damon

Graham. All I can think about is Graham as our van drives through the familiar neighbourhood of the large city I had once called home. I know he's doing good for himself, with the art and all. I even had the chance to check out one of his Manchester exhibits. He wasn't there, but I felt a little closer to him just being near things he had created. His art style has changed drastically and I both love and hate how I was probably a part of that development. I can truthfully say that I will never forget one specific painting. It was still abstract but far more clear than his previous works. It featured a man wrapped in a white duvet sitting on a balcony. It didn't take much effort to see that it was me. The view was familiar. All the buildings matched up with my memories of the place I had lived.

After that exhibit, I made a point to keep tabs on my love. Making sure to ask Alex about him whenever I got the chance. I even started calling his home phone every few shows in hopes that he'd pick up. He never did, but it was never like Graham to even consider answering for a random number. Louis parks the van outside of the adored apartment building.

"You seem excited." Mike says absentmindedly as he skims through his magazine. I just now realize that my leg is bouncing a mile a minute and that I'm smiling. Funny how Graham does that to me. I shrug and continue beaming up at the building just outside the smelly van I'm sitting in. I'm almost home. "You ready to see everyone?"

"Yeah. It's been too long y'know?" I say happily and Mike just laughs at my antics. It really has been too long. Hopefully long enough for Graham to forget all of the terribly awful things I had said and done. "It feels like forever ago that you two left me here." I feign seriousness and Mike looks away from his magazine. Louis scoffs from the drivers seat and I just laugh.

"You know we're sorry for that one, mate. Honest mistake." Louis holds his hands up in defeat. It didn't seem to honest to me, but I let it go and opt to get out, taking my suitcase with me.

"Alright guys, I'll see you in a few months when we get back in the studio." I smile and they nod. "I'll call you if all goes well." It's a promise I hope will go as planned. They're probably just excited to get rid of me because they have heard nothing but stories about Graham and I for the past year. They told me they want to meet him when things get back to normal. God, I hope things get back to normal.

The first step into the building feels like coming home. Everything is just how I left it. Alex waits for me in the lobby and I immediately drop my suitcase and run over to give the tall man a tight hug. Though our last in person encounter had been quite strained, Alex and I both missed each other very much this year. I can't wait to hear about everything he's been up to since I left.

"Damon, mate. I missed you!" He cries out in an over exaggerated manner as he hugs me even tighter. I can barely breathe but I don't care enough to pull away.

"I missed you too." I mock. He punches me in the shoulder and grabs my suitcase. I complain that he doesn't have to do that but he just keeps walking so I shut my mouth and get into the elevator.

Alex's apartment is spotless. Wine and cheese sit out as per usual and No Doubt plays from his radio in the kitchen. We both collapse onto the couch and begin a long conversation about where this past year has taken us. Alex tells me that he has gone back to school and is majoring in engineering. He also tells me that he thinks he's met the love of his life, Claire.

"She's just so amazing, Damon. She told me she wanted to move in and I think it's a wonderful idea. I just don't like being away from her." He gushes. I listen intently at the way he expresses his undying affection for this woman and it warms my heart. It's so nice to hear Alex has found someone. Claire is a very lucky woman. Alex has a good head on his shoulders unlike me. He knows right from wrong. I just wish I had taken more of his advice when I was with Graham.

Maybe we wouldn't have gotten into that mess if I had just taken the time to appreciate him as well as sympathize and understand his thought process. I guess I did in the beginning. I was extremely patient, but towards the end I was wearing thin. It was so hard to watch the one person you had ever felt a deep connection with drown for two months while you just sat there and did nothing because there was nothing you could even do. I still resent myself for how things ended. It was my fault, but only partially. It took me a really long time to realize that.

"So when do I get to meet the lucky lady?" I question and Alex smiles just at the mention of her. He's got it bad.

"Well I was hoping to have her come 'round along with Jamie and Dave tonight. Everyone wants to see what you've been doing." He laughs. "If you're not up to seeing people tonight I could cancel though. I know how busy you've been."

"What about Graham?" Alex's expression changes from happy to some sort of concern. I know he's not surprised I've brought him up. He's probably wondering how it took me so long considering I've been here for nearly an hour and I haven't even mentioned him up until now. Something about Alex's quick change in emotion tells me that however Graham is right now, it's not good. I wonder if he's worse off than he was before. I really hope not. I'd never forgive myself if he is struggling because of me. I really hope Alex hadn't been lying over the phone about how he's been doing.

"I didn't know how to tell you this before, but Graham is kind of, not Graham anymore." He sighs sadly.

"What do you even mean by that?" I ask impatiently. Alex just looks away, focusing on the wine cork laying on the table. He looks as if he's trying to piece together his thoughts in a way that won't worry me but all this waiting is making me scared. Graham is not Graham? How could Graham not be Graham?

"I guess he's just really different now. He's more confident. Doesn't care about stuff like he used to." Graham? Confident? I've very obviously missed quite a lot.

"What? When did this start?" I ask. I almost want to cry. I'm worried I've now come back to see a complete stranger and we won't be able to slip back into our little world. It felt far away when I was on tour but now that I'm here with only a ceiling separating me from him, I feel even further. I didn't know what to expect, coming back and all. I absolutely did not expect for Graham to have grown cold though.

"After you left he shut himself in ten times worse than he had before you got here. I tried to check up on him but the only times I would actually see him were when he was going to Grace's." At least that didn't change. "And then Grace got diagnosed with dementia." Oh. "Something snapped in him when she had to move into hospice. He got rid of a bunch of stuff and started actively trying to put himself out there. I'm really worried about him, Damon. I thought he was doing better, but the more I hang around he just seems like he's someone else wearing Graham's skin."

Well this is terrifying. I thought I knew exactly how our reunion was going to go. I had it all planned out in my head. I'd show up to his apartment with a smile and he'd immediately let me in and we'd start crying in each other's arms about how awful this time apart has been and then we'd watch movies and smoke cigarettes on the balcony until falling into a peaceful sleep in his comfortable bed. Fat chance now. I don't even have any idea who I'm dealing with anymore.

"I-I don't even know how to respond to this." I say truthfully. Just as Alex opens his mouth to continue filling me in on the struggles the love of my life has went through this year, his front door opens to reveal a tall woman with dark hair followed by Jamie and Dave. The tense air seems to dissipate as they walk in.

"So this is the musician Alex spends all his time bragging about being friends with? Hm. I thought you'd be taller." The woman laughs and sticks out her hand for me to shake. "I'm Claire."

"Damon." I say simply as I shake her hand everyone quickly falls into comfortable small talk as we lounge around the living room. I can't seem to get my mind off Graham though. He must have been a wreck with everything that's gone on. I can't imagine the pain he must have felt having to sign the woman he considered a mother figure into a nursing home. I just want to give him a big hug and promise him everything is going to be okay.

Alex definitely takes note of how deep in thought I am about the whole situation. I thought I had gotten over feeling terrible about leaving until now. He probably needed me and I was out doing god knows what with whoever I was around at the time. Days and events seem to get mixed up on the road.

"So Damon, tell us some tour stories would you?" I'm pulled out of my thoughts as Jamie attempts to lift my spirits. It kind of works because he gets me talking for a good half hour about basically nothing. Everyone listens intently as I tell them about how the van broke down in the middle of nowhere and a family let us stay in their barn for the night while the town mechanic overcharged us for minor issues.

"Oh! And the worst part? No one could find Louis or the farmer's daughter in the morning. Turns out he was shagging her in one of the old tool sheds and the three of us had to run for our lives so we wouldn't get shot!" I wheeze along with everyone else. It wasn't very funny when it happened and I was actually quite annoyed at the situation in its entirety, but now it makes for a good story for the grandkids, if I ever adopt any that is.

"Sounds like you've been living life to the fullest." Dave sighs dreamily at the thought of leaving his mundane life behind for misadventures such as the one I had just told him about. I want to tell him that things like that get old after the first few weeks on the road and it turns into survival rather than just having fun. I'll let him dream though.

"I'm gonna go out for a smoke." I say as I stand up and brush the crumbs from the crackers I had been eating off my lap. Alex huffs and shoots me a glare but I just laugh.

It's disgustingly cold outside but I pay no mind to the temperature and light my fag. The wind nips at the exposed skin on my arms and I shiver. It seems a lot colder than last time I was here. I wonder if the world knows Graham and I are no more too.

I peer past the glass sliding door at everyone inside as I continue to smoke. They're all excited to see me, but I know they know I'm not here for them. Would they really mind if I just...

I begin to scale up the railings with a half finished cigarette hanging between my lips. The ground seems a lot further away than it did last time I had done this, but I was also drunk then and my memory could be failing me about how high up I really was. My legs shake from fear, nervousness, and cold as I heave myself over Graham's railing. He's in for a shock.

I smile to myself as I knock on the door but no one comes to let me in. All the lights are off and there's no sign that anyone even lives here. It looks a lot different now. I'm almost worried that he moved, but then I see the piles of books and empty coffee mugs. He's still there.

Once I'm sure he's not going to let me in, I sit with my back leaning against the railing and wait. I realize pretty quickly that I should have brought a jacket and some shoes with me before I trespassed and got myself stuck here but it's too late to worry about that so I just continue to wait.

I hear the party downstairs end. I know Alex knows I had left for a reason which is why no one came out looking for me. He's a good friend. My teeth begin to chatter. I wish he'd throw me my jacket though.

My watch reads nearly 1am by the time someone walks into my former home. My skin is numb and red from the cold but I don't even care because he's here. Graham's home I stand up and watch him enter the apartment before heading straight to his room. Some random follows and my heart races for a second. Has he moved on? The man lays down on the couch and I calm down. Then I remember that I slept on Graham's couch before we got together and I worry myself all over again.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I don't even realize the man laying on the couch is staring up at me with sheer terror in his eyes. He says something and Graham runs to see what's going on. I can barely keep the smile off my face just seeing him again. His hair is a bit shorter, but he's still my Graham. I haven't been able to hear much but something definitely catches my ear as Graham walks over to let me in.

"Fucking dolt."

***
Okay so I don't really write author notes anymore but I had a really cool idea and since we are one chapter away from the end, I thought I'd share just in case anyone was interested.

So I was thinking about printing 5 copies of this story into a book form (I'm thinking about only doing maybe 3 now since it is so expensive) and making them available for purchase. I would make sure to do a lot of editing before hand so it will be truly worth it. If this happens, it will be pretty exclusive due to pricing issues so I will probably have it be first come first serve in terms of who will be able to get a book.

After I edit and physically have the books in my possession, I will update this story and the first people who call dibs will be able to reserve a book. The price will most likely be 15$ plus shipping and handling, but if shipping ends up being super expensive I will look at lowering my asking price.

I hope y'all are as excited about this as I am. I know it's just a fanfic but I've put in so much time and effort that I figured why not?