Graham

"Oh Lawrence! That trip was absolutely lovely! We simply must get back to Italy once my hip heals!" Grace babbles on from her spot in the nursing home bed. Towards the end of March her memories started failing her. Now in late December , she can only place me as her long since gone husband, Lawrence. I still make it every single Sunday and we share coffee and conversation. I've gotten over the fact that she doesn't know who I am.

"Of course. I'll look around for plane tickets when I get home." I smile and so does she. It's weird to see the woman I had always remembered for her sharp wit and spark be so confused and dazed. She's not herself but this is all I have left of her. The hospice staff have told me that it's better to just play into her delusions to keep her happy until the end. They don't see her getting very far into the new year. Her children have not visited once, telling me that they cannot make it to London. That was six months ago.

Damon got his record deal. I knew that he would. Best part about it? He has been touring long past the six months he had initially promised, meaning he hasn't had the time to check in. I'm grateful for that. I get calls from random numbers every so often and I've always wondered if it's him. I don't answer them for that exact fear.

I say goodbye to Grace and promise to be back next week, but with cookies this time. She nods and focuses her attention on the television hung in in the corner of the beige room. I sigh and make my way out of the nursing home. This is the last place Grace would have ever wanted to end up.

It's raining outside. I have to run to my taxi and the driver greets me with a warm smile. "Back to the flat Graham?" He asks. He's usually the one to drive me back and forth every weekend so we're on a first name basis. I find it strange that he is somehow always the one.

"Yeah." I smile as he turns onto the highway.

Life has been good in Damon's absence. The first few months were the hardest. I spent a lot of time pitying myself until I got to a point where I realized I couldn't live like that anymore. I ended up purging my apartment of anything that reminded me he existed. I threw away his favourite coffee mug, sold my guitar, and even got a new couch set. I proved to myself that I didn't need him to be okay. I did that.

I've been a lot more friendly than I had been before as well. I frequently visit Dave, Jamie, and Alex. I've even gotten to the point where I can get my own groceries, see movies at the cinema, and order food for myself. I've made all this progress without Damon. I find it silly that I thought I ever needed him in the first place.

The one downside since the fall would probably have to be my new adoration of alcohol. I enjoy the bar scene now a lot more than I ever thought I could. It started off as a fun excursion that Alex and I would go on every few weeks but now it's gotten to the point where I go alone just for the sole purpose of having a drink in me. I've noticed that I don't have as much time to stop and think if I'm constantly out and about or drinking so that's what I do.

My apartment comes into view and the cab slowly stops. Frank turns to me as I sift through my wallet to pay. He looks like he wants to say something but seems unsure.

"So uhm... Graham..." I pull my attention away from my money and face him as well. His eyebrows are furrowed in self doubt and reluctance as he opens his mouth to speak again. "I was wondering if- well, I was wondering if you wanted to go out on a date with me?" Oh. Well I was not expecting that. My confusion must be evident because panic takes over his features. "Oh god you're not gay, are you. I read this wrong. I'm so sorry!" He nervously rushes out. I throw my head back and laugh an unbelievable laugh. I hope he's not hurt by that.

"No, no. I'm definitely gay." His panic dissipates. "I'm just wondering, why me? You could do so much better." I tell him truthfully. Now he just looks hurt. I can tell he's been working up to this for quite a while and something tells me that his respondence to my need for a taxi has been deliberate. I sigh.

"What do you mean, Graham? You're absolutely beautiful, kind, smart, and funny. What more could anyone ask for?" He explains his thought process. I wish I didn't have the heart to tell him that I just can't worry myself over a relationship just yet but I've gotten past the phase of my life where I keep everything in until it gets back at me.

"I am a terrible boyfriend." I say truthfully. He scoffs. "No really!" I laugh. "Listen, I mess things up and if things are already messed up, I make it worse. I don't want to risk ruining this friendship because I quite like it."

"What asshole made you think like this?" He seems mad, but not at me. Thank god. "Because I'll fuck him up."

"Don't worry about it, Frank. It's not his fault. I'm just self aware." He seems annoyed by that answer but lets it go.

"Well can I at least take you out for drinks? Just as friends..?" The last part is strained and I'm reluctant to agree, but hey, free drinks with a good pal? What can go wrong.

"Sounds fun." I smile. His face lights up as if he's gotten somewhere. This poor boy. He reminds me of Damon in this very moment. He'd take whatever small amount he can get and run with it.

"Okay! Meet me at Blush later tonight?" He proposes and I nod. He seems far too giddy for him to just be considering this as a friendly bar hop. Oh god. I just nod, hand him some cash and make my way into my apartment building.

When I get home, I find Alex flipping through channels on my tv. "Don't you have your own home to go to?" I ask as I hang up my keys and take off my coat. He just shrugs and tells me that my sofa is more comfortable. I sigh and sit next to him, letting my attention fall on the shitty sitcom blaring away on my screen.

"Damon's back in London. He's looking for a place to stay." It's all he says after twenty minutes of sitting and staring ahead. He looks over to me to try and gauge how that fact makes me feel but we all know how good I am at hiding my emotions.

"I'm going out with someone tonight." I respond simply. This catches his attention. He immediately turns off the tv and gives me a weird look but I pay no mind to it. Opting to pick at my cuticles instead.

"With Max?" He questions but I shake my head. I've long since gotten over my fear of intimacy and actually do enjoy going on my fair share of dates. I would have hopped at the opportunity of genuinely classifying whatever me and Frank are going to do a date, but like I had told him earlier, I like us better as friends.

"I thought it was going well with him." Alex sighs but I just shrug.

"I was never going to actually date him though, you knew that." He just looks away. I know he's worried about me. Probably a lot more than he was before, but I don't see why. I've been better than ever.

"Can you come visit after?" I see what he's doing and I immediately shut it down. I'm not going to his apartment to see Damon. I'm sorry, but I refuse. I can't. I've worked so hard to get to where I am and I'm not letting his presence ruin what I have going for me. If Alex wants to visit with his friend, I'm not going to stop him. But I also don't want any part of it. "He still talks about you when he calls, you know." He starts again. I close my eyes and take a deep breath to try and rid my brain of the man I had lost almost a full year ago. "He thinks that things are going to go back to normal when he gets back."

"He can't be that stupid." I huff. "He knows that what he did finalized any chance of us ever getting back together." Alex seems frustrated with this answer. I know he's friends with Damon and he cares for how he's doing, but I just don't. I could care less if he misses me. He created a rift in my world and I can't even begin to think about ever letting him back in. It's just not going to happen. He had his chance and he blew it. Simple as that.

"Just think about it, okay? I think it would do both of you some good to at least have a conversation. You're not over him just because you say you are." Alex shrugs as he gets up to leave. I glare daggers into his back as he stumbles and puts his shoes on. "It will be alright, I promise. I'm going to go clean up a bit before he gets here. I expect to see you at my apartment at some point." I just flip him off and he rolls his eyes and laughs before leaving.

Yeah so that's going to be a no from me.

***

I dress myself in casual clothes before setting off into the snow covered streets. I probably should have just taken a taxi but what's the fun in that? I smoke a cigarette as I walk, paying attention to every street sign. I never knew how to get around London until this year. My navigation progress has really paid off because I'm in front of the bar by 8pm.

I find Frank waiting patiently in a back corner table with two glasses of wine. I almost groan in displeasure. This is not a date. He knows that. I end up sitting down anyways and immediately shooting off into an animated conversation about other city folk that have been in Frank's cab and the stories that accompany them.

The longer the night goes on the heavier conversation becomes. Both of us are mildly shit faced and to my surprise, Frank has only tried to flirt a few times.

"What about your parents? You have to be visiting someone in that nursing home." He questions before hailing down a waitress and ordering more beer. He sips his immediately as it shows up but the question has made me uneasy.

"Well... I can tell you right now that Grace is not my mother. I would have ended up a lot cooler than this." I attempt to joke but he can very obviously sense my reluctance to speak on this topic. Still he pushes me to keep going. "I don't know what you want me to say. My dad's dead, well to me at least, and my mom is like any other stereotypical mother out there. Pretty standard gay guy stuff." I shrug.

"What- what happened with your dad?" He asks. He looks almost scared to find out my answer and I don't know why until he speaks up again. "Because uhh... I've been thinking about coming out to my folks for a little while now and I just want to know what to expect if it goes bad."

I furrow my brows and take a long hard look at my beer. "I was with a guy and I brought him home for Christmas. It was my first relationship. I hadn't been home in a really long time and I couldn't do it alone... anyways, my dad heard me going into my boyfriend's room in the middle of the night crying and begging this poor soul not to leave me because my brother had caught us in some bar and I had a massive flip out. He basically disowned me in front of everyone and blamed me for my oldest brother's death in front of everyone. It was fucking humiliating mate." I explain slowly. Frank just nods and looks off to another table.

"What about the guy? Did he leave?" He pipes up again. I'd rather not answer these questions but it's the least I could do after hearing Frank moan and groan about his equally dysfunctional life.

"Yeah. After the night at the bar he signed a contract with his former band. He left on New Year's Eve and only gave me a days notice. Fucking asshole." I grumble the last part under my breath. Frank lets out a loud cackle and people give us confused and annoyed glares. A year ago I would have started crying but now I just laugh along with him.

"Man, I'm shot. I don't think I can drive home." He hiccups. I chuckle at his inebriated state before offering him the couch in my flat. He gives me sex eyes but I just roll my own and start to leave.

The walk back is fucking freezing. There is absolutely nothing nice that I can say about it. I'm drunk as a sailor though so I don't complain. The two of us stumble haphazardly down the streets as we shout and holler and cause an overall commotion.

We quiet down once we get into my building and are near silent during the elevator ride. Tonight was a good night.

I still do my signature sigh of relief as I enter my apartment. Some things don't change. Frank situates himself on my couch as I go to my room to get him some blankets.

"Hey, Graham?" I hear from out in the living room. Frank's voice has no trace of the alcohol induced joy and sounds uneasy and shaken I rush out, hanging onto my door frame for balance.

"What?" I ask with clear concern laced into my voice.

"Someone's on your balcony." He points out. I follow his finger and there is indeed someone standing on my balcony. He's shivering and tired looking but he sure seems excited to see me. A lot of emotions go through my head but only one thing seems to slip past my lips.

"Fucking dolt."